What follows is a hour's worth of boredom, way too much spare time and Etherpad, featuring me as the narrator and Asheron as the female rouge. (Warning, contains explicit language and sex references.)
Etherpad is a super cool real-time typing tool. Check it out and support the developers!
http://etherpad.com/THE QUEST TO STEAL THE ULTIMATE SWAG!> START
Do you want to be a mage, warrior, or rouge?> Rouge.
Male or bejay-jay?> Bejay-yay
DAWM or meh?> DAWM
Tittays or beanstalk?> Lots of tittays.
How many?> Between 2 and over 9000
Good. Distribute your skill points or TYPE start. (It's in the manual, but you probably threw it out, fag)> Fuck you. Well, I put all of my skill points in charisma but one, which I put in yo momma jokes.
Start?> Not yet.
....now?> Wait for iiiit
> Wait for iiiit
> Start.
In the forest, cave, or village?> Village of New Hampshirehamtown
What the...? Erm. Okay, New Hampshirehamtown it is.> Spawn.
You are in a clearing, you see a deer.> I flash my tits at it.
Sorry, I was away for a se-holy shit. No.> Goddammit. Ok then, I approach it quietly.
You have no points in stealth, you cannot sneak. You can tell it of your yo mamma jokes, though.> Ok then. I charismatically stroll towards it and tell it a yo momma joke.
It runs away because it's a fuckin' deer. What did you expect to happen?> Something awesome. Ok then. I pursue the deer.
Due to having absolutely no points in athletics, you pass out after running 10 feet.> Wake up.
You wake up in a bed. A old man is looking expectantly at you.> Freak out.
You freak out and start screaming nonsensically. The old man tries to calm you down and asks what happened.> Tell him I got raped by a band of goblins.
The old man tells you : "But when I found you you still had all your clothes on."> The goblins are really really small.
Riiiight. The old man looks at you quizzically and leaves the room, facing you and muttering under his breath. You think he thinks you're crazy as hell.> Good. Inspect room.
You are lying on a bed made out of straw on the floor. The room is completely bare except for a window facing the south wall, and a completely empty wardrobe next to the only door, which is north.> Get up and look through the window.
You get up and look through the window. The village outside is nice and homely, full of laughing children and pink-faced adults. Just a small amount of snow blankets the ground outside, it is close to fall and the summer harvest was just completed. A party is about to start.> Ooh a party. Leave the room.
By which way, the door or the window?> If I can by the window, but I take the door would be quite a bit simpler.
Luckily the window is unlocked, and you quickly slide it open and.... [check] fall face first onto the ground. Up your athletics skill next time, douchebag.> I hate you narrator. Anyway, curse loudly ( loud enough so that the children hear me ). Use lots of "fucks" and "cunts".
You ironically start cursing like a sailor, although you're entirely unhurt and a ton of children are nearby. Their innocence is totally damaged by your loud cursing. 10 children become, [Teenagers]. Teenagers level up! The teenagers are stricken by puberty. > Converse with [Teenagers] about angst-y topics. Tell them about the phenomena of cutting.
Hahah, Stuck on You gets funnier every time. Er, right, they scatter.> Make my way towards the party.
*Sigh* okay. You walk carefully towards the party. The adults appraise you and determine that you are not of noble descent as you are wearing mostly peasant rags. The teenagers are off in a corner, whispering to each other.> Show off some cleavage.
You subtly adjust your shirt as to shirt as to show off maximum boobage without showing any nipples. The male teenagers are stricken by boner (3 turns.) your charisma goes up 3 points.> Try to get a free drink from the male teenagers.
With your super high charisma stat, plus your cleavage buff, the teenagers rush over each other to get you a drink. One is trampled over by the rushing crowd of adolescents.> Drink, I'm thirsty.
The teenagers are still fighting over each other to get to the drinks, and arguing who should present you with it.> Bloody teenagers. Ok then, I wait until I get a drink. I sigh constantly to express my impatience.
A man comes over to you, winking and attempting to use his suave personality. His girlfriend from across the er... plain, looks angrily at you.> Determine if his girlfriend is hot, possibly hotter than me?
Baby, nobody be hotter than you. Er, also, the teenagers are back. They give you (1) Dr. Pepper.> Give the teenager who gave me the Dr. Pepper a kiss on the cheek and start drinking.
The teenager you kiss has a heart attack and is rushed to the local church. You end up spilling doctor pepper all over your shirt. Your charisma goes up 2 points temporarily.> Start talking to the man if he is still next to me.
About what?> The size of his house.
You were going to type something different, weren't you?> Not at all. Now stop breaking the fourth wall.
The man looks at you expectantly for a fourth wall reference. Finding none, he says that is no bigger than the one you just crawled out of.> Ask the man if you can spend the night at his place.
He looks surprised and more than happy to let you spend the night with hi-erm, I mean in his house. His girlfriend comes over but the man shoves her away with the flat of his palm.> Give the girlfriend a dirty look and follow the man.
The man wants to stay at the party for a bit. It's only 2:00 pm, or 14:00 if you're savvy.> Start dancing then.
You dance for a few hours, avoiding the girlfriend and staying close to the man you were talking to. By the way, you never asked his name. It's now 7:00 and the man is looking tired.> Realize that neither of you know each others name.
"God dammit" you say to no-one in particular.> Ask the man if he wants to go to his place.
He does, and winks at you suggestively. He starts walking through the village away from the party. You follow him.> Check inventory.
