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Author Topic: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)  (Read 76749 times)


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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #225 on: April 19, 2009, 07:53:33 pm »

Good to see you back, I've thoroughly enjoyed your past stories and I really look forward to what comes next.
The logistical problems dealing with a private space colony are at least as bad as dealing with the zombies.
Fortressdipped, my ice castle.


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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #226 on: April 21, 2009, 10:59:17 pm »

Are you read for an EPIC WALL OF TEXT?! Let's just say I was enjoying myself a little bit too much writing certain sections of this chapter. What can you do. (And don't you dare say "editing", that would totally ruin the awesome that is Maggarg's scene.)

Your usual DF silliness resumes once I've picked a location for the next fortress. Any suggestions for particularly dangerous biomes that still have ready access to water? (Undead carp. Where do you find those, anyway?)

Also to clear something up with claiming dwarves: In this next fort, EVERY female dwarf will be stripped and recruited, while NO male dwarves will be in the military. Also, I'd still rather not reuse suggested dwarves from previous forts; story logistics aside, I find it more interesting to write.


Unknown Time. Unknown Date.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

My investigations are complete, as instructed. I regret, however, to inform the Council that I have been unable to conclusively determine the events of "the Day" in "the Seeing Sands". By the time I was able to view the site in person there was little left to investigate. "The Seeing Sands" have been reduces to little more than individual granules, shattered glass and clumps of copper. No traces of tin where found. The goblin army had returned to their capital a day earlier. Copies of my letter correspondence are included but other than your informant's, shall we say, unique style there was nothing more of interest to be learned.

A *Ominous Static* In The Life Of: Stozu Aturomnu, Goblin Wrestler

Uh, uh. Back me up here, snatchers.

There's this pit by the sea and that's where it's AT
Said my gobbo leaders we're all goin' there STAT
And then down on the beach that's where I saw THAT
A little bitty message readin' in carRETs
Well it spelled out "raps", now they call us "prats"
But don't be a hata 'cause this beat is PHAT

Now I don't know why we are here in this PLACE
Lingering outside is quite a disGRACE
Some Drainer out the front they need to rePLACE
Exploding from sabotage by dwarf RACE
It's not really "safe", they're stuck in that "space"
Watching it all burn is funny like your FACE

Now all my hoes better get the fuck OUT
With the fire and the quakes that's roof's not STOUT
And the magma field is gonna blow aBOUT
With my lost prison bitches running throughOUT
You'll kill us! dwarves "shout", sure ours AIs "devout"
But no dwarves ever left so they're dead, no DOUBT.

... Shit, I am the whitest goblin ever.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

None of the dwarves known to be within the fortress on "the Day" have been seen elsewhere. It is plausible that one or two of them have survived, however given the quantity of fresh blood I detected over within the disturbed topsoil I can guarantee that well over a hundred living creatures perished.

A *Ominous Static*  In The Life Of: ClearWater, Fisherdwarf

ClearWater: And, um, please don't tell anyone else. If they found out I had such a stupid fear they'd never take me seriously.
Hat: Of course, of course. Now, what is it about the livestock that particularly scares you?
ClearWater: I'm ... I'm not sure.
Hat: Hmm. Let me tell you what I think. You've mentioned in our previous sessions that you find it hard to treat felow dwarves as individuals, yes?
ClearWater: Ah, yes.
Hat: Well, in a way you've had a problem with treating them as 'livestock' in order to further your goals. Now I'm not saying that's always a bad and to some extent it's unavoidable with any high aspirations, but could it be that what you're afraid of in real livestick is your inability to control them in the -
Warla: HAT! Get out here, that last quake just shattered the TARDIS!
ClearWater: What's a tardis?
Hat: Oh.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Similarly, there is no evidence to suggest the goblins held captive in "the Seeing Sands" remain alive. The reports from the goblin army suggest that the glass prison was the last structure to collapse due to the earthquakes and would logically have been the last touched by the rising magma. The questions since raised by the goblin community - How were the captives treated? Why were they being held? - can only be subject to guesswork, or left unanswered.

