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Author Topic: Writing Workshop!  (Read 18495 times)

Little

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2009, 11:54:28 pm »

Any comments on mine, btw?  :P  :D
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Mulch Diggums

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2009, 11:55:17 pm »

Oh, right :D. I realy enjoyed it, but the last two lines confuse me a bit, whats that about?
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JoshuaFH

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2009, 11:57:26 pm »

I also really liked it, I thought it ended rather abruptly though. How did the police know he did it?

and the last couple lines confused me as well.
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Strife26

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2009, 12:04:54 am »

I liked it, and I think that the last lines were supposed to be confusing. If you were to make it longer, some description of the investagation would be in order, although I rather like the protaginist not knowing that he was about to be arrested.
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penguinofhonor

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2009, 12:08:23 am »

I like the story too, and I get what the last lines are supposed to mean, but they could really be worded better.
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Little

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2009, 12:10:28 am »

Description of investigation it is!  ;D

And they were supposed to be mildly confusing. They refer to the unknown author to start having that little voice that says, ‘I wonder what it would look like on fire.’   ;)

How could they be worded better?
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deadlycairn

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2009, 12:11:40 am »

I didn't find the last two lines confusing (though i may be reading it wrong). From what I read, it seems the story of Jason Narson is actually being narrated to you (by a reporter who covered the story), and the final lines are of the narrator speaking - basically saying that the same thing is happening to him. This suggests some kind of outside influence causing the arson perhaps? Ask Little, I'm sure he knows more than me. ;)

Oh, and I'll try to have something up within a week - either a short story, or a chapter from something bigger. School's coming up shortly, and boredom is my greatest motivator  :D

Also, Little, I'm amazed you managed to churn that out in a day, it was great!

Dangit, ninja'd twice, including one that ruins my explanation! I'll keep it anyway.
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Little

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2009, 12:24:30 am »

I was thinking maybe outside influence. I wanted it slightly...unknown.

Updated with a bit of investigation.

Thank you very much, Cairn. Churned it out in about an hour and a half :P

Edit: If anyone wants to read a few more Little (:P) stories, just PM me and I'll send you some of my older works.
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penguinofhonor

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2009, 12:27:03 am »

About the last bit:
Quote from: Little
He was unavailable for interview, which isn’t good. I woke up last night smelling like gas. The news is covering a massive fire which consumed multiple beach houses live, and I can’t recall where I was last night. The voices in my head aren’t my own…

Okay, the main problem is this:
Quote from: Little
The news is covering a massive fire which consumed multiple beach houses live
Is the news currently covering the burning beach houses? Because if so, then the fire is still consuming the beach houses, and therefore it shouldn't be past tense.
Or if you mean the news is live, covering the beach houses that were burned last night? If this is it, then you should take out "live" as it emphasizes that something is going on right now, and this would be drawing attention away from the main action.

The second problem is this:
Quote from: Little
He was unavailable for interview, which isn’t good. I woke up last night smelling like gas.
The first sentence hits the reader with a bit of confusion (not the good kind) which isn't resolved immediately. It's hard to explain, but the end result is that this part seems awkward, and that would be solved by linking them together into "...which isn't good, because I woke..." because this emphasizes that they're related and makes the reader stop wondering about your grammar and start wondering about the events in the story.
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Little

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2009, 12:34:26 am »

Edited. Thank you Penguin!  :)
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Jim Groovester

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2009, 01:25:03 am »

I have some recommendations for critiquing someone's story: be honest and thorough. It serves them no good if you tell them you like it without telling them why, and likewise, it serves them no good if you tell them you dislike it without further elaboration.

As an example of what I think should be done (to some extent, anyway), I will critique Little's story.

Spoiler: Critique ahead! (click to show/hide)

There, I'm done. I'm sure that we can hone our critiquing skills as we hone our writing skills.
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deadlycairn

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2009, 01:29:18 am »

I think I've read too much H.P Lovecraft. I'm seeing it - or references/allusions to it, in everything. Your ending reminds me of his stories, even though I know that kind of ending is common in short stories. His works were the thing that sprang to mind when I thought of 'outside influences' affecting the narrator.

And it has been months since I read one of his stories.

This has nothing to do with my story. However, I find it slightly disturbing that Mr Lovecraft's stories could affect me in such a manner.
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Strife26

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #27 on: February 02, 2009, 01:34:05 am »

That must have been what made the tale unsettling, the tense switched places a few times I think. It's the sort of thing that I have a bad habit of doing.
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Aqizzar

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #28 on: February 02, 2009, 07:53:55 am »

I was going to rattle off some critiques of Little's story with the friendly admonishment that critiquing is by definition pointing out problems, but Jim Groovester beat me to all of it.

My addition to this- Your story suffers from the same sort of problem I see in a lot of amateur (not an insult) writing.  Even when it's grammatically correct (and there are problems there), there's lines in the text that just don't sound like the normal way the language would be used.  My biggest piece of advice to writing is, periodically step back and read the whole thing out loud.  Don't just scan it with your eyes, however meticulously, actually speak all the words in the order you wrote them.  That's a good way to catch both grammatical errors, and weird constructions like "exploded in an explosion".


Anyway, I guess I should make a writing commitment myself, given that I spurred this thing on.  However, I'm taking a couple essay-heavy classes, and writing for my Martian survival forum game, which takes more effort than it looks like.  At least for a slacker like me.  On that note, I should mention my short lived stint as GM of Evolution, which involved a lot of writing as well.

But I had an idea for a story today, one I can write bits and pieces of and come back to as I please.  It's not a terribly original idea (in fact, I could swear I was inspired by a similar work somewhere), but I like it, and it'll let me branch my thinking.  I will tell the story of a rambling band of goblins, zombies, gargoyles, and other fantasy baddies and cannon fodder, settling dungeons and being slaughtered by heroic adventurers.  I know I want to use first-person journals to tell some of the story, if not the whole thing.  Just not sure when I'll have time to get to it.
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Fenrir

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Re: Writing Workshop!
« Reply #29 on: February 02, 2009, 08:21:11 am »

I hate when I get an idea for one character or a single scene and have no plot for it, like right now.
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