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Author Topic: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)  (Read 76053 times)

OneMoreNameless

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All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« on: November 02, 2008, 06:42:26 am »

All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
A multi-fortress saga of dwarves, failures, and ... dwarves.

"Oh my god, you killed our fortress!" "You bastard!"



About the saga
In traditional Let's Play style, this thread shall be following the events of a Dwarf Fortress game roughly as they occur. Unlike most such threads, however, it will sequentially follow several fortresses; each with different starting locations and specific challenges or goals. These fortresses will be linked via an overarching plot, and told through the mouths (or diaries etc.) of several reoccurring characters. The tone will generally be lighthearted. (For technical reasons not all fortresses may come from the same generated world. The dwarves are literally different dwarves too save for their nickname, but you'll just have to pretend with me. ;))

About the player
I'm still mostly a newbie at Dwarf Fortress, having only played through a single fortress with arguable success (the fortress was reasonable rich, self sufficient, happy, easily defendable from goblins and the economy caused no dramas - but realistically would have fallen if a door-destroyer showed up). The reason I decided to start this saga was mostly to keep the game "fun" through various challenges, but also to keep the game more personal and entertaining. Any advice is welcome. Updates may be erratic; my free time tends to vary week to week, nevermind my dedication ... but I'll try not to leave anyone hanging too long!

About the community
Starting from the second fortress, the games shall be run as partial community fortresses. Readers may create their own dwarves to embark alongside any "plot dwarves" planned for each game by providing a name and any skills or items. Alternatively, migrants can also be claimed once they arrive. Additional preferences or requests given while the game is running will be taken into consideration if reasonable. For details on how many dwarves are still free and specific recommendations for that fortress, please see recent posts.

About the fortresses
Fortress One - Survive with a single dwarf. Calm, flat location by a brook.
Fortress Two - Destroy a peaceful goblin fortress, then unleash HFS. Hot, rocky location without trees.
Fortress Three - Clear out a cave and construct entirely glass semimegaprojects. Untamed desert by the sea.
Fortress Four - Train an army of nude, lesbian mud wrestlers. Terrifying mountain with chasm and HFS.

About the archive
If you've just started reading A.D.A.B. (or wanted to reread your favourite fortress!) archives of this pseudo-epic are available on my website here and are updated after each fortress is completed.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2009, 07:14:30 am by OneMoreNameless »
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OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2008, 06:45:08 am »

- PROLOGUE -

"NOT. GUILTY!"

A gasp rose from the assorted onlookers, but Judge Judas wasn't sure whether it was from surprise at the plea, or surprise that anyone with such short stature could actually boom words. Though by his count that was the third echo, so it was probably the latter. Judas held his wig tight in preparation for the fourth and tried to focus on those in the spotlight: Doomhammer, the accused, and Flowerjoy, the prosecution lawyer.

"Surely you can't be serious?" Flowerjoy scoffed, her tone full of well-earned confidence. She was known throughout all races for her excellent track record against dwarves. She'd sent down over a dozen in the last month alone, and twice that number into poverty from fines. But this time it was personal, and she'd been pushing Judas for a much for permanent sentence ...

"By my hipflask I am! That dirty bitch set me up!" Doomhammer spat on the ground and stomped on it for good riddance. Judas wasn't quite sure where the dwarf's lawyer had gone. Probably hiding under a desk somewhere, and you couldn't blame him. The first two had needed hospital care from the dwarf's breath and the third had politely requested their own straight jacket within five minutes.

"Don't you call her that!" Judas was surprised to see Flowerjoy blink away tears while she glanced down at her notes. "So why have we see no evidence of this, Doomhammer?"

"She was asking for it! All those shiny gems she offered, all her warmth and comfort in winter, and not a word of discouragement as I mined deep into her opening-"

"She COULDN'T say anything after all that poison you gave her!"

"Well in that case how the bloody hell can you be representing her now anyway?" Doomhammer smirked, but the elf just smiled. A few seconds passed in silence. Then Judas felt a faint breeze start to blow, and he clutched his wig in fear.

Within moments the faint breeze had become a rushing gale blasting everything in its path. Spare seats tumbled over. Papers scattered out the open windows. Several of the smaller members of the crowd were picked up and flung against the wall. It only lasted a minute or so but that was more than sufficient for Judas.

