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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 911947 times)

cameron1124

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2010, 11:45:25 am »

dear urist mcbroker

I would really aprecciate it if you didnt decide to that eating and sleeping is more important then buying the tamed tiger and alligator that will probably save the fortress someday.


from, uristmceverybodyelse
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uber pye

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #16 on: August 08, 2010, 12:01:46 pm »

dear Mr. current resident megabeast

      i hope you like the endless flow of migrant dwarfs snacks

                 love<3,
                     uber pye
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"Immortal" just means that you haven't killed it hard enough

X-MAS TIME!!!!!
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Encased in burning magma

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2010, 12:22:25 pm »

Dude.

Channeling a magma tile when someone is standing on it is NOT COOL. Especially if they are wearing adamantine.
You might want to beware a strange compulsion to pull the noble lever that might occur really soon. Just saying.

 -A
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[MILL_CHILD:ONLY_IF_GOOD_REASON]

darkwolf

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2010, 12:23:41 pm »

Here's a couple. First, an old one:

Dear Urist McHunter,

While I appreciate your focus and dedication in hunting creatures to bring to our table, you would be much more efficient were you to have enough focus and dedication toward your own survival... I'm not asking for too much here when I ask you to please stop following deer over the edge of that bottomless chasm.

Yours,

Urist McOverseer.

Aaaand a riff on one of the current themes:

Dear Urist McBroker,

We are currently having to force an audit of your trading procedures, after it was reported that, when asked to trade, you first decided to dig the rest of the fort out. This was not so bad, as the merchants had not yet left when you finished. However, then deciding to, in order, haul the food stockpile single handedly to its new location, have a meal, sleep, and then go on break for a full season was not the wisest of moves. As such, you were replaced last season by Urist McCraftsdwarf, who now has a bigger office than you do.

Yours,
Urist McOverseer.

PS - Tantruming because he has a bigger office has earned you an appointment with our Community Services Officer, Urist McHammerdwarf. Feuds are not accepted as an excuse.
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Eugenitor

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2010, 12:31:44 pm »

Dear Urist McCowardly,

Yes. There is a Forgotten Beast down there. It cannot possibly reach you. Just because you two can see each other does not mean that you have to freeze in panic for the rest of your life until you die of thirst.

Yours,

Your Frustrated Deity

P. S. Quit crying about sunlight you little basement-dweller.
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Urist Imiknorris

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #20 on: August 08, 2010, 12:34:01 pm »

Attention to all military dwarves in Machineworks:
     Your armor is important to your survival. I know it's hot, but please leave it on when off duty. You may be needed at a moment's notice, and taking time to re-equip yourself leaves the fort vulnerable, while running into the goblin siege naked save for your axe will earn you a coffin in the communal graveyard while your Royal Mausoleum will go to your replacement when you die.

Attention to all Urists in Machineworks:

Quit Stealing my name.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2010, 12:38:50 pm by Urist Imiknorris »
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Grimlocke

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2010, 12:42:56 pm »

Dear Urist McBroker,

Your life is miserable. You had an axe. You bisected a lye maker. I didnt care forgave you.

You wernt satisfied. You killed chopped the legs off of my legendary weaponsmith. You will rot in the deepest abyss.

No coffin, no honour, you caved youself in there. Also im taking your axe.

Regards, your much more murderous overlord.

Pull the Lever!
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Tyrius

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2010, 12:49:33 pm »

Dear Elven Merchants.

 For the last -5- years I have slaughtered your trade caravans, stolen your crap, and impaled the skulls of your predecessors into rows of spikes outside my fortress. Grow a set of balls and fight back already you pack of whiny emo pussies. Slaughtering your population one caravan at a time is too slow. I want more elf-skull-spike decorations damnit.

 - Cog McBonecarver
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because that's not the dwarven way. Could you make more statues of Urist instead of an impossibly large one chiseled out of the mountain? Sure, you could. If you want to be called a ninny elf by all your friends.

Heavenfall

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2010, 01:01:10 pm »

Dear Captain of the Guard,

It has come to my attention that there may be a problem with the way you enforce the justice of this home. While a righteous zeal is always appreciated, there is such a thing as too much force. In particular, complaints have reached our ears where your fellow dwarves claim that you have: (1) Chained prisoners together and watched them fight to the death (2) Executed unconcious dwarves in the hospital (3) Sentenced dwarves to years in prison for minor offenses like taking off their shirt, and (4) totally annihilated an entire fortress stuck in a tantrum spiral, leaving only yourself and your militia intact.

Signed with my dying breath, your mayor
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Upon him I will visit famine and a fire, until all around him desolation rings
and all the demons in the outer dark look on amazed and recognize
that vengeance is the business of a dwarf

Macalano

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2010, 02:15:01 pm »

Dear UristMcLegendary Cheesemaker,

You arrived this fall in the fourth migration our fine fortress of Trotglen has seen. You were alone, and this was a relief to us, as we don't need more immigrants. It must have been a long and arduous trek and we offer our condolences.

You arrived as a legendary Cheese Maker. Being a legendary cheese maker is very commendable, as being legendary in any other profession is. We regret to inform you that our economy is not agrarian in the sense that we need someone to make us legendary cheese. We realize you must have spent all eighty-four years of your life training to become what you are, and we respect that. We also respect the fact that you journeyed here alone, through miles of evil landscape, and managed to get past many an undead beasty just to get here in one piece, just to offer us your services.

But to get straight to the point Urist, from next month out, you will be expected to report to stone detailing duty, every day, for the rest of your life. We hope you understand our position on this.

Regards,
Management
« Last Edit: August 08, 2010, 02:20:05 pm by Macalano »
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melomel

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2010, 02:19:49 pm »

Urist McMom:  The bottom of the aquifer excavation zone is not a good place to leave your baby unattended, and I refuse to be held responsible for the consequences.
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I HAVE THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND CRAFT ITEMS. I WILL TRADE THEM ALL FOR CHEESE.
7+7

Macalano

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2010, 02:22:12 pm »

***MEMORANDUM***

Starting as of today, all coffins will be dumped directly into Hell to save space.

***MEMORANDUM***
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TheyTarget

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #27 on: August 08, 2010, 02:27:31 pm »

Dear Urist McArcher
         That is a crossbow. Not a hammer.
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Code: [Select]
This is a platinum warhammer. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. it menaces with spikes of platinum.
there is an image of the goblin Utes Gozrusrozsnus and dwarves in elf bone. The goblin is making a plaintive gesture. the dwarves are striking a menacing pose.
this image relates to the slaying of Utes Gozrusroz

nervousmigrants

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #28 on: August 08, 2010, 02:28:11 pm »

Urist McDoctor,

I know that the mechanics of filling buckets is complicated.  I know that placing the bucket into the water which I have shown you is hard.  But please, please ask for help when you need it.  I know that sometimes you need to "Apply Cast", and sometimes there is no one around to get you your water.  But that doesn't mean you should walk out to the pond, stand there staring across the water for hours, and continue until you get too thirsty.  Please, Urist McDoctor, for the sake of your patients, don't be ashamed to ask for help.

And if that doesn't work, use a frakkin' splint.  I've got a hundred of them right there.

Yours,
God.
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Sir Broccoli

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2010, 02:43:40 pm »

Dear Urist,

Grow a brain

Signed,
Your evil overlord.
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If sad, apply kittens.
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