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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1473308 times)

Quarque

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7470 on: August 11, 2021, 12:58:16 pm »

Ah, dwarf fortress. The game where experts players take years of study and learn the deepest secrets of the game, wich allows them to actually get a dwarf to do a basic task.
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brewer bob

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7471 on: August 14, 2021, 10:58:15 am »

Dear Urist McSockFetcher and Urist McWoodHauler,

What in the world made you think it is a good idea to head outside into the blazing inferno after the dragon attack? Now I know I didn't realize to forbid your dropped ☼pig tail socks☼ (that you had for some reason ditched in the woods) and I missed a couple of logs, but why, oh why did you think the proper place to take a nap is right next to the wildfire? Your friend Urist McSmarterDwarf knew that fire tends to spread and dwarves are flammable, so he avoided the flames and is well and alive because of it. The two of you are not. There's something for you to think in the afterlife now that you both have been reduced to a pile of ashes.

Sincerely,
Your not-so-impressed Overseer

ps. I will certainly not memorialize you, so your tormented souls are free to return as ghosts.

Mobbstar

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7472 on: August 17, 2021, 09:04:31 am »

Dear Urist McPeasant,

I am glad we agree on the presence of a perfectly fine rock block for building walls with, and that the cavern wall could be raised with it. And I am also aware that there was a tree branch blocking the way to the far end of the wall.

However, said tree is long gone. So why do you still claim that one tidbit be inaccessible?

Signed, your dear overseer.


P.S. in an alternate timeline, the tree fell before the walls were built, and somehow that made your troglodytic brain click.

(Edit: using different image source; if you read this, i did a history preservation for YOU!)
« Last Edit: September 30, 2023, 03:32:24 am by Mobbstar »
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HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7473 on: October 25, 2021, 07:45:11 pm »

Dear Besmar Helmsprayed,

We fully understand why, having escaped the River, you chose not to attempt to swim to the near Bank.

We understand why, having fallen into the River, you ended up on the far Bank.

We even understand why you thought the Terrain was dangerous.

However, We do not understand how building a Pump caused you to fall in.  Two other Dwarfs within this very Fortress proved able to build from the Riverbank without incident, and I have had many Structures built by Water-Edge without having any Dwarfs fall into the Water, so what caused you to fall in?

By My Hand,

Her Most Dread Majesty.

Durmatagno

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7474 on: October 25, 2021, 09:03:24 pm »

Dear UristMcHammerDwarf

I have several questions. First and most importantly, why is it that every time you end your month of training, you take off your pants? None of the rest of the uniform, just your pants. Every time the squads swap training, your pants come off, you run to the armor stockpile, and grab an identical pair. I have checked, they are the same quality, so why do you insist on taking off your pants.

Dear UristMcNicknamedHammerDwarf

I don't know where you came from, but I thank you. Despite being in full iron plate, with shield and hammer, you decided to tackle a Troll, bite it's face, and shake it around till you quite literally tore it's head off. I would promote you to captain of the squad, but alas, your husband is already the captain and is a better leader than you. Still, I am making you a dedicated tomb, because I fear what would happen should you ever come back as a ghost.

Finally

Dear UristMcScribe

Why do you seem to think the best place to read codexes and scrolls is by the butchery? There's no zone there, nothing connected to the library, but you run down to the library, grab a book, then park yourself in front of my butchery, and proceed to puke everywhere if one of my hunters succeeds. I have many questions, but mostly...why did you only start doing this when I put you in a burrow? You are no longer in the burrow, for that butchery is outside it's confines, but since ending the SIEGE alert, you have done this. Why? Did Hammer-Nudist put you up to this? She is your wife....
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Thisfox

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7475 on: October 26, 2021, 02:58:27 am »

Dear Urist McMechanic,
We have found your trousers.
They were in the pump you assembled.
Please put them back on.
Much love,
The denizens of Gateclouts.
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Mules gotta spleen. Dwarfs gotta eat.
Thisfox likes aquifers, olivine, Forgotten Beasts for their imagination, & dorfs for their stupidity. She prefers to consume gin & tonic. She absolutely detests Facebook.
"Urist McMason died out of pure spite to make you wonder why he was suddenly dead"
Oh god... Plump Helmet Man Mimes!

HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7476 on: October 28, 2021, 05:20:35 pm »

To Whom it may concern:

Please check for Dwarfs before dumping Items, so as to avoid further Injuries.

Checking for Cats and Kittens to avoid future Fatalities would be appreciated, but not required.

Thank you.

By My Hand,

Her Most Dread Majesty.