"Ahem. In light of recent ... evidence ..." Judas began formally, straightening his wig and standing as tall as he dared in Doomhammer's presence. "I have come to my decision."

"YOU COWARDLY BASTARD! You would have done the same thing! And ale is not a goddamn poison, she ..." Doomhammer continued screaming even after the gag was in place. Judas could still hear the muttering until the fourth. And smell his breath until about the tenth.

"Doomhammer, I declare you guilty of the rape of Mother Nature. As the mastermind and leader, you shall be mindwiped at dawn and cast out from society. Mother Nature shall decide if you are worth forgiveness. Furthermore, after taking into considering the wide ranging damage caused by the actions of your people, I hereby sentence the entire dwarf race to indefinite seclusion on a lone island where they can do little more harm. This court is dismissed."



It has been ten years since that day, and by and large the dwarves have settled well into their new home. The world, it seemed, was willing to tolerate the dwarves mess and destruction if it were far away. Trading has been renewed through a few brave and sympathetic merchants. Even on the island itself a fragile peace is held between the dwarves and the original natives. From the outside such an ending might look happy, but restless whispers travel quickly through twisted tunnels and few ores within reach could sound as tempting as those in distant, unscarred lands ...
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OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2008, 06:52:24 am »

- CHAPTER ONE: A Kitten Is Fine Too -

New Fortress!
Survive with a single living dwarf. No trading, but I'm allowing myself basic supplies: A pick, an axe, an anvil, ten meat, five ale and five plump helmet spawn. Oh, and one kitten. :)

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

1st Granite
I met some new friends today! This morning I was thirsty. So I wandered up to the brook for a drink. The water was nice. I saw some ants scurrying around! I followed them for a while. But then I saw something even larger than the ants (but not TOO much larger) scurrying around. They were dwarves! I went and said hello.



It was hard to count them all at first, but one dwarf told me there were SIX of them. That's more dwarves than I've seen together maybe ever! One nice dwarf Urist says she is leading them all to start a new home in the mountains somewhere (Urist says 'mountains' are like boulders but even BIGGER!). Urist asked if I wanted to join them. I'm not sure yet. So many dwarves sounds like fun, but I don't like all of them very much. One looked at me strange when I said my name was Doomhammer. Maybe he was impressed I could spell all the letters?

Anyway, Urist need to sleep now. Even with a wagon (also a REAL LIFE camel and horse!) all the walking is tiring. Urist let me share their ale, so I will guard them from the nasty ants tonight! Actually, their ale is very yummy. Tastes familiar, not sure why.

The dwarves are sleeping now, and the ants are far away. I bored. Maybe I'll drink more ale for a while.

6th Granite
My head hurts. Why is sunlight nasty now? The last few days are blurry and my dirt pictures are all messy. I remember being thirsty and drinking ale. One of the dwarves woke up and told me stop, it was the nasty one. I think he said something about rape and my mother. Then, um, I can see lots of soil flying. Then it's morning again. One of the trees is missing for some reason ... ?



I don't see the dwarves anymore. The ants are still far away, so, that can't be it. Maybe Urist and the others left for their home. Aww, I miss having someone to talk to. But they forgot their wagon! So I looked inside it and found lots of really neat stuff! There is a big shiny axe that I can cut things with (like ... the air! Or maybe even trees!). There's a pick as well, which I think is made to cut dirt and rock and stuff with. Then there's this big lump of metal that I don't even know what it's for. It's heavy though. A paperweight for giants? I left it in the wagon for now. There's also two wood barrels, with meat and ale, and some weird seed things. I'm not sure what they're for, so I might just throw them away somewhere later.

Oh wow, I just had a great idea! Urist talked to me about a home in the mountains before. I guess I only have little boulders but, still, with all this neat stuff I could still build my own little home here! It gets so cold in winter normally. Yes, that's what I'll do.

7th Granite
Work on my home has begun! It's tiring, but this digging thing is really easy when you figure out which end to use. My hands hurts. At least my head doesn't now. It's not really boulder anyway, only dirt and soil that I'm digging. That ale must be MAGICAL or something because of all the great plans I have for my home now! It's going to be big and awesome and pretty and warm and awesome and and and yeah! When I'm done digging I'm going to figure out how you make that stuff.

