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Author Topic: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea - One Year Later  (Read 103801 times)

Aqizzar

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There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea - One Year Later
« on: May 11, 2010, 06:30:14 pm »

APRIL UPDATE: Been wondering how things turned out?  Check up with the anniversary.

DECEMBER UPDATE: In lieu of actually updating this frontpage with any of the references and developments that I suggested doing months ago, I'll just link to the major reason for reviving the thread.  Kudos, and good reading.



I hope everyone has already heard of this basic story, but in case you haven't: This oil rig owned by British Petroleum near Louisiana broke and sunk.  Eleven people died, God rest their oily souls.  But the big problem is the siphon snapped off, and now the wellhead is openly gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico.  Visible from space and all that.  Everyone's pointing fingers at exactly who is responsible - BP owns the hole, but the actual drilling and pumping was done by contractee Transocean Limited.

The problem with Transocean is they dug too greedily and too deep.  Literally.  Other countries require special shutoff valves for wellheads at 18000 feet depth, because engineering works a little differently that far down.  America decided not to require such measures, because $500,000 for auto-valves is too expensive.  New CEO Steven Newman paid himself considerably more than that last year.  But this isn't about bashing on corporate greed and malfeasance.

No, this is about offering solutions.  Because as we like to say on this forum, this is a rather dwarven problem.  And the solutions in practice are pretty dwarven to boot.  Even Transocean (or was it British Petroleum?) started sending open letters asking for suggested solutions.  And no, I'm not just making this thread because Colbert did it last night.  Maybe.  Anyway, here's the rundown.

Spill Cleanup Option 1 - The Birds and the Bees and the Turtles
Like any oil spill, there's lots of dead fish and black-faced wildlife and so forth washing up on the shore.  Several birds have been scrubbed.  Now, reclaiming the oil off that thieving wildlife is a slow and labor intensive process, but it's probably the biggest jobs program the Sunbelt has had in decades.  Luckily, it's not mutually exclusive with other options.

Spill Cleanup Option 2 - Gentler On Hands
The Dawn soap makers donated a bunch of chemicals to the cleaning effort, along with other companies, and are rushing chemistry experts to the area.  It works just like detergent, except more scientific.  That bit about turning oil into microbe food is a little disturbing.  They'll all feel pretty stupid when New Orleans is besieged by The Fifty Foot Plankton, like Cloverfield covered in Afro-Sheen.

Spill Cleanup Option 3 - Give Me Long Hair, Long Oily Hair
Apparently animal hair is really good at soaking up oil-like substances, without soaking up too much water in the process.  My shower and I have doubts about this process, but I'll play along.  So relief workers are stuffing human, dog, and alpaca hair into pantyhose, or anything else that happens to float and soak up crap.  At least we can get the oil back out, although throwing dog hair, nylon, and saltwater crude into a furnace has to produce the most God-awful smell ever released on mankind.  Which leads to...

Spill Cleanup Option 4 - Kill It With Fire?
Here's a sign when you're getting desperate, when the best option you have is when two Coast Guard captains look at each other, shrug shoulders, and go, "I dunno, burn it?"  I can't fault the logic, and I bet it looks pretty bitchin' to see the whole damn ocean catch on fire, but I'd still keep this option well down the list.

Oil Geyser Option 1 - Montgomery Burns Slant Drilling Company
British Petroleum's official plan is to siphon off the leaking head by drilling another well, presumably into the original shaft, to suckle the Earth's precious blood without all that environmental fuss.  Case For: The first well was a smashing success, surely the second will do even better.  Case Against: It'll take at least three months, probably longer given that BP sure isn't paid by the hour to fix this shit.  It's the ongoing long-term solution all the same, but it doesn't do anything about the spill for now.

Oil Geyser Option 2 - Pray For Peak Oil?
One option not commonly being discussed, which goes hand-in-hand with the 3+ month drilling project, is the possibility that the well will just run out of pressure and stop leaking.  There's only so much oil down there after all, and the water pressure is pretty high.  Why that hasn't happened yet, I don't know, but I guess it's squeezing the oil out like a pimple right now.  Anyway, twiddling our thumbs is always a good backup plan.

Oil Geyser Option 3 - Bunghole Plug DISREGARD WE SUCK OIL
Funny story.  BP came up with this great plan to drop a four-ton bucket on top of the wellhead, to college the gushing oil into ships without it going into the water.  Almost makes one wonder why they bother with the rigs if it's that easy.  And the same plan has worked on wellhead leaks in shallower waters.  But the whole thing went tits up at 18000 feet, due to really cold water or something.  It's still on the table, with perhaps a smaller better designed bucket (how hard is it to screw up a bucket?), so stay tuned I guess.

Oil Geyser Option 4 - Junkshot, Woodstock, Watergate, Punk Rock
After their awesome idea to light the oilslick on fire, the Coast Guard's new plan is to stuff the pipe with old tires and shit with a previously successful tactic called "the Junkshot".  I'm getting the feeling that the Coast Guard is actually run by a bunch of bored rural teenagers, but it's not like jamming shredded trash into the heart of the spill is going to fuck up the environment any more.  Which may be where the last idea came from...