A *Ominous Static* In The Life Of: Rika, Wrestler

I don't think their faces will ever leave me. Everyone who died in that attack, goblin and dwarf alike. It was a horrible battle. I'd always put on a brave face and a beautiful smile - or so I'm told - in the face of danger before, but this ... There are some things that would change any dwarf. The mutilated bodies will haunt my sleep, but it was the futility more than anything else. The goblins had been caged for so long they were just glad to walk around, at least until the marksdwaves started firing. They only loosened a few shots before realising somebody had stolen their bolt reserves, but it was enough. Before I knew it the war hounds had attacked and I found myself charging in as usual, but I didn't really know why. Earth and magma were trembling, our machinery was exploding; there was nothing left we could save but ourselves, but our orders were always to throw that away.

And yet.

There was one moment. Newb had his squad had charged inside the prison themselves, but had been ambushed and surrounded by some of the lingering goblins. That exhunter had gone missing, so Brutus had ran to aid them. The rest of my squad had remained down the staircase, desperately fighting to keep the goblins away from the main corridors. Udil had been badly wounded and staggered unconscious into the corner, behind a caged camel. Urvad was already dead, killed after two goblin macemen had landed lucky blows to his head. Suddenly, Strife had fallen down dazed from the upper levels, chased by three furious goblins. They knocked him to the floor and pinned him down. I struggled to reach him, but other goblins barred my path. I had a few spare weapons from fallen goblins, but it was too dark for a clear shot. One goblin grinned cruelly and raised his sword. There was nothing I could do. All the civilian dwarves had long since fled. There was nobody left who could save him. There was nobody left who could do anything to brighten the situation.

And then, from the brinks of despair, the slightest breeze could be felt slowly wafting through the room, tracing our skin and raising hairs on every dwarf and goblin. With the quietest, and yet most powerful creak in all history the battling forces froze, turning their heads in fear and awe towards the fading echo of the shocking sound. Standing at the door was a majestic, heavenly silhouette, framed by an aura of trickling sand from the tremoring roof, accompanied by a deep and ominous rumbling from the ocean, growling as if to announce the presence of our destined saviour. From somewhere in the fortress a faint rendition of orchestral music could be heard to clash, and the sounds of a dozen dwarves praying desperately together in vaguely ominous Latin began to reach their inevitable crescendo. A lantern in the corridor swayed and flickered, casting shadows across the room and ever so briefly illuminating the body of our hero, a grizzly face set in determination, feet planting firmly in the sandy ground even as dust and grit lingered from his last steps, arm outstretched and pointing as if to challenge the gods themselves to defy him. That dwarf. Was Maggarg.

"Hey where. Did I leave. MY WATERSKIIIIIIN!?" he cried, thrusting his hands downwards, spreading his palms wide, and with one movement altering the very core of the one object that controlled not just the fate of the helpless and grievously wounded Strife, but the lights hanging from the artificial roof. For the briefest moment nobody drew breath as nothing appeared to happen, then electrical signals flew through the room and burst into existance overheard, casting a glorious radiance upon the battle, twinkling off the slick scarlet puddles upon the ground, shining through the cages like the threads of time that bound us all in their webs, leading everything and everyone towards this very defining moment of ultimate intervention.

The goblins, their eyes staring and shrunken from the damned rays that cut away their hope like vicious scythes through unbelieving grass, exposed by the now perfectly still hands of their unsuspected assailant, could do nothing but scream out the bitterness and frustration of knowing that in that moment, all their aspirations had been shattered as surely as the damning waves upon our machine ridden shore. As if moving in slow motion they dropped to their knees and howled, bringing their hands upwards to cover their putrid green faces. At their side, the weapon once seemingly destined to be the death of a fellow dwarf was released at last, dropping like a feather slowly through the air so thick from tension that it threatened to suffocate those watching. It spun, twice, the handle rotating now free from the controls of the tyrannical butchers so bent on its bloodying, then tip first touched upon the sandy ground, falling to the side upon the staircase and finally clattering, ever so gently, upon the lead upwards stairway. It was, at last, over.

"No seriously guys, who took my fucking waterskin."

Maybe there is hope for us dwarves after all.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

As a minor note, I did encounter one dwarf lingering amongst the debris; a ghost by the name of Kodak. I attempted to interrogate him, with no success. Once I had mentioned The Mad Scientist he fell silent and into tears. (Of ectoplasm.) I concluded from his previous stammering the ghost had not been present on "the Day" and knew nothing of importance.

