Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 ... 9 10 [11] 12 13 ... 504

Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1517498 times)

Medicine Man

  • Bay Watcher
  • Pile the bodies, set them aflame.
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #150 on: August 30, 2010, 09:30:18 am »

Dear Urist

HOW DARE YOU BE IMMUNE TO MAGMA DUE TO A MOD GLITCH YOU BASTARD!

Signed, REALLYangryplayer
Logged

Shootandrun

  • Bay Watcher
  • Silence is the answer.
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #151 on: August 30, 2010, 01:45:27 pm »

To Urist McMigrant

Yes, we closed the gates. But dont be sad: it was to lead you to the "Way of the fun" and the "Room of the love", in wich you and your friends will be able to test our iron menacings pikes, our dragon-based defense system, and after that you will have access to the room of love.

PS: if i was you, i would not pull that lever. Your room of love could become really hot, really fast.
PPS: Dont care if you see a friend diing. Its normal.
PPPS: Dont place blood every where, please.
Logged

deoxys413

  • Bay Watcher
  • Space. It's quiet, too quiet...
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #152 on: August 30, 2010, 02:29:13 pm »

Dear Urist,

I'm well aware that the quickest path to two objects is a straight line. However, if said straight line is through a river in midst of thawing, one would presume that the loud cracking and shifting of ice floes would tip you off that the quickest way may not be the most health-efficient. Oh well, I'm sure the carpenter can take over your woodcutting duties...

Signed,
           Mildly Miffed
Logged
WATER is the universal solvent.
MAGMA is the universal solution.

cog disso

  • Bay Watcher
  • Current Fortress: Hatchetminds
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #153 on: August 30, 2010, 02:44:03 pm »

   
♫ Ceci n'est pas une furry maggot...
Logged
Urist McShrodinger likes unobservable properties for their haunting implications.

AzureAngelic

  • Bay Watcher
  • is waiting for dwarves to invent large blenders
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #154 on: August 30, 2010, 03:41:30 pm »

Dear Urist McMiner,

Please refrain from removing the expertly-designed stone flooring in inappropriate order whilst working above the fortress. Should this occur again, you will be relegated to masonry duty and ordered to repair the large hole punched 30 z-levels downward.

-Management
Logged
Urist McFodder cancels Breathe: Interrupted by Goblin.
Urist McAwesome unleashes the magma floods!
Gobbo Steve cancels Attack: Interrupted by Lava.
Lava cancels Kill Goblin: Interruped by Fungiwood.
Urist McAwesome cancels Live: Taken by depression.
Urist McAwesome has perished in lava.

MadJax

  • Bay Watcher
  • Magma Muppet
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #155 on: August 30, 2010, 03:56:56 pm »

Attention all citizens of Hawkhelms,

I have been asked a string of questions about our military practices recently, and after careful observation, have written this short guide for when if useless migrant cheesemaker and animal dissectors fresh recruits are ever needed:

1) Dodging demonstrations are important, I understand this, as are fighting and striking demonstrations. Listen to your instructors to avoid magma and water based incidents when avoiding killing blows. Don't, for the love of Armok, decide to take a nap during these demonstrations. I explicitly ordered 7 of the 10 of you to be training, and I know full well 2 of your comrades are in hospital after heroically slaughtering goblins.

2) 2 or 3 of your comrades have a kill list as long as their weapons. After 4 solid years of combat and training, you are expected to achieve at least one kill. What the hell Fun is going on?!

3) A siege or ambush is coming, you've all been ordered to the gates to await combat to arrive through the bottleneck and traps. You have plenty of warning, you were drafted at least a year ago. So for the love of Armok tell me why you are NOW picking up your equipment. You were ordered to keep it on even if off duty. Actually...

3a) Equipment mismatch??! MISMATCH?! It's a f&*&ing master steel gauntlet. I have 20-30 spare in case of breakage or loss. What, is it the wrong f&^ing colour for you?! Doesn't match your nails?!

4) I appreciate all the work you have done over the years Urist McChampion, but when you insist on running into battle with your pet kitten against a titan/FB/ major siege, don't take it out on the others or our lovely buildings if said kitten is turned to paste. Leave it at home or at the butchers.

And finally:

5) If you have been asked to join the city guard, you have the authority to arrest or issue beatings with necessary force. Necessary force does not mean slicing off limbs or major living parts (Heads, legs, ENTIRE F^$&ING TORSOS). Yes the "Legendary" looks intimidating, and yes that miner is as tough as the rock he digs, but he's no more deadly than the f***ing goats you run away from you pansy.


Failure to comply will result in pulling of our patented "Noble Happy Fun Time Lever".

-Overseer MadJax
Logged
Dwarven Math:

Dorf + Magma + Insane Project = SCIENCE!

Flaede

  • Bay Watcher
  • Beware the Moon Creatures.
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #156 on: August 30, 2010, 04:09:49 pm »

I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended, and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.

Dear Urist,

There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?

