Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 ... 379 380 [381] 382 383 ... 504

Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1473352 times)

Larix

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5700 on: May 05, 2014, 04:28:42 pm »

Dear Ballista operator.

You have to be shitting me! I know ballistas are extremly inaccurate but they cant be THIS bad! I mean how dificult is it to shoot a ballita arrow down a one wide hallway? The Barnum and Baileys Hell time show is canned in that hallway, now get drunk, get on the war machine, AND SHOOT STRAIT!!!

What do you mean bad? The arrows are _all_ in the "forward" quadrant! With painstaking, meticulous work of our noble siege engineers constructing the engines and our great efforts operating them, we finally got the failure rate to zero percent! Yes, we had to define "failure" as "more than 45° off course", but since we can only aim the machines in ninety-degree angles, that's only logical.

Cheers,
the siege operators.

@mate888 - you'll need to remove the "pet" flag from plump helmet men (or un-goblinise dwarven ethics if you allowed sentient butchering as default there) if you don't want to see this again. It's nothing wrong with the engraver, it's something wrong with your raws - "pets" can be butchered, but sentients ("intelligent" or can_learn/can_speak) will trigger "witnessed death" whenever they die, including butchering.
Logged

jcochran

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5701 on: May 05, 2014, 05:21:11 pm »

Dear children of Dodokmidor,

I'm am aware there are only 30 adults to look after all 60 plus of you. I am also aware that you seem to be forming large roving gangs in order to attract the attention of certain said adults. There is however a reason we live in the 3rd cavern layer - I'm a sadistic overlord who loves forgotten beast extract the surface is somewhat overflowing with goblins. When our legendary swordsdwarf - nicknamed "the silvery blazes of rhythm" - does go outside it's pretty obvious what she's going for. Please stop following her, I've assigned you all to a nice burrow with everything you could ever want, unlike the outside which only has sharp objects headng in your direction at high speed. Although our military is highly trained at avoiding said objects you are not, and the surface is covered wth enough bodies as it is.

Sincerely, your concerned overseer.

Hmm... You've just given me a little idea. I currently use an "Adult only" passage into my silk farm collection area because all too often a young child would follow her mother in there and destroy several stacks of webbing.  There's no reason at all, that the same method can be used for the fortress exits to keep the small fry inside while the adults go outside. Unfortunately due to limitations on pressure plates, such an "adult only" passage requires the use of two pressure plates. My design is

#HD###     H = Hatch cover, D = Door.
#P####     P = Pressure plate, citizen triggered, any weight, linked to hatch cover.
#P####     P = Pressure plate, citizen triggered, 50,000 Urist or heavier, linked to door.

When a beard is traveling from south to north, when an adult steps on the 1st pressure plate, the door opens. If a child hits the pressure plate, nothing happens (too light). Then when the 2nd pressure plate is stepped on, the hatch cover opens. Since pressure plates have a rather long delay in closing, if that beard is an adult, they will immediately repath through the open doorway, while a child will not see an alternate path, and will them turn around and do something else. Mind, there's nothing prohibiting a child from traveling north to south with the above arrangement. It ought to be easy to create a "roach motel" for children. Just make a room with "adult only" pathways leading out and designate the room as a meeting area. When the adults and parents go there, the children follow. And the children are unable to leave until they too, grow into adulthood (of course, make certain there are booze and food stockpiles on the children side of the barrier so they don't starve.)


Logged

mate888

  • Bay Watcher
  • [CRAZED]
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5702 on: May 05, 2014, 08:05:18 pm »

@mate888 - you'll need to remove the "pet" flag from plump helmet men (or un-goblinise dwarven ethics if you allowed sentient butchering as default there) if you don't want to see this again. It's nothing wrong with the engraver, it's something wrong with your raws - "pets" can be butchered, but sentients ("intelligent" or can_learn/can_speak) will trigger "witnessed death" whenever they die, including butchering.
Oh, so having a sentinent being that can be butchered, is made out of delicious shroom that can be brewed and kills dwarves when they begin outnumbering them is a very !FUN! idea then...
The weird thing is that another dwarf killed a baby plump helmet man and nothing happened. And the PHM's can't actually speak, so...
Logged
My second turn's unnoficial goal was to turn everyone into vampires, and it backfired so bad, I ended up making the fort a more efficient, safer and friendlier place.
Apparently they evolved a taste for everything I love and care about

Guvnah

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5703 on: May 06, 2014, 07:00:37 am »

Dear Dwarfs,

If one of you little @#$@$^% doesn't make this chest soon, I am going to pull the lever.



Luv and Kisses,
The Man at the Switch
Logged

Iceflame

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5704 on: May 06, 2014, 08:07:33 am »

Dear Urists of the Crossbow Squads,

our Forges made a great amount of bolts for you. So please, go and pick them up. I swear by Armok, the next one of you going into melee combat without shooting a single bolt wins a weekend in the drowning chamber for him and the whole squad.

Overseer
Logged

pisskop

  • Bay Watcher
  • Too old and stubborn to get a new avatar
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5705 on: May 06, 2014, 10:14:30 am »

Dear OS;

Did you ever try disallowing us bolts and then reassigning us, say 400 of them?
Logged
Pisskop's Reblancing Mod - A C:DDA Mod to make life a little (lot) more brutal!
drealmerz7 - pk was supreme pick for traitor too I think, and because of how it all is and pk is he is just feeding into the trollfucking so well.
PKs DF Mod!

TD1

  • Bay Watcher
  • Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5706 on: May 07, 2014, 11:19:53 am »

Dear Human Invaders.

I have your captain, through an intricate series of bridges and a single cage trap. You are without a leader to direct your forces. I would suggest retreat, but there seems to be a bridge in the way. Never mind, if you get through the corridor with the completely-safe warm walls up ahead, all will be fine.

Yours sincerely,
Fort Overseer.

P.S. The Captain shall be placed in a tower made of gold that houses the king. Good day to you.
Logged
Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination
  TD1 has claimed the title of Penblessed the Endless Fountain of Epics!
Sigtext!
Poetry Thread

PABadger

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5707 on: May 07, 2014, 01:20:59 pm »

Dear Urist McDiplomat:
The water pipe leading to the brook is not a good path of travel, as it is usually full of water. You may have already noticed this, as I note that you are currently learning to swim in strong current. While I respect your interest in learning new skills, spring is about a week away and I have a feeling the water will become much deeper due to the runoff. I am afraid that I cannot spare a miner to open the side of the pipe at this time, but I have taken the liberty of closing the upstream floodgates, and I hope you will find your way downstream soon. If not, I have taken the liberty of preparing a wonderful coffin for you, with a eternal view of puddingstone walls.

Yours sincerely,
Gusilinen Overseer.
Logged

mate888

  • Bay Watcher
  • [CRAZED]
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5708 on: May 07, 2014, 03:28:37 pm »

Dear Urist Mc Expedition Leader:
Go talk with the *@#$*&@ Outpost Liason! Why do you keep going for drinks and harvesting plump helmets?! I alredy disabled all your jobs! So stop harvesting shrooms and talk to this guy! He's been following you for HOURS!

Dear Mothram McOutpostLiason:
Walk faster for Armok's sake! You had 2 chances when Urist stood and waited for the reunion, but you are so *@#$*&@ slow that he went drinking AND harvesting shrooms before you even got to the dining room!

Really frustrated. The Overseer.
Logged
My second turn's unnoficial goal was to turn everyone into vampires, and it backfired so bad, I ended up making the fort a more efficient, safer and friendlier place.
Apparently they evolved a taste for everything I love and care about

the1337doofus

  • Bay Watcher
  • Grand Master Lurker
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5709 on: May 10, 2014, 02:27:22 pm »

A posthumous note to my currently deceased amateur militia:
I said "Move to the gate and stay there".
Nowhere, in these orders, did I ever say "Chase the gnolls into the reanimating evil section of the map and beat them to death". I said sit at the gate and scare away the gnolls.
Serves you stupid gits right.

- Overseer Doof
Logged
Quote from: /k/
Multiple babies means that the force is distributed per baby, so less force total per baby.
burning dwarves is a sign of productivity

Kreydurst

  • Bay Watcher
  • Is insane
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5710 on: May 10, 2014, 05:13:34 pm »

Dear Hauler Urst,

Just because there's spot unfilled in the stone stockpile, doesn't mean you have to go into the caverns to pick up the most dangerous rock when I'm not looking. And bring back three forgotten beasts which killed everyone but you, the brewmaster and my last swordsdwarf.

- Half dead Overseer
Logged

TV4Fun

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5711 on: May 10, 2014, 09:22:32 pm »

Dear Countess Urist McNobleDwarf,

We've been together a long time. You've been with us since the beginning. You were our first expedition leader, our first broker, our first manager, our first bookkeeper. You have shown tremendous leadership in getting our fortress to where it is today. You have supervised the growth of our fortress from a tiny expedition into a bustling metropolis. I have always had great respect for you, and when I recommended you for elevation to the nobility, I was quite certain you would prove an excellent ruler. However, I think it's time you and I had a talk.

I understand that life as noble is sometimes difficult. I know my haulers have been a little busy lately and some of the additions to your private quarters took longer than expected. Yes, we were a little late in installing the second solid gold weapon rack in your office, and the black bronze chest did take far too long to get there. Yes, when I had the lowly stone doors to your throne room replaced with sterling silver, it did mean you went a few days without a proper door. And I do realize it was very inconsiderate of me to make you use an alternate dining room with a lowly green glass dining table while I replaced your stone dining table with one made of billon. And I am very sorry if the rose gold cabinet in your quarters, or the artifact silver cabinet in your throne room have proven unsatisfactory to you. I am truly mortified if the legendary Urist McEngraver's works adorning your entire quarters and surrounding passageways do not meet with your approval. And I am sorry if the burial plot I provided, in a giant room with its own pond and statuary, and the artifact bone coffin, seem rather mediocre to you.

It is obviously for this reason that you have grown rather jealous of some of the lesser dwarves around you, some of whom have had the temerity to take a few minutes break from licking your boots and throwing themselves in front of you to be trod on as you walk by them in order to dine on something other than dried grass. And I realize it is upsetting to you that I have not made all the other dwarves sleep in mud in one large room that also doubles as a toilet, and have given them each individual 2x3 rooms with beds and stone doors in them, and this seems far too extravagant. And yes, I did have a few extra billon dining tables which I put in the common eating area, along with a few statues, which clearly upset you, as you have informed me. And also I understand your concern that I may have made the large common crypts for burial of commoners a little too elaborate, I had to give Urist McEngraver somewhere to practice before he adorned your quarters, and so I can understand how while inspecting these tombs, you may have been "utterly traumatized by a lesser's pretentious burial arrangements." It can be stressful, but please try to understand. While I cannot give all my dwarves the same elaborate lifestyle as yours, I do try to keep them reasonably comfortable, as I do not enjoy murderous rampages.

Speaking of murderous rampages, this is where you and I really must have a frank discussion. I understand that the stresses of leadership can sometimes get to you, and as a nobledwarf, you do have a great deal of power and flexibility in how you choose to relieve that stress. However, even your power must have limits. And while we have all felt the urge to grab a nearby axe and behead a passing plebian, most of us find other ways to express it. I fear however, that your recent evisceration of the legendary Urist McCook, and several other nearby dwarves has taken things a step too far. It is for this reason that with great sadness and a heavy heart that I must unfortunately announce that it is time for us to part company. When you see the militia and the fortress guard arrive to help you with your problems, please do not be afraid, they merely intend to escort you to the walls of our fortress and send you on your way, and certainly not to kill you before you can harm anyone else.

Your friend,
The Overseer

P.S. As an aside to Urist McMayor, I understand that you have a sexual fetish for battle axes, and while I love battle axes too, and yes they are quite awesome, you do not need to mandate my producing another one every five minutes. We have plenty already.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2014, 09:36:44 pm by TV4Fun »
Logged

TV4Fun

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5712 on: May 10, 2014, 10:58:50 pm »

Dear Urist McMommy,

The danger room is called the danger room for a reason. If you are dumb enough to bring your kid in there with you, then please don't cry to me when he gets stabbed.

R/OS
« Last Edit: May 10, 2014, 11:00:46 pm by TV4Fun »
Logged

TV4Fun

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5713 on: May 11, 2014, 01:02:11 am »

Dear Nemo O'ElfMerchant

I understand you are probably very sad and confused after the rest of your caravan was accidentally locked inside the trade depot while it was filled with water. And yes, it was quite fortunate that you were able to find an exit that I hadn't properly blocked off so that you could avoid drowning. Yes, it was a tragic loss, however that was several years ago, and I think it's time for you to go home. As much as I have enjoyed having you as my guests, I think it is best that you exit the moat surrounding the fortress through one of the clearly placed ramps as I am considering either using the moat as a pit for dangerous wild animals, or replacing the water with magma, just a fair warning.

Regards,
Someone who doesn't show up with a caravan full of crappy pieces of wood and then acts like I just wiped a booger off on his shirt when I give hime something in a wooden bin
Logged

Revlakius Javensky

  • Bay Watcher
  • The New Guy
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5714 on: May 11, 2014, 08:57:23 pm »

Dear Everyone,
I understand that you get hungry occasionally, so I have made a quite large stockpile of all the meats and fish one can hope for. Hopefully this ensures no one eats all the Plump Helmet Spawns and causes us to die of thirst. Again.
Your Lord and Master,
Revlakius Javensky
« Last Edit: May 11, 2014, 08:59:54 pm by Revlakius Javensky »
Logged
~ I have no signature
Pages: 1 ... 379 380 [381] 382 383 ... 504