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Author Topic: Random short story I wrote.  (Read 3068 times)

shadow_archmagi

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Random short story I wrote.
« on: August 04, 2009, 11:54:05 am »

   “I suppose, as long as I'm going to kill you, I might as well reveal my plan” he gloated. Evangi had been waiting a long time for this moment. As spoke he toyed with a jeweled dagger, tossing it back and forth between his hands. He would have done the trick where you balance the dagger by it's point on your finger, but he didn't know how, and the dagger was poisoned anyway.
   “Damn you!” cried the brash young prince Adrian. “What fiendish and bedeviled scheme have you cooked up this time!?”
   “I don't think bedeviled is a word.” replied the evil vizier. “Perhaps it is, but I'm pretty sure it's just a way of cooking eggs.”
   “...” said Adrian.
   “Anyway, I suppose I had best get on with my evil gloat. Right. Plan.” At this point Evangi stood and swaggered over to where his guards were holding the heroic lad.
   “First, I'm going to kill you. Then I'll take over the world.”   As he finished the sentence, he used the dagger. “And with the prince stabbed, I will be in a supreme position to do exactly that. Hmm. They call it a dagger, but it stabs. Why not a stabber? I suppose stabber refers to the person doing the stabbing. Still. Well, prince, consider yourself dagged.” This last remark was never heard by Adrian, who had already bled to death earlier in the sentence.
---
SOME TIME LATER
---
   Trumpets blared. Fanfares fared. Hundreds of white doves were released, having been specially constipated to prevent any unfortunate incidents. The soon-to-be-former-grand-vizier approached the throne, where the crown was waiting for him. It was large, and gold, and shiny. It was a very expensive way of saying “OBEY THE PERSON BENEATH THIS SIGN.”
   There was a long-winded speech on the part of the clergy saying that they had definitely been talking to the supreme being of the universe and that they were quite certain he approved of the new king and felt the coronation was a strong step in the right direction and that for choosing such a splendid man all the clergy deserved a sizable donation.
   Eventually, the Vizier got to put on the crown. He grinned, and knew that there was no one who could stop him now. Then, as if in response, came a voice from the crowd. “Not so vast! You have not won yet!”
   The king lept to his feet and shouted back “Who dares defy the authority of the crown! Show yourself!”
   Using the sort of herd-survival instincts buried deep within every nameless crowd member, the crowd immediately parted, revealing a tall, gaunt man with an enormous wig and golden monocle. “It is I, the only one with power enough to thwart an evil such as you!”
   Evangi recognized his old foe and laughed an evil laugh. “Ah, the old Duke of Westlingtonburyvilleburg! You may have been outranked me before, but I am king now! KING!”
   “Oh really?” said the duke, as he slowly reached towards his immense wig. “I think not!” he cried, as he ripped it from his head, revealing a golden crown even more magnificent than Evangi's “Because I am actually not a duke, but the SUPER KING!”
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invention is every dwarf's middle name
that means that somewhere out there theres a dwarf named Urist Invention Mcinvention.

Armok

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2009, 12:14:59 pm »

What?
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So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

shadow_archmagi

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2009, 12:55:01 pm »

What?

I'll consider this a success if you're willing to upgrade to "Lol, what?"
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invention is every dwarf's middle name
that means that somewhere out there theres a dwarf named Urist Invention Mcinvention.

Labs

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2009, 10:23:13 pm »

Yay?
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I like to slip into bear caves around midnight and gently caress the carnivore inside before leaving a small cut of fresh fish and sneaking out.

IndonesiaWarMinister

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2009, 08:28:52 am »

lolwut.

Okay, it's... good enough, I guess.

EDIT: THE ENDING, OH GOD.

I AM THE SUPER KING! KING EMPEROR LORD BRITISH!
« Last Edit: August 05, 2009, 08:33:14 am by IndonesiaWarMinister »
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Asheron

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2009, 08:31:22 am »

Hundreds of white doves were released, having been specially constipated to prevent any unfortunate incidents.
Alright, I laughed.
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Quote from: Yahtzee
Yes, random is funny, isn't it? Sometimes I set up a random number generator when I need a good laugh.

Jackrabbit

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2009, 10:13:58 pm »

I am the very model of a Super King and General
I've information vegetable, animal and mineral
I know the kings of Westlingtonburyvilleburg and I quote the fights historical
From Maryland to Nowhereplace in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted too with matter stabbimatical
I understand the methods both simple and dramatical
About poisoning my weapons I am teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about the way I'm going to kill you

With many cheerful facts about the way I'm going to kill you
With many cheerful facts about the way I'm going to kill you
With many cheerful facts about the way I'm going to kill to kill you


I'm very good at eating endangered animals (I've done a lot of this)
I know the scientific names of kiwis and hippopotamus.
In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a Super King and General

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a Super King and General


I know our mythic history, King Spotwagam's and Sir Pantybrock's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous

I can tell undoubted Westlingtonburyvilleburgs from Adrians and Evangis
I know the danger of the crap from pigeons (oh the humanity!)
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinapinafore


Then I can write a story (short) in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you ev'ry detail of the blade Evangis has worn
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a Super King and General

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a Super King and General


In fact, when I know what is meant by "pigeon" and then "constipation"
When I can tell at sight a tiny dagger from some fornication*
When such affairs as coups and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern stabbery
When I know more of tactics than a novice name Sir Gabbery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental daggery
You'll say a better Super King and General had never stabbed a bee

You'll say a better Super King and General had never stabbed a bee
You'll say a better Super King and General had never stabbed a bee
You'll say a better Super King and General had never stabbed a stabbed a bee


For my stabbing knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a Super King and General

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a Super King and General


*The architecture of vaults and cellings, obviously.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2009, 06:16:46 am by Jackrabbit »
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shadow_archmagi

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2009, 11:09:16 pm »

...

Jackrabbit, I see now why people praise you.
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invention is every dwarf's middle name
that means that somewhere out there theres a dwarf named Urist Invention Mcinvention.

Jackrabbit

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2009, 11:10:50 pm »

Wow, what? People praise me? Outside of that story I wrote? I'm grateful. Thank you.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2009, 11:13:07 pm by Jackrabbit »
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ousire

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2009, 12:39:43 am »

jackrabbit, i have no damn clue what the hell that is, but you deserve a big shiney reward for that awsomness
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Armok

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2009, 06:04:22 am »

Someone should sing and record that song!
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So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

Jackrabbit

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2009, 07:12:45 am »

jackrabbit, i have no damn clue what the hell that is, but you deserve a big shiney reward for that awsomness

It's a hacked together rip-off of the song 'Modern-Major General', which is awesome, go watch it.
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Vester

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2009, 07:25:26 am »

Ending = epic win.
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"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."

shadow_archmagi

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Re: Random short story I wrote.
« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2009, 06:28:37 pm »

Ending = epic win.

I was initially going to use that as a surprise twist in a game of D&D I am running.
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invention is every dwarf's middle name
that means that somewhere out there theres a dwarf named Urist Invention Mcinvention.