Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[alficles]

ATTN: Bucket Hauler's Union
RE: Workplace Hazards

It has come to my attention that some of you are having trouble recognizing workplace hazards. This is an important skill, especially for those of you who do not know how to swim. That, from a quick glance at your performance evaluations, appears to be all of you.

I realize that I may have left orders to fill the reactor pools active in error. However, that does not absolve you of all responsibility. The first one of you to be washed into the overfull reactor core is excusable. I did leave it running and I did leave standing orders to fill it. However, when the second of you happened upon the first and saw that the first was trapped by the menacing wave of periodic 3/7 water, he should have considered Cancelling Fill Pool: Dangerous Terrain. But no, as the 3/7 water was only periodic, you decided to continue the task that was so recently aborted by the first. You, too were trapped. But surely, the third, by now realizing that this was a foolhardy task, would realize the danger and avoid it. But no. And not the fourth or the fifth or the sixth or the seventh or the eighth or the ninth...

In fact, one of you must have decided that even though your 35 bedraggled now-starving companions were stuck in the bottom corner of the reactor, surely it must be safe! Yes, 17% of the workforce decided to go swimming in the reactor core. Only when one of you became so hungry that he longed to eat the roach that lay tantalizingly beyond his reach did you begin to Cancel Hunt Vermin: Dangerous Terrain.

This time, I have rescued you. Only because a few of you are actually valuable to the fort. In fact, my primary regret is that there was no way to rescue Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith without rescuing Urist McNobleThatRequiresClearGlassWindowsAndSladeStatues. The next time it happens, I will open the newly installed 'heating ducts' that keep the reactor warm. Such an event may prove !!uncomfortable!!, so please be careful.

Signed,
Your Safety-Conscious Overlord

[Dwarftosser]

Dear Urist,

If I am not allowed to butcher it, I'm not responsible for feeding it.

No, really. That yak you keep toting around that's currently starving to death in your bedroom?  He's going to because you're too busy attending parties at jet table to take the dumb thing outside and let it nibble on some rope weed.

And I don't want to hear about it when it comes to pass either.  The moment I see a red arrow above your head I'm forbidding your door and letting you join the beast.

Sincerely,

The Management.

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,

Okay, so you've been handing out beatings on the orders of a long-dead mayor. Fine, I can live with that. But did you have to punch the head off Urist McLegendaryMechanic like that? The poor dorf was the last of the founding seven, and you killed him. I advise you to be more careful in future, as if Urist McLegendaryMetalsmith comes to harm in jail, you're next...

The Management

Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,

Further to our earlier correspondance, I note that Urist McLegendaryMetalsmith is now dead. My subordinates tell me that no one gave him anything to drink. So now the number of important dwarves dead because of you is up to 2.

This changes my plans for the new cell block. Now, each cell will get its own well to avert any further errors. Also you are demoted from guard captain with immediate effect. Instead you will be transferred to the deep caverns exploration unit. I suggest grabbing some of that steel equipment before the other recruits take it all. You're going to need it...

The Management, very angry

[Lielac]

Dear Children of Roartrade,

You know how a dwarf died last month because they got swarmed by goblins before they could get inside? Yeah, that's why I have you idiots set to always be assigned to stay inside. PLEASE RESPECT THAT. I don't want this fortress to die because none of the kids lasted to adulthood and all the grownups got depressed because their kiddies got deaded.

Some love,

Overseer Lielac

[Ancre]

Dear Urist McMilitiaman.

Your fighting style is ... creative, to say the least. I have seen you fighting that giant toad in the caverns, and I wonder why you were trying to bite and punch that poor thing, especially when you have a good quality steel weapon in your hand. Yes, that huge steel hammer I forced you to carry is actually a weapon. We actually had a lot of trouble obtaining it, since our fortress does not have any metal other than zinc and gold. You are expected to maim and kill stuff with this weapon, not with your teeth and bare hands, however amusing that may be.

Please remember that our parent civilisation is dead. We won't have any other dwarf coming here to live, ever. The area is inhabited by savage creatures. There are huge heads with big wings and pointy teeth flying around in the last layers caverns. We can't produce any kind of weapon or armor and must painfully buy them from every coming merchant. Traps can only protect us so much - right now our cages are filling up faster than we can rebuild or empty them. Therefore I need you to become an efficient warrior. Not fool around until the creature you fight dodge the wrong way and kill itself by slamming into an obstacle. I assure you, it won't happen twice. Please be serious about your job. I sincerely hope you do see the consequences of not following those wise words of advice. Militiaman is not a job that can be taken lightly, I assure you.