 - Hopeless Matchmaker
Logged
Toady typically doesn't do things by half measures.  As evidenced by turning "make hauling work better" into "implement mine carts with physics".
There are many issues with this statement.
[/quote]

Urist McTaverish

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #157 on: August 30, 2010, 04:42:14 pm »

Dear Urist McThirsty:

I can understand you get thirsty, I really can.  Sobriety is a terrible thing, and therefore I keep several stockpiles of booze within 100 steps of anywhere in the fort.  You could have used those, but instead you chose to take a drink from a stockpile nearly 150 Z-levels down from where you started, one that happened to be in an experimental process to test a new mining technique.  Your subsequent death due to asplosions is entirely your own fault.

Your invisible overlord

Dear Mrs. McThirsty:

Again I apologize for the untimely demise of your husband, but I must reiterate that I'd be surprised if enough of him remained after the accident to bury, so I must insist you stop accusing us of not providing him a proper burial.  No one really feels like exploring that part of the mines any more due to the forgotten beast now roaming around, and you could consider that whole section his tomb now that we've walled it off.  Please desist this melancholy before you hurt someone and the hammerer is forced to hurt you.

Your invisible overlord.
Logged
Here at Bay12, we're constantly looking for ways to set the world on fire.
But at least after all the chaos, the weather cleared.

Josephus

  • Bay Watcher
  • The Immortal Historian
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #158 on: August 30, 2010, 04:45:47 pm »

I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended, and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.

Dear Urist,

There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?

 - Hopeless Matchmaker

We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.
Logged
Solar Rangers: Suggestion Game in SPAAAAACE
RPG Interest Check Thread
i had the elves bring me two tigermen, although i forgot to let them out of the cage and they died : ( i was sad : (

ledgekindred

  • Bay Watcher
  • Oh Boy, Microcline
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #159 on: August 30, 2010, 06:43:50 pm »

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
Logged
I don't understand, though that is about right with anything DF related.
I just hope he dies the same death that all dwarfs deserve: liver disease.
The legend of Reg: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=65866.0
Atir Stigildegel, Legless Hero of Diamondrelic: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=83136.0

fivex

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #160 on: August 30, 2010, 06:56:33 pm »

Dear Urist McFuniturehauler
When constructing floor grates at the top of waterfalls, please do not use another to go in the river that the waterfall is flowing from to construct the floor grate from behind.
Signed,
 Fivex
Logged

Flaede

  • Bay Watcher
  • Beware the Moon Creatures.
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #161 on: August 30, 2010, 07:02:42 pm »

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey

:D I am loving this responce almost too much to point out that "Troy" is the "she", and is the fort Psychologist. Ash is the mostly-out-of-work layabout that's hanging about the fort, making far too many "friends".


We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.

I would, but I'm a little afraid of the sorts of situations that Dwarves would write to "Dear Urist" about.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2010, 07:04:30 pm by Flaede »
Logged
Toady typically doesn't do things by half measures.  As evidenced by turning "make hauling work better" into "implement mine carts with physics".
There are many issues with this statement.
[/quote]

Urist McTaverish

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #162 on: August 30, 2010, 08:47:54 pm »

Dear Flaede,

It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship.  It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off.  Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves?  Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public?  "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say.  If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.

Yrs.
Urist McAbbey

As a follow up:

Dear Uris McLegendarycraftdwarf:

I too was disappointed that our experiment to use Dwarven alcohol as a method for mining was unsuccessful.  Also, I'm entirely surprised that your artifact bin was used in said experiment, as I thought I had designated the stockpile be filled from one that didn't have your bin.  Quite obviously the haulers involved with get some wall-to-wall counseling, I do not appreciate you having a tantrum over art defacement, and subsequently breaking an artifact table as you punched the creator of said table.  A spiral was only avoided because I decided to use floodgates instead of doors.  Fortunately the families of the two are still ecstatic, but now I have to carve out two tombs for both you and the table maker, and I'm out two craftsdwarves.  You'll be happy to know, however, that your apprentice has entered a mood, so everything isn't too bad.

Your invisible Overlord.
Logged
Here at Bay12, we're constantly looking for ways to set the world on fire.
But at least after all the chaos, the weather cleared.

ElthMysterius

  • Bay Watcher
  • Adequate Musician
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #163 on: August 30, 2010, 09:58:07 pm »

Dear Military,

While I am disappointed that none of you ever managed to strike down that giantess that was beating every single one of you to a pulp, I have to congratulate you on your ingenuity on finally dealing with the threat. Really, dodging into a pool and having the beast leap after you was truly a display of heroic sacrifice. While the dwarf responsible for the drowning of the giantess will be post-humously credited for the kill, I expect you not to repeat this when you see a goat.

Signed,

Your easily amused Overseer
Logged
"Strike the earth!"
"A section of the cavern has collapsed"
"Your fortress has crumbled to its end"
Yeah, in the future you probably shouldn't strike the earth quite so hard

Gearheart

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #164 on: August 30, 2010, 11:28:20 pm »

Dear Urist McWagondriver

When you and your team of six finally locate a perfect location to set up your new home, it would probably be a bloody good idea not to park the wagon on a frozen river in a temperate biome at the beginning of spring.

I hope you have learned from your mistake, because while the fish are probably having a hell of a good time, you have no food left, unless you like 100x diluted booze and soggy meat.

Signed
Your friendly neighborhood overseer
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 9 10 [11] 12 13 ... 504