Dorfy.
I think I recall Cracked.com doing a Legends Mode -- Bible Edition before.
Here are the articles I'm referring to:
9 Most Badass Bible Verses5 Superpowers from the Bible that Put Marvel and DC to ShameThe Holy Bible: A Book Review6 Raunchiest Most Depraved Sex Acts from the Bible (Your read that correctly)
((Caution: Big Religious Tangent; Partially spoilered to fit.))
...I still scratch my head why so few people read this book. It has EVERYTHING!!! It's our history! Well, from way back, but still.
Holy crap! If that doesn't catch anyone's interest in reading it (the Bible, that is)... Meh, I dunno. I just have to say our entire history in there is messed up.
Not to start any flame wars or anything, but I think too many people associate the Bible for the New Testament, and ONLY the New Testament (and zealots, and the twisted views from the media, and all negative news, etc.; I think people just don't want to believe there are powers beyond our control, and kick the "weak" into the ground.) Take a glance in there for some serious badasses.
Even Jesus Christ has to count somewhere along the line. His story MAKES the New Testament. Almost literally.
When he got mad, things got friggin' serious. Sure, he never sinned, but if he had an opportunity to teach a good lesson, he took it. One moment, when sailing, a squall suddenly came out of the blue, and was one of the worst during the season; his apostles were in a panic trying to keep the ship afloat. Christ, through all of this was asleep (considering his teachings, healings, constant meditation, and dealing with people all day everyday; I wouldn't blame him for sleeping through a storm). Of course, he was rudely awakened to learn of the ship's condition, as well as the storm not regressing. Miffed about what he heard, he gets out of the cabin, calls out to the sea and sky, and commands under the name of God to cease. It clears in moments. He turns to his apostles and tells them that that's all they really had to do, and that it wasn't necessary to wake him up.
Everybody (especially those that has a half-assed view about this guy) only assumes him to be consistently level-headed and kind to every single living thing in his path. His trek through the desert alone, he was surviving on faith alone; no food, no water, as well as having the Devil always bugging him with temptations and attacking his faith, and distracting his meditation (as preparation for his inevitable crucifixion). I can imagine how bothered he must have been by the end of the trip. I mean, after traveling the desert for 40 days on just about nothing at all, in order to recover (as a mortal man), he went to a nearby fig tree, only for it not to bear fruit. Pissed off, he condemned it to end it's life. It died right there. Upon leveling out, he used that as a lesson for his apostles as an example of the power of God. "Even faith, that like a mustard seed (Both size, and potential growth), can move mountains. Cast the mountain into the sea in God's name, and it shall then move.". More-or-less, that's essentially the message. Wow.
Let's not forget that as he was going to visit temples to pass along his teachings and tell parables; there was a marketplace built within them. Being a man of faith, you know this is an offense to God; especially when this is setup during the sabbath day (IE- Should be spent in prayer and rest). Even Christ himself knew where to draw the line in being friendly. SOME PEOPLE DON'T LEARN THAT WAY! The only way he could get across to the merchants and tax people was to thrash the market. Even if he had to do it all by himself. Let's not forget, this guy was a carpenter, so don't expect him to be weak either. You can image how much devastation he caused when doing so.
And last, but definitely not least; his crucifixion. During the time of his capture, one of the soldiers got his ear cut off by another's sword while attempting to subdue him. Before being completely taken into custody, he picked up the soldier's ear, and put it back on his head, said a short prayer, and fused it back onto the guy's head using spiral energy faith. Anyway, during his trial, he was constantly insulted, attacked, and being cursed at; furthermore, being insulted, as well as insulting God by mandating demanding him to prove God's existence and power and be rescued by His angels. Christ didn't do a thing, and continued taking the heat. After being juggled between different rulers as judges, he was consistently founded innocent. The nobles pharisees weren't pleased. So once more, they went back and demanded that he be crucified. Still, Christ didn't do or say anything in his defense. He then was beaten, and then scourged to within an inch of his life, and missing a decent chunk of flesh on his side, closely resembling ground meat. Just after that, he was then forced to wear a crown of thorns, and with big freaking spikes on them; being taunted as a king (Treated like a noble in much a dwarven manner). Then comes the long haul. While wearing a robe (reminder: he's severely wounded and scratched up by now), he's hauling a cross which weighs a freaking ton, miles across the city, and up a hill or small mountain. Due to catastrophic pain, he collapses 3 different times. The only help he gets is from a reluctant citizen ordered to help him out since he lacks the strength to make it the rest of the way on his own. Upon reaching the hill; he's then forced onto the cross, and nailed onto it with what seems to be nails the size of train spikes. Upon being raised up, it's only his weight now, only supported by 3 nails (one on each wrist, and one through his ankles). Over the course of the next 3 hours; he's praying as much as his will can hang on for, asking God (His father) why He's had to let this happen, why he's forsaken this. Upon nearing his end, (in a rather dorfy manner) he states that he's thirsty, and demands a drink, and is then given wine. By the end of his final hour, he states that his deed is done, and dies on the spot.
Following suit as he warned for some time before his trial, immediately after death, a great quake hit the land, and shattered the temple. What the public apparently easily forgot, is that upon death, Christ headed directly into Hell, and rescued many souls that were taken there (including one of the thieves that redeemed themselves before being executed alongside him) due to Heaven being locked, and by then has unlocked Heaven for all souls that follow the word of God to enter. Furthermore, his body disappeared from his grave. He ascended out of mortal existence, and lives once more, this time, as a pure spirit with a solid body; the scars of his execution remain, however. Missing chunk, holes in hands and feet, everything.
(If you want a less wordy version of this, see "The Passion of Christ". I know, I know... But of all renditions of telling this whole thing through film, it's the best one made. Best production quality and everything, and it doesn't stray off too much.)
Now here's where his next ultimate crowning moment will come. After the apocalypse arrives, Christ will return once more, and come back as a king of the world. This time, he's not returning as an innocent little child, but the king of all badasses; and he's returning for a one-on-one against the Antichrist. That's going to be like a main event battle. We will finally get to see this guy fight. If I'm not mistaken, Morul would look like a mere infant by comparison to Him.
I mean, the Old Testament is just freaking nuts. The New Testament is reminding us not to repeat history, and not get God mad. See Old Testament for reasons why.
God was essentially Armok in a past life according to that, by comparison. Since the New Testament, He's lightened up big time. But He still knows how to strike, and hard.
Catechism classes really pay off when knowing this kind of stuff. I just tire of the media's constant bastardizing of all religion. If you don't want to believe in something, fine; but you don't have to be such a dick about it. We have enough bullies as is. I'm certain every religion will have gotten tired of saying "I told you so" when the time comes.
Sorry about the rant; but you want the Ultimate Book of Legends for this world; The Bible is the answer. And if you can read the original Latin script, even better. There's still so much more in the Bible that we don't know, due to what has been banned by the Vatican. I can only imagine what must've either shocked, or terrified them.
My freaking goodness, the crap that people don't know, or are even aware of. Take too much lightly, sooner or later...
HORRORS! DEMONS IN THE DEEP!The world will be riddled with all sorts of Clowns.
The world's reaction: "Well... Carp."
EDIT:
And now my hands are tired.
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Topic: Legends mode... In real life. (err almost) (Read 1289 times)