Maloy

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7477 on: October 28, 2021, 05:44:34 pm »

Dear citizens

When removing staircases that overhang 20 z-levels above the caverns please ensure that you are not standing on the same staircase you are in the process removing as this is a very good way to lethally injure oneself

from Health and Safety

Durmatagno

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7478 on: October 30, 2021, 02:47:52 am »

Dear Military Urists.

It is I Durmatagno AKA Lord Hamster, you're humble overseer and master of dark magics.

Fortress Copperscale is thriving. We've had only two major attacks, both of which ended with only a few of our brave grizzlies injured. You have done well in dismembering zombies, and humans on horses who thought you would make easy prey. Unfortunately, I have a few complaints.

First off, which one of you keeps dumping their stew in the entry way? The stew is your rations, I can see your fellow dwarves either have eaten theirs, or still have them. That said, every time a fight finishes, there is a stew left on the ramp leading into the entry hall. Llama Heart stew, blueberry stew, and twice now potato stew. It's only ever one at a time, so which one of you is just dumping it there after a fight? If I don't get an answer soon, you will no longer get days off.

Secondly, could you please stop going to the bridge that seals our dump? There is nothing in that room but a spot to dump garbage, and then you leave to dump it into the pit where it can rot into miasma without bothering anyone. So tell me, why are there three steel morningstars down there? I didn't order any of those dumped, I don't mass dump, and they didn't come from our prisoners. We currently can't retrieve them, on account of the four zombie goblins loitering around down there occasionally getting slapped by falling junk. They are there because you guys didn't want to kill them, just kept slapping them, despite having weapons.

Finally, please do not scare the kobolds. There's only 33 known to be left alive, and six of them are in our zoo. There is a window there, and they aren't hostile, they aren't even the one surviving thief that still shows up every spring. It is only three of you in the Axe Squad, every time you go to the viewing area, you freak out and they scatter to hide in the back. We are trying to domesticate and repopulate them, you scarring them in such a way is not conducive to this. If this does not end, I will send you down to deal with the Iron-skinned monster hanging around in the waterways of the caverns.

PS. Dearest Baroness, you have had your title for one year, and your only mandates have been to ban the exporting of Querns, and the production of helms, which we already export. So I cannot understand why you appear to be one of the only unhappy dwarves in the fort. Thankfully you do not tantrum, but you seem upset that you aren't copying scrolls and codexes anymore. I don't know why, you are still the official scribe of our library, if this continues I will have to remove you from the position and give you a few months to cool down before I let you actually go back to it.
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HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7479 on: October 30, 2021, 05:46:58 pm »

To Whom It May Concern:

Werezebras are dangerous, tiresome, and inspire Thoughts of Vengeance. continue to topple statues.  Stick to Vampires, or We shall cast your Temples in Obsidian. ban your cults.

By My Hand, From the hand of Rovod Nosesmith, mayor of Fleshyfenced,

Her Most Dread Majesty

Schmaven

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7480 on: November 10, 2021, 06:20:21 am »

Dear Urist Pumpoperator,
When a pump has been built, there is no need to immediately begin pumping by hand.  I will let you know when it is safe to pump.  You have killed 2 dwarves...
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Moonstone_Flower

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7481 on: November 11, 2021, 12:40:47 am »

Dear Urist Pumpoperator,
When a pump has been built, there is no need to immediately begin pumping by hand.  I will let you know when it is safe to pump.  You have killed 2 dwarves...

From the private journal of Urist "Totally Not A Psychopath" Pumpoperator:
"I kill two dwarves in the morning, I kill two dwarves at night.  I kill two dwarves in the afternoon..."
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Grand Master Depressive
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Magmacube_tr

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7482 on: November 11, 2021, 11:22:55 am »

Dear Urist McBuilder;

Please try to build the walls I ordered faster when I am trying to dig through a light aquifer. You just had to wait around being useless before the stairway fully flooded and blocked water blocked access. Now I have to either find a way to get the water out, or dig out an entirely new tunnel.

Signed
Magma
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A_Curious_Cat

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7483 on: November 12, 2021, 09:42:06 pm »

Dear Magma;

Why don’ ye apply yerself t’ the problem?

Signed
Urist McBuilder
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HMD Majesty

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #7484 on: November 22, 2021, 11:13:13 pm »

To Our Milkers,

We have ample Buckets in Our Stockpile.  Stop using the Hospital Buckets.

By Our Hand,

Her Most Dread Majesty


[/hr]

What were you doing Outside?  We had ordered you all Inside for the Winter!
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