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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 911945 times)

FreakyCheeseMan

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #30 on: August 08, 2010, 02:45:42 pm »

Dear Urist McSuperMom

I realize that slipping fertility drugs into your booze may have been in poor choice, but please understand that, as this is our fourth year without immigrants, our fortress is facing a severe population shortage. While we congratulate you on the births of your thirty-odd babies, we feel it was a poor choice to take them all with you into the cavern to retrieve the corpse of a forgotten beast. As you may recall, you were attacked by another forgotten beast, who wounded you and murdered a good half-dozen of your progeny.

We apologize for the wounds you received from said beast, and for the lack of buckets which caused you to die of dehydration in a hospital room, and your grief-stricken children to spread out like a cloud of puking dwarven spore throughout the level. You may, however, take some pride in knowing that the infant horde you birthed were able to kill the stray troll that wandered in from the dungeons.

Tiny, hairy-knuckled fists of rage.... *shudders*

Where was I? Oh yes. In your next life, please be a little more careful with your offspring. We understand that it's a mothers duty to push her offspring out into the world, but frankly, introducing your one-year-olds to the skinless flying turtle monster mentioned earlier may have been a tad excessive.

We would begin work on your coffin and burial arrangements immediately, but we seem to be having a problem with swarms of rampaging toddlers tearing apart our fort.

Sincerely,

A very frightened overseer.
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What do you really need to turn Elves into Dwarves? Mutation could make them grow a beard; insanity effects could make them evil-minded, aggressive, tree-hating cave dwellers, and instant, full necrosis of their lower legs could make them short.

Coidzure Dreams

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2010, 03:19:18 pm »

This forum needs a like button.  :o

sinister agent

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2010, 05:40:09 pm »

Dear Urist McSurgeon,

I appreciate that you are an important member of our group, however if you resent helping other people so much, you should not have chosen this vocation.  Furthermore, I am grateful to you for preparing a sorely injured miner for surgery in a timely manner.  In future, however, I would appreciate it a lot more if you did not wash patients, and then immediately walk off to get drunk.  This is not an NHS fortress.

Sincerely,

The Agency.

OddProphet

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #33 on: August 08, 2010, 05:52:33 pm »

"Welcome. Welcome to Outpost 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest cultural centers. I thought so much of Outpost 17 that I elected to establish my administration here, in the city so thoughtfully provided by our benefactor, the King. I have been proud to call Outpost 17 my home. And so, whether you are here to ply your trade, or trying to start a new life - welcome to Outpost 17. It's safer here. "

-Alath Zanegethad, Mayor, in his yearly speech to the migrants.

"We now have direct confirmation of a disruptor in our midst, one who has acquired an almost messianic reputation in the minds of our nobility, and those who would seek their favor. Her figure is synonymous with the darkest urges of greed, ignorance and wrath. Some of the worst excesses of the Green Glass Mandate Incident have been laid directly at her feet. And yet the interloping nobility continues to imbue her with romantic power, giving her such dangerous poetic labels as the Hammer of Fate, the Cleanser of the Guilty.

Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of political thinking. We have scarcely begun to climb from the dark pit of our societies' social evolution. Let us not slide backward into oblivion, just as we have finally begun to see the light. If you see this so-called Hammer of Fate, report her. Civic deeds do not go unrewarded. And contrariwise, complicity with her cause will not go unpunished.

Be wise. Be safe. Be aware."

-Alath Zanegethad, in his seasonal speech to the workers in the spring of 205.




Just so you all know, I just modified Breen's speeches from Half-Life 2.  All intellectual property belongs to VALVe and Tarn Adams.
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Lasander

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #34 on: August 08, 2010, 07:40:47 pm »

Attention to all citizens of Shellwheeled,

Our Benevolent Overseer would like to remind us that the beds in the hospital zone is reserved for the dwarves who were injured while performing their duties for the common good--not for your naps.  There is ample room in the barracks and dormitories of the fort which are also located in more convenient locations than the isolated hospital which is located in the furthest reaches of the fort--far far away from your work.

Further instances of non-injured dwarves sleeping in hospital beds will warrant the conversion of the hospital beds into drowning chambers.  Construction of these labor-intensive chambers is abhorrent and for the good of everyone this must be avoided.

In the event that the chambers are forced to be constructed any non-authorized dwarf found in the chambers will find the device activated and the resulting corpse will be hauled outside to rot with no burial.
Also, anyone blood related to dwarves found in non-compliance with this memorandum will be ineligible for the new housing project and any current housing status will be revoked.

So remember, citizens of Shellwheeled, keep a close watch on your family--for their sake and yours.

Sincerely,
Management
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Internet Kraken

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #35 on: August 08, 2010, 08:35:24 pm »

Attention to all Dwarves of Starflag,

  We are a proud people. We have dared to defy traditional Dwarven practice and construct mighty Fortresses on top of the great sea itself. It is because of our determination of power that we have managed to live relatively comfortable lives out here. Our liason has taken notice of our efforts and is quite impressed. However each year she has relayed the same concern to me that you continue to ignore; our beloved Fortreess is drenched in blood.

