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[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs SalmonGod*

[Spehss _]

shiiiit I'm so tired of physics and calculus. Haven't finished either assignment. Not making any real progress. Working on it frustrates me to the point of wanting to scream. Not working on it stresses me out because I need to get this shit done by Monday.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs Spehss_, points to Math Help Thread.*

[Xantalos]

great my clean gi outfit got put back in the wash now I can't make it to karate today. Could've really used that. Helps my mental state to just go there and excersise until I can't think straight.

With the stuff that's been going on the last few days I could've really used that

[Itnetlolor]

I just recently learned my cat has died. Based on the looks of things, he died from a fight; probably protecting the other cats. Had to bury him not long ago.

You will be missed, Mouse.

[Parsely]

I just recently learned my cat has died. Based on the looks of things, he died from a fight; probably protecting the other cats. Had to bury him not long ago.

You will be missed, Mouse.

Same thing happened to me a couple months ago. :c

[Xantalos]

Fuuuuuuuuck me this is complicated.
Well. Not exactly complicated but tricky as fuck. The situation seems balanced on a fucking hair pin right now and it's really really difficult for me not to say what I really want to say. But I can't it'd fuck up the entire scenario even more. If there were ever a definition of 'not the time' this would be it.
But there's the faintest chance that if I keep my peace and say the right things and chance goes my way it could end up in a good way. It's gonna be over soon hopefully in any case. I fucking hope so, the level of stress I've been accruing is such that the other day I literally broke my skin by clenching my fist that hard.

Hghygotsjuyrbi

[Yoink]

Fuuuuuuuuck me this is complicated.
Well. Not exactly complicated but tricky as fuck. The situation seems balanced on a fucking hair pin right now and it's really really difficult for me not to say what I really want to say. But I can't it'd fuck up the entire scenario even more. If there were ever a definition of 'not the time' this would be it.
But there's the faintest chance that if I keep my peace and say the right things and chance goes my way it could end up in a good way. It's gonna be over soon hopefully in any case. I fucking hope so, the level of stress I've been accruing is such that the other day I literally broke my skin by clenching my fist that hard.

Hghygotsjuyrbi

This sounds terrifying... good luck.

My main current sad is that my microwave broke.

[Xantalos]

It's not terrifying - well, can be, but it's not physically threatening to me.
Just ... fuck. I don't like it.

EDIT: fuck me it's worse than it's ever been. I've had an apple to eat today, that's it, yet I'm not hungry. I find myself constantly searching for distractions in order for the thoughts not to wear through my mind and shatter the facade of stability I'm holding up. I can't even go to sleep because they'll come back if I get off the internet. The moment I have free thought it comes and eats away at my peace of mind. It's even starting to express itself physically - not physically hurting through emotional pain, I've had that going on for a while - but I can't stop my fists from clenching sometimes, or I exert far more force than I need to in some tasks. Involuntary, of course. I've been holding cans of chips and accidentally crushed them - I'm just glad I haven't been holding any plastic bottles of juice or anything like that. But people are going to notice sooner or later if this keeps up, which it will until I do what I know will somewhat relieve the psychological pressure. I just ... I fuckijg can't. I should. But the situation is too delicate right now. I just have to hold out another week or two. I can do that, I swear I can. I hope. I'd wanted to keep this secret for many more months before I unboxed it - June seemed like a good time to do it. But the stress just escalated many times over and I can't take the strain of it much longer.
Just a little while. That's all I ask, mind. Just hold out a little while longer.

If there's any lesson you should take from this, it's don't keep secrets about things you feel very strongly about. Bottling it up leads to my scenario, where I was turned from a relatively psychologically stable person who was actually feeling good about themselves and the way life was proceeding into a fucking nervous wreck barely holding the facade of normality together by forcefully drowning my thoughts in fiction and distractions in the space of one sentence. So be honest about what you feel, 'cause this is not a desirable fate.
I'll survive, I know I will. This is but transitory. Doesn't stop it from hurting.

[sprinkled chariot]

Telling your crush, that you like her non euclidian angles and appreciate her ability to spread madness is still not an option?
( not blaming you, just from personal experience : not telling to romantic interests about having crush on them leaded to circle of despair with lots of And what if I did that? thoughts. While telling makes it easy.)

[Xantalos]

It ... is an option, but with the situation as it is currently I really don't think it would go over well.

Spoiler: details - really long and kinda reveals me as a pathetic stressed-out coward (click to show/hide)

So I've known her for almost 2 years now, been in love with her for about a year and two months. Haven't told her partially out of fear, partially to avoid this exact scenario that's occurring now.
She's had a boyfriend for 3.5 years now. So it's at that point where you start getting relationship troubles because of the stability and routine boring some people.
She's been friends with some other guy who happens to go to the university she does for around 5 months now, known him for a little longer than that. He confessed that he was attracted to her around 2 or 3 months ago. To be fair I have to give him credit, he had the balls to go and confess it.

Now then, she recently (as in 3 days ago) confessed to me that she's feeling incredibly conflicted because she's become attracted to him in return. Feels bored around her boyfriend, hot n' bothered around other guy, but still feels emotional attachment to boyfriend and all that. Classic relationship troubles at this stage, from what I've heard. Maybe not in the attraction to other people, but the boredom thing. Probably doesn't help that she's "dissatisfied" with certain physical parts of her relationship, if I'm not being too obtuse.