And there's this kitten following me around now. I wonder why? It's so cute! I'm going to call him fluffycuddlekissesjoy and he can be my new friend. He's not a dwarf like Urist but that's okay. I didn't really understand all their talk about mountains anyway. I just hope the camel doesn't step on him.

12th Granite
I FINALLY finished digging out my home today. That was really tiring. I was almost about to go to sleep but I remembered I didn't have a bed or anything yet. So instead I went to get a drink but I didn't even have any ale in here yet. Everything is still out in the wagon. That means I'm going to have to haul it all the way down here and put it away. But I'm TIRED! I just want to go watch the ants again. This home thing had better be worth it because all this stuff I have to do is no fun.

« Last Edit: March 24, 2009, 06:27:20 am by OneMoreNameless »
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OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2008, 08:12:58 pm »

- CHAPTER TWO: Home Is Where The Horse Isn't -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

6th Granite
Today, at long last, I have found a worthy victim. After months of dragging those worthless peasants around the countryside I encountered a lone dwarf living alongside a river. At first I found it difficult to comprehend how a dwarf as idiotic as him had survived outside thus far, but that night ... Ah ha, yes. This "Doomhammer" may be intellectually outdone by his own pants but when angered he was driven to such fury and power that even I was slightly impressed. (Not that such a lumbering oaf could hope to match my own sleek agility and vermin decimation, of course.) Doomhammer dug a shallow passageway into the earth, shoved the lot of them in there and built a wooden wall blocking their escape. Even now, I can hear them screaming. It was not the most creative way to dispose of the fools, but efficient and still entertaining in it's own way.

7th Granite
Curses! After a week of lurking in shadows and stalking my prey the oaf has spotted me. I had hoped to save this power as a last resort, but I cannot afford his butchery to be turned against me. While he foolishly gazed at me with his sickeningly sweet ignorance I telepathically linked our minds. With only one of me the ability is weak, but it is enough to subtly influence his decisions. Once my queen and litter are by my side and our cat empire established we will have no need for these fools but until then I require protection and sustenance, and this dwarf shall provide them.

12th Granite
By all the gods, this oaf is useless! It has taken him five days just to dig out a few rooms, and only that with my constant mental prods to get back to work. It is lucky for him that I crossed his path, or he would have frozen come winter for sure. When my feline empire is established he shall be the first to die - Yes, I can see it now: The oaf walking towards the exit when he hears a faint mew ... he turns his head, looking for the source of the distress, not seeing a faint shadow pass beneath his feet ... and then as he continues stepping forward ... BAM! He trips over my children and falls outside into the snow, while I seal the door AND HIS FATE!

18th Granite
The oaf has finished carrying all of my possessions into the relative safety of the underground. He tried to pull the wagon inside too, but became so angry that he could not move it he simply tore it into pieces instead - and then calmly carried the pieces into his tiny stockpile. Later he chose an area to grow his so-called "ale trees", but when faced with the daunting task of actually constructing it decided to waste time carrying around the remains of my latest rodent victim instead. Useless. If I had hands, I would almost do it myself at by this point!

[Author's Note: Do any of the utilities allow you to cheat and assign labor to cats? Because, that would make catsplosion so much more awesome with redundant dwarves. :D]

27th Granite
Between carrying around my less fortunate victims and standing around gazing at one particular tree the oaf has finished my farm plot and planted the handful of seeds he had. His next task shall be to construct a simple brewery and kitchen. How he intends to do create any kind of heat source for cooking, as well as tools that would not quickly catch on fire, from a single lump of wood is beyond even my intellect. Laws of physics seem to adapt themselves to this dwarf rather than vice versa.

Of course, even in this early stage of construction, he managed to screw up. Only once he had dug out room for the two buildings did he realise the kitchen layout would block both entrances into the room. Rather than simply, say, flip his design around the oaf grabbed his pick and hacked through another few squares of wall.

I never had this much trouble with my previous slaves.

13th Slate
The oaf continues work on the most basic of objects; a door, and bed. Even the most basic of dwellings takes time to complete with a single dwarf, especially one as incompetent as Doomhammer (100 FPS not withstanding ... but we shall see how long that lasts once my queen arrives, yes). After having his narrow corridors blocked by the horse and camel yet again the oaf snapped and started building a butcher's shop just outside the entrance. Then he promptly fell asleep. I half hope the alligator lurking around eats him.