I don't quite understand why you are content to wallow around in this filth. It seems that everytime something dies in this fort, you spread its blood everywhere you go. From the farms deep below the surface to the top of our tower, you have spread the fluids of Goblins, Kobolds, Elves, and even your fellow Dwarves. Everything in the fort is drenched in this horrifying red mixture. The main entrance bridge was once a lovely shade of purple, but now it is coated in layers of blood. This lack of concern for the spread of blood is a risk to our Fortresses safety as well. Should the Forgotten Beast lurking in the caverns below ever enter the fort, I'm sure it will be the death of us all. Not because of its fearsome power, but rather because you fools will spread its deadly blood across every inch of the fort. Even when it beings rotting you away from the inside, you will happily drink and eat whilst sitting in a pool of Amxu Sposnuusmdas Smunstu Estur's blood. I'm sure you fools will ignore this anyways, so don't come crying to me when you friends and family start to rot away. I'm sure you'll be tracking their blood across the fort as well.

From Overseer Kraken.
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lanceleoghauni

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #36 on: August 08, 2010, 10:59:46 pm »

A posting to all Dwarves Present in HonoredSalve.

I am aware that Life is Idyllic, but perhaps a bit boring. The management is working on that. as our fortress has, in the past, suffered severe population issues, we had to mechanize a large portion of our activities. The Management would greatly appreciate it if you could avoid running your progeny into the moving components that will rip them to pieces, while this will only amuse us in the short term, if it continues to be a problem we shall have no other choice but to reduce the quality of life here in honoredSalve, in an effort to maintain a stable population.

To The mayor. Please get a clue, you knew as soon as the migrants arrived no help was coming, we are alone. Please stop asking for trifle pewter items, we can no longer work metal as our ancestors have for generations. get used to it.
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Eric Blank

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #37 on: August 08, 2010, 11:34:54 pm »

Dear Urist McButcher

I realize that letting the freshly harvested crops remain on the ground is a terrible idea, and that you technically DO have the food hauling labor on, but when I said butchering the singular kitten that you were ordered to slaughter is a high-priority job, I really meant it. Thanks to your incompetence, I must now devise and put into action a scheme to slay said female kitten before she reaches adulthood. Please refrain from performing any other duties but the ones to which you are assigned, and do note that if the expedition leader, owner of aforementioned kitten, is killed during the daring kitten-murdering operation about to take place, you will be required to take on ALL of his duties and may lose many privileges, including but not limited to the privilege to breath.

Sincerely, Your boss.
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I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

Medicine Man

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #38 on: August 09, 2010, 12:13:59 am »

Dear Uristmcbuilder

I excpected you to be smart enough to not wall yourself outside of the fortress walls and cause a tantrum spiral after you starve.

Sincerely,Armok.
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mikefictiti0us

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #39 on: August 09, 2010, 12:37:47 am »

To the parents of Kogak Ralgamil,

Your son's rotten, bloated corpse wedged open our main entrance way and thusly allowed two squads of goblins to enter our fortress. They slaughtered forty two of our folk.

Just thought you should know.

Lorbam Lazlogam, Baron.
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Spaghetti

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #40 on: August 09, 2010, 12:42:27 am »

Dear Lobel

FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING Ffaccdsagverhiogvero

if your wondering he killed my legendary armorsmith in a tantrum spiral
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noodle0117

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #41 on: August 09, 2010, 12:46:47 am »

Dear UristMcNoble,

For the past 4 years, you have done nothing but make demands, create mandates, steal the cheese, hog the ale, order ludicrously expensive furniture, thrown tantrums, shout in the face of every dwarf you meet, and crucify two of my master craftdwarves just because they could not complete your ever so important toy miniforges on time.

For your great and ever amazing benefactions, you are hereby privileged to pull this shiny bauxite lever that we have so carefully prepared for you very existence.

Sincerely,
Unknown will of the dwarves.
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Tale

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #42 on: August 09, 2010, 12:53:55 am »

Dear UristChiefMedicalDwarf,

I had no idea you were a skilled craftsdwarf until you stopped fishing out of the medical well to be possessed.  I have bones, bars of bronze, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!  IF YOU GO INSANE, I'M MOBILIZING THE MILITARY, I SWEAR TO ARMOK!  And since you're our doctor, nobody will be there to heal you.

Sincerely,
UristMcExpeditionLeader
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Ieb

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #43 on: August 09, 2010, 01:09:13 am »

Dear residents of Mansion trades.

It has come to my attention that despite the ecstatic lifestyle of our populace, all the food and booze you can eat and drink and other things of luxury, such as the grand dining hall and the party-area packed with artifacts, you are not satisfied. I hope you understand that because of the constant sieges from our neighbours who have become angry over something keeps us locked down during the preparation of war, training our military and preparing traps and a maze to confuse enemy soldiers, our way of life has become a tad static. Despite this, in no way should anyone look for excitement in the caverns no matter what you thought you saw down there.

Didn't you think that when an arachna tore Litast apart limb from limb with her bare hands the place should not be walked upon unless under military protection? The high number of casualties among our war dogs should have been a hint of the dangers that are down there, while cruel to station them there in steel chains, they are there to protect you.

Also, if you must go down there, we would like to mention that in case your pet is gored to death by an elk bird, we are not to be held responsible, and certainly not the furniture around the fortress.

I would also like to give out this mention to our military: While it is expected that at times, hostile creatures can breach the first defense-line which is upheld by our war dogs, it is your job to engage these enemies.

However when doing so, please try not to fight in the staircases. If you must, try to stand your ground, if you absolutely MUST dodge an attack, please try to make sure to step back the stairs to an upper level, instead to your sides.

It makes a horrible mess down below when you do that.

Also, paging our doctor: WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR JOB?

- Signed, your mostly benevolent Overlord.
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Medicine Man

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #44 on: August 09, 2010, 01:34:01 am »

Ever so dear migrants

Please go to the altar of sacrifice bridge on top of the volcano full of magma booze mountain and await further orders

Yours sincerly,fortress.
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