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[Doomblade187]

So, another week wasted. The system is not working today, ask another appointment and come another day....

It took me three weeks of sleepless nights and almost getting my ass fired again to get a single miserable appointment with the clogged up webpage they put it cobbled together with crappy code and crappier servers, which only works from 6 pm to 6 am... all in vain...

I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.

You can do this, Baal. You're strong, and we're here to listen as you need it. And remember. You don't have to be strong here. We got you.

[Rose]

Also sad, Github apparently now has a thing on it suggesting you should be using the Edge browser.

To be perfectly fair, I get the same crap from google when I use edge to visit literally any of their pages.

[martinuzz]

So, another week wasted. The system is not working today, ask another appointment and come another day....

It took me three weeks of sleepless nights and almost getting my ass fired again to get a single miserable appointment with the clogged up webpage they put it cobbled together with crappy code and crappier servers, which only works from 6 pm to 6 am... all in vain...

I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.

Not sure which country you wish to get a visum for. If it's Colombia, better pick another country. As far as I have understood from the news articles I read in my newspaper, Colombia has stopped giving out visa to Venezuelans because they can no longer cope with the influx of refugees.

[Yoink]

Now, I never watched more than a handful of TotalBiscuit's videos, and I don't think they were of games I ever actually had the chance or the interest to play (apart from maybe some tabletop campaign vid he was part of?) but his curator account is (still?) at the top of the list on Steam.
That's... rather moving.
Kind of like a very strange, organically-occurring memorial in the digital age.

I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.

Oh damn, that sounds aggravating in the extreme - I can only imagine how annoying it would be if using the website was so important.
That would drive most folks to despair for sure, but not you, Baal. You'll get it sorted soon, I'm sure!   

[MrRoboto75]

Yes, family, I know I'm useless.  Stop reminding me every day.

Yes, family, I know I'm supposed to have a life plan.  I don't know what I'm doing next week, much less 10 years.  Stop reminding me every day.

Meanwhile therapist and co threaten to hospitalize me every visit now.  Because chaining me to a bed and footing me the bill involuntarily is totally going to fix anything at all.  You only want me alive to pay taxes and debts anyway, yet not give me a job to actually do that.

[Rolan7]

Since my family is currently making me feel useless/assholish, even though I theoretically know I'm not, I'd like to suggest (as a theory):  You're not actually useless?

It's one thing to worry about your situation, it's another to let people guilt you into stuff because you don't currently have your week or future absolutely planned out.  Everybody's winging it to some degree.

Fuck, though, I don't know what to say about the end.  Fear of involuntary hospitalization has kept me from getting professional help, and is still half the reason.  I'm sorry you have to hear that from them.
And sorry, I know this reply is largely projection.  I mean... empathy!

[MrRoboto75]

I am useless.  Literally no one will hire me.  Those that do quickly realize its a mistake.  Doesn't matter how much effort I put into it.  They'll learn to hate me and cut away my wages and hours until its time to fire me for good.

At this point its not even that I have a plan, its that I don't have any ambition.  I don't even have a basic direction nor do I even want all that much anymore.  My hope and dreams burned in a dumpster a long time ago.  You'd think my degree would do something about that but the entire thing was just a mistake.  Plans don't last 10 minutes n the battlefield anyhow.

Meanwhile my therapist alternates between complaining about how I don't follow what she tells me (either I don't have the money or it wouldn't help), or how she's waiting patiently for my meds to do anything at all.  My psychiatrist takes 50 bucks to have a 10 minute chat and bump my dosage a tiny amount.  He lives on the assumption that I enjoy cutting tiny pills.

[Dunamisdeos]

@Roboto

Now, I don't want to sound presumptuous, and maybe none of this will be applicable to you at all. But, without knowing the details of your obviously difficult situation, and not knowing what specific effects your condition entails, and with the clear understanding that whatever psychological condition you are going through is real, and difficult, and undoubtedly not your own fault:
 

Spoiler: A wall of text (click to show/hide)

If a person without a psychological difficulty or other overarching medical condition came to me with those problems, I would point out that meeting the minimum requirements on one's job description is almost always enough to keep one's job, regardless of a lack of ambition or enthusiasm. If one is having difficulty keeping a job, and it feels like there's too much going on or it's too difficult to balance the social aspects of one's position against job duties, I would advise to look at the written requirements for the job and begin by treating it as a checklist. Treat this as a bare minimum baseline, and come to an understanding with yourself that this bare minimum is sufficient, and that only meeting this baseline does not constitute a failure to thrive in the workplace.
 
