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[IndonesiaWarMinister]

I'll help you out.  As Cthulhu, I've been watching you guys since you first appeared and started doing your stupid things.

Girls want a man who can provide for them, so here's what you do.  Head out to the prairie, Kansas or Nebraska will work, and find the biggest buffalo around.  Kill it with your bare hands.  Now, the native Americans used every part of a buffalo except the grasnizoot, but unless she had really high standards, you won't have to use every part.

Make its hide into a fur coat.  Cook its meat into a delicious dinner.  Inflate its bladder to use as a friendly dodgeball for when you're goofing around with her.  Make its bones into jewelry, and bury its skull near an anthill.  After a few months, dig it up and it'll be picked clean.  Cut out the bottom of the skull.

Give her all of the things you made with the buffalo except the skull, and she will love you, because she'll know you'll never let her be in want.


The other side to girlfriending is keeping her.  This is where the skull comes in.  Wear that thing.  If you've got extra bits of leather from the coat, use them to cobble together a loincloth and maybe a shoulderguard.  Tattoo a demon face onto your chest.  Maybe kill another buffalo and put its skull on the end of a staff(But be sure to put some feathers on there too). No one will ever hit on her when you're around.  Ever.  That's how I kept my first girlfriend.

tl;dr Be a demonic warlock!

[Aqizzar]

Spoiler: Dustin Hoffman agrees with Cthulhu's advice. (click to show/hide)

cow, what I'm saying is there's no object standard on looks.  Everyone is good looking to someone.  With the caveat for utter grotesquery of course.  And just because someone is attracted to something doesn't mean they should be.

Well, you could have just said beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

That would be trite and lame.  And you sounded kinda snotty.

[smokingwreckage]

Talk to girls. SUcceed in being funny. Flirt a little.

Heh, heh, heh. Good luck pal.

[IndonesiaWarMinister]

Nah.

Grow beard.
Take an Ak-47.
Girls flock unto you.

[cowofdoom78963]

cow, what I'm saying is there's no object standard on looks.  Everyone is good looking to someone.  With the caveat for utter grotesquery of course.  And just because someone is attracted to something doesn't mean they should be.

Well, you could have just said beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

That would be trite and lame.  And you sounded kinda snotty.

Bateau! Regardless of how haughty I am, there prevails no extremity being as to be so impertinent. Not only that but I am all in all intoning indigenous to a cosseted embonpoint.

[x2yzh9]

yesh well i haz ausperger syndrome, i did like to emphasize i could fecate burgers and eat them to survive[hint hint, assburgers syndrome ^^] (yes, if you call me an asspie i dont fucking care) On that note, i have a hard time coming up with original stuff to say to girls and sometimes we don't really.. have a conversation, because i don't do a lot of stuff. Herm. Not completely bad, went to physical therapy for it and ive went to mental therapy before.

[Idiom]

A lot of this may seem very obvious or unnecessary, but you'd be surprised:
-HYGIENE
-Tidiness. Make a mental effort. Not OCD like, but if you look messier than the guy next to you, then do something.
-Humor is relative. Also, quoting something funny does not make you funny. Pick your battles with improv humor.
-Always give a shit. Even when you don't. Even the ugliest of guys can have a better relationship than a complete d***head.
-Always watch to see if she doesn't give a shit. If she's not interested in something, she's just not.
-It's supposed to be a mutually beneficial relationship. They will use you, and sometimes not even think they are.
-Pay for everything. The male is supposed to.
-Give her room in private matters. If you would consider something a moment to yourself or just for yourself, don't butt in.
...

ausperger syndrome

If you're being serious, you'll really need some luck. Rather than aiming for the funny/amusing niche, how about the quiet but helpful/sweet? You don't always need to use words.

i don't do a lot of stuff.

Get a physical hobby. Then you'll find that she doesn't give a rat's ass about what you do. Have some interest in what she does instead for conversation, and if you want an easy date try to wedge in with whatever she does at least once.

[Aqizzar]

Aspergers, yes.  Self-diagnosed I'm sure.  Explains the whole "asking dating advice from The Internet" thing.

[cowofdoom78963]

Aspergers, yes.  Self-diagnosed I'm sure.

It is a parable to me where an entity would obtain a craving for Aspergers.

[Cthulhu]

My good man, I'm of the belief that one would do well not to attempt verboseness if one does not possess the faculties of grammar to perform in an exemplary fashion.

With all due respect, of course.

On topic.

yesh well i haz ausperger syndrome,

I at first I was all 

But then, I lol'd.

[Cheeetar]

If you're going into 7th grade, then you don't need a girlfriend. Wait until you're older.

[x2yzh9]

Aspergers, yes.  Self-diagnosed I'm sure.  Explains the whole "asking dating advice from The Internet" thing.

You know, stop assuming things for your fucking self. I went to childrens hospital for it, me and my older brother were diagnosed for it. Right now i'm quite angry, i may have taken it the wrong way, and if so, i'm sorry. But if you meant 'diagnosed yourself while your really not' then YOU DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW ME. i'm truly sorry if i've just taken it the wrong way, but if i havn't, then i don't need to justify the above stuff.

On a side note, i do it from the internet because
(1) If you put the title like that into a post your sure to get a shitload of replys
(2) I feel akward talking about it IRL
(3) I feel like it

Rant over.

[x2yzh9]

My good man, I'm of the belief that one would do well not to attempt verboseness if one does not possess the faculties of grammar to perform in an exemplary fashion.

With all due respect, of course.

On topic.

yesh well i haz ausperger syndrome,

I at first I was all 

But then, I lol'd.

what did you lawl over?

If you're going into 7th grade, then you don't need a girlfriend. Wait until you're older.

No.

[Aqizzar]

You are correct, that is what I assumed.  I was wrong.

Sorry dude.

[Footkerchief]

yesh well i haz ausperger syndrome, i did like to emphasize i could fecate burgers and eat them to survive[hint hint, assburgers syndrome ^^] (yes, if you call me an asspie i dont fucking care) On that note, i have a hard time coming up with original stuff to say to girls and sometimes we don't really.. have a conversation, because i don't do a lot of stuff. Herm. Not completely bad, went to physical therapy for it and ive went to mental therapy before.

Physical therapy?  For Aspergers?

Anyway, even if you can't hold a conversation yet, you can still try to be a good listener.  That means finding someone more talkative than yourself and letting them know that you're paying attention.  It helps if you actually care about the person, but you'll pick up some social skills regardless.

Also, yeah, I never met anyone who had a successful relationship in middle school.  If you even learn to talk to girls, you should be proud.  I was still a clueless loser freak when I started high school but everything worked out fine.

For reference, I was homeschooled until 7th grade, which as far as I can tell is kind of like having Aspergers.