Oil Geyser Option 5 - There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us
What I said before about signs of desperation?  Here's a better one.  Given the clientele, I'm sure everyone here has already heard of the newest suggestion from Russia's biggest newspaper, but here it is anyway - Nuke the well, and see what happensFucking metal.  Hey, it worked for the Soviet Union, apparently.  Use the awesome power of the atom unleashed to collapse the well.  Given the circumstances, I'd be more afraid of it blowing open the reservoir and letting all the oil out at once.  At any rate, let's call that Plan C.


So, to recap: There's oil gushing unchecked from the ocean floor, where no good technology exists to fix the leak.  Plans include waiting, digging more, throwing hair and tires and buckets and chalk mugs and mattresses and any other crap we have laying around at it, lighting the whole thing on fire, and blowing it to Kingdom Come.  In the timeless words of Dr. Moe Howard, you got any more bright ideas?



1. Mandate digging deeper and greedier.
2. Accidentally pull the lever and drill through your primary oil-blocking system.
3. Find out your emergency blocker doesn't work.
4. Tell everybody it's no big deal.

5. ? ? ?
6. WELCOME TO FUCKING RIGMURDERED! Hope you like oil!
« Last Edit: April 20, 2011, 03:17:22 pm by Aqizzar »
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Itnetlolor

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2010, 06:33:11 pm »

We can always build a monster chain of gas stations all over the shore and use our cars to siphon out the oil from the water.

Diablous

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2010, 06:37:01 pm »

Quote
Oil Geyser Option 5 - There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us
What I said before about signs of desperation?  Here's a better one.  Given the clientele, I'm sure everyone here has already heard of the newest suggestion from Russia's biggest newspaper, but here it is anyway - Nuke the well, and see what happens.  Fucking metal.  Hey, it worked for the Soviet Union, apparently.  Use the awesome power of the atom unleashed to collapse the well.  Given the circumstances, I'd be more afraid of it blowing open the reservoir and letting all the oil out at once.  At any rate, let's call that Plan C.


I find this plan hilarious.
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Grakelin

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2010, 06:37:30 pm »

Gas is actually pretty cheap in Ontario right now.

I wonder if they're actually collecting it from the surface of the ocean.
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Aqizzar

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2010, 06:43:09 pm »

I wonder if they're actually collecting it from the surface of the ocean.

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Itnetlolor

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2010, 06:45:26 pm »

Well, a more sensible option I can think of is dredging. Simply, dig and drop and repeat.

Use natural materials to block the hole, weigh down the material on the surface, and use up the fuel that sits on the surface. Hopefully it shouldn't be too much trouble to tinker around with.

Hell, multi-task, and use the same dredges as oil barges if possible, or rig some large boats to act as oil vacuums and scrub the oil off the surface. Salvage and clean at the same time. Would it help if those firefighting aircraft are also used to peel the oil from the surface as well? Those can haul some decent amounts, just dump the stored oil on top/into designated dump zones and have a series of trucks siphon and refine.

I mean, we have all this crap, let's put them to use.

When all that is done and well, we can just put some oil-absorbing barrier-net things around what remains, and burn the rest off. The barrier nets should at least contain some of the fireball.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2010, 06:51:38 pm by Itnetlolor »
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Cthulhu

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2010, 06:55:23 pm »

I have an inescapable subscription to Greg Palast's email newsletter thanks to some comic about voter disenfranchisement Aqizzar posted.  I didn't like him at first, but he's growing on me.  He seems like a nonpartisan "I'll write bad things about you if you mess up, liberal or conservative" guy, and I like that.

According to him it's all BP's fault, because they didn't have as much boom (That rubber sheeting) as they said they had.  Apparently they also misreported the depth of the well, so Halliburton mispoured the concrete cap for the well.

My solution?  Penguins.  Those little bastards seem to always get completely coated in oil every time a tanker turns too sharply, I think we should airdrop hundreds of penguins to soak up the oil.
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LeoLeonardoIII

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2010, 07:06:14 pm »

Step 1: Get a submersible
Step 2: Load a single chunk of basalt onto it
Step 3: Get the beardiest contractor to go down and build a wall

Actually I think the most important thing is to freeze the assets of the companies involved, spend their money and use their equipment to employ whatever fix is determined, and let them sort it out among themselves in the courtroom after.

And if that causes a little economic hardship at the top, well, maybe next time they'll think twice about shorting their safety budgets.

Okay, actual suggestion: all the petroleum research out there has got to have yielded some chemical reaction that can crystallize or vulcanize or otherwise harden crude oil. Inject that shit into the hole, even if it means the whole deposit is ruined.

I can't help but feel that the company would rather let the oil spill until it stabilizes rather than compromise their ability to harvest from it in the future.
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smigenboger

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2010, 07:07:48 pm »

If they've already hit the oil reserve, the sea of magma shouldn't be too much further down. They just need to tap the magma to make an obsidian plug for the oil.