A *Ominous Static* In The Death Of: Kodak, Mason

Maddy looks really saaad today. She won't tell me why. She just ignores me, as usual. I remember once, just after I'd first died, when Maddy actually took the time to sign my coffin. Squee, it was so awesome! I'd spend more time resting there but what if something happens to her while I'm gone? I can't wait for Maddy to die just we can finally talk at length again and maybe she can invent something to bring us back from the dead because she's just awesome like that.

Oh, wait! Right now Maddy has just left her laboratory! I don't know what she was doing inside, she invented this electrical thing that keeps me out. I wonder why? She looks determined now, I think she's had another idea. Her ears are doing that cute little twitching thing like they usually do when she has one. She's walking towards the fortress entrance, probably all the way to the OD2 by her pacing, but she's avoiding speaking to any of the other dwarves around. As if they even deserved to live in this castle after shunning her for, tch, Warla and the Count. When Maddy's sleeping I like to spit ectoplasm at them and their kin. Now the Countess thinks Elfbane has premature ejaculation, heeheehee.

Ah! There's Elfbane now, he's blocking Maddy's path!

Elfbane (over-dramatic, unappreciative, ugly, living punk): Maddy, we need to talk.
Maddy (<3): Hahaha. Isn't that what you said last time? You know, before this sandcastle started crumbling?
Elfbane: I couldn't see inside your mind. Only you could do that, and you made that choice.
Maddy: And now purple has taken over everyone and I'm starting to wish I'd invented a DEATH SHIELD to counter their DEATH GLARES and turn them into DEATH RAYS that cause DEATH. DEADLY DEATH. Of doom. More Ds than a supermodel's breasts, that's what I need. What about you Elfbane? You look unhappy, it doesn't suit you.
Elfbane: This was fun until dwarves started losing their lives. Well, aside from the shell thing. And Kodak. Anyway, two were just found crushed by shattered glass in the storage, and all that was left to identify them were their pig tail robes, dyed from hide root. All I want to know, Maddy, is WHY you made that choice.
Maddy: Because of that magical barrier that's keeping every dwarf on this island.
Elfbane: What, ghosts can get through?
Maddy: ... Not as far as I know, but that's a good point! Hey, Kodak. I take it you're still there?
Wheee! Maddy spoke to me!
Maddy: It would really help me if you could float out over the ocean and see if you can reach beyond the shipwrecks out there. When you get back, leave a message in ectoplasm or something outside my door.
Yes! Anything to help Maddy's experiments! Let me just take a moment to gather my will power ...
Elfbane: You tried to tell me once before, when I was delivering your meds, didn't you?
Maddy: Really? I just remember delicious candy for some reason.
Elfbane: Uh ...
Maddy: Anyway! Right. Let's see. When the elves first designed the barrier to keep us dwarves on this island, they still knew there was always the slightest chance that someday they might need to free us. Not even they can tell what arbitrary evil or other dangers might threaten the world a century from now. So, they left a back door. Normally, the magic would stop any dwarf reaching the other coast BUT the barrier also contains some basic divination magic. Through feeling extremities of emotion, it can detect danger. If the danger it detected was sufficiently high that other races on either side of the barrier must be in serious danger then it would deteriorate and allow passage for all.
Elfbane: You don't mean ...
Maddy: Yes. The magical barrier around this island is driven by plot. Testing this has been the true purpose of my experiments.
Elfbane: You really are mad. But you know what, Maddy? I still trust you.
Maddy: Thank you, Elfbane.
Hmph. I've heard enough of THIS. Time to go complete Maddy's mission!

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Few objects of note survived "the Seeing Sands"' destruction. The most informative were loose pages from a diary. Copies are attached. An avid reader might be pleased; outside of the damage radius a second item was recovered relating to the diary. A wooden barrel, with a scrawled message across the front: "Warning! Excessively dangerous fire imps! Do not allow contact with lava! This side up." It is highly likely an eager and stupid goblin discovered it while scavenging and carried it to safety before "the Seeing Sands" collapsed completely. The barrel is empty now, save for legible scratchings and traces of fresh cat urine. As one of those scratches reads "Elfbane was here!" it is likely that dwarf and a clever cat escaped alive within it.

