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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1473274 times)

HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7455 on: February 20, 2021, 08:12:34 pm »

By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,

When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit.  The Enemy will descend to you.

Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.

To:  her moldy undead tragedy.
Re:  Military strategy.

What?  You provided us w’a path!  Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em!  A wars a war, lass,  those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.

Signed:  Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.

Good Dwarf, if Walls were Paths the Fortress would have neither Ramps nor Stairs.

orius

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7456 on: February 26, 2021, 12:40:49 pm »

Dear Urist McTalkstoHerself:

If you want to socialize, you might want to try the tavern or library where all the dorfs are hanging out instead of the empty hospital.  Just a thought.

Your Overseer.
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Quote from: ThatAussieGuy
That is an insane and dangerous plan.  I approve wholeheartedly. 


Fortressdeath

k9wazere

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7457 on: March 06, 2021, 06:59:49 pm »

Dear pride of dorf Werepanthers,

Why did you tear each other to shreds? You used to get along. How you would play and frolic as kittens.

Did you know, I was prepared to sacrifice a whole fort of "norms", to achieve a small pride of your kind?

But you are too unstable. You need to recognise the scent of your own kind as friendly.

Regards,
A very disappointed overseer.
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lazygun

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7458 on: March 15, 2021, 10:45:43 am »

To the mason Melbil Splashspears,

Yes, before I assigned you to a squad I should have checked your temperament. Nervous wrecks do not belong in the army.

I'm sorry the undead undead camel sekeltons left behind after the necromancer siege upset you. But now that the damage has been done, I am trying to make amends. You have light duties, a library with three books you haven't yet read (which you ignore, preferring to cry to the expedition leader about having nothing to read), you have a wonderful temple (which you ignore, preferring to scream to the expedition leader about having no chance to worship your gods) a tavern for you to make friends in (which you ignore, preferring to moan to the expedition leader about not being able to meet friends)

Now that you've been removed from the military I'm sure you'll be complaining soon about having no excitement in your life. I swear, if you do that I'm going to draft you into your own squad and station you right under the atom-smasher!

Your overseer, who is losing patience quickly.
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nezclaw

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7459 on: March 23, 2021, 08:42:31 pm »

Dear Urist McLame-o

While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.

-yours, the Overseer
« Last Edit: March 23, 2021, 10:05:19 pm by nezclaw »
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Dawnthunder: It menaces with spikes of tetanus
After the fire had burned down all of the wooden next boxes on the surface, Mottled Petrel was reluctant to replace them with more wooden nest boxes. Instead, he placed the remaining store of wooden nest boxes in the dormitory for any aspiring koopa mothers.

The nest boxes were immediately overrun by helmet snakes.

Thisfox

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7460 on: March 30, 2021, 07:24:19 pm »

Dear Urist McLame-o

While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.

-yours, the Overseer

Dear Overseer Nezclaw

You got all upset with Urist McMetalcrafter over there for using up half the ferrous supply, the last of the cave spider silk and a  shell on his stupid figurine of magma crabs, so at least I made you something functional! Give me a break, I know metals are scarce, I didn't insist everyone try to eat shelled food, I didn't even use up too much metal making the glove a pair. Tell me what you want made, and I'll make it for you! I'm legendary now!

--Urist McLame,
(who is only lame because your doctor needs someone to make some soap before I get an infection in this here foot...)
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Mules gotta spleen. Dwarfs gotta eat.
Thisfox likes aquifers, olivine, Forgotten Beasts for their imagination, & dorfs for their stupidity. She prefers to consume gin & tonic. She absolutely detests Facebook.
"Urist McMason died out of pure spite to make you wonder why he was suddenly dead"
Oh god... Plump Helmet Man Mimes!

nezclaw

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7461 on: April 01, 2021, 05:13:00 pm »

Dear Urist McLame-o

While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.