Also, please note, even if I'm French, biting giant frogs' legs does not impress me.



Sincerely,
Your amused but rather concerned overseer, taking care of the remnants of your civilization.

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McNewGuardCaptain,

Congratulations on your recent promotion! Please be aware that your new job does involve a considerable amount of responsibility, which most dwarves are a stranger to. If you need a reminder as to what happens should this job be shirked, please take a look in the scorpion pit. If you're quick, what's left of your predecessor may still be alive...

[jaxy15]

Dear Urist McBroker,
RE: Leap attack at elk bird

Slash it, it's better than stabbing it after you leap at it.
Seriously.

[Taeraresh]

Dear Urist McNowLegendaryStonecrafter...

I understand that you were possessed, and inspired to make an artifact coffin, but did you have to name it 'Fungusimpaled The Accidental Scenario' ? It seems to be predicting some Fun, and  our military isn't finished training yet.

Signed,
 The Overseer

[ledgekindred]

Dear Urist McSpeardwarf

I'm happy you and your fellow soldiers were able to repel that goblin ambush.  But when reading the combat log I noticed that, before killing it, you, erm, "bit the goblin on the eyetooth" and "shook it around."

I mean, you ... sounds like .. kissing?  But ... goblin .... ewww?  I ... gah ... I just ... ugh ... bleh.

Thanks for the brain bleach,
Your Now-Permanently-Squicked-Out Overlord 

[Kassil]

Dear King of the Mountainhome,

For future reference, when you suggest a place be settled because it has metals and flux, it would help if you ensure that those metals are, in fact, something that can be used with the flux stone. As it is, future invaders will be getting to test the utility of a pit with a bottom lined with copper upright spikes and traps with copper and silver warhammers to invite them to jump down to inspect them. I do trust the caravans, when they arrive, will appreciate the /lovely/ marble Trade Depot, and the eventual addition of marble statues and a marble block road. I will not be exporting the flux stone to the Mountainhome, no matter what you were apparently hoping.

With moderate annoyance,
The Overlord of the citadel of Deepspears
(We've certainly dug deep, but unless you send us some iron, there will be no spears in the deep.)

[jaxy15]

Dear Urist McMarksdwarf,
Before you go and attack a giant scaly antelope forgotten beast, take a freaking crossbow first.
You would have died if it wasn't for my military.

[Oliolli]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith

Your recent strange moods result was a massive letdown.
Instead of creating something our military could have enjoyed, you made an artifact adamantine crossbow, even though we already have one, and our military doesn't include a marksdwarf regiment.

To any other weaponsmiths, the next maker of an artifact adamantine crossbow will be armed with it, but no bolts, and will be sent into our cavern exploration group.

Sincerely
 The Administration

[Musashi]

Dear Doren Blazeoils,

I don't know whether to be angry or awed by the fact you did, in fact, engrave masterfully a picture of the chief medical dwarf, Iteb Archroofs, eating cheese, in the future room of some infortunate dwarf, on shiny gem floor. He's not even your friend. In fact, he's not friends with anybody. And you don't even like cheese!
The Root of Creams, indeed.
Either way, I'm flabbergasted.
Keep up... the... good work?...

Your Overseer who honestly doesn't know if it's better or worse than the engraving of the dehydration of a baby

[JmzLost]

Dear Furniture Haulers Union of Wipeearth,

     Thank you.  I really never expected our fortress would live up to its name.  Embarking on the side of a volcano with magnetite and marble, I expected to have a strong military, and totally destroy anyone who dared look at us funny.  Instead, by the end of the first summer, our entire stockpile of ore is under magma.  As is the anvil.  And the forge area.  And 3/4 of the fortress.  And the only flat area on the surface, with the pasture and all of our animals.  And half of our 75 z-level volcano.  11 out of 14 dwarves with furniture hauling and "No Job", and nobody could install the doors on the magma tap in the side of the volcano?  Definitely a very strong union there.  Good job, guys (and gals).  We have certainly "Wiped the earth!"

Ragequitting,
  Your Boss

Note to self:
     In the future, specify the forges be at least 1 z below the main entrance to the fort.  And the food.  And the pastures.  And everything else.  And wait for the lazy haulers to install the door before designating those channels in the side of the volcano.  Stupid self.

JMZ

[TolyK]

ouch.
i remember doing that to many a semi-successful fort...