The Bored Scratchings Of Elfbane Chaotika

Clothed in darkness, shadows bind me
Warnings for goblins who find me
Scrawled outside while I sit in fear
Of what happens if I'm still here
Magma rises and prisons fall
Then there's no survivors at all
Our fort becomes an arena ...
Save us, deux ex machina


There once was a dwarf from boatmurdered
Who escaped as the madness was furthered
She was but a child
Who somehow still smiled
"Doombringer" the passersby murmured

... I've got nothing.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Secondly, a small machine of interest was buried deep within the debris. A cursory examination suggests it was used for recording and replaying audio. The internal components were missing when I located it, possibly presumably undeniably broken and destroyed in the disaster.

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

HAHAHAHAHA. I've figured it out. I know who the traitor is. I spent all of last night drinking coffee and looking through my files and drinking more coffee and listening to my voice logs and drinking coffee and piecing together locations from Warla's old schedules and holy shit do I need to pee right now but that's not important! The only dwarf in this fortress who has had the physical opportunity for each sabotage, pill swapping or idea seeding is that exhunter who came in with the first migrant wave. What was his motive? I couldn't figure it out until just now when I was talking to Elfbane. It's the barrier; it doesn't just function on plot, since my experiments began here it has also been GENERATING plot as part of the feedback. And if the tales from merchants are anything to go by, the only dwarf who has caused as much chaos in the world as to be drawn in so early by this feedback is the one who controlled the damned fortress on the goblin's sacred grounds ...

"Lady Ruins."
There he, uh, she is! GET HER, COLOURS!
"Spare me the medicated foolery, I know the level of understanding you have reached. Why else would you be hiding away in your chambers when as we speak hostile goblins are pouring unhindered from a prison of your own design?"
What? All I've done here is research to try and reduce the barrier's backlash. Did you ..?!
"Release them? Of course. Why, you were going to do the same thing in your little drama eventually."
Not until I was ... Forget that! What are you doing here? You've been too careful before now. If you think your military training is enough to kill me ...
"I would be correct. I don't believe you've ever invent a weapon. However, given the volcanic disturbance and approaching goblin army from the outside, I came here to offer you a choice."
"My, and I haven't even asked the question."
You don't need to, Ruins. I don't know how, but you've known all along what I've been doing. You knew how the barrier worked. You might pretend to care about me now, but you've been hindering this experiment since the first day you arrived here. You didn't want me to find out. You didn't want this happen. And you don't want these dwarves to escape the island alive. That's all I need to know.
"Ah, Maddy. You speak as if your own motives were somehow noble. Your friends are fighting for their lives, Maggarg notwithstanding, and yet you planned to hide away in your lab."
... You know that's how the magic works. I had to test this. There is no other choice.
"As you say. But our aims are not so different."
Okay, stop. Are you serious? You just said you released the goblins and NOW I'm getting the talk?
"Did you think I would practise all that monologuing for nothing? Or are you planning to walk out now and face your guinea pigs?"
Sigh. Just get it over with, then.

"Ahem. I heard the other dwarves used to call you mad. Do you know why that was, Maddy? If you were just afraid of gremlins, it would be a phobia. If you just took orders from colours they'd give you drugs and call you eccentric. Unusual, pitiful perhaps, and yet nobody faulted Kodak for his flaws. Nobody feared him. Yet right now the Count calls for your death. I, too, have many dwarves seeking my head. Why? Because while other dwarves languish in petty caverns and skirmish with elephants we stand alone and we see the truth. Insanity is just a label for what our 'friends' are afraid to admit and ... is ... is that popcorn? Are you eating popcorn?"
Yup. You want some?
"No thanks. As I was saying. The truth is, we dwarves are selfish creatures. Even as we speak, thousands of years of natural design and innocent creature are being hacked away by dwarves looking for a home for winter. We'll lay waste to goblin sieges far larger in numbers than our own. We'll trap the land and drain the rivers and burn the countryside for our own amusement but if somebody dares to suggest WE are the problem ... Even you, keeping an army waiting to attack your friends while unwilling to put yourself in danger for you 'plot'. Even I, leading so many to death while assuring my own escape. That is why they're afraid, because YOU, The Mad Scientist, understand that sometimes one of your own needs to be sacrificed for the greater good."
"You were close, Maddy, so close. But you didn't think far enough. To kill a dwarf and save their race is too small an ideal, and ultimately meaningless. You cannot change who you are. Did you even think of what would happen if you were right? Ten years ago the whole world hated us enough that even exile was barely tolerated for the crimes of one dwarf! You call yourself a scientist, but you went beyond merely learning. You set up this whole mess; I never built the prison or suggested destroying the ocean. You would set your dwarves free into a world that hated them and a war they couldn't win. Did you really think that would SAVE them? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do understand after all. That the only way for us to achieve peace now is to kill a race to save their world. And that is the truth all those dwarves fear."

