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[Monomstodir]

.....how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....


Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases

[spazyak]

.....how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....


Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases

gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread

[Derpy Dev]

.....how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....


Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases

gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread

Purge the heretics.

[Moonstone_Flower]

Lack of booze doesn't cause dwarves to puke. Excessive consumption of booze, sunlight, some syndromes or gutpunches do.

I know.  This was from cave adaptation, it just happened to coincide with having 6 units of booze left.  I chose to interpret it this way* for hilarity reasons.

[ * ]  "This way" being "The world's about to end, lads!  Puke yer guts up in a panic, quick as you can!"

[Moonstone_Flower]

Dear Fortress-naming Comittee of the Mountainous Homes:

What in the name of curds were you lot smoking when you decided to name our outpost "Cheeseballs"?

[Eric Blank]

Cheeseballs. What do you think?

[TubaDragoness]

This is why you always read the paperwork before you sign anything! v:

Dear militia of Paperweights: When I put out an order for your squad to meet at a station, or suddenly order a kill, it usually means lives are at stake. Perhaps you can bear this in mind and make a little more haste? You guys have adequate armor training to handle the iron equipment you're wearing, and you move fast enough when it comes to claiming a drink or a new sock for yourselves...

[Walrusking]

Urists,

It has come to our attention that the recent werelizard infestation has caught multiple people who were put into hospitals. As per quarantine procedures, the hospitals were meant to be boarded up. It would seem we’ve contained the situation until I get bored or begin work on the werelizard war beast project.
Now if you would kindly stop sealing yourselves into the infected hospitals, that would be nice. Half of the victims are almost legendary dorfs, you should know better!

EDIT: We're opening up the quarantine zones now, since one of the werechameleons has become a ghost and is harassing the nearby dwarves in the dining room. If everyone could please swiftly move the bodies to the coffins before the mias- oh, well I see the resulting miasma has driven two dwarves insane. I'm afraid the rest of you will have to deal with your babbling kin a bit longer.

EDIT EDIT: It would seem someone left a werelizard unchecked. Not sure how this one got away, but we've not got nine dwarves bitten. Crowd control's going to be nightmare from here on out. Have fun!

[Derro]

Dear dwarves,

If a forgotten beast emerges from the cave lake and begins killing people, I suggest running away rather than coming to see where all that noise is coming from. And if you die, at least have the courtesy to do it on dry land: now two of you are going to rot away at the bottom of the lake.

[deathpunch578]

dear Urist mclowly peasant,

there are plenty of buckets, the river is close to the fort, so stop drinking and eating our limited supplies and start getting the farm muddied.

-deathpunch578

[Gigabytebob]

Dear Urist Mckillbold

Please stop killing us kobolds it hurts our feelings :[ we just want some of your shines

[Derro]

Dear dwarves,

If a forgotten beast emerges from the cave lake and begins killing people, I suggest running away rather than coming to see where all that noise is coming from. And if you die, at least have the courtesy to do it on dry land: now two of you are going to rot away at the bottom of the lake.

Dear dwarves,

The whole 'do not run towards the monster' applies to FB attacks in general, in case you didn't get that. The two dozen dead clearly don't, at the very least.

[MoonstoneFace]

Dear Queen,

Why is the outpost liason a goblin.

I don't like the fact that you let a GODDAMN BABYSNATCHER into our civilisation.

[NESgamer190]

To the dwarves of the current fort:

Dwarves, I can't be too cheesed off with the fact you all get that feeling to build an artifact for the civilization, but perhaps a suggestion for the future artifact aspirants?  Avoid being possessed next time?  It'll definitely help you develop far better than if you had a possessed mood tell you how to make their artifact.  Regardless, it is also concerning that you made an artifact mitten.  Can you even wear those things without fear of it melting away on your person?

With regards,

The overseer who is fairly disappointed with the dwarves for being possessed for two artifacts thus far.

[Kagus]

Dear Commander of the Militia of Godlybrass


I am writing this with deep sympathy for the strains of your position. You are responsible for the security and welfare of our people (a weighty task in and of itself, seeing as our fortress is completely open on both ends), and for maintaining order in our humble hillock. You spend your time tirelessly drilling the new recruits into something almost resembling an actual military (at least those who remembered to pick up a weapon), as well as taking full part in the daily duties of a civilian militia; standing long watches, patrolling the fortress proper, and hauling things from one place to another.  It's taxing, I know, and I know that the burden of authority weighs heavily on your shoulders.

However, "accidentally" leaving your artifact bronze shield out in the sheep pasture because of a scheduling conflict is entirely unacceptable. Further, not realizing your mistake until the goblins arrived and your squad was commanded to defend the fort's primary chokepoint, only for you to run out into the field to replace the irreplaceable artifact with the random leather buckler lying on the ground, is what some would consider outright irresponsible.

Similarly, failing to inform higher command of your errors, and leaving me to learn of this breach of protocol by reading the letter of gratitude sent by the kea who is now the new owner of your priceless artifact, well... It all reflects rather poorly on your capabilities as commander.

Hopefully you will not make the same mistakes again now that the world has forcibly reset itself after the goblin siege massacred not only the entirety of your squad, but also the system process running our universe.


Sincerely yours,
The Overseer