-yours, the Overseer

Dear Overseer Nezclaw

You got all upset with Urist McMetalcrafter over there for using up half the ferrous supply, the last of the cave spider silk and a  shell on his stupid figurine of magma crabs, so at least I made you something functional! Give me a break, I know metals are scarce, I didn't insist everyone try to eat shelled food, I didn't even use up too much metal making the glove a pair. Tell me what you want made, and I'll make it for you! I'm legendary now!

--Urist McLame,
(who is only lame because your doctor needs someone to make some soap before I get an infection in this here foot...)

*flips through notes* i don't have anything on an artifact figurine of magma crabs? are you sober?
but all right, i'll ease up, seeing as the gauntlet is the most valuable artifact produced in this fort.
Logged
Dawnthunder: It menaces with spikes of tetanus
After the fire had burned down all of the wooden next boxes on the surface, Mottled Petrel was reluctant to replace them with more wooden nest boxes. Instead, he placed the remaining store of wooden nest boxes in the dormitory for any aspiring koopa mothers.

The nest boxes were immediately overrun by helmet snakes.

nezclaw

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7462 on: April 04, 2021, 12:09:48 pm »

To the dwarves of Towngrowl,

When the burrow alarm sounds, you are supposed to drop everything and run. The loss of our mason is a tragedy, but take this moment to learn from his mistake, and remember to DROP THE DAMN ROCK, else you will be too slow to evade the MASSIVE MURDERCRICKET bearing down on you.

Yours, the overseer
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Dawnthunder: It menaces with spikes of tetanus
After the fire had burned down all of the wooden next boxes on the surface, Mottled Petrel was reluctant to replace them with more wooden nest boxes. Instead, he placed the remaining store of wooden nest boxes in the dormitory for any aspiring koopa mothers.

The nest boxes were immediately overrun by helmet snakes.

A_Curious_Cat

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7463 on: April 06, 2021, 04:13:08 am »

By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,

When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit.  The Enemy will descend to you.

Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.

To:  her moldy undead tragedy.
Re:  Military strategy.

What?  You provided us w’a path!  Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em!  A wars a war, lass,  those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.

Signed:  Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.

Good Dwarf, if Walls were Paths the Fortress would have neither Ramps nor Stairs.

To:  her mangey diseased travesty
Re: Re: Re:  Military Strategy

O’course walls ‘re paths!  If y’didn’t want us takin’ ‘em, y’shoulda smoothed t’walls of the pit so we cou’n’t climb down and made t’pit deep enough that w’couldn’t jump down ei’er.  Ano’er thing y’coulda done is to provide us w’fortifications w’a roof o’er our heads.

Also, remember tha’, if y’don’ like t’way we do it, y’can just use magma instead!

Magma fixes all problems!

Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
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HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7464 on: April 06, 2021, 02:56:43 pm »

To:  her mangey diseased travesty
Re: Re: Re:  Military Strategy

O’course walls ‘re paths!  If y’didn’t want us takin’ ‘em, y’shoulda smoothed t’walls of the pit so we cou’n’t climb down and made t’pit deep enough that w’couldn’t jump down ei’er.  Ano’er thing y’coulda done is to provide us w’fortifications w’a roof o’er our heads.

Also, remember tha’, if y’don’ like t’way we do it, y’can just use magma instead!

Magma fixes all problems!

Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.

May We remind you that all the affected Squads were stationed at the Bottom of the Pit, and that the first Course of Walls was indeed smoothed?

Also, there were Stairs.

recon1o6

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7465 on: April 11, 2021, 04:46:33 pm »

Dear urist Mcguard captain

Stop getting your socks in a twist. There's a good reason the artifact "Irondiamond and the hammer of grass" is missing from its proper place

its there, being read by Urist Mcbookworm. Exactly like he was doing last week and the week before. He's made a copy of it just three months ago


From the Overseer
Logged
Urist McRecon cancels make exploding booze: Interrupted by bad idea
Urist McRecon cancels bad idea: missing raw files
Urist McRecon cancels add raw files: Interrupted by fortress mode
Urist McRecon cancels play fortress mode: Needs exploding booze
Urist McRecon cancels acquire exploding booze: No materials

Atarlost

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7466 on: April 14, 2021, 12:27:47 am »

Dear Urists mcSoldiers

Good job, really.  Except you Vabok.  You know what you did. 

