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Author Topic: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale  (Read 3162 times)

Bien

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Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« on: March 03, 2009, 09:29:20 am »

Chapter One: Ψ-Α (Psi-Alpha)

Pain, a blinding white light, and the sensation of floating in a liquid. That was what I felt, waking up in a strange tube. I shut my eyes again, listening to the pumps cycling and the valves regulating my air supply open and shut. I tried to move my arms, but something was holding them back. I opened my eyes again, this time slowly. I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the light, then I was able to get a good look around me. I was in a transparent tube of sorts, probably a modified Cryogenic Suspension Chamber. There were straps around my knees, ankles, waist, wrists and elbows. Whoever kidnapped me wanted me really secure. My vision blurred and I blinked again, my eyes re-focused on an insignia on the far wall. It took me a second to recognize it, then realization hit me like a sledgehammer. The insignia was that of the Confederate Military Science and Technology Advancement Division, CMSTAD. Or Cemstad as it is pronounced. The insignia consisted of six three-pointed stars with five-pointed stars inside them surrounding the Arketainian glyph for knowledge. All of which contained within a shield with two crossed swords.

“Shit,” I thought “I was most probably kidnapped by some Black-Ops guys while I was asleep.”

“That is most correct.” a female voice echoed through the room. “You were kidnapped by some Black-Ops agents, but only because,” she paused “we need you to help us.”

I mentally face-palmed myself. I somehow knew I was going to get into this mess sooner or later.

“So why me?” I mouthed

“It's because you have the most control over your Psi powers.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Of all of our candidates, you exhibited the most control over it.” she said “Let me show you.”

A holoscreen flickered to life on the far wall. The images being shown were taken from various cameras within the lab. One showed a girl, about 19 years of age, she was restrained to a similar looking tube. The only thing missing was the liquid. When told she was kidnapped, and taken to the lab. The floor and walls began to bend and buckle, cracks appeared on the ceiling as slabs of ubercrete began floating into the air, they seemed to be disintegrating, dust falling slowly to the floor. Then the room exploded outward in a burst of energy. Leaving half of the room intact. The girl was floating in mid-air as flames began forming on her palms. The flames shot out, hot enough to actually melt the ubercrete, and the underlying Hubnesterium supports. The walls caved in and the image dissolved into a haze of static. I winced at what happened, then the static was replaced by another video, and then another. The videos stopped and the screen flickered off again.

“How come I don't see myself there?” I mouthed

“Look to your left.” the voice said bluntly.

I looked to my left and to my horror, I saw a man impaled on the wall by a spike of ubercrete. Blood still trickled from the massive wound. I grimaced in disgust at the sight and looked away.

“I did that?” I thought

Apparently, the woman read my thoughts again.

“Yes. It happened while you were unconscious.”

“Damn.” I thought “So why am I in this liquid?”

“The liquid is a Psi-Inhibitor, it actively blocks Psi energies. And if we drain the tank, your powers, as well as your implants will go back on-line.” she added “Don't ask about the liquid, the details will just bore you.”

I decided not to ask.

The straps holding me in place detached, allowing me free movement. Then the liquid began to drain, as soon as my face was clear. My ocular implants came back on-line. Lines of diagnostic text scrolled across my vision, then the zoom function was tested, as well as the IR and Light-Amplification functions. The liquid dropped to my waist and I felt my skeletal and muscular enhancement implants turn back on, and then my regeneration implants. Soon the liquid was absent from the tank.

“So are you going to let me out?”

“Yes, but a problem has arisen. The locks are jammed, and they're made of pure Hubnesterium. The tube is made of Sycanium. Both will take days to cut through, and an antimatter torch is not available to us And if it was,” she said “ the radiation burst will probably kill you.”

“So can't we just remove the back of the tank?”

“No, it will take at least a day.” she said “And I doubt you will be eager to wait that long.”

“So any other options?” I asked, my military training kicking into gear

“Yes, you will have to use your Psi to crack the tube open.”

“Fine.”

I began concentrating on the tube walls, imagining it cracking and breaking, then exploding outwards. Nothing, I tried harder, my eyes squinting and my fists clenching. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the tube remained the same.

“A word of advice, you simply have to believe. Some actions might also help.” the voice said.

“What?” I thought

Yes, I was skeptical. The videos shown to me a while ago could have been just CG. But then, something in the far corners of my mind told me that it was all real. I let that part of my mind take control.

So I tried again. I imagined the tube cracking, then shattering. And to prevent injury to myself, I imagined the tube shattering outwards, the shards floating slowly to the floor before dissolving into dust. I also imagined it all taking place when I touch the tube. I put all my effort into concentrating, then I touched the transparent glass like metal with a finger. As soon as my fingertip made contact with the cold metal, a spiderweb crack radiated outward, then it grew until the front of the tube was like a deadly mosaic. I made a pushing motion with my hand stopping a centimeter from the surface and the tube exploded outward.

“Good!” the voice cheered “You have completed the first part of your training.”

I looked dumbfounded

“Training?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, the locks weren't really jammed. But that doesn't matter. You have shown control over the Psi.”

I was irritated, really irritated. The floor rippled slightly, then before it became worse. I stopped myself.

“You have completed the second part of your training.” the voice said, she sounded happy.

“And what was that exactly?”

“Learning to control it while being affected by emotion.” she said “There are clothes for you in the locker to your right.”