"Well, Maddy? I don't have long before the army outside attacks. I have a powerful friend who will have ensured an escape for myself, perhaps one or two others. I'm afraid you've outdone yourself; it's only a matter of time before this castle crumbles and takes everyone lingering with it."
... Is that all?
"For today."
Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I was actually worried for a moment there. And you really believe that? You may be a magnificent, manipulative bitch, but you could never be a scientist. Where's your reasoning? Where's your evidence? Where's your popcorn?
"What has exactly does popcorn have to do with it?"
Popcorn is planning. I LIKE popcorn. It is GOOD to eat. And I knew from the moment I started this experiment people were going to disagree with me. Hence, lectures. Hence, popcorn. But you. You are so sure that you're right, that you haven't even bothered to check your facts, let alone bring popcorn in case somebody started monologuing to YOU.
"I am not wrong."
Maybe not. But while you've been scheming away or talking to yourself or whatever else it is you chessmaster archetype dwarves do in your spare time -
"Which of us is holding the voice recorder, hmm?"
Shut up, that's for SCIENCE. And you're still doing it now. Trying to change the subject and look down on other dwarves because you're too afraid that you might be wrong to step outside and stop thinking of the bigger picture for two seconds so that might let you realise that the world's problems aren't as black and white as you think they are. That's irony, right there. You were right, in a way. We both see how the world works. But while you only try to change it, I have stood back and watched long enough to know the WHY.
You say dwarves are selfish? Of course we are! And so is everyone else. Do you think your goblin army outside is thinking of saving the world, or are they just hoping to loot some riches for themselves? Do you think the human merchants really care about our thriving fortress, or are they just in it to steal our beer biscuit recipe? Do you think elves really care about the environment or are they just pissed because someone is cutting down their preferred aesthetics? It doesn't matter. If you take out the dwarves, the goblins start warring instead. Even if you left just one race they're only individuals and they'd fight over something. I'd have thought Asno would have taught you that.
Everyone stands out for their own reasons. Every death out there today will haunt me for the rest of my life. And they'll be joining the queue, because damn it, Kodak already does that and it's mildly irritating, if a little bit flattering. But I draw a line. There are some things I won't let die. And we are dwarves, Ruins. We can't sit around idle and build sandcastles for all eternity. We fight. We dig. Some of us even write poetry. But the one thing we all have in common is that the one thing we never do is give up. We were exiled because Doomhammer would never quit for any lawyer, and will never rest until his tunnels buried somewhere outside this island are finished. Do you remember Strife chasing those camels? He never gave up until he'd killed one. Waylon couldn't tell a joke to save his life, but he's never given up trying to entertain. Cookie has lost his family, his home, and even his genitals, but no matter how much crap fate drops in his ale he never gives up.
Even you, Ruins, still standing and listening to all this, haven't given up thinking of ways to change my mind. I wouldn't, even if I was only freeing these dwarves into a war they couldn't win. But they never would have given up either. And compared to sitting around in this prison for the rest of my life? Losing is fun.
You're a dwarf, Ruins. You're wrong, but you're a dwarf, and that is why you can change the world but you'll never manage to change us.
"I don't need to change any of you. Only kill you."
Good luck with that. You're up against a whole race of YOUs.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Lastly, a mechanical head disguised as a dwarf remained intact beside the ruined machinery on the beach. It retains minimal power at present time, but its internal display is permenantly blue. My attempts to fix it resulted only in errors and cries of "Exterminate!". It may retain useful data, but is unusable without instructions from its creator.

