This thread has been a great motivation for me in terms of playing Dwarf Fortress. I totally ended up reading the entire thing over the past month or so. Anyways, I've been writing these letters as I progress through my game, and now that I've caught up on the thread, I'm ready to post them.
From my first fort:
Dear Various McLivestock,
I regret to inform you that there have been some deaths lately. Both of the sheep and one of the horses have passed away.
As you are well aware, in this fortress, we encourage all residents, including our precious animals, to basically do whatever they want. Any hobbies they decide to take up in their free time are fine.
However, while I was nothing but impressed by their clear talents and determination in reaching their goals, it is possible that grazing animals were simply not meant to climb trees. After leaving the ground, the three of them found themselves irreparably stuck, and eventually starved to death.
Hopefully, this tragedy will inspire a sense of caution in all of you, and none of you will feel the need to follow in their footsteps. However, as an extra measure, starting today, you have all been assigned to a new pasture, which, coincidentally has no trees anywhere near it.
Sincerely, Overseer McFeelsBadWhenTheAnimalsDie
P.S. Okay, fine. Poultry don't need to eat. If it really makes him happy, the duck can stay in the tree.
~~~
Dear Urist McGelder,
Due to my inexperience and limited vocabulary, it took me several months to realize that you specialized in cutting off animal testicles. For that, I am sorry.
When I finally assigned some animals to be gelded, it was a joy to see you spring into action like all your dreams had been fulfilled. Your efforts have done a great deal to rein in the massive swarm of dogs living in the dining hall.
However, you have now neutered every vaguely applicable animal in the fortress. Gelding is not a skill that frequently sees repeat customers, so there will probably be a limited amount of work for you in the future. I would personally recommend looking into a back up profession beyond 'hanging out in the dining room doing nothing'.
Sincerely, Overseer McSlightlyAmusedThatGeldingIsYourOnlyNonMilitarySkill
~~~
Dear Urist McMigrant and family,
Our fortress is very accessible. You can get to it from pretty much any area of the map. Except for the tiny corner blocked off by the river. It's about three tiles wide. If I didn't make a habit of checking every migrant coming into my fortress, you would have probably starved. I'd ask you to pass this information on to other potential visitors, but since my dwarves went out there and built a bridge specifically for you, there probably won't be any repeat incidents.
Sincerely, Overseer McKindaImpressedByYourCompleteLackOfPlanningSkills
~~~
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,
I think you'll find this fortress has a very welcoming attitude towards pets.
We don't use cages, our meat industry is nonexistent, and if you look in the great hall, you'll see that dogs, cats, and even chickens are free to wander the building with or without their owners.
That said, please pasture your goat. She follows you everywhere, and it is clear you two share a very deep bond. But she needs to graze, and in case you have not noticed, there is no grass growing inside of our fortress.
I've assigned her to a spacious area with some other goats and assorted animals. You can come see her at any time, and if you are still lonely, you may also adopt one of the more indoor-friendly pets residing in the great hall.
Sincerely Overseer McDoesn'tTrustAnyoneToFeedTheirPetsWhenTheyCan'tRememberToFeedTheWounded
P.S. The same goes for the guy who just laid claim on all the baby lambs. You know where they belong, and it's not in your bedroom.
And then from my current fort:
Dear Dakost the Nanny Goat,
I put you up for adoption because you are apparently a more competent fighter than a trained war dog. When a badger attacked the livestock, you mauled it and single handedly drove it off, your only injury being a cut on your head that quickly healed into a badass scar.
Meanwhile, the war dog barely chased his badger away after sustaining several wounds and passing out from the pain.
Hopefully you will be able to live an easy life of retirement from now on, but if the time comes, I trust you will protect your small child from badgers as effortlessly as you protected our livestock.
Thanks, Your Overseer.
~~~
Dear Urist McMigrantMamma,
Yes, I know our chairs are very nice. But aren't you forgetting something? Perhaps your baby? The one you dropped on the ground the second you entered the map?
While he is almost a year old now, and it was very impressive watching him climb down the mountain alone, all the while puking heavily, on account of cave adaption, he really shouldn't have had to do that. I'm disappointed in you.
Sincerely, Overseer McWonderingAboutDwarvenChildProtectionSevices
P.S. Why does he have cave adaptation in the first place? You don't. Is this 'abandoning you child somewhere while you do something else a routine for you??
~~~
Dear Urist McHauler,
Yes, full pots are heavy. You don't like carrying them around, and I can't exactly blame you for that.
But do you think that when I asked you to move the prepared meals pot one tile over, to the new food stockpile, it might possibly have been easier to just do it, instead of removing everything from the pot, putting the individual meals in the stockpile, and then moving the pot?
Sincerely, Overseer McOnlyAmusedBecauseYouDon'tHaveAnythingBetterToDo
~~~
Dear Elves,
I'm afraid we may have given you the wrong impression. Last year, in a fit of horrified revulsion, our mason carved a high quality sculpture of a fly. We traded it to you, not in an attempt to communicate something about this fortress's interests, but because we felt like getting it out of the basement would be comforting to the general population.
On that note, while it was, based on the information you were given, extremely thoughtful of you to bring us that tame giant fly this year, we have absolutely no use for it, and only purchased it to make you feel better. I and our new, worm-hating mason would prefer if in the future, you didn't judge our needs based on one sculptor's bizarre obsession.
Your faithful trading partners, the dwarves of Rashgudid
~~~
Dear Urist McBarfy,
I understand that the sun is super gross, and looking at it is enough to make you puke. I don't hold it against you at all. If anything I respect you all the more for being able to carry out your job while constantly reching.
However, in the interest of not grossing out the traders and planters, would it be possible to aim your barf at the grass, instead of puking all over our garden plots and nice new road?
Sincerely, Overseer McNeatFreak
~~~
Dear Urist McDoesn'tHaveCaveAdaption and friends,
I've noticed you all love cleaning so much that you'll happily wander into the middle of a dog fight if it means you get to mop up some blood. Thanks to you, our fortress probably has most spotless floor for miles.
Could you now direct your attention to the smears of puke and blood outside? I know outdoor cleaning is generally frowned upon, due to the dangers it can bring, but the most dangerous thing in this area is the the occasional badger. We don't get much rain, and the entire courtyard is a mess.
Still wanting things tidy, Overseer McNeatFreak
P.S. If that's beyond your skill level, could you at least start experimenting with cleaning vertical surfaces? Horizontal stains may come and go, but that badger blood has been on the library wall for months.
~~~
Dear Urist McAnimalPasturer and friends,
I really appreciate the work you guys do. If it weren't for you, the poor horses and goats would happily sit around inside and starve. You're the ones who put them in the pasture, and you're the ones who keep them there in the event of badgers trundling in and making the grazers uncomfortable.
However. You're probably aware of the cage traps scattered across the mountain. They're very effective, and we always catch way too much wildlife with them. That is why I developed the pasture based wildlife release method. A dwarf removes the wild animal from it's cage, takes it on a lovely little stroll up the mountain, then releases it into the nice mountain-top pasture I designated specifically for this purpose.
The goal is for the wild animal to wander out of the pasture, and eventually off the map, attaining the status of "no longer my problem".
Therefore, while I absolutely admire your dedication to your jobs, there is no need for you to repeatedly hunt down the aforementioned animal, metaphorically wrestle the poor thing into submission, and then drag it, terrified, back to the pasture that was only ever supposed to be temporary anyways.
Sincerely, Overseer McShouldn'tHaveToUndoPastureDesignationsForAnimalsWhoAlreadyLeftTheMap
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Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves (Read 1490654 times)