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[TheBiggerFish]

Hey.

*hugs*

Welcome back.

[Solifuge]

Brother called to tell me that my Grandpa passed away today, a few hours ago. It's my Grandma's birthday today, and my folks were there. I wasn't, but I'd seen him not long ago. He'd had his 4th or 5th stroke, and wasn't doing well; was in a lot of pain, couldn't stand, lost most of the rest of his ability to speak... I know he wasn't enjoying his life. In a way, I'm glad. He's not suffering anymore.

When I was a kid, I saw him every other weekend; more often than I saw my birth Dad. He was a kind, clever, compassionate, forward-thinking, and resourceful person. When he didn't know how to do something, he'd teach himself... and he'd always keep trying new things. He collected instruments and songs from around the world, when he travelled. He was a good listener, a prankster, a gardener, a tinkerer, a pilot, a storyteller, a giver, an explorer, and a fighter for peace. He's always been important to me, and there's a lots of ways I tried to model myself after him. He got me into art, music, programming... so many of the things I do today are all because of him.

Last thing I said to him, before I left the last time, was that I loved him. And it was weak, but he said he loved me too. He lost most of his words after his injuries, but not those ones. He never lost those.

I miss him.

[Sirus]

Man, that's rough

Sorry about that.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs Solifuge*
I'm sorry for your loss.

[SalmonGod]

Your grandfather sounds like he was a great person, Soli.

[Cptn Kaladin Anrizlokum]

I'm so tired.

Spoiler: Long rant about my problems (click to show/hide)

My current Doctor is putting my health at risk by prescribing dangerous medications when there are better options, but he refuses to listen to me and going off the medications would be significantly worse for my short term health. This is the 4th Doctor I've gone to for this stuff, so it's not like it would be easy to just find a better one.
I'm trying to get in to see a specialist, but that takes forever and I've been waiting for ages. I also can't convince him to perscribe me antidepressants, so I'm going to a separate person to get those and I still haven't been able to find ones that work.

I can barely get out of the house, if fact I have trouble even standing up at the moment, and even if I do I need to carry bottles of nutrient mix or I might pass out. My body is noticeably decaying and I've lost the ability to heal from minor injuries. And on top of that I need to get a job because currently I'm broke and stuck at home with my abusive parents who won't even acknowledge that there is anything wrong with me right now.

I should also probably be seeing a therapist for my C-PTSD, executive dysfunction disorder, anxiety, depression, and possibly autism and AVPD. And maybe some other mental illnesses too, who knows. But ha, why would I be able to do that.
And also I should do something about my extreme dysphoria at some point. That would be nice.

I've also been through one abusive relationship and at least 5 toxic friendships in the last few years. So that's been fun.

[TheBiggerFish]

...

*hugs*

*muchly*

Just...good luck and please don't die.

[Cptn Kaladin Anrizlokum]

Just...good luck and please don't die.

Yeah, that's the plan. :/

[Solifuge]

I'm so tired.

Spoiler: Long rant about my problems (click to show/hide)

My current Doctor is putting my health at risk by prescribing dangerous medications when there are better options, but he refuses to listen to me and going off the medications would be significantly worse for my short term health. This is the 4th Doctor I've gone to for this stuff, so it's not like it would be easy to just find a better one.
I'm trying to get in to see a specialist, but that takes forever and I've been waiting for ages. I also can't convince him to perscribe me antidepressants, so I'm going to a separate person to get those and I still haven't been able to find ones that work.

I can barely get out of the house, if fact I have trouble even standing up at the moment, and even if I do I need to carry bottles of nutrient mix or I might pass out. My body is noticeably decaying and I've lost the ability to heal from minor injuries. And on top of that I need to get a job because currently I'm broke and stuck at home with my abusive parents who won't even acknowledge that there is anything wrong with me right now.

I should also probably be seeing a therapist for my C-PTSD, executive dysfunction disorder, anxiety, depression, and possibly autism and AVPD. And maybe some other mental illnesses too, who knows. But ha, why would I be able to do that.
And also I should do something about my extreme dysphoria at some point. That would be nice.

I've also been through one abusive relationship and at least 5 toxic friendships in the last few years. So that's been fun.

I'm really sorry that this is something you've got to deal with. Keep going, though.

If it feels overwhelming, sometimes you can use lists like that to prioritize. Pick the most vital things first, then the lowest-hanging fruit among those. When you've got spare energy at the end of the day, try to find a way to solve that issue, or change the circumstances creating it. It sounds like a lot of this is being at the mercy of forces outside yourself... but if there are ways to mitigate those forces, or work around them, I really hope you can find them.

Here's wishing you strength, luck, and healing, here.


P.S. Thanks, guys. I do appreciate it. This is the 3rd close family member lost in roughly the last year... and the reality of it is still kinda filtering in. But it's also been a long time coming. Just getting tired of grieving.

[mastahcheese]

*Hugs Solifuge and Kaladin*

I'm one of those people who never really know what to say during bad times. I wish I were.

*Hugs*

[Shook]

Nyargh, it's times like these where i wish i had ANY kind of power so i could DO SOMETHING TO HELP. Alas, i am stuck being text on a monitor. I wish you the best of luck Kal, and i give you, Soli, my deepest condolences.

My own current sads is that i feel like i'm utterly wasting the few talents that i apparently do have. It's like... Well, extreme example here, but imagine that you had a supercar that you enjoy riding, but rarely ever use it. That's kinda silly, right? Now, i'm obviously no Einstein, Michaelangelo or Bugatti Veyron, but there's still SO MUCH i could be doing that i'm not doing. I'm not even sure if it's anxiety or laziness any more.

[birdy51]

If nothing else... Bear witness.

Sometimes, just being there to listen to another is enough.

[Truean]

Tired, but enduring. Others seem to avoid paying for their mistakes. I am charged costs despite doing what is asked.....

It has taken a toll on my health and my mind among other things.

I don't presume to know anymore. I'm tired of people thinking it is OK to take advantage of me and acting as if I am to blame when that doesn't work. I don't understand peoples' delusions and I am not currently healthy or patient enough to be able to care anymore. I am terribly tired.

I almost don't know how to relate to people anymore. I don't comprehend how they think and why many often mistake wanting a result means it can be won. There's something missing like logic and a plan..... I have no idea how to deal with the sheer amount of phony people I have seen. Nothing makes sense.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs Truean*

Can we help?

[Solifuge]

-snip because snip-

I know you're a good person, who does the right thing whenever possible, acts out of compassion, and fights a lot of difficult battles to do so. For every unscrupulous person willing to throw you under the bus, or take advantage of you... there are tens or twenties, or maybe even hundreds of people who have been touched by your efforts, directly or indirectly... and who deeply value what you do, and who you are.

I'm so sorry. Another thing I wish I could change, but know that I can't. I still want to remind you that you're an inspiration. You're quite a person. And you deserve good things.

If you can... get some rest. Spend time with the people who value you, and who you enjoy being with. Do some of the things that you like. Get through this fog, find your heart, and get yourself centered around it again. You'll get through this. Time doesn't make everything right, but it does a number on a lot of things.

Take care of yourself, and keep going. It will get better.