C:\Documents and Settings\Bahl\My Recent Documents\Shortcut to BrutusC1of2.rmvb

A large number of dwarves are standing. The location is a moderately sized sculpture garden. Several statues are knocked over and damaged. Sand can be seen trickling from the ceiling. The mood is tense and desperate. An insane fisherdwarf suddenly collapses and dies from thirst. He is ignored. A single dwarf lurks outside the doors. She is dressed as a scientist and is visibly nervous. One sickly dwarf begins pointing at the others.

Sarek: We're all going to die. I'm going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're ...
Steinunn: Shut up, what are you, an elf? These may not be the magnificent stone hallways we SHOULD be living in, but anything dug out by a dwarf pick is safe enough for me.
Hat: Sarek is probably correct.
Brutus: This isn't how I remember it, this wasn't supposed to happen!
Warla: AHEM. Has anybody seen Elfbane Chaotika or that exhunter? They're the only dwarves unaccounted for.
Hat: I believe Elfbane was worried about Fluffy and is searching in the mines.
Warla: If he's not back in two minutes I'm marking him as dead.
Waylon: How about a joke to lighten the mood? Knock -
Cookie: DON'T TOUCH THAT WALL it'll fall on our heads!
Waylon: Oh. Right. Awkward.
Sarek: ... going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're ...

A bright flash of green light suddenly blinds the room. Dwarves reel, clasping their eyes. It fades. In the middle of the room a statue has been replaced by three sides of a stone cubical. The inside is covered with runes. A new dwarf stands inside. His appearance is identical to Brutus.

Brutus: ME?!
Brutus C2: Call me Brutus C2; the terminology is going to get very confusing. For reference, you're Brutus B and the me who died a while ago was Brutus A.
Brutus B: Huh? Wait, so you're me from the future?
Brutus C2: Past. Look, I need to change clothes and get some make-up on, an earlier version of my timeline, Brutus C1, is about to appear and save you, and I don't want to fuck this up anymore than it already is by recognising myself. Does anybody here have some lipstick?
Warla: No.
The Countess: Not on me.
Maggarg: Um.
Warla: ...
Maggarg: What?! I stole it by mistake okay! I thought it was ... chapstick!
Steinunn: That's not any better!

Brutus C2 recites nonsense latin and the cubical vanishes. For the next minute the crowd of dwarves anxiously disguise Brutus C2.

Brutus B: Just what is happening here?
Brutus C2: Okay, listen. I, that is, you, uh, we ... Damn it. Brutus first invented time travel as a child. He traveled forward to cheat on a history test but couldn't figure out how to time travel backwards. Instead he continued forward until learning of his presence in this fortress. That Brutus, C1, is about to appear now and save us from the collapsing fortress. After that, together Brutus C1 and B travel toward and meet Brutus A directly after his device is "stolen" by Brutus B. This splits Brutus A into Brutus A2. Brutus A2 can't directly interact with Brutus A1 because they're from the same time line, so Brutus A2 creates another time travel device to carry C1, B and A2 back to when Brutus A1 invented time travel and tweaked his time period notes. This meant that Brutus A1 later arrived at this fortress after Brutus B, who is now split into Brutus B2. Brutus B2 tells Brutus A1 the device wasn't stolen, splitting him into Brutus A3. Brutus B2 learns how to time travel, while Brutus A3 - the original Brutus who remembered time travel from his childhood and survived - takes hiding far in the past. Brutus C1 then arrives here and becomes Brutus C2. Once Brutus C1 has saved everyone here (Oh, except Bahl. Robots screw with the runes but that's a whole other story.) and left, Brutus C2 teaches teach YOU, Brutus B1 how to travel thus merging Brutus B1 and B2 into a single Brutus B again who continues life with the survivors of this fortress. Brutus A2 is effectively redundant and doomed at this point and will FIRST travel back to knock out and give amnesia to Brutus C2 after he's returned to his earlier time so that Brutus B (who is Brutus C2's future self) will remember time travel late enough that it was there to have gone back in time with THEN Brutus A2 travels back to before Brutus B1 arrived to die in Brutus A1s place. Is that all clear?

Brutus B: ... I have no idea what you just said.
Newb: lolwut
Maggarg: You sunk my battleship.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

This concludes my report. Although no direct evidence of Lady Ruins' presence was found, I will add on a personal note that this disaster bears her signature. Coincidentally, the first three goblins to scavenge from the debris claimed to have seen no dwarves alive and yet each were killed or seemingly committed suicide within twenty four hours. It is my suspicion that Lady Ruins was the ultimate cause of this destruction and that it was some corruption within the goblin ranks or even our own that allowed her to escape.

