I just hate myself. I think I just have fit too tightly into this miserable mold of my life, and anyone else placed into my shoes would've just killed themselves a long time ago and saved themselves the trouble.
Though really this is just one of my moods again, I'm going to sleep soon.
In recent news, I'm squaring and corning myself into an objective this time, something to aim my aimless life at, and that's to actually break out into a residence of my own. Though the idea is still scary, and I'm not sure what I'd do from there, it's the idea of adding arbitrary elements into my life to potentially give it meaning.
This is going to be an expensive endeavor, I'm looking for a possible roommate, but the idea of rooming with a stranger is terrifying. Just terrifying, but it's not like I have anyone else. Every person is just a new bundle of problems wrapped in flesh, and I know they have an inalienably greater right to personhood than I do. That's the painful part of even being in public, I know everyone else stands on a greater terrace than I do, just looking people in the eye feels dishonest on my part, like I'm simply pretending to be an equal in this terrible society.
I'm utterly disgusted with myself for telling my therapist that I wanted to kill myself, but it was just the simplest explanation for my feelings. I could have worded it better, something along the lines of just objectively feeling my life is worthless, and that such a life has no value in the world, and thus it doesn't matter whether I'm existing or not, and therefore I'd prefer to not exist. It's hard to articulate that into words though, when someone's speaking to you, and I didn't even think to properly write it down, when I WAS writing things down. Just disgusting, just insufferable, it's been biting at my conscience all week. I'll have to make reparations.
I'm off to bed now. I have work again tonight. It's a lonely and isolating job, like all other aspects of my life, but I guess someone has to do it.
You sound like me, dude. Similar manners of thinking at least.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. You want to improve your life, that's good. You already expect yourself to fail though, which will only hinder any effort to improve your life. You think you're worthless and going to fail no matter what you do, which just makes any effort on your part seem pointless/worthless/unhelpful/etc. When you do fail, it only reinforces your negative image of yourself, and makes you think that you will fail at whatever else you attempt to improve your life. This makes you feel even less enthusiastic or optimistic about improving your life. Which lowers your self image even more, because you think you're stuck in a rut and you can't do anything good to change it and you're a terrible worthless failure. Regardless of whether the rest of the world agrees that you're worthless or not, you're convincing yourself that your worthless and powerless.
You're basically hindering yourself. You're digging your own emotional ditch, and the cycle is just going to keep going unless you stop digging.
But you
do want to make changes, otherwise you wouldn't feel sad about it or take the time and effort to make a post about it on a forum on the internet. That's good. You still have some will to live, at least.
So, uh, yeah. You're not completely hopeless. Go try and change your life like you want it to be. Whether or not it works like you want it to, you're still trying. Whether you're trying or not, you at least
want to try. Feel good about that at least. It could be worse.
Hopefully I'm not sticking my foot in my mouth and completely missing the mark or something with this post, I'm trying to help. I've thought like what you described, and it sucks. No one deserves that.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 8636491 times)