18th Slate
The horse has been struck down. Twice as much meat now occupies my stockpile and the corridors are all the more empty for my own use. The camel is next, although I suspect the just starting harvest of plump helmets may prove a distraction. Then I shall just have the oaf left to deal with ... Patience, Fluffy. Your time will come.

4th Felsite
The oaf's recent progress pleases me. My dining room and sleeping chambers are complete; Meager, perhaps, and still lacking doors, but things shall only improve from here. Food supplies are reasonable, but only two drinks of ale remain. The oaf is away collecting more wood to use in barrels at the moment, but shortly I shall have him begin mining for stone. It has been calm so far, but we need doors and basic traps to fall back on should I become too outnumbered in battle. Once safe enough, Doomhammer can begin working on a palace that would attract ANY queen I desire, and then, THE WORLD SHALL BE FINE! I mean, MINE! Why did I make such a ridiculous typo? Argh!

...

Oh god, I'm so lonely.


[Author's Note: The down staircase leads to a 5x5 stockpile for everything that isn't food, waste or stone.]

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Urist Stizashgeshud

8th Granite
I must be dreaming. This must be some kind of nightmare. It is so dark and humid and awful here. I don't know what happened, I was settling down to sleep under the stars and then suddenly I woke to find nothing but walls all around me. The others are here too, but they won't say anything. I think they're in shock. I think we're all in shock. I don't know what happened, but I don't think I can stand this much longer oh god let me wake up.

20th Granite
Edem finally accepted he wasn't dreaming today. We all know we're doomed now. It's terrifying and horrible, but calming at the same time. The arguing has to stop now, right? We ... we're sealed underneath the earth with no supplies and no escape. Oh god I hate saying that but we have to accept it, we mustn't allow ourselves that freedom of madness. We are dwarves and we will stay strong. But I'm so thirsty and loam tastes so dry.

1st Slate
I've been talking a lot with Monom lately. There's nothing else to do down here anyway. We tell old jokes that we used to laugh at. We persuade and negotiate over pebbles on the floor. We'd make the quite the merchants now if we could ever be freed. Despite our growing weakness I feel tougher than ever, somehow. I don't think my brain is functioning quite right. Maybe this is it. Maybe I can finally ask my god why he left us like this. Maybe ...

18th Slate
WHY IS IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WEIGHT I LOSE I CAN'T SQUEEZE PASSED THAT FUCKING PILLAR?!?!

2nd Felsite
Monom feels so cold today. We all feel cold. Water wouldn't freeze here, but we ... I ... somebody help us, please.

4th Felsite
In a final effort to keep warm, we have thrown away more than our dignity and begun an all out dwarven orgy. Monom is actually quite cute in this lack of light, hee hee. Or is that just my soberity talking?

7th Felsite
Wow, this is GREAT! The rest of the dwarves and I have been going at it all day and night (we can't really tell which is which in here anyway, am I right?!) and we've never been better! Water? What the heck is that, I get everything I need from Monom here! Edem started rocking using a few pebbles as mini drums and then we all hit the dance floor. I wish this had happened to us earlier, I've never had so much fun in my life.



So Urist and the other dwarves lived without regrets and happily ever after for the rest of their short (haha, get it?) lives. The End!
« Last Edit: March 24, 2009, 06:28:33 am by OneMoreNameless »
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Snuffs

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2008, 09:15:15 pm »

Hah, awesome so far!  I love the storytelling from the various viewpoints, and especially your take on the starving dwarves.  Please continue!
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Jetman123

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2008, 09:39:26 pm »

Hahahaha. This is funny. I especially want to see more of the evil cat.
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When dwarves want to commit suicide, then by Armok, they _will_ commit suicide, even if they have to spend the rest of their lives working at it!