But maybe all but one of you can wait until you're off duty to report that an artifact is missing.  Especially when I've demonstrated that I already know by having the "bard" responsible terminated.  After action reports are important, but so is keeping you in the artifact vault so nothing else goes missing while we wait for the misplaced artifact to be returned and the new artifact to be installed on its pedestal. 

Reporting thefts is important, but so is keeping at least one of you guarding in the room you've been ordered to guard. 
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armads

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7467 on: July 21, 2021, 04:10:12 pm »

Dear Urist McBoltLoader,

I'm glad you finally got around to loading those ten crossbows into that weapon trap. I am! Really. However, why have you decided that the best course of action is to load ten crossbows worth of ammo into it... one bolt at a time? Is this some union policy? You don't seem to have any kind of guild I'm aware of. And yet, you continue to run back and forth, to the weapon trap and then back to the stockpile, dozens of times, each time loading a single bolt into the trap.

Now, I know what you said. Crossbowmen are useless! Not only can you not get them to shoot at the targets half the time, but in real combat their first instinct is to try and use their crossbows as hammers! A ha, said I, but if we use traps then we have a use for all these bolts I made!

And yet you somehow have managed to find a way to make this take longer than my desire to surround the entrance to my base with masterwork steel spiked balls. Why exactly are you loading the bolts to a trap with ten crossbows in it individually? Even worse, you're talking the bolts out of random piles of bolts, meaning lots of them now have strange numbers of bolts in them!

Shape up, or I'm going to give you a 'dwarven haircut'.

edit: I have found that actually, what the dwarves are doing is taking a stack of bolts, carrying the full stack to the trap, putting a single bolt into the trap, and then re-storing the now 1-bolt missing stack of bolts back into the stockpile. So they're creating numerous extra hauling jobs for no reason!
« Last Edit: July 21, 2021, 05:08:51 pm by armads »
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Thisfox

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7468 on: August 07, 2021, 07:29:18 pm »

Attention inhabitants of Fortressgripped. The temple is now walled off due to it containing a fiery flaming butterfly of doom which keeps throwing fireballs. We shall commence digging a new temple, as soon as someone puts out the fire in the food storage area, and the burning human running in circles in the library.
Please be aware the fireball-breathing beast in the temple is NOT a god, and does not require worship.
Can someone PLEASE put out the human before he sets everything else on fire?
--Management.
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Mules gotta spleen. Dwarfs gotta eat.
Thisfox likes aquifers, olivine, Forgotten Beasts for their imagination, & dorfs for their stupidity. She prefers to consume gin & tonic. She absolutely detests Facebook.
"Urist McMason died out of pure spite to make you wonder why he was suddenly dead"
Oh god... Plump Helmet Man Mimes!

A_Curious_Cat

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7469 on: August 07, 2021, 09:38:03 pm »

Dear (former) dwarves of Mirrorsplashed:

As you well know, Mirrorsplashed met it’s end at the hands of a wereape.

We couldn’t stop the wereape because we had no military.

We had no military because we lacked the minimum necessary equipment.

We lacked the minimum necessary equipment because our weaponsmith/armorsmith had just begun to make them.

Our weaponsmith/armorsmith had just begun to make them because they had just received the first copper bars.

They had just received the first copper bars because the had just been smelted.

The copper bars had just been smelted because the necessary charcoal had finally become available.

The charcoal finally became available because, after nearly two years, one of you (despite several of you having “wood burner” enabled) finally got off your ass and decided to start making charcoal instead of hauling logs and stones around!

Sincerely,  your (former) overseer.

Rest in pieces.
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Really hoping somebody puts this in their signature.
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