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[Magistrum]

That rapist deserved to get bludgeoned to death.

Granted, i did not know he was a rapist when I started, but still, he had it coming.

[methylatedspirit]

While thinking about the events of the last week or so, I thought of something that saddened me:

Your desire to be self-sacrificing is because you believe that you are in immense social debt with everyone you interact with.

Which then simplifies to:

You want to do things for others because you think that you're not "good enough" otherwise.

With extra context, that simplifies to:

You do things for others because you want to feel like you belong.

At that point, I realized something-- why would I believe that? How is this supposed to work, when I also believe that I don't owe strangers anything, and that strangers don't owe me anything either? Which then made me realize I'm still bitter about events from three years ago. I can't deny them, that was still me, but that feeling of guilt... it's inescapable. I fucked up, and I need to make amends.  Seems to be a recurring theme, and I'm certain that I'm annoying you all by bringing up the same thing, over and over. I won't speak on this again if you tell me to stop.

This notion of "social debt", as I've decided to call it, is clearly working to some extent. I've managed to not alienate people, hopefully, but I still think that at any moment, I could end up repeating that same incident. I'm still assuming that I'm on the edge of getting cut off, like some kind of bank account that can only be right above the overdraft limit or millions of dollars below it. It's strange that the thing that might make me worth something in this world has such self-serving and selfish roots. I don't know how to cope with something that contradictory. I can't make heads or tails of the point I'm trying to make. I'm searching for an exact solution to the underlying problem, but I'm stubbornly refusing to accept that most problems are outright unsolvable, like the wannabe mathematician I am.

[dragdeler]

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[dragdeler]

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[methylatedspirit]

[FIRST PARAGRAPH REDACTED: PERSONAL INFORMATION]

With that out of the way, while that incident involved me breaking religous conventions, what with declaring myself to be atheist and shit, I honestly think that was a microcosm of my complete lack of self-awareness. I only developed self-awareness pretty much right after I realized how much I fucked up. I just kept barging into social situations, even after they told me to just stop. I never had anything meaningful to say, to contribute to the conversation. Tracing a path through social space during that time would reveal one that looks like a blind man driving a bumper car.

dragdeler, you previously talked about a particularly annoying friend of yours. I look at that person, and I'm horrified. That friend is the exact opposite of who I want to be.

[Kagus]

I just kept barging into social situations, even after they told me to just stop. I never had anything meaningful to say, to contribute to the conversation. Tracing a path through social space during that time would reveal one that looks like a blind man driving a bumper car.

As an aside, alcohol lets you experience this all over again!

[LordBaal]

My last chemotherapy was several weeks ago... Or so I thought...

Fuck! I hope is just an error and if not then is something they can fix dude !

[dragdeler]

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[LordBaal]

methylatedspirit you shuld edit or delete that post unless ypu are 100% sure no one will know who you are.

[methylatedspirit]

Ah, good call. That post has been edited to omit personal information.

[scriver]

The people I get along the least with ate usually the people whose bad sides reminds me the most about my own bad sides and who I do not want to be.

[Jopax]

So you know when you mess something up due to your own lack of knowledge and it's not huge, you apologize and say you'll fix it as soon as you meet the person in question and that's it, now you know for next time. Except the person who pointed out the mistake can't leave it at that, no, they have to rub it in your face and call you an idiot while they're at it, oh and lets poke at your lack of socialisation while we're at it, because clearly you'd know all this stuff if you were more sociable. And then they wonder why you don't ask them for help more often, because it's a risk of this shit happening every goddamn time.

[WealthyRadish]

The people I get along the least with ate usually the people whose bad sides reminds me the most about my own bad sides and who I do not want to be.

A perfectly natural concern, but have you considered that they might have good reason to eat people like yourself?

[Yoink]

Was already feeling rather depressed, then looking at old family photos made me feel even worse somehow. Not even sure why. Like, "weird-looking kid grows up to become a fucking weirdo, more at 11". I dunno. No doubt the younger versions of my parents in those photos had some hopes and dreams for their hideously misshapen offspring, and whatever they were I'm sure I failed to deliver.


In other news I didn't clean, floss or rinse my teeth before bed and I am neglecting the shit out of various social and familial relationships. I still haven't bought a flight home, either.

[itisnotlogical]

I was starting to feel good about my cash savings, like I might have a decent amount of money and not immediately need to spend it for the first time in my life. Oops, just kidding, time for an emergency, fork it over idiot.

I don't know why I even insist on keeping my debit card on me. I'm just a middleman anyway; I'll be saving time if I let the grocery store and the landlord pass it between eachother as needed.