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Author Topic: So I need to write a script...  (Read 5584 times)

Asheron

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2009, 11:46:02 am »

Setting: Inside an appartement or house, preferably a bland urban one. The more rundown the better.

A man, preferably one who looks a bit depressed, tired and dirty, knocks on a door ( preferably, in the case that he is at a house, while it's morning ).
A cheerful looking ( until she sees the man ) woman opens the door. The two stare at eachother for a few seconds before embracing eachother.
The man enters. Both sit down and start to talk. Out of the discussion, the viewer can derive that the man is the ex boyfriend of the woman. He ended the relationship for a career in a far away city/country/... but he never stopped loving her. Because of unfortunate events, he has lost all what he chose above her and now he has returned. He asks if she can forgive him for giving up their relationship, perhaps hinting at starting anew. The women makes it clear that she is in love with another man now, and that she cannot start anew. She pities him and gives him back a trinket/jewel ( a fake one seeing you have that budget ) he once gave her. The man is clearly shaken and leaves the appartment almost bursting out in tears.
He wanders around in a park ( it's getting late ). Possibly have him carrying a empty bottle of booze to imply he has been drinking between the conversation and this scene. He comes across a bench. A flashback can be seen in which the man and the women can be seen flirting with eachother on said bench. He sits upon the bench while holding the trinket in his palms. You can hear him crying. Possibly, teardrops falling upon the trinket/jewel for dramatic effect. The screen becomes black. A shot of the ground now. The trinket is lying on the flour/ground. Slowly, the camera goes up and you can see the man's feet hanging motionlessly in the air ( so that the viewer gains the impression that he hanged himself, but does not get any tangible confirmation ). The end!

Time frame is a day. With the encounter between man and women happening at day, the park scene at night.

This might be too much written out already, too stereotypical or just plain bad, I don't know, but in any case I hope you are something with it. 
« Last Edit: July 17, 2009, 11:53:50 am by Asheron »
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2009, 01:55:01 pm »

Setting: Inside an appartement or house, preferably a bland urban one. The more rundown the better.

A man, preferably one who looks a bit depressed, tired and dirty, knocks on a door ( preferably, in the case that he is at a house, while it's morning ).
A cheerful looking ( until she sees the man ) woman opens the door. The two stare at eachother for a few seconds before embracing eachother.
The man enters. Both sit down and start to talk. Out of the discussion, the viewer can derive that the man is the ex boyfriend of the woman. He ended the relationship for a career in a far away city/country/... but he never stopped loving her. Because of unfortunate events, he has lost all what he chose above her and now he has returned. He asks if she can forgive him for giving up their relationship, perhaps hinting at starting anew. The women makes it clear that she is in love with another man now, and that she cannot start anew. She pities him and gives him back a trinket/jewel ( a fake one seeing you have that budget ) he once gave her. The man is clearly shaken and leaves the appartment almost bursting out in tears.
He wanders around in a park ( it's getting late ). Possibly have him carrying a empty bottle of booze to imply he has been drinking between the conversation and this scene. He comes across a bench. A flashback can be seen in which the man and the women can be seen flirting with eachother on said bench. He sits upon the bench while holding the trinket in his palms. You can hear him crying. Possibly, teardrops falling upon the trinket/jewel for dramatic effect. The screen becomes black. A shot of the ground now. The trinket is lying on the flour/ground. Slowly, the camera goes up and you can see the man's feet hanging motionlessly in the air ( so that the viewer gains the impression that he hanged himself, but does not get any tangible confirmation ). The end!

Time frame is a day. With the encounter between man and women happening at day, the park scene at night.

This might be too much written out already, too stereotypical or just plain bad, I don't know, but in any case I hope you are something with it. 

I admire your effort, but to be as bluntly honest as I can be, but to be honest, this is not that good.

In fact, it's quite terrible.

There's not much of a storyline. Man comes to woman, woman rejects man, man tries to win her over, fails. Man proceeds to drink himself stupor and hang himself. Teh edn.

I just don't see this being turned into a good movie. The only hope this has, is a novel. A long novel.


Here are a few pointers.

Why is the new love interest of the woman not introduced? In fact, why is he not at her house when the ex-boyfriend arrives? That creates a good conflict situation. Embarrassment, etc.

What happens during the entire 2nd act? There's no content there aside from the rejection and drinking.

How is the viewer supposed to realize the man is her ex-boyfriend? This needs to be placed in dialog. The best way? You guessed it. Put the new boyfriend in there who doesn't know the guy. So the woman has to explain.

