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[Arx]

I need to work on a commission, but my hands are freezing, I have a headache, my eyes hurt, and some weirdness with my fingertips makes holding the stylus painful. Somewhat unpleasant.

[Loud Whispers]

Odd. Today is one of the best and saddest days of my life. My grandparents said how proud they were of me for the first time, yet also talk of their mortality. I am enjoying a holiday for the first time since I was in school, yet someone is trying to use my bank account to pay their bills. I am meeting extended family I have not seen in far too long; family I have known all along my life have cut off all good relations with me. Perhaps on the smallest note of irony, my new laptop I brought with me for the sole purpose of helping one of my family write their CV to get a promotion broke from the transportation, and they cut off good relations. On the bright side I also saw a gaggle of monkeys eating bananas.
That I have gone too long without good sleep probably hasn't helped the sheer emotional confusion of what the hell has happened. But it has, and so it is :/

[hector13]

You're an immortal shitposter, you're not s'posed to have feelings and emotions! /s

For srs, hopefully a good rest will do you well, and you enjoy your holiday.

[Frumple]

Joy of finding out about an overnight stay <hour before have to go to keep geriatric old shit from trying to kill themselves on the road again. Feel like shit, hate driving, loathe night driving (which is why it's overnight because fuck that when there's a place to stay 'till morning), don't have time to get stuff together to be comfortable where we're going, general misery that will probably be worse come the morning. Jesus fuck but I wish my conscience could let these people drive alone right now. Or that any of the other people that's supposedly able to help do crap like this were around. Extra fun is going to be explaining I'll be waiting out in the car instead of going in, because I'm about half sure if I had to deal with a fraternal order type ceremony (or frankly any amount of people over about three, at most) right now someone would come out of it dead. Sucks to have to choose between sodding misery and making it somewhat less likely people die in a wreck, because gods know the only reason i'm  the better choice of driver right now is because the other option is a late 80s man with what's probably accelerating dementia. Neither of us should be fucking driving but it's me or he does it anyway. Damnit all. 20 minutes ago I was hoping to take a quick nap in hopes of feeling better.

[BorkBorkGoesTheCode]

Here's a list:

My habitual avoidance of ad-driven snoopy websites kept me from having a good conversation with Yoink about some music on YouTube he liked, which led to a long period of not talking to anyone here because reasons.

I have emotional depression caused by things below. Maybe have S.A.D. as well.

I have been living in the middle of nowhere for several years after moving away from my old neighborhood. This was caused by drama between my mom and some possibly crooked real estate developers who may have tried to increase business by stirring up bigotry. Thankfully my mom was able to organize the neighborhood against the bigotry. We moved because my parents had some land elsewhere and my mom didn't want us involved in heavy politics. Our new neighborhood has been kinda hostile to us, and us to it, so we have been kinda isolated.

I haven't been able to make friends.

Few people initiate friendly conversations with me anywhere.

I have no girlfriend and never had a sex life.

My grandmother died. She may have been poisoned, based on the symptoms she had. No autopsy has been done.

My dad has a weird abusive love-hate relationship with my mom and he favors right-wing talking heads. When I posted asking for help earlier in the year, I was unable to ask anyone else due to phone service at our house being disabled by our phone company for reasons I cannot confirm with certainty. Mom was his second choice; She had been subjected to rejection for her entire post-childhood life before meeting him, so she was vulnerable. She might have been dad's beard without knowing it. I dunno. She might leave him in three years.

I reported the conversation between DJ and shub-nullgurath, and possibly caused the reinforcement of their beliefs. I hope they weren't part of a group willing to lynch immigrants coming into Europe.

Finding a place to be happy has been difficult.

I cannot manufacture flying saucers and set up a homestead on a habitable planet within my lifetime. My grandfather can't either.

Bye. I'm going to ask Toady One to disable my account. Thank you for talking with me.

[hector13]

For what it's worth, I hope your shit improves, man.

[BlackHeartKabal]

Wow, that's... rough. I'm sorry, man. I hope things are better for you one day.

[BorkBorkGoesTheCode]

Thank you both. My lack of friends is mostly my own damn fault due to unrealistic expectations and my temperament, so it should be fixable.

[Truean]

Been there. To err is human. It's hard giving yourself permission to be human. I've had similar reactions. Fairly reasonable of you; we all beat ourselves up a bit sometimes. That said, careful please; you are a fairly decent human. (High praise from me).

If it helps, and I hope it does, I've seen useless, unworthy people, several.... I did excellent work for terrible people. I know them; you're unfamiliar. You aren't them.

