Something I've been considering while struggling to sleep without medication is that I'm not quite sure if the fact that I essentially emulate a "normal" (which is an ill-defined term) person is necessarily making me happier. It's led me to make great friendships with people, but I think there's something wrong with why I do it. I was hurt by this group of assholes in a previous (closest equivalent would be "middle") school, and now I believe that everyone is out to get me, just like those people did. I had to move schools because of these dickbags. Of course, I know now that, no, people aren't even remotely close to that mythologized model.
Thing is, though, it's becoming increasingly obvious that the lizard brain in me will not listen to evidence. It just won't. I could build houses out of the evidence that people do not, in fact, hate me. The moment there's a slight error, especially on my part, though, that fucking thing just proclaims to the heavens that the sky is falling. I know it's not. It's just a minor error, and people will forget it. I'm usually able to tune out the noise that thing generates, but trying to sleep... imagine if all the TVs in your house just suddenly turned on and tuned themselves to Alex Jones when you're trying to sleep, with all the conspiracies that guy spouts.
The signals the lizard brain produces are very characteristic. They're what I'm now calling "'please-don't-hurt-me' instincts". It's a scared and confused version of myself, one fearing that I'm going to be forcefully pushed out of social groups, to have others turn their backs on me, to be betrayed. They're a reflection of the trauma I experienced back in school, amplified so hard that they could be used against protesters.
I'm now finding it hard to completely reject its cries. Not because I think people are actually out to hurt me, no, but because I'm feeling some kind of sympathy. Look, as much as I try to distance myself from it, it's still me. Those instincts still guide me. You know why I don't touch politics threads? You know why I (almost) always adopt a conciliatory and deescalating tone in arguments (assuming I don't just die of embarrassment on the first sign of resistance)? You know why I try to be agreeable? I don't want people to hurt me. Pain adds and multiplies over and over in me. I've managed to at least resist small bits of pain, but outside that protected range, it just goes mad.
And that's why I'm mulling over why I do all of this. Why I subject myself to 100% load, day in, day out, running at speeds well past the limits of stability and teetering on the edge of madness. Supposedly, I do all of that, just so that I don't get hurt again. Isn't that victim-blaming? That's not right, isn't it? It's not my fault that the school-people were such unapologetic piles of shit. That's not within my control. I may have been socially-inept, but good people don't hurt you because of it.
But if that can't be accepted, what can? I don't want to do it out of spite; spite was the very reason that led me to being hurt. It's wrong. Kindness should not come from a place of hate. Especially if you're trying to reverse the hate that others have inflicted onto you. What now?
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 8573150 times)