This is more emotion than I would entrust my potential actors with. I really don't want to be doing 50 takes of every shot and then picking the one that sucks the least.

Why is she giving him back the trinket just now? Why not when he left?

Why is he hanging himself? I mean seriously!

Better yet, why is the hanging the ending? A good ending would be the woman discovering of this and starting to cry herself. Blaming herself even though it's not her fault. Etc.

Incidentally, where's the 3rd act? All there is in there is that one scene where the man hangs himself.



I must start writing a script by next month. So you guys should hurry up and throw your ideas at me.
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Strife26

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #17 on: July 17, 2009, 02:06:29 pm »

What about mine?!
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #18 on: July 17, 2009, 02:22:08 pm »

I don't have the budget for a proper medieval style movie. So no.
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chaoticag

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2009, 02:48:25 pm »

How about this:

Sports champion is a self-centered popular dude that wins most his games.

He gets in a car accident, and his injuries stop him from playing again.

He then suffers, and finally learns to cope with life or commits suicide, depending on the message you want to give out. (Don't be a jerk or sports heros are ephemiral).

Or.

You can parody the sports guy overcoming a disability theme, and have a pingpong champion break his arms and one leg (in an unlikely accident) a a week before his championship match, and learns to play using a racket in his mouth and on an office chair.
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2009, 03:02:55 pm »

The first idea, it could be good, but there's really no plot and I doubt I can afford to make a car crash. After all, I have to visually convey that the car is damaged. Or else the impact is missing. (Pun intended.)

The second idea, would make a good comedy. But it cliches sports movies. Which is something I want to avoid.

Remember that I will actually need someone who is actually able to play ping pong with his mouth.
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Broose

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #21 on: July 17, 2009, 03:05:37 pm »

DO A MUSIC VIDEO
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Asheron

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #22 on: July 17, 2009, 05:59:24 pm »

I admire your effort, but to be as bluntly honest as I can be, In fact, it's quite terrible. You suck at life and everything. I sincerely hope you die.
Hehe, I suspected you'd reply something like that. I know, it's a pretty shallow story, but I just came up with it and was interested in what you were going to say about it. Might have another go at it later.
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #23 on: July 17, 2009, 06:45:37 pm »

Please do. Remember. Your goal is to INSPIRE me to START the process. It's a snowball.

I have a MASSIVE POOL OF SCRIPTWRITING FUEL. I just need ONE SPARK OF CREATIVITY.

Unfortunately, you must grind your brain against itself to generate such a spark. (Think)
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GruffyBears

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2009, 07:28:57 pm »

Man sees woman being mugged. Saves woman and beats mugger intensly. Story follows the mugger who turns out to be a single parent struggling to make ends meet. Woman is actually an abusive, dominating wife and mother. Teaches us that everything is relative. Call it "What would you do for her?" Make money and become famous, but then fall into a vicious cycle of drugs and debt. Die in a gutter 10 years later.

Right, you only wanted a script...

It's vague, unoriginal and tired, so it'll be an instant hit.

Try the random word tactic. Write words on paper, then link them and try to find meaning.
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #25 on: July 18, 2009, 06:45:30 am »

That kind of story would be heavy on flashbacks. Not to mention, why the fuck are they in the street?

Besides, the story falls flat on its ass considering that it's still wrong to steal even if you're poor.

I could explain it in more detail, but trust me. This wouldn't work.
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Strife26

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #26 on: July 18, 2009, 08:42:10 am »

Listen to carry on my wayward song (the one I'm currently quoting in my sig) for a while, then base the entire movie off of it.

You could get some cool stuff, I'd think.
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Yanlin

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #27 on: July 18, 2009, 09:20:12 am »

I don't think that will work.

Edit: This should help you guys help me.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2009, 11:39:49 am by Yanlin »
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Broose

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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #28 on: July 18, 2009, 03:46:40 pm »

Shit, I think I just got the best idea ever. You go on tvtropes, and make a comedy based on several different tropes. BAM! BEST MOVIE EVER!
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Re: So I need to write a script...
« Reply #29 on: July 18, 2009, 03:57:43 pm »

Man sees woman being mugged. Saves woman and beats mugger intensly. Story follows the mugger who turns out to be a single parent struggling to make ends meet. Woman is actually an abusive, dominating wife and mother. Teaches us that everything is relative. Call it "What would you do for her?"

This is such a great idea.
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