The confession fucked me up - I could barely think straight for several hours after that, which wasn't good as I was at work with her at the time and I ended up cutting my finger open on a piece of cardboard, when I managed to stop uncontrollably shaking and pacing and stuff. I managed to pull myself together eventually and give her some sort of advice (which is fucking rich given that I've never been in any sort of relationship) to basically have a talk with her significant other about the stagnancy that's cropped up in their relationship and all that. I didn't address the issue of the other guy very much because my bias would very easily be revealed and I don't want to get angry at all.

In subsequent talks with her about it, she's said that she doesn't really know how she feels about either her boyfriend or the other guy any more. Then of course she had to use the magic fucking phrase "I'm so glad I have you" or somesuch to that extent. She then suggested we just be single together or somesuch, which of course is a clear indicator that she most likely doesn't know of my attraction to her and desires the uncomplicated goodness of friendship or somesuch because the current situation is stressful for all parties that know about it. Which basically means me and her. She's evidently told a few of her other friends, but I doubt that any of them have the stake in this that I do.

The fucking thing about this is that I'm stuck between multiple potential courses of action. I could tell her about how I feel and make the situation even more goddamn complicated, but probably end up shut out of the situation even more if reality adheres to my pessimistic delusions. I know that if I'd told her it probably could've been me unintentionally tempting her away from her SO because she's subtly and blatantly and a few times unintentionally hinted that she'd be interested in me if she were single. Which again is one of the reasons I didn't, clusterfucks like this never turn out well.
Or I could play the waiting game and be the consoling friend for as long as it takes in the vain hope that she'll choose neither of them and then take my chances. Higher chance of not fucking the situation completely over, but also less chances that she'll actually develop anything in return because of fucking course not you dumb idiot she doesn't know how could she decide how she feels about something she's unaware of. And that keeps the stress piling onto me, which with this latest reveal has skyrocketed to the point where I'm starting to display physical tics at some points.

And the roiling emotions don't help either - anger and jealousy at the guy for daring to do what I didn't and say something and actually have that meet with results, desire to shatter his skull and crush his heart and such for daring to desire what I do, empathy with him because he's just another person much like myself who just happened to speak his mind and found himself in this scenario.

Near-comical amounts of longing for her, amplified only more because the inviolate wall I'd put in my mind of 'she loves her boyfriend and will never love you so don't even try' has been shattered thanks to actual evidence that it's possible to get her to be attracted to someone else. Massive amounts of anxiety. An undercurrent of resentment and paranoia, which I do my best to quash every time I feel it, to little success - I can feel it growing with every passing day.

I think I caught her lying to me today. Or rather lying about something else, but another detail she mentioned led me to think that she was lying to me then.
Yesterday when I was meeting with her she called him. The other guy. This is a big fucking deal, she never calls anyone and hates doing it, or so she's said in the past.

So there's this big ball of unjustified jealously and anger bouncing around inside me combined with paranoia, anxiety, the repressed feelings I've been hiding for more than a year now, and the stress of keeping all this shit secret while I try to help her through this fucking scenario and come to a decision that benefits her the most while resisting the urge to try to manipulate her against both the newcomer and her boyfriend for my benefit. Because I'm a fucking selfless person, and that backfires on me so fucking much it isn't even funny.

I have to find some sort of relief. I can't sleep and my appetite's gone down the drain, and if I don't constantly keep my thoughts occupied they inevitably turn to her and the situation and I start envisioning her with one or the other and both outcomes make me want to smash my furniture to kindling but I'm not sure if it's out of stress or genuine anger and I can't tell anyone because I promised to her that I'd keep it secret and I keep my fucking promises but I'm going to burst if this goes on much longer. I can't fuckijg ... I'm shaking even as I type this out.

This is why you don't repress your feelings, kids.

Fuck.

[scrdest]

Xan - I know this isn't useful most of the time, but seriously, tell her. You know already she's: a) not going to napalm all the bridges like they're Vietnamese kids based on guy B, b) already sorta interested, c) already has B as an option, so you wouldn't be tempting her away *harder*, as it's already status quo, if that was objectively a bad thing at all.

And on the other hand, *not* telling her is at best dishonest to both of you, and the longer you try to pretend you aren't, the bigger chance The Reveal will make everything you did before vaguely creepy and manipulative. And you probably know that, so the longer you wait, the scarier it will seem. That, and you will probably explode soon.

Just let her know how's the situation for you, and don't push.

[Kot]

details

I know this shit way too well. I hate myself even more because the girl I am in love didin't have an boyfriend back then and I only told her afterwards... whatever really, at this point I am more regretful about actually telling her because it was cowardice on my part (yeah, I totally knew it's the easier option) and resulted in a lot of shit for both me, her and everyone around. Fuck all of this love bullshit really, I didin't sign up for this.

[Xantalos]

Yeah, I've mostly concluded that I've got to do that before this shit festers any further. It's just a rather terrifying prospect and I'm very good at delaying doing things I'm afraid of.
...
I know the time when I'm going to be able to do it in an appropriate context. My workplace doesn't deserve to hear things like that, though I mean that more as a disparaging thing.
...
Rrrgh. I have to. Didn't want to but will. There's already a bunch of shit I couldn't stop myself from doing that could be interpreted as slightly manipulative if presented in the wrong context.

I swear if I could travel back in time and suplex the guy my mom married into nonexistence before she even met him I'd do it in a heartbeat, because the unnecessarily low self-confidence and opinion of myself that got beaten into me as a result of that situation has fucked up at least 70% of the friendships I had at one point or another.

[TheBiggerFish]

...
Good luck.

I have no advice to offer, but good luck, okay?

And if it all goes pear-shaped, we're all still here.