Eita

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2008, 10:02:38 pm »

I only have one complaint. WHAT KIND OF DWARVES WOULD WILLINGLY GO INTO EXILE?!?!
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ZealTheSavior

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2008, 12:01:14 am »

There was probably an epic battle that Doomhammer forgot about. It has been 10 years so the few traders may have forgotten it.
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OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2008, 06:08:22 am »

I only have one complaint. WHAT KIND OF DWARVES WOULD WILLINGLY GO INTO EXILE?!?!
Who said they went willingly? In this setting I sort of imagined dwarves as a somewhat disliked minority, so when they did revolt against the sentence all the other races (human, elves, goblins etc.) would ally together to enforce it. If some dwarves refused to surrender, well, cage traps. ;)

I haven't mentioned it yet, but there's a reason the dwarves are stuck on their island too. (Magic trickery, basically.)
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OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2008, 08:05:23 pm »

- CHAPTER THREE: Purple Is The Colour Of Sadness -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

7th Felsite
I'm getting used to work now. It's hard doing all these different things and it takes a long time but I have all kinds of neat stuff now. I have a bed to sleep on instead of boulder! It's much more comfy. I have a table to eat on instead of a boulder. My food falls off much less now. I have a whole bunch of tasty meat too, and it hurts my teeth much less than a boulder. I went to give some to my horse and camel friends but I couldn't find them anymore. Oh well, at least I still have Fluffy as my best friend forever!

But I don't have much ale left. I tried making more and filling up the barrel but it wouldn't work so I guess barrels don't work like that? So I cut down more trees to make and oh my god did I mention I have workshops now? They are, wow, I can make all kinds of neat things there! Weapons and buckets and chests and statues and even BLOCKS! I don't have rocks yet though. Cutting wood makes me nervous sometimes. What if the ants attacked while I was out here in the open? Once I have doors and stuff I'll stay inside and start digging rocks instead to keep safe.

Aww, suddenly I feel really sad. I need go give Fluffy a hug or something.



18th Felsite
I finished cooking a lavish meal today. It was mostly meat, with some ale and I even made some tallow to put in it. But when I finally finished it I wasn't really hungry. There are flies everywhere and I'm still sad.

24th Felsite
Made some barrels. Making a wooden door to keep the flies out. Don't know if that's how flies work. There's an icky purple stink coming from near my kitchen. Stupid Fluffy keeps leaving dead rats everywhere. Still sad.

25th Felsite
The purple is GROWING. I'm kind of scared now.



28th Felsite
I used most of my barrels before remembering I was going to make ale them. I'm too tired to take all the food out again. I tried to make some ale from the ale trees I grew before but when I tried all that came out was WINE. It doesn't taste as yummy but I still feel all floaty when I drink it so that's okay I guess. Still sad.

1st Hematite
It feels really hot now. Not sure why. I put the door up, and made a remote control that can set it to locked or open from a distance. Going to do some cleaning now so the purple doesn't auilghsligfhu



4th Hematite
Woke up. Purple haunts my sleep. Fluffy is all grown up now. Doing some cleaning, and planting a few wine trees.

8th Hematite
OH GOD THE PURPLE IS BACK. I don't know why but my room of stuff is full of it and it's CLIMBING THE STAIRS TO GET ME. Aaaaah!

Oh, wow! I just noticed! I don't feel sad anymore! It's so nice to sleep in a good bedroom. It's not so nice when your whole bedroom is purple though. I like grey or blue much better. Okay! It's time to get back to building my home!

Oh wait, my pick is covered in purple. Maybe I'll plant another seed for now.

12th Hematite
I've started digging deeper underground. At first I just saw sand, and then silt. But then I struck talc! I don't think it has much use except to build white doors with I guess. But, a strange thing happened. As I started digging through stone I felt this funny tingle through my backbone. The up and down of the pick, the noisy rock crumbling into unusable pieces, the disappointment of striking something not so great ... It all feels so familiar, and so RIGHT. Like I've done this before. Like I was meant to do this. My mind can only recall living under the stars and catching fish to survive so why does my heart suddenly beat so fast with this tool, no, weapon, NO, instrument of such power that maybe there was more to everything that I -

Aawwww, the sadness is back again. Go away sadness! What did I do deserve all this unhappy?





23rd Hematite
I'm happy again now! Eating at my dining table is nice, and thanks to the power of positive thinking I'm now longer a hermit; I'm the leader of a one dwarf expedition into the underground! Fluffy is my second in command, and together, we will build the best and most awesome home EVER!

After digging in dolomite for a while I managed to leave behind some usable stone. Now I can make even more neat things to make my home better. I even found some shiny yellow citrines. I don't think they're worth much to dwarves like Urist but they're SHINY and that makes them good for me! Maybe I'll decorate some things with them later.