Of course, this is only a theory.


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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #227 on: April 22, 2009, 09:21:25 am »

Quite possibly the best chapter yet.

Or maybe I'm just starved for your writing. Either way, it's good.


Maggarg - Eater of chicke

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #228 on: April 22, 2009, 03:07:16 pm »

Will Maggarg ever find his waterskin?
Find out in the next thrilling chapter of All Dwarves are bastards!

I forgot how good this was.
...I keep searching for my family's raw files, for modding them.


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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #229 on: April 22, 2009, 04:44:00 pm »

Ah time parawhatevers... Lovely way to start off the day, with a headache.

Brutus Brutus brutUS! Brutus Brutus brutUS!

Jim Groovester

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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #230 on: April 22, 2009, 06:24:48 pm »

That time travel explanation reminds me of Primer. What an intentionally confounding movie.

I'm glad to see Kodak is doing stuff. Since he's technically a ghost and survived 'The Day', is there any possibility of him showing up at the next fortress?

Also, awesome update.
I understood nothing, contributed nothing, but still got to win, so good game everybody else.


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Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
« Reply #231 on: April 24, 2009, 11:07:26 pm »

- CHAPTER FORTY THREE: Name One War That Wouldn't Be Better With Them -

New Fortress!
Train an army of nude, lesbian mud wrestlers to fight evil. What more needs to be said?

My Very First Captain's General's Log

17th Obsidian
You'll have to excuse the illustrations of ships and telescopes to the side, apparently the carping city that I'm assigned to doesn't carry adult journals. "Uh, aren't diaries just for children and melodramatic wimps?" my elf. It's not a carping diary, it's a SERIOUS RECORD. If the Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness actually send The Tax Collector or someone around to check this thing I am going to be the laughing stock of this whole elephant damned island. Carp.

Anyway. Exposition. This is the official log of General Nice, commander of the NLMWA. In recent months the standing of dwarves on this island has been deteriorating. It was the elves that started it, of course - a group of migrants went "missing" along an otherwise unmarked elvish trade route - but afterwards there were several small skirmishes started by renegade dwarves. The king elect still locked up, and peace kept. Until the destruction of some goblin sacred grounds, and the demon attacks began. The survivors mostly stayed low, although one dwarf named Syoan could never stay quiet about anything, and so rumours about the shadowy Lady Ruins spread. Goblins leapt at the chance to war again. Nobody knows the entire truth and the other races are too cowardly to pick a side.

The Council say they planned this (and carp swim out of my elf) and now plan to take advantage of the hostile air to raise several armies without suspicion. Just about anyone who asked was given permission. The smug elephant laughed as he confirmed mine, but he'll see. Agility and practised survivability in the extremist of conditions. Massive savings on equipment. Psychological warfare against any humanoid foes. Obvious morale benefits for the non-combatants. Before long, the Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army will be the flagship of the Council, and soon after, the world!

27th Obsidian
Recruitment is going ... very ...

Ah, carp it! Recruitment is purple. Anyone would think women didn't want the chance to show off and kick elf at the same time. Bah, they don't know what's good for them. Those dwarves would be safer from demons behind three of my girls than an army of clunky axedwarves. Coincidentally, three is exactly how many women have signed up. Although, Tits is under the false impression I'll be paying her and I'm pretty sure Ass only signed up by accident after one too many glasses of water. At least Eyes knows what I'm talking about. Tch, I suppose I'll have to start training those three and wait for the inevitable "bird watchers" to spread the word.

Aside from the ladies, I've chosen three male dwarves to do the real work behind the scenes. First there's Namingway, who will be doing the paperwork, press interviews and occasional carpentry. He has a good mind, quick and logical to judge things, but refers to himself in third person all the flooding time and apparently collects beetles. Carped if I know why. And he's the best of the lot, ugh. Marlkaris I only allowed to join because the elephant won't leave my girls alone. He keeps drooling and asking if he can join them (NO) but seemed to be awkwardly satisfied with doing crafting, gems and other finicky little wastes of time. Eyes has turned down six dates at last count, Tits four and Ass is still thinking over the first offer. I think she's somehow still sober.