Familiar pang. Older client's health declined. He got benefits, care, eventual guardianship, and DME, but not better.... Hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene. He lingered for a year and a half, but if nothing else the pain was controlled.

You cared, and care. That matters, immensely. It's difficult, exhausting at times, and can feel futile. Please never give up; not that you would, but others have. Good medical professionals who care are rare, and should be treasured.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I attempt inner balance while floating in humanity's ocean of emotions. It presents many opportunities for difficulty. I don't know.

[Frumple]

Not overnight. Passenger didn't bring meds, more or less had to come back. First time I've drove at night in, like. Year, year and a half? I've been avoiding it.

Avoiding it for a reason, which has since gotten worse. Head hurts, eyes hurt, muscles approaching sore for reasons, tremors acting up worse than usual. 'Bout fell down and/or dropped something, like. Maybe three times getting into the house? Drove about an hour mostly without being able to see more than two, three hundred feet ahead of the car except when brights were on, which caused its own problems. Intermittent blindness, because of course oncoming traffic fucks my eyes just as hard as it did. Even harder than it was to judge distances.

Turns out I've found a new way the mild hallucinations I wasn't bothered much with manifest. Apparently when your eye/brain connection's haywire state generally involves moving shit in your peripheral vision, you fucking see things off the side of the road when you're driving at night. also occasionally other places, hello dancing red lights in the middle of the road a ways ahead that weren't actually there. Which is extra bonus fun time when you're going down a twisty forest flanked road in deer country.

Also every speed felt like... 1.2x faster or something. Probably because I was effectively driving down a tunnel.

Felt like shit leaving. Feel like an entirely different sort of shit now. Still was safer than said passenger driving. Probably going to have to do it again at some point in the future. Going to try to convince other family members to not fucking do this to me again.

E: Ha ha ha. Sorta' have. Problem is scheduling. Can't help too much without knowing something's going to be happening. Fucking no shit problem is scheduling, if I had known myself more than ~45 minutes before we left none of that would have goddamn happened. I'm just going to stop for a few hours or days or something now.

[Tiruin]

Well wishes to you, Bork, and as a total aside--thank you for the PM out of nowhere. The sincerity of acting in doing, and being, and aiming with decency is worth a lot more even if it doesn't seem to be reacted to in the present, as another total aside.

Personally, while I've not had a happy place many years ago--there was always myself, personality and attitude-wise, alongside personal rationalization that is fully within one's personal area. Keep onwards, and take care Bork c:

ALSO, and this is late because of an edit: You don't need to PM for account deletion. You can just let it stay there :O Feelings and moods and whatnot--it'll still be there when you return (or you can make another one...if it does get deleted)

I attempt inner balance while floating in humanity's ocean of emotions. It presents many opportunities for difficulty. I don't know.

Inner balance is just ♥. In reflection, it helps a lot while also being difficult--but it is one's own difficulty and not anyone else's, so that leaves the matter of any contention aside. Cheers there buddy c: Thoughts, emotions, and feelings, are all interconnected at a very quick speed.

[BorkBorkGoesTheCode]

:Hug: Thank you.

[flabort]

I wish this thread weren't necessary, but it basically is, so may as well make use of it.

Ever since my little brother's passing, I've been having dreams where he's alive. They are almost more real than real life sometimes, and I find myself questioning reality. I've also been avoiding sleep, because sleeping means I'll have the dreams and I'll have to wake up, and waking up means that the dreams will have to end, and having the dreams end means facing the fact that they aren't real, which means being reminded every day that my bro isn't with me.

And even worse, now that the Switch is out, I've actually called out to him to come see stuff, before remembering that's he's been gone for over a year now.

I really need to schedule an appointment with the doctor to get my dosage of anti-represents upped, or at the very least get a referral letter for a shrink. I know I'll be mourning for my whole life, and always see reminders of him everywhere, but it's just so hard to function like this. Especially when the dreams have been increasing in intensity recently.

[martinuzz]

Mourning is a natural process. Seeing your dead loved ones isn't abnormal. I'd advise against using meds to cope with mourning, it will only disrupt the natural course of the process. Talking with a shrink about it though is a good idea. Having someone who can coach you through is helpful. I wouldn't trust any shrink that even slightly hints at using meds to cope with mourning though.

[martinuzz]

I know I'll be mourning for my whole life

You won't be. You'll remember him fondly the rest of your life, but that's not mourning. The mourning will pass, it takes some time, but trust that it will.

EDIT: oops, this was supposed to be an EDIT not a REPLY