You have a peasant's outfit, a copper dagger, a map of the sorrounding area and a book titled "How to kill, swordfighting techniques"> Ah. Keep following the man until I am at his place.
The party gets to the man's house. Although it is small, you can see from the outside windows that the man is in fact quite wealthy. His house is filled with silver and gold trinkets and wooden furniture of the highest quality. The man opens the door with his key and motions you inside.> Go inside.
You saunter into the man's house. You are in a main room. There is a bearskin rug on the floor, across from you is a fireplace with a buck's head mounted on the hearth. All around you are chairs and a couple of wardrobes filled with silver platters and other trinkets.> Wink at the man suggestively and ask him where his bedroom is.
You wink at the man suggestively and ask him where his bedroom is. The man grins widely, unable to conceal his total certanty (Dammit) that he's getting nookie tonight. He motions to a staircase to the east.> Go up the staircase... seductively.
You swagger your hips and stroke the staircase pole, slowly going up the staircase. You can see from here that it is a short hallway on the second floor with only two doors on your left side. The man follows closely behind.> Let the man open whatever door is the door to his bedroom to let you in.
You go to the top of the staircase and let the man brush past you. You feel him cop a feel. He walks past you and opens the door farthest from you and motions you inside.> Go inside.
You walk inside his bedroom. It's got a nice linen and wood bed and a wardrobe opposite you. There is another door to your right, presumably leading to the closet.> Tell the man to turn around. You have a surprise for him that he will quite like.
You tell THAT to the man. He slowly turns around....> Slowly step towards the man, making panting sounds. Then, at the last second, mercilessly plunge my copper dagger in to his neck.
In one smooth move, you take the copper dagger from your sheath and plunge it violently into the man's neck. You feel a small struggle, then his body goes limp, his eyes milky and seeing into space.> Pull your dagger out of his neck, smear the dagger clean on his clothes and put it back in to the sheath. Take his key, go downstairs and make sure the front door is locked.
You re-sheath your dagger, getting rid of the evidence first. You loot his body for the key, and go downstairs, close and lock the door.> Go back in to the bedroom and drag the man in to the hallway.
You do that I guess. (I'm not writing mundane descriptions for that if nothing happens.)> Ok. Go in to his bed and get some sleep. Killing is tiring work.
You climb into bed and sleep, not even bothering to clean your hands or un-cloth yourself. You dream of the man's terrified eyes as you kill him again and again. You wake up screaming. Judging by the light outside the bedroom window, it is morning.> What is this shit, am I not chaotic evil? Oh well. I go downstairs and search something to eat.
You were neutral bitch. You go downstairs and get a bowl of crispy rat chunks. They taste like SAAAATAAAAAAN> It's better than nothing. Find some kind of a backpack first.
You suppose the closet is the best place to look. You head upstairs and open the bedroom closet. You rummage around and manage to find a small backpack. It can hold about 40 pounds.> Search for the smallest but most expensive looking trinkets and put them in the backpack. Fill the backpack about half with them.
How long do you want to spend looking for trinkets? Your scrounge skill is dependent on the amount of swag you get per hour.> I have all day. Take a good look around.
You start looking for trinkets. You happen upon a cache of jewelry! You hear knocks at the door on two separate occasions. You filled the backpack to the top with gold and silver trinkets, you figure they worth about 1600 gold or so. Here I messed up, saying that Asheron fills the backpack to the top instead of halfway. Asheron didn't catch this either, and I just wanted to point this out. Asheron actually only has about 20 pounds of trinkets in his backpack, my bad. 
> Have a drink and then prepare to leave.
You have yourself a drink, quenching your thirst. You clean the blood off from before, and stuff two fully wrapped rations into your pockets, plus a waterskin (Filled, you can take 3 drinks from it). You remember to take the key, and step outside. You can tell it is getting close to night.> Lock the front door and have a look at the map of my surroundings.
You are in the village. There is a pawn shop, an armory, a general store and a small note next to the drawing of the tavern saying "Underground market". To the west and north is forest. To the east is a road leading god's knows where. To the south is a mountainous region.> Go to the pawn shop.
You head to the pawn shop, stopping on your way to torment some small children. (+3 evil) You get to the pawnshop and walk inside. The only person there is a lonely looking middle-aged man, cleaning a stool next to a stack of miscelannious furniture. Gah, I wish firefox spellchecked this shit.> Hehe. Ok, pawn him a few of the trinkets, but not all, I don't want to be suspicious. And he probably doesn't even have enough gold to buy everything I have.
Good call. You sell him a quarter of the trinkets, netting you 400 gold. The man doesn't manage to see you have more. (+3 sneak)> Thank him for your time and go to the tavern.
You walk to the tavern. You are standing outside. To your left is a long line of houses. To your right is a street corner. you can see there is a dark alleyway leading off the side of the tavern.> Peer in to the alleyway. My rogue sense is tingling. Also, save my progress.
> ... Saving don't turn off the power.
> File saved in to a PDF.
Er... yeah.
Asheron went to sleep like an hour ago, so we'll probably be doing this again tomorrow if the blizzard near my house doesn't knock out the power. Feel free to post suggestions and be nit-picky all you want, I guess.
OH! One more thing: Should this go in Other Games or General Discussion?
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Topic: Typing Quest!: The quest of a mysterious rogue to steal the ultimate swag! (Read 4908 times)