Then there's this last dwarf. The weird thing is, I already had an old friend lined up to do the heavy mining for me, but the day I started recruiting he fell ill. That same day I get an application from a new miner pleading to be part of this army. I was suspicious there might be foul play going on ... until I actually met this "Doomhamer" (I'd bet my beard that's not his real name). That dwarf's a carping idiot. Well, it doesn't take brains to hack walls apart, so he'll do.

(They're just Nice's nicknames; Tits, Ass and Eyes are still up for claiming.)

Tomorrow I'll lead the seven of us up into the mountains somewhere quiet. I gave Beetle some guidelines and had him organise basic supplies for our training camp. A pick, meat, some spammable seeds, as many kegs as we could carry, a few base materials in case we need anything in particular made later, three cages on the off chance any dwarves need ... caging. I still had some money left over, so I ended up bringing a few horses and a golden crown, because elephant damn it, I deserve one for putting up with this lot.

(I give myself three, maybe four chapters before I start swearing like this IRL.)

1st Granite
We've arrived, thank elephant. If I'd heard Hammy's "Are we there yet?" one more carping time I would have thrown him in a bottomless pit. Instead he was saved FOR NOW by the discovery of a good training ground. It's a fairly flat area in the mountains, mostly covered in rock salt. There isn't any dangerous terrain or hostile wildlife around as far as I can see, so it should be safe until the flooding goblins find us. The downside is there's no water, but we have plenty of alcohol and Hammy can mine around for any underground sources when it comes to preparing the NLMWA's titular mud.

(Now if only Dwarf Fortress had peppergrass ...)

It's warm here too, which helped when my first order was for the women to strip. Tits and Ass weren't too happy, all "perverts" this and "lawyers" that. Anyone would think they "accidentally" hadn't been told what the acronym stood for when signing up. It's hardly MY fault the floods didn't read the fine print. They only get to keep their clothes on for now because we don't have anywhere to dump them yet.

The next point of order was to pick a spot for the camp and delegate jobs. I sent Mark and Beetle to scout the landscape, and Mark found a small area to the south west with patches of soil and the occasional tree. Until we find water it's the only place we have a chance of farming. We'll start carrying our supplies downhill once Beetle returns. Not the girls, of course, I wouldn't ask them to stress themselves alongside the training they'll be starting soon. Carping naturally, Mark has just told me he doesn't know how to do anything useful like farm, Beetle has an elf load of supplies to organise and start constructing with, and Hammy I barely trust to hold his pick the right way unsupervised, so somehow I, the elephant damned general of this army, am the only one carping left to get my hands dirty and farm.

Purple, I can't wait for migrants to start arriving.


  • Bay Watcher
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Of course I claim Brutus, when he arrives in the next migrant wave. I'm so attached to this guy.


  • Bay Watcher
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If I may, I would like to be Bloodbeard the Book keeper from the next immigration, a neat freak OCD dwarf that has to have everything 'just so'. Preferably male and can start off with any skill.


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I will claim a later member of the lesbian army
Name:"The" Nut Gobbler

Interests/hobbies:Working out, specifically not trimming her facial or any other body hair which is in excess, Stamping on the testicles of the male half of any species, working out some more, drinking heavily and belching alot and crushing rocks with one hand.
Personality:Basically summed up in the previous paragraph
Profesion:While is and always will be a wrestler she seceretly dreams of one day becoming a butcher.

Maggarg - Eater of chicke

  • Bay Watcher
  • His Maleficent Magnificence of Nur
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Of course, maggarg needs a pice of this action.
...I keep searching for my family's raw files, for modding them.


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Also, I'd still rather not reuse suggested dwarves from previous forts; story logistics aside, I find it more interesting to write.
Why do I get this feeling some people posting in this thread haven't actually read it? ::)


  • Bay Watcher
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Because we... Haven't?

Dwarf: Jessica wetshirt

Funny story, she's never actually worn shirt.

For the mud wrestling!


  • Bay Watcher
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Because we... Haven't?
Good to know I'm spot on then! :P


  • Bay Watcher
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Yeah, I skim read so sorry about that. I do actually read this thread, I promise
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