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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1297643 times)

MadJax

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #165 on: August 31, 2010, 04:11:24 pm »

Attention slaves peons brave citizens of Hawkhelms,

I would like to express my sincere congratulations to you all for our successful breach of the hideously dangerous perfectly safe caverns beneath the fortress. However, when constructing cage traps, fell free to ignore the naked mole dogs that are terrified of our kind. Do not, for the love of Armok, run away at the sight of this hideous little skinny animal when we are against the clock. It puzzles me why you perform this behaviour, yet refuse to abandon your duties when a frigging trogolodyte is beating your skull to a pulp. Do you enjoy taking the piss? Something that runs away at the sight of you wil make you shit your plump helmets, but a frigging neanderthal is no problem to you?

- Very Puzzled Overseer MadJax

P.S. Top marks to our military for the complete failure to do anything when the forgotten beat decided to take up residence in your barracks. Lucky that woodcutter happened to walk past and decide to be awesome, eh? You're all going for a magma bath if this keeps up.

P.P.S. Would the owner of the red GCS silk socks, please pick them the f*** up, you left your FPS void on.
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Dwarven Math:

Dorf + Magma + Insane Project = SCIENCE!

FlamingCow

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #166 on: August 31, 2010, 04:36:01 pm »

Dear Urist McTrader,

Whilst I understand the importance of a good drink, good food and a good period of relaxation, letting a strange mood fail due to your unwillingness to trade with your fellow dwarves is bloody unacceptable and very annoying. I would dispose of you if you weren't so goddamned useful.

Yrs,
Hive Mind
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Neopolis

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #167 on: August 31, 2010, 06:45:51 pm »

Urist McDoctor,

I understand, sometimes people get ideas that they just have to bring to life. And at times like that, it's easy to get excited. But when you are a doctor, and you are treating an axedwarf who was bitten by a gorilla