I'm basing this off my own office job as a supervisor. If we had a person who came to us and said that they were dealing with significant difficulty outside of the workplace and they wanted to focus on what was specifically required of them here and only that, my superiors would be pleased to hear that level of thought going into it. In fact, we DO have people here who frankly have um, very little in the way of friends among coworkers shall we say, but they do what they have to consistently and they get respect for that. If that's not enough for your bosses, then they are the problem.
 
I'm speaking as a supervisor in an office setting and I am completely ignorant of your situation so I just want to offer some workplace-related encouragement and maybe advice, and I want to stress that I'm not trying to put any blame on you whatsoever, no hidden meaning or insinuations here, just advice, however helpful/unhelpful.
 
If you want to pick the brain of a dude whose been a supervisor for a good while, maybe to get an idea of what ridiculous thought processes are motivating one of your own work supervisors, send me a PM. I also struggle with self-flagellation when something goes wrong here, even if I'm not sure it even involves me, so maybe I could relate.

[MrRoboto75]

Its bottom of the line retail bullshit.  Meeting the baseline just means a higher baseline next time.  Exceeding the baseline helps the boss and his ability to stroke his boss.  If you can't or won't do it, they will find someone who will.  Its skill-less labor, they won't care about worker turnaround.

The first time they wanted someone to prattle off to every single customer about a worthless loyalty program.  Oh but they treat every No as if you never spoke to them at all.  Almost every customer said No, and the idiots that do have one blame me for the fact that they got nothing for doing so.  Never mind that half the customer base literally cannot apply for it, either because they cannot speak english, or they're so ancient they have little-to-no grasp of what e-mail is.  So they'll just find another high-school bloke to do it.

The customers themselves were constant assholes, always judging me for every little thing wrong with the store or my appearance or what prices were going on.  And price tags were always wrong in that store, it's my fault even though I was never assigned duty to change them nor arrange planograms.

Meanwhile in fast food world they are constantly complaining to me about consistency to franchise standards.  Literal exact amounts of peperoni on pizza in an exact pattern, with a precise amount of cheese and a precise amount of sauce.  And they wanted it a minute ago.  Every last atom of ingredients is sacred, any insignificant amount of waste is lost pennies and grounds for discipline.  The heads would constantly yell at me for pizzas having the wrong amount of ingredients.  Every attempt at compensation was also met with complaints, only this time for the opposite reason.  What was too much is now too little, or vice versa.  Again, skill-less labor so its easier to just replace.

Why bother caring about psychology when there is short term profits to be made.  Labor is just a resource to be exploited like any other.  America.

Meanwhile nearly every office job I applied to just gives me the cold shoulder.  Even putting paper in cabinets calls for decades of experience.  Temp agencies find it more cost efficient to burn my resume to heat the office than actually hire me out.  The state labor placement offered me one job after about seven months of waiting.  Good thing I can't default on those student loans.

I'm honestly not convinced any job I could get isn't a dead end.  Nobody wants to train, nobody want to promote, nobody wants to pay anyone.  Actually excelling at work just results in carrying more duties and responsibility for no reward.  All the reward goes to the people above you.  Most of the labor market is basically dead either because of literal robots or because the work ethic is that toxic.  And they want me to pretend its still 1970 or whatever and the American Dream wasn't thrown off the pier with cement shoes before I was born.

[Dunamisdeos]

@Roboto

I understand that, definitely. I did restaurant-ing to the point where I was working 72 hours a week, and I worked retail for a while and hated every damn second of it because it famously relies on being extremely exploitative of its employees to turn profit. I was a delivery guy for a Chinese place, where the owner called me a coward to my face because I wouldn't deliver for him in the middle of a hurricane (winds were well up past 100, 5 people in town were already dead at time of demand).