All this work is thirsty, um, work so I need to drink now. But all my wine is gone. Huh? I didn't think I used THAT much when I was cooking. But that would explain why my roasts tasted so yummy. And why I named so many of them Dwarven Ale Roasts. I'd better make some more. The river is like AGES away now.

26th Hematite
I'm on break! Now it's Fluffy's turn to take over brewing. Right, Fluffy? Right?

Aww, sucks.

14th Malachite
STUPID. PURPLE. GO. AWAY.

19th Galena
It has been a long time since I last drew! I've been really busy lately. I've had more wine trees to harvest and plant. I've had stuff to move around and put away. I've made more ale too, so I have lots of food and drink stocks now. I've even carved a few statues and put up in my home. They help to keep the sadness away, almost as much as Fluffy!

I even made some more doors, and dug out a new room. By working together with Fluffy we have WON the Great Colour Battle! We have defeated the purple!



Yaaaaay!
« Last Edit: March 24, 2009, 06:28:59 am by OneMoreNameless »
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Strife26

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2008, 11:08:29 pm »

I think that is was more a violet personally. Purple, as a color, is pure good.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this! :)
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This post likely did not make me any happier, tougher, smarter, or richer. Probably not a good usage of limited time and effort.

Jetman123

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2008, 03:04:42 pm »

Still laughing. I demand more!
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When dwarves want to commit suicide, then by Armok, they _will_ commit suicide, even if they have to spend the rest of their lives working at it!

Frelock

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2008, 05:05:25 pm »

So, like with all demands, everybody ignores it, you get an unhappy thought, and fortress life goes on.

Consider yourself lucky.  If it were a mandate, you'd be dead...

Fun fact:
Purple does not travel through diagonals, while dwarves can!
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All generalizations are false....including this one.

OneMoreNameless

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2008, 07:49:03 pm »

- CHAPTER FOUR: The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men Have Nothing On Those Of Cats -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

19th Galena
The miasma problem has been dealt with, for the moment at least. The inside refuse dump may be safer and more convenient but it is useless if the oaf doesn't remember to use it. Too often recently I have found him caught up in digging out rock or making barrels rather than cleaning up after me. I suspect we have not seen the last of his "purple". Another thing that delays the creation of my palace.

In any case, there are more pressing problems to deal with. Now that the oaf's basic needs of food, drink and, tch, "happiness" are taken care of I plan to move onto defence. As of now the only thing between us and a goblin ambush is a single birchen door. Of course I have been able to take care of any invaders thus far (those lizard SCUM have paid the ultimate price for daring to walk my halls!) but what if something attacks while I am sleeping, or sharpening my claws, or there is a ball of yarn nearby and - NO, scratch that last one.

Ahem. While the oaf has wasted time brewing, I have devised a plan for our initial defences. It will require some effort, but the end result should be ... entertaining, to say the least. Heh heh heh. First I will see additional channels and twisting passages dug, and then a number of floodgates installed. This will allow any invaders to be forced through a longer, trapped pathway and any survivors drowned. The slightly declination in terrain to the north should also allow the excess water to freely drain away once the invaders are dead, before opening up the entrance again. I shall begin drawing subtle scratchings around the fortress to "inspire" the oaf.

1st Limestone
Progress is minimal; the mechanic's workshop has not even been completed yet, let alone the parts needed for the levers. It is already Autumn. I have revised my initial plan; I shall first encourage the oaf to construct a well. It should be a quicker and simpler process. By teaching him the basics first I reduce the chance of having him flooding my palace before it is even constructed.

And I suppose it would do not good if he dehydrated, either.

11th Limestone
Progress is virtually nonexistent. First the oaf decided HE should be the one having a CATnap. Then he was thirsty. Then he had the harvest to deal with, even though he must already have YEARS of food for a single dwarf. I might have to reduce the farm plot if this continues to be a problem, or perhaps distract him from planting seeds during certain seasons. (Even "cute" has its uses, ugh.) Then there's the outpost liason that ...

