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[IronyOwl]

"You need to get on the ball and take initiative...."  Holy shit, what? No, that's not what's going on. I haven't been there long, but I've been pulling 12 hour (from clock in to clock out) shifts for this person. I worked a 10 hour shift on my birthday for this person. Additionally, I had my own firm, and if I didn't do something, there was literally nobody else to do it and it didn't get done. Boss is not supervising/approving my work to send out/micromanaging the crap out of everything. It doesn't make sens that I'd go from being completely independent to lazy as heck. Something doesn't add up and it isn't me.

Maybe... he's telling you to ignore him and go over his head...? Or maybe he's got really weird personal tastes or something you need to figure out?

I don't see how anyone can get anything done in there ever otherwise. Have you asked anyone else how they function? Does the company have any records of actually doing things you could look at to see what apparently works?

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I'm sick and I currently have mostly lost my voice because of it. I can power through it enough to be understood, but it's frustrating. The weird thing is that my throat currently feels fine.

[Vector]

I've been experiencing depression recently to the point where it's changing my looks and I really can't even talk about it.

I'm writing about it here from a vague sort of sentiment that you're supposed to tell people when you're in pain, but there seems to be no purpose to it, other than cataloguing the experience of a troubled life.  I know that there's an endpoint to it, but I'm so far away--and though I could give up on my goals and abandon myself as I am, thus hurrying along to an anesthetized sort of happiness, I don't want to.

Anyway.  This is once again Vector reporting in from Melancholia.

[Bauglir]

though I could give up on my goals and abandon myself as I am, thus hurrying along to an anesthetized sort of happiness, I don't want to.

This. I keep feeling this. But gotta keep struggling. Gotta stay determined.

Also, apparently instead of the promised reduced loan payments each month, they'll actually increase. God damn it, my hopes of savings are yet again torpedoed. Baseline living expenses are now ~$1900 per month.

[Tiruin]

You aren't alone Vector, and while I'd agree on that part going along the cataloguing notion -hence why I'm not typing anything happening to me out here :/-there's one thing I learned about it.

Find the root of the problem. Attack it directly. Don't let it affect you--this doesn't mean grow apathetic to it.

If it's your past...Try finding solace in what is in the present or..see what's that part of the past that affects you from a third-party viewpoint.

...But technically, it's a bunch of sad-chemicals Shoo sadness!

[Vector]

Just now, it's everything.

An accurate description of my life, in general, would be that a monster has me gripped by the leg and persistently raises me in the air in order to beat me into the ground.  When I'm in the air I can see a little farther than some other people, and I can twist my body so that the impacts hurt less.  But I'm still being beat against the ground by a monster (chronic genetic depression running strong through both maternal and paternal lines).  That's the status quo and if the monster ever decided to quit it, I think I'd probably just lie down and die.

[Bauglir]

That sounds pretty nasty. Best thing I can say is, you seem like you're pretty good at being a Determinator. Probably through experience at needing to be.

EDIT: I should clarify maybe that I meant nasty to refer to the ground-beating, not the consequences thereof like the way it's contributed to your identity which, however painful it is to live through, sounds like the one you want to have and is one which I admire a lot.

[Pnx]

I've been experiencing depression recently to the point where it's changing my looks and I really can't even talk about it.

I'm writing about it here from a vague sort of sentiment that you're supposed to tell people when you're in pain, but there seems to be no purpose to it, other than cataloguing the experience of a troubled life.  I know that there's an endpoint to it, but I'm so far away--and though I could give up on my goals and abandon myself as I am, thus hurrying along to an anesthetized sort of happiness, I don't want to.

Anyway.  This is once again Vector reporting in from Melancholia.

It sometimes helped me to talk about it, or at least tell people about it when I've been going through crappy times. Mostly though for me it just stopped me worrying about whether or not I should tell people about what I'm going through.

[Vector]

The thing that really bothers me is that, objectively, I know I'm doing fantastically well.  I have friends who keep on going waaaaay out of their way to be nice to me, I have a great job and an awesome place to live, I'm a published author who is cited in a textbook at 23 and hobnobbing with professors in physics and literature as my personal friends and the possibilities are just about endless...

But I feel just as beaten-down as I did in high school or middle school or any preceding year, really, hopelessly wondering if being better at this one little thing would help people appreciate me any better.  And I can't even cry about it anymore.  It just is.

[Bauglir]

Sounds kind of like growing, building on yourself, and so on, is a more significant part of how you define yourself than what you've already accomplished. Where you're going is more important than where you are. And, probably, this is something that's been expected of you and, by this point, it's just such a standard part of your personality that changing it would feel like giving up what it means to be you, and besides that it would be disappointing to people just because it's unexpected, and you don't want that to happen because you care about some of the people in question.

And because at any given time you'll never be where you're going, because there's always more space to grow and more ideas and experiences to make part of Vector, you're unsatisfied. More than that, you expect that people aren't satisfied with you because if you know you aren't what you want to be yet, you surely can't be what they want you to be. There might or might not be people explicitly driving you on to be more and more than you are, but either way you feel like you have to keep on trying because if not, what else is there for you to do? What does it mean to be Vector when you're done?

Point is, focusing on what you have probably doesn't help because it's not really the problem. It's not what you want. As always, I'm not completely sure, but the struggle, the experience, of getting them sounds like it's core to something or other.

[Tiruin]

Erm..well, I could say from personal note that I don't think people gauge their appreciation of others like it's based on a tangible scale.

I appreciate people because of their personality, regardless of their looks and/or quirks. Everyone has a past or had something they don't want to show because of that idea, of getting hurt, to say bluntly.

I...may be missing the point (sorry) but whatever you do-be better or not- there's no standard most will hold you by. I guess it's the standard you're..holding yourself by? Err, just an opinion though.

Vector is innately likeable. I guess people around her there may have too many problems of their own to see it :v

[Steelmagic]

My room is too hot and i can't sleep. I have a ceiling fan but it makes a loud sort of grinding noise when i turn it on. I haven't slept well since April and I'm tired all day because i only get two hours of sleep.

[Vattic]

Brain, stop going places you don't want to go. I need my damned sleep!

And no, this isn't some horror film thingy. This is real life problems making my brain unhappy.

When I can't sleep because of intruding thoughts I agree they're important and promise myself that I'll think about it tomorrow. Works far better than telling myself not to think about it.

[The Scout]

About half of my games have been given to me by people in the DFC chat. I feel kinda bad about taking advantage of their generosity but they just keep giving me stuff.

[Truean]

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