I looked to my right and I saw a door recessed into the wall, I entered it and I saw a Confederate Navy uniform. I put it on along with the boots, I was tempted to give them a spit shine, but I put it away, there was no telling if the woman was going to pull another prank on me. I exited the walk-in locker and I just waited around.

“So what am I going to do now?” I asked to myself.

The voice responded

“Go out of the room. I'll be outside to give you a formal introduction to the rest of the team.” she added “And by the way, I am also Psychic.”

I sighed and walked towards the door. It slid open as I neared, then it closed behind me. I walked into a corridor with one door besides the one that had just closed behind me. I walked into the other door and I was greeted by at least ten different people.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2009, 02:31:56 am by Bien »
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inaluct

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2009, 06:34:37 pm »

I haven't read the story, but Why does it matter at all that you're a Filipino?

Anyway, I think you have good descriptions, but I thought that the dialogue was pretty plastic, and the premise was cliched and not very interesting.

Overall, though, it was pretty good. You could definitely write a good non-dialogue based story.

Also, quick thing: no matter what setting it is, having the main character "know" that sooner or later he'll get involved with the Black Ops, or taken up into Olympus to eat dinner with the gods, or get to meet Thor or something is a bad idea. It makes the character seem like an immature idiot with an exaggerated sense of self importance.

It would be like me telling you that the Black Ops are trying to capture me for whatever reason, because I'm just that important.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2009, 06:46:28 pm by inaluct »
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SHAD0Wdump

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2009, 06:56:02 pm »

Oh,so your part of these forums too...

Shocker...

Armok

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2009, 11:28:31 pm »

Nice.
I generally dislike this type of mixing magic and scifi, but that's just me and your writing is good.
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Bien

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2009, 12:07:42 am »

It matters that I'm a Filipino because I'm trying to dispel the common misconception that Filipinos are dumb and stupid, corrupt copycats. Also I'm planning to use the cliche-ness (is that even a word?) to make the differences from the premise have much more effect on the reader. Also, can I have tips on making more realistic dialog?

Expect a new chapter tomorrow, I still have to take my last two end terms. There will be an explanation on why our lead character knew that he was going to get into this mess sooner or later.

Edit: And the real shocker is that this is coming from a 13 year old. With my spelling and grammar checker disabled.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2009, 12:13:45 am by Bien »
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Tahin

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2009, 02:23:04 am »

Not bad, actually. The dialogue is pretty stiff, but writing realistic dialogue is incredibly difficult. I suggest you go through and say some of those lines out loud and see how they sound to you.

And seriously, you're not going to dispel racial stereotypes by writing a story, especially if you make a point of putting it in the title. It's a noble pursuit, certainly, but the way you made a point of referring to yourself as a Filipino seems kind of... I don't know what the proper word would be. It's like me advertising the MUD as "Run by a Jew, and I'm not even taking your money!"
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Bien

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale from a Filipino.
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2009, 02:31:26 am »

Then I will change the title.
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IndonesiaWarMinister

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2009, 03:50:29 am »

Hmm?
Filipino? and 13 years old?

...

And I can't make stories... yet.
Does this means that Indonesians...

Nah, scratch all of that.
I'll go and enjoy myself while watching how this thing unfold.
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Fishersalwaysdie

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2009, 07:39:55 am »

Well that explains why he was acting like a 10 year old few years back.
Also I'm not actually aware of these filipino stereotypes you speak of.
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Kagus

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2009, 10:09:59 am »

The only Filipino stereotype I'm aware of is that they eat fish.

Bien

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2009, 10:29:19 am »

Cut the derail folks, before it gets worse. And if it does, I won't post the next chapter tomorrow.
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Kagus

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2009, 11:08:17 am »

Frankly, the reason I mentioned that was because you'd really rather not hear what I have to say about the story.  And also to add my voice to the fact that there's really no reason to try and dispel an undesirable Filipino stereotype (which is, or at least was, slightly related to the original idea behind the thread) if no one is aware of that particular stereotype.

Anyways, yes, do continue.

Bien

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2009, 05:41:52 am »

I have been stricken with writer's block. Thus I can't think of anything, could anyone be kind enough to give me some suggestions on how I should continue the plot? It shall be ready by Sunday (GMT +8).
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Tahin

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2009, 03:31:26 pm »

Well, I wouldn't set a deadline for yourself. Personally I suggest you go back and try to work on your dialogue a bit, for now, as at the moment it seems to be your weakness. I did a google search for "writing realistic dialogue" and it came up with quite a few helpful resources, so I suggest you check out that out as a potentially-helpful resource.

As far as my personal criticism goes, do away with the reference to black-ops. It feels really out of place, and it suggests that the main character actually has some idea what is going on, which doesn't make too much sense. Also, the closeness of "Shit." and "most probably" seems a bit... odd. In fact, having a swear word be the first thing that the main character says might not be such a good idea, as that doesn't really make the best introduction. That said, that might be the effect you're going for. Anyway, the black ops reference seems out of place, and if your world does have some sort of secret police or whatnot that's relatively well-known and would be his first guess as to who might kidnap him in his sleep, give them a different name. Otherwise, take it out. It just seems weird.

On a slightly different note, you might consider switching to third-person. I've found it's a good deal easier to write in, and it might help you separate yourself from your character a little bit.
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Bien

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Re: Ψ (Psi) - A (possibly) Epic Tale
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2009, 09:34:31 pm »

Ah, yes the Black Ops thing. I will have to explain it in later chapters. But there's a hint, as to why he knows about the Black Ops, he himself is enlisted in the military as something quite closely related to the Black Ops.
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