Wait, what? NO. I will not allow this! This fortress is mine and this oaf, damn him, is my oaf. I will not allow any other dwarves to meddle with my work. The liason must be here to investigate the disappearance of my last slaves. If Doomhammer is found responsible ... I will not let that happen. I can faintly hear merchants as well. If the oaf is taken, what will happen to me? I will NOT be caged like some mere pet to be traded away to some filthy elf. And it would be a metal cage too, what with the hypocritical fancies of their kind. I cannot STAND sleeping in metal. It's like wearing armour, that doesn't even fit. I do not require armour like some pathetic dwarf, I am a free and agile cat! And do you know how hard it is to catspode through cages anyway? It CHAFES, damn it! My sexual romps WILL be comfortable, they WILL be carefree and I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!

So yes, I locked the door. I don't think the oaf even knows they're out there.



14th Limstone
I have just realised something. To build a well, I require either a rope or a chain, neither of which the oaf is able to produce at the moment. That's awkward.

Hmm.

5th Sandstone
We have struck amethyst, but still have found no metal ores underneath our fortress. Undeterred, I had the requisite workshops built to forge a chain once we have the raw ingredients. The exploratory mining is going slowly, and I suspect it will be long after winter before the well is complete. By my calculations the oaf should have enough booze to last him, or at least brew some more from spare plants. I will try another small grid deeper underneath the fortress, but if that uncovers nothing I shall revert to constructing defences instead. We certainly have plenty of stone for simple traps now.

8th Sandstone
"I've struck TALC!"
"I've struck MICROLINE!"
"I've struck, um, SOME GREEN STONE!"
"I've struck ... MORE MICROLINE!"
For the love of all tuna must that oaf sound so excited ALL THE TIME?! I think I preferred him when he was mopey. This situation must be rectified with additional face scratching.

4th Timber
Hmph, apparently the oaf is (only slightly) more perceptive than I thought. After taking a break from mining to plant more seeds he has finally realised there is somebody waiting outside.



Luckily I had the foresight the hide the door's remote control and the oaf is too lazy to walk up and change the channel, I mean, passage settings on the door himself. Now he's just standing nearby, attempting unsuccessfully to yell through the door. I have no intention of allowing this meeting, and if that means some time is lost in the meanwhile, so be it.

14th Timber
Doomhammer is either the most patient, or must FUNDAMENTALLY RETARDED dwarf I have ever had the displeasure of taming. Aside from two brief drinks he's STILL STANDING THERE.

16th Timber
Finally! The oaf's will has broken and he's resumed working. He's still had no luck with the mining, but at least the oaf is getting faster at finding nothing. I suspect it may have been faster to try gathering seeds and go with the cloth route. It would have required an outside wall constructed for safety, but nevertheless ... Hmm. If nothing else, I could construct our defences, lure a few attackers inside and then scavenge anything metal from the corpses.

7th Moonstone
Of COURSE the river didn't freeze anyway, it's a WARM CLIMATE! You'll have to excuse me, I need to go murder some vermin to calm down.

ARGH.

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Sibrek Abirsazir

1st Galena
The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness annual sweepstakes of doooooom has been drawn! To everyone NOBODY's surprise, the winner was Fluffycuddlekissesjoy. He applied to join us sometime last year, but was too young to be accepted. I guess know that somebody The, uh, Fallen Risen ... One wrote down his name out of pity. I shall be delivering their prize at once: Detailed spoilers from the author for the 6th fortress.

Ooh, General Nice is in that one. But, ah, We already knew that.

11th Limestone
After quite several weeks of wandering around lost trying to find the forwarding address (EXACTLY AS PLANNED) I have arrived at Fluffy's most recent abode. After doing a quick run through of my just enigmatic enough statements ("Only when the true heroes are caught red handed shall destruction set you free" has a nice ring to it.) I knock loudly on the door and wait for Fluffy to answer.

11th Sandstone
I have been waiting for one month now, but still no answer. Fluffy must not have heard me this time, but they Elders have seen from the eyes of Armok himself that the very fate of our dwarven race shall one day be held by this kitten. I shall knock louder this time.

15th Timber
...

3rd Moonstone
I ... I don't think he's going to answer.



[Author's Note: I'll start actually achieving things in the next chapter, honest!]
« Last Edit: March 24, 2009, 06:29:47 am by OneMoreNameless »
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Turnip

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2008, 05:33:48 pm »

Great story. Keep it coming.
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And (because of various programming quirks) dwarves are kinda stupid. Granted, so are the other races. But still.
And yet these stupid dwarves are going to eventually make a nuclear weapon out of cheese and basalt.
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