(don't refute that)
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Nilocy

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2010, 07:10:08 pm »

British Petrolium, screwing over dissident colonies since 1910!
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Grakelin

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2010, 07:18:33 pm »

Step 1: Get a submersible
Step 2: Load a single chunk of basalt onto it
Step 3: Get the beardiest contractor to go down and build a wall

Actually I think the most important thing is to freeze the assets of the companies involved, spend their money and use their equipment to employ whatever fix is determined, and let them sort it out among themselves in the courtroom after.

And if that causes a little economic hardship at the top, well, maybe next time they'll think twice about shorting their safety budgets.

Okay, actual suggestion: all the petroleum research out there has got to have yielded some chemical reaction that can crystallize or vulcanize or otherwise harden crude oil. Inject that shit into the hole, even if it means the whole deposit is ruined.

I can't help but feel that the company would rather let the oil spill until it stabilizes rather than compromise their ability to harvest from it in the future.

Obama has been firm in declaring that he wants BP to take the brunt of the costs, so if it all works out, they will. However, it's possible that they would lose more by destroying the oil than by letting the oil spill out.
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alway

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2010, 07:28:47 pm »

I have an inescapable subscription to Greg Palast's email newsletter thanks to some comic about voter disenfranchisement Aqizzar posted.  I didn't like him at first, but he's growing on me.  He seems like a nonpartisan "I'll write bad things about you if you mess up, liberal or conservative" guy, and I like that.

According to him it's all BP's fault, because they didn't have as much boom (That rubber sheeting) as they said they had.  Apparently they also misreported the depth of the well, so Halliburton mispoured the concrete cap for the well.

My solution?  Penguins.  Those little bastards seem to always get completely coated in oil every time a tanker turns too sharply, I think we should airdrop hundreds of penguins to soak up the oil.
Basicly they are playing pass the blame in the congressional hearing.

As for the penguins...
IIRC, there have been millions of gallons leaked so far, with perhaps up to 5 times that still waiting to get out. We will need a lot of penguins. One penguin can probably only soak up one half to one gallon of oil. We could begin a massive penguin breeding operation to increase their numbers, but that would take a very long time due to the period in which they will need to mature enough to reproduce. Which leaves us with one option: clones. All factories in the south and south-eastern US should be retooled immediately into penguin cloning facilities. They can then be grown in vats in large enough quantities to mop up all the oil. They will be genetically altered to increase their size and rate of maturing for maximum efficiency. When the penguins reach their full size, they will be dropped into the oil slick, absorbing the entire mess.

Due to the massive number of retooled penguin cloning facilities, there will likely be a large oversupply of penguins when the cleanup is done. These can then be sent to underground training facilities where they will be prepared for duty in Afganistan as both soldiers and roadside bomb detectors.
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Itnetlolor

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2010, 07:39:28 pm »

I have an inescapable subscription to Greg Palast's email newsletter thanks to some comic about voter disenfranchisement Aqizzar posted.  I didn't like him at first, but he's growing on me.  He seems like a nonpartisan "I'll write bad things about you if you mess up, liberal or conservative" guy, and I like that.

According to him it's all BP's fault, because they didn't have as much boom (That rubber sheeting) as they said they had.  Apparently they also misreported the depth of the well, so Halliburton mispoured the concrete cap for the well.

My solution?  Penguins.  Those little bastards seem to always get completely coated in oil every time a tanker turns too sharply, I think we should airdrop hundreds of penguins to soak up the oil.
Basicly they are playing pass the blame in the congressional hearing.

As for the penguins...
IIRC, there have been millions of gallons leaked so far, with perhaps up to 5 times that still waiting to get out. We will need a lot of penguins. One penguin can probably only soak up one half to one gallon of oil. We could begin a massive penguin breeding operation to increase their numbers, but that would take a very long time due to the period in which they will need to mature enough to reproduce. Which leaves us with one option: clones. All factories in the south and south-eastern US should be retooled immediately into penguin cloning facilities. They can then be grown in vats in large enough quantities to mop up all the oil. They will be genetically altered to increase their size and rate of maturing for maximum efficiency. When the penguins reach their full size, they will be dropped into the oil slick, absorbing the entire mess.

Due to the massive number of retooled penguin cloning facilities, there will likely be a large oversupply of penguins when the cleanup is done. These can then be sent to underground training facilities where they will be prepared for duty in Afganistan as both soldiers and roadside bomb detectors.
Shame it's not dark matter, otherwise we'd already have a fuckton of penguins. After all, dark matter is like spanish fly and viagra combined into a potent breeding formula for penguins.

Luke_Prowler

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2010, 07:40:27 pm »

Considering that it's the Gulf of Mexico we're talking about, the burn and bomb option doesn't sound all that bad.
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Pathos

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Re: There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2010, 07:45:57 pm »

Nuke to cause a tidal wave or ineffectually try and skim it off the top of the ocean.

Man, these are good options.
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