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[TV4Fun]

Dear everyone in the fortress,

Yes, I'm aware there is a dead body in the middle of the main passageway. Yes, I'm aware that he was killed by a vampire. This is information we already possess. Unless you have something new to add, there is no need to continue to report this to the captain of the guard. So perhaps some of you could go back to doing your work instead of forming a conga line behind him all trying to report this crime at the same time.

R/OS

[SQman]

Dear Urist McMoodyArmorer,

A gauntlet?

GG, SQman.

[Thisfox]

Dear Dwarves of Portalmile.

There was a mixup, all those bars of metal were brass, not bronze.
I understand. I think I've gotten rid of all the cancellation spam.

Armour is going to continue to be made of copper in the near future.
Unless someone can mood up and make us some brass armour, of course.

On the positive side, there are goblinite attacks arriving annually,
and we now have a lot of brass furniture and brass goblets. So things could be worse.

--The Overseer.

[wierd]

brass is pretty heavy, considering;  Load it into a now deadly coinstar installed in a hallway for your greenskinned friends. It wont be able to penetrate goblin armor, but concussive injury can penetrate armor on occasion. You just need enough impacts.

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McHammerer,

Yes, putting stuff in bins is important. You know what's more important? Punishing vampires. Right now there are no less than three wandering around free while awaiting your hammerstrikes. Perhaps you could do something about that.

R/OS

[Grimlocke]

Dear Miners of DankAbbey,

Freezing volumes of water are not portals to a alternate dimension of booze and no work. Jumping onto a puddle of water that exists for half a second before, somehow, turning into a solid wall of ice does NOT transport you to the land of leisure.

Any of the remaining quarter of the once 20-strong mining workforce who insist on trying anyway will be dug out, refrozen in a public location and engraved with offensive images.

With the greatest scorn,

Your everloving overseer.

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McHammerer,

WTF? http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/view.php?id=10176

R/OS

[Maul_Junior]

Dear Kivish Runlance.

Yeah, uh.....good job turning Legendary +5 Gem Cutter. From, um.....cutting rocks. I always wait to have Legendary Gem Cutters before turning you loose on the actual, you know, gems. Didn't expect you to be rank 20 so quickly.

thanks for helping get rid of all the stone in the project areas.

........

....yeah.......Unfortunately there's still a lot of stone that needs to be cleared out, so if you could just, uh, keep doing what you're doing, um....and maybe come into work on Catursplosionday, that'd be great.



....uh, yeah.....Thanks for being the first Dwarf to Mood, like 3-4 years ago. That Moss Agate Flask "Scornworry" was kind of awesome.

I mean, it was so impressive that 2 Artifacts later, Scornworry's creation (and your own person) was immortalized in Cacklemarked, a Jet Figurine.

I just wish that the Artifact after yours wasn't a Cat Bone Mace.

freaking really? Although I have to imagine that the single cut gem depicted in Spider Silk on "Treasuredrum" the cat bone mace is a reference to you.

I feel bad, now. I promoted the Weaponsmith to the Barony because I wasn't paying attention to the artifacts past "Ooh, another one."

But guess what? I'm going to give you your own squad, in which you will wield Scornworry, your flask, Treasuredrum (sorry, but The Daggers of Delight, the Artifact Iron Spear will be given to someone intended for combat, not an honorary military member given his own squad so I can dress you up like a doll), wear "Fragrantcrests the Cold Utterances" the Frilly Rope Reed Artifact Shirt, and you will sleep in a bedroom with Masterwork Engravings (once our damn engraver gets his ass in gear and gets up past Skilled--despite the fact he's been working for literally years now), with Cacklemarked, your own Artifact Action Figure, in its own stockpile next to your bed, "The Honesty of Coils," the bugbat bone Artifact.

I am so sorry I didn't recognize how awesome you are (and considering your only like is "Flasks," your demands would have been easily met ), and made someone else a Noble over you.

Hopefully your Artifact collection (and possibly Inek's current Artifact he's working on) will suffice.

Soon, very soon, once we've got the Magma cistern set up and filled, and the Magma workshops set up, I will set you up in a bunker far away from the suface and the caverns--and you will be able to carve all our best gems until you're sick.


P.S. Dear Urist Amith.

What the hell? You make an Artifact Iron Spear, sure.

But you were so uncreative the picture you put on the Spear was a picture of the self-same Spear you're making?


P.P.S. Dear Kitten. You were just stung by a bee. Maybe, I don't know, stay away from the like 30 hives I've set up way the hell away from the entrance to the Fort?

Also, don't think I haven't noticed your kind breeding out of control on top of our food. While it does keep the vermin population near the food supply non-existent, I do not need TWENTY-EIGHT CATS.

A pogrom will be issued shortly to thin out your number down to 3. It would be less but two of your female members are named. And I do want a male. Because I want to be able to shut this fort away from the world for a few hundred years and not have to worry about vermin being out of control.



Dear Elves.

What the hell? We haven't cut down a tree in--we cut down like 20 trees last year at most. the treepocalypse was YEARS ago. we're STILL trying to use up all the wood from then.

Why are you pissy NOW?

[Thisfox]

Dear dwarves of Portalmile.

The gatherers who went missing last year have just been found by a woodcutter. This appears to be connected to the announcements last harvesting season that grey langurs had been stealing stepladders. They are being given a decent burial, and some nice decorated slabs were already placed in the wellroom for you to admire when they first started to go missing. There is no need to panic, or stop carrying firewood we desperately need for the forges. A memorial service will be held in the temple for those who need to contemplate the stupidity of two dwarves who couldn't climb out of a tree even though its branches were up against a slope on one side and could have been walked out of without difficulty.

Thankyou.
The Overseer.

[Nikita]

Dear Marksdwarves, "station" means "GET HERE IMMEDIATELY", not "listen to poetry".

--- next week ---

Dear Marksdwarves, when placed next to a fortification, your purpose is to shoot goblin invaders. Not talk with them.

--- next week ---

Dear Marksdwarves, when placed in an artifical arena and faced with a squad of goblins who have no way of reaching you, jumping into the pit of death is not a good tactic, even if one of the goblins fell there first.

--- next week ---

Dear Chief Medical Dwarf:
Eh, good enough.

[TV4Fun]

Dear all dwarves,

When you see someone who "has the appearance of someone one thousand and twenty-three years old," they are a vampire. Please let me know about them before they kill someone.

Remember, if you see something, say something.

R/OS

[Maul_Junior]

Dear Urist McHaulers:

Thank you so VERY much for being so distracted by the multitude of Crundle corpses that you didn't get to the Forgotten Beast corpse before it rotted.

I realize this is basically the first time we're looting this cavern, and that the FB has killed a LOT of Crundles in here, but really.

GREAT form letting all that super-expensive FB meat go to waste.

[Eric Blank]

Dear dorfs,

Let the militia handle the grey langurs and buzzards. Just do the building. Ignore the wildlife. Do not attempt to punch the wildlife. Do not attempt to feed the wildlife.

Regards, overseer

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McMayor,



You see that yellow 1? That's you. Why is everyone else so happy and you are so miserable. I am generally concerned that you may be suffering from some form of depression. Please seek help.

R/OS

[Maul_Junior]

Dear past self.

Did you REALLY need to make like a thousand bags? We're sending them all the the Trade Depot


Two weeks later

Oh MY GOD. How many of these fucking things are there? There's STILL a steady stream of dwarves hauling them away from the magma glass furnace! Moving all these bags out is SINGLE-HANDEDLY uncluttering the furnace!