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[olemars]

Motion sensors combined with water sprinklers are also fun and legal.

[Jackrabbit]

I think most of us were kidding about the deadly traps. Besides, electric shocks won't kill you, depending on there lethality.

[SirHoneyBadger]

Well yeah, but at the same time, you never know who's going to read this stuff and take it a little more seriously than was ever intended.

Not that I'd objectively mind if there were a few less bike thieves in the world, since I consider that a particularly obnoxious crime, but the legal repercussions should be pointed out, especially when not everybody may be aware of the whole "protecting your property by potentially lethal means" thing.

As I understand it, atleast in a lot of places, you need a special license even to set up a razor wire fence.

[DJ]

Buy a new $200 bike, a shotgun, and plenty of snacks and coffee. Parade your new bike around the town. Park the bike in your garage and fake a departure. Sit in your garage with the shotgun until the thief arrives.

[SirHoneyBadger]

A shotgun loaded with rocksalt is a very good deterrant, that generally won't kill anybody, and has less legal problems than buckshot.

[Jackrabbit]

Salt shells, yes, that is a very good idea. That, or a rocket launcher! Filled with salt. Or maybe the first one. Yeah.

[WorkerDrone]

Where would you get a rocket launcher anyway? I guess you could make one...

ANYWAY, don't have a bike, but I know a few friends who had bikes. I use to record movies of them jumping off ramps for them and stuff. This was years ago.

Anyway, at one point they came over so we could mess with one of the videos. They were all in such a hurry, they just left their bikes on the front lawn. We come out in maybe two hours, all the bikes are gone. They were literally crushed, and inside, I was laughing my ass off.

...

Am I a bad person? Eh.

[Jackrabbit]

No, the correct thing to say is

"so, I'm a bad person"

there is no "am"

[WorkerDrone]

...

Wait...

What?!

STOP CONFUSING ME.

[Cthulhu]

Potato gun.

Nonlethal, powerful, hilarious.

Just don't shoot them in the head.

[Yanlin]

When I read this topic I was expecting a whole bunch of "Nigga stole my bike!" jokes. Im proud of you b12, proud.

But as for me, I've never had my bike stolen. I keep it in my backyard and its fine. I dont exactly live in a major urban center though, that may be why.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Nigga stole my bike joke quota filled.

[Puck]

Yeah, brand new bicycle bought yesterday. Rode it once. Stolen from my garage. The guy broke into my garage, cut the chain, and stole the bike and ONLY the bike. $200 goes flying out the window.

I'm sorry for your loss. Next time put the bike in your apartment.

And don't spend $200 on a bicycle.

Also this. 200 buck bikes are -mostly- pure crap, unless you had some primo oldskool parts put together yourself.
Normally, even for roadbikes, the absolute minimum you can spend is around 500 dollars/euros, else you just get subpar parts (well, maybe not if you go singlespeed / fixed gear).

I know aquizzar meant it differently, but seriously guys.... 200 buck bikes... you might as well burn your money. Youre SO better of spending a bit more ONCE and then paying attention properly.

And just for the record: top three places where bikes get stolen most often:
1) stairwell
2) backyard
3) garage

I'm not kidding.

edit: and if you're looking for a proper bikelock, get a kryptonite u-lock (or similar quality). Everything else is just a waste of money, again. Cable locks never ever ever work, I do not know why people even use them to secure a whole bike. I use one to secure a wheel that has a quick release which I always want to keep there.

It's important to always remember EVERY lock can and will get broken/picked. The trick is to get a lock (and a place to put your bike) where thieves will take long enough and will have to make enough noise so they wouldnt even try/would take to long.

Ive been a cycle messenger for almost 3 years and I own 4 bikes that are ready to be put on the street (together they're worth close to 10.000 €) and a few more that just rot away slowly  The good stuff sits in my apartment, and sometimes I even put one in the bedroom, just because they so pwetty  - I think I know my bike-lore. Oh, and I had about 5 bikes stolen already, too.

But not since I followed the same advice I gave you. That's something my bikedealer taught me, and it served me well so far. *knocks on wood*

edit2: if your bike dealer didnt tell you that a 200 buck bike is crap and a cable lock never works and every lock can be opened without a key.... get a different dealer, because he might as well just be an ass that doesnt care for your biking experience but just for your fucking money.

[Lear]

I would suggest rows and rows of cage traps.

I've never actually had a bike stolen, but I did have a bigwheel that I left out on a playground right next to my house

[Muz]

Industrial chains are as strong as those professional bike locks and only $5, with a heavy, harder to pick lock for it being around $20

I'm confused why people would go to so much effort to steal bikes, though. It's not like they're cars. Or even laptops.

[Puck]

with a heavy, harder to pick lock for it being around $20

hint hint, heavy is not what you're looking for, when it comes to bike accessoires. edit: and when you downgrade to a similar weight class, the chain looses to the ulock because the links need to be welded, which makes them "brittle" at those spots. I believe you can crack chains open with the temperature trick. I ain't no bike thief, tho. Also, it's subpar when it comes to actually being used while riding. Transporting that chain becomes a major pita.

There's a reason why the "New York Chain" didnt sell so well