Now this might seem ridiculous, but have you considered a call center? That's what I do. Before I was here, I was a dishwasher working part-time, unable to find a job that paid more even it had more hours. There is a lot of regulation, and getting complaints is literally part of the job, but I found it to be counter-intuitively easier to deal with. When I was being paid specifically to deal with it instead of it being part of an abusive system of exploitation as it was at other location, I found it almost empowering. It became a personal victory to handle a complaint successfully rather than an abuse, even if (especially if) a customer was rude.

Also, most call centers (not all) are willing to train and IME all will promote nearly exclusively out of their own ranks, since being a supervisor requires exquisite knowledge of the office procedure at that specific location. I would recommend an airline as the ideal in terms of consistency, comparative stress to other call centers, and pay. I'd put a package delivery call center (that's me) such as FedEx, UPS, Lasership, BUT NOT USPS one below that. I would avoid a call center that makes outbound calls or is involves in finance, such as a bank or collections.

Our hiring criteria is having any customer service skill whatsoever (my retail experience was happily accepted) and no illegal drugs. That's about it.

[MrRoboto75]

In all honesty the damn phones are something I hated most about my jobs.  It sounded like people were trying to order pizza by mcguyvering a solo cup and a ball of string.  I've had to ask people multiple times for their credit numbers simply because I can barely hear them and the entry needs to be perfect.  I think text messaging was invented solely because we couldn't make phones sound any better.

I think a good portion of why I can't hold a job (or anything life related really) because I have little to no people skills.  Part of my issues earlier is because no one can hear me half the time.  My job was three times more draining because I had to say the exact same question three times more.  And in all honesty I question why I still try to put in the effort to even understand humanity these days.

[LordBaal]

Mr. Roboto there are jobs were people skills aren't required. Also, do you have any talent on the hobby, artisanship (is that a word?) side of things? Maybe, just maybe you are meant to work for youself instead of others?

I know it's hard but perhaps achieving that might give you the boost you need. One of my colleage pals hasn't make squak with the tittle, instead she's makig tons of money doing fingernails (painting and such).

On a diferent story, I'm staring the sleepless nights again tonight. I think bettween hours waiting for a bus, working, helping around the house, taking care of peter while the wife do stuff too, and spending all night clicking refresh on a stupid goverment website I'm sleeping less than 4 hours average. Sometimes as little as one and at least in two opportunities I has stayed awake 48 hours straight.

This has been going on for a month now, weirdly enough now when I sleep only 4 hours I feel like it was a whole nigth, so maybe is not all that bad. I consider this to be a good thing I guess. The only downside is that I get sleepy relatively quickly again.

The bad side is that I look like crap. Like really, really bad.

The ugly side is that a few nights ago I might have hallucinated about a weird dog like creature in the living room while fully awake, or at least think it migth be that, maybe I feel asleep for a few seconds and didn't noticed.

It wasn't scary or anything, I saw it under the table but didn't scared me, it looked like a dog, just that when I snaped out of it I realized it's shape or parts dind't made much sense. It was 4 am so I took a cold shower and went to work early.

I haven't told my wife nor this have happened againg, I looked up is relatively normal for people to hallucinate when deprived of sleep. I just need to find a balance so it doesn't happen again.

Oh also peter has a cold and awakes every half hours or so sneezing or with his nose clogged up with boogers.

Wow that was extensive.

[hector13]

Yeah sleep deprivation is not good.

I can only hope your situation improves, man. Good luck in getting out.

[Hanslanda]

Spoiler: Please don't quote this (click to show/hide)

Sometimes when I'm depressed like this, I start feeling homicidal. Like, wanting to hunt strangers. Tis fairly terrifying, especially cuz I told my doctor and she pretty much ignored me.

[LordBaal]

Those kind of random thoughts are semi normal I think, specially on depressive states Hans.... perhaps that's why she ignored it, or she could think it's just an attention call? Or maybe she didn't want to put much emphasis on it for the sake of not giving it importance. You shouldn't either, unless you really feel the urge on following those thought, in case simply don't and be clearer with your therapist that you are having such impulses on a strong way.