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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1029575 times)

the1337doofus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6135 on: November 11, 2014, 04:54:23 pm »

A Note To the Migrants who wish for entry into the grand fort of Saintaxes:

Feck off, we're full. Unless you're a smith, a soldier, a mason, or a miner, you are not wanted here. If you do somehow make it in, you shall get stripped of your previous "job", and be forced into one of three services: Plant grower and gatherer, cavern scourer, or meat shield.
Personal Bedding will not be provided.
Thank you and have a nice day (outside the gates),

The Management
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Quote from: /k/
Multiple babies means that the force is distributed per baby, so less force total per baby.
burning dwarves is a sign of productivity

Magnumcannon

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6136 on: November 11, 2014, 05:20:17 pm »

Dear UristMcHaulAllDay

Sometimes, hauling beds, statues and useless crap around the fortress is tiring, but stop throwing parties all day, you have 10 beds, some statues and a lot of useless crap to haul. You do your work right or you will be assigned to the most tiring and stressful job this fortress has to offer...which is by the way, hauling.

The not-so-mighty owl overseer

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boddha

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6137 on: November 12, 2014, 12:06:33 pm »

Dear entire population.
There's empty coffins, a corpse stockpile, a refuse stockpile and dumping zones. Please do something with the dead Elk Bird in the dining room.
I see 30 of you just milling around whining about it. Please. Drag it out.

No, that's cool. Just let it rot to a skeleton. That's totally fine.
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MrCompassionate

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6138 on: November 12, 2014, 07:25:36 pm »

Dear Butchers

Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.

I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
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NOW THE DEMONS OF THE UNDERWORLD SHALL SHARE IN MY HELL! NOTHING IS WORSE THAN A RAVEN CORPSE! NOTHING!

Iminyourhouse

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6139 on: November 12, 2014, 08:13:09 pm »

Dear dorfs,

When you mined out the area for the zoo, I didn't mean mine out the stairs and starve yourselfs IN THAT HOLE. I thought you were smarter than this.
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Mister Always

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6140 on: November 15, 2014, 08:41:15 pm »

Dear animal men tribes of the surroundings of Kingpick,

First of all, hello! We are your new neighbours. Yes, we are going to build a massive stone structure in your ancestral homeland and there's nothing you can do about it. Anyway, I don't know if you guys can read or not, so I'm just sticking this letter to that grey langur man that bumbled into one of our cage traps and hoping for the best.

Point being, please don't visit. It sets off the dogs something awful. The echidna men will notice two of their members missing. Dogs. The grey langur men will notice four. Also a dog. And a farmer. Do you get my point?

Warmest wishes,
Overseer McAlways

Dear Kogsak Atekrakust, pet of Shem Tabaratis,

Sit! Roll over! Oooh, who's a good girl? Is it you? I think it's you! Doggy want a bone? Sit up! Beg! Good girl, there ya go!

*ahem* Anyway. You're a very brave dog, killing those four gray langur savages without even any formal war training. I'm gonna chalk that up to your huge muscles. And listen, I don't mind you taking out your frustration on the local animal people. I know how it is, when life gets ya down you just have to tear a living creature apart with your teeth. That's natural. What I am angry about is the fact that you killed one of only two badger boars on the map, thus leaving our current badger domestication program with something of a genetic bottleneck. I don't want inbred badgers, okay? I want them with healthy, shiny coats, keen little eyes and raging bloodlust, so we can proudly present them to the monarch.

So no more killing badgers (except if they're shitty sows) or I'm going to put you on a rope in your master's bedroom forever.

Pets and scritches,
Overseer McAlways
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Splint

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6141 on: November 15, 2014, 08:44:31 pm »

Dear dorfs,

When you mined out the area for the zoo, I didn't mean mine out the stairs and starve yourselfs IN THAT HOLE. I thought you were smarter than this.

You realize where you made a mistake I assume. It's entrusting dwarves to do anything more intelligent besides "Avoid scary thing with sharp object screaming for my blood."

Immortal-D

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6142 on: November 15, 2014, 09:21:16 pm »

Dear Butchers

Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.

I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
Dear Overseer,

We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden.  We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile.  Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it.  Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves

Dwarf4Explosives

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6143 on: November 16, 2014, 05:50:09 am »

Dear Butchers

Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.

I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
Dear Overseer,

We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden.  We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile.  Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it.  Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Also, note that there's a bug currently that mixes up outside and inside refuse orders, which means that if you forbid what is labeled "inside refuse", you're actually forbidding outside refuse.
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And yet another bit of proof that RNG is toying with us. We do 1984, it does animal farm
...why do your hydras have two more heads than mine? 
Does that mean male hydras... oh god dammit.

smeeprocket

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6144 on: November 16, 2014, 06:54:31 am »

I thought that was fixed in the new version...
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Badger Storm

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6145 on: November 16, 2014, 12:20:53 pm »

Dear Hunters Everywhere,

Is it really that hard to pick up your bolts, even after I've reclaimed them?  Also, you're a bunch of lazy bastards and I have no idea why I've got such a soft spot for you guys.


Dear dwarves of Nettaxed,

I'm actually quite proud of you guys.  It took you idiots two years, but you finally dug through the aquifer!  You've also captured several rare animals, including a leopard, a giant lion pair (though the female had to be killed after wrecking one of our war dogs), and the dreaded giant desert scorpion.  Nice work!

Dear elves of The Rain Of Bewilderment,

On one hand, thanks for actually bringing animals and not just a bunch of cloth and grown-wood crap.  On the other hand, the Giant Lion you brought couldn't be female?  Why?  Way to rub salt in the wound of losing our giant lioness, you pointy-eared jerks.  See if I ever bring you snail-shell goodies again.

Sincerely,

Your local avatar of Armok

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Chevaleresse

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6146 on: November 16, 2014, 01:38:07 pm »

Dear Urist McMigrantx50

If you're going to migrate to a new home, you should at least attempt to acquire skills beyond "adequate fish cleaner" and "novice lye maker." We need SMITHS.

also, leave your children at home, they're less likely to be crushed under a bridge there.
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Kumquat

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6147 on: November 18, 2014, 03:55:24 pm »

Dear Urist McHauler,

Why - and how - did you get that giant panda corpse you were supposed to drop into refuse stockpile, into a treetop? You are not an elf, and it is not xmas anyway, the tree was not a spruce, and if a dead panda rotting in a tree is your idea for decoration then perhaps becoming one of those recluses that live on top of tall black towers might better suit your preferences.

No panda roast for you, Urist McHauler. No panda roast for anyone else, either. I hope you like those plum roasts; our legendary cherry pickers have no problems delivering their catch to the stockpiles and we have lots and lots of them.

Dear rest of the hauler corps,

Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.

Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
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Thisfox

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6148 on: November 18, 2014, 04:02:53 pm »


Dear rest of the hauler corps,

Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.

Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.

I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
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Eric Blank

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #6149 on: November 18, 2014, 04:17:51 pm »

Maybe you could try forbidding those seed types from the seed stockpiles. Then make a special stockpile just for them, connected to a mine cart route that dumps them all in magma (actually seeds rot if not stockpiled, right?)
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