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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1473198 times)

DuckThatQuacks

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #180 on: September 03, 2010, 07:45:49 pm »

To: Urist McNolimbs, Mayor of Grouptomb
From: The League of Nearby Nations

Dear Mr. McNolimbs,

We are all grateful to you for your sacrifices during the invasion of 1054 -- your bold charge broke the back of the goblin army, preventing our mutual enemy from capturing a vital fortress. We understand that, due to the severe injuries you sustained during the engagement, you are confined to your bed and your range of possible activities is limited. However, we would appreciate it if you could find the strength to meet briefly with our diplomats. They understand your situation, and are not offended by your inability to meet with them. However, they are unwilling to return home without meeting with you first -- and the new ones we send every year seem to encounter the same dilemma. Please meet with them. We are running out of diplomats.

Sincerely,
The Nearby Heads of State

P.S. You may wish to consider renaming your fort. It might increase migration.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Quietust

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #181 on: September 04, 2010, 12:23:19 pm »

To: Ast Udasob, Domas Ralamnek Kezat Omshit, Melbil Eribthortith Idathtogal Kas, and the rest of the military of Shadelabors
From: The Management

There are more goblins sneaking around outside, so we need you to stand guard in front of the entrance while the civilians collect the remains of the squad you just vanquished. You all have rations in your backpacks and your waterskins are full of booze, so quit complaining that you are hungry and/or thirsty.

P.S. When your orders are momentarily cancelled so that you can finally eat or drink, it is not necessary to walk all the way back to the barracks before returning to the same location where you were stationed in the first place.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2010, 12:27:36 pm by Quietust »
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P.S. If you don't get this note, let me know and I'll write you another.
It's amazing how dwarves can make a stack of bones completely waterproof and magmaproof.
It's amazing how they can make an entire floodgate out of the bones of 2 cats.

Argonnek

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #182 on: September 04, 2010, 03:51:39 pm »

To the mechanics of MassiveCity,

Link the damn floodgates before the river thaws and drowns you all.

--Overseer Argonnek

Jayce

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #183 on: September 04, 2010, 04:43:48 pm »

Dear dorfs(specify military)
Please dont run out solo into a sieging force of 100 goblins.
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Neopolis

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #184 on: September 05, 2010, 06:12:58 am »

To: Urist McLiaison
From: The Management of Beardhut

Dear Mister McLiaison,

First of all, let me apologize for the breaking of your arm, your leg, your rib, and your lung. Second of all, please understand that our mayor is a very busy man. He has other things to do than attend to meetings, such as the removing of floors that were built to connect to an underground cavern. Standing on that floor while he removes it will not get you his attention any sooner, it'll just result in a painful three z-level drop.

Kind regards,
the management
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Golcondio

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #185 on: September 05, 2010, 02:45:00 pm »

Attention: All Dwarves

Dear Stumpies,

Why did you start disobeying me in such a blatant way?
I issued a "all dorfs inside" alert, why the Hell would you start ignoring it and go collecting socks from the battlefield DURING A FRIGGING SIEGE?

And you, Urist McCluelessRecruit, did you not attend any training? "Pickup equipment" means that you go and PICK UP YOUR GLODSDAMNED EQUIPMENT, not that you should GO OUTSIDE AND DROP YOUR MASTERWORK STEEL SHIELD in a random spot!

Magmatically yours,

The Overlord
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UndergroundTree

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #186 on: September 05, 2010, 10:17:34 pm »

Dear Urist McEternalParty

You are a Elf.


Signed, Your overseer.


PS, We have your cat.
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Zidane

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #187 on: September 06, 2010, 12:58:22 am »

Urists McIdlers


I know you are new to my fortress, and I know my managing skills need some fine tuning but... That's no reason to just stay in my dining room drinking all of my ale, and mushrooms. Me and the miners are making a special dormitory for all of you though! As soon as mt miners find an aquifer, we'll set you right up!

PS. At least the children HAUL, you just sit there! I'm talking to you CHEESEMAKER.
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Give cats natural metallic armor and throw them in your danger room.  Also allow their mouth and tail to grasp (shield in mouth, weapon in tail xD)  Have a cat based military.  You know, do the same with all tame animals xD send in the cats as shock troops to disrupt the archers

Olith McHuman

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #188 on: September 06, 2010, 05:05:09 am »

Dear Urist McChild:

Normally I would thank you for removing a construction in the only way that would cause a cave-in. No really, crushing the other useless dorfs who were also removing constructions would have made my day. However, you apparently were not aware that you were on top of the 150 Z-LEVEL PUMP STACK MADE OF ALL STEEL PARTS THAT TOOK DECADES TO BUILD. I hope you enjoy being turned into a toad with runesmith. Just sayin.

Sincerely,
Your now homicidal Overlord
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ledgekindred

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #189 on: September 06, 2010, 09:51:39 am »

Dear cats of the fortress,

The Danger Room full of repeating spikes is for military training, however please feel free to step in and visit.  We have plenty idlers to come clean your corpses out of the way.  Thanks to the legendary dining room, legendary chef, legendary brewer and meeting hall with a lovely well, statues and cages full of your fellow brethren and sisteren and other interesting animals, everyone is ecstatic and your owners have barely noticed your ceasing to take up space (and fps) in our fort.

Ha ha,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.

P.S. Yes I made the door impassable on purpose.  Serves you right for trying to sneak in in the first place.
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I don't understand, though that is about right with anything DF related.
I just hope he dies the same death that all dwarfs deserve: liver disease.
The legend of Reg: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=65866.0
Atir Stigildegel, Legless Hero of Diamondrelic: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=83136.0

Shootandrun

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #190 on: September 06, 2010, 10:52:15 am »

Dear Urist McMayor

During the last months, i saw you doing things that i don't like to see. You remember, killing that child? The miner? Worst of all, the cat of the sheriff, causing him to go berserk too? I'm sure you understand that i can't let you keep killing dwarves. Of course, it's harder now that you are the best fighter in the fortress. To protect the others dwarves, i have been forced to lock them in the fortress for a moment. But now its finished.
Have fun to meet your death, you damn murderer. She's called "Fourty elephants released on a single dwarf".

PS: Just in case, i think you will be happy to notice that they are not Elephants, but !!Elephants!!

The overseer.
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Xerillum

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #191 on: September 06, 2010, 02:40:21 pm »

Dear 199 Urist McCitizens,

Please feel free to ignore the "stay inside" alert the next time burning hot magma starts flowing to the top of the fortress.

Sincerely, the overlord.

P.S., Urist McFarmer, Congratulations on getting stuck behind a wall of obsidian on the farm 20 z-levels down, you are now the last survivor. Also, can you please stop crying about your friends long enough to drink something?

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timtek

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #192 on: September 06, 2010, 04:24:58 pm »

Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!
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My fortress brings all the dorfs to mah yard...

Shagomir

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #193 on: September 06, 2010, 04:36:30 pm »

Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!

d-o-r yourself some restricted traffic areas over any bodies of water that freeze, and as long as there is a non-restricted route, your dwarfs should never path over it.

I wrote the same Dear Urist letter myself, before I learned about this.
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timtek

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #194 on: September 06, 2010, 06:53:58 pm »

I'll have to give that a try. I'm still learning and I forgot that I could restrict areas. Thanks!
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My fortress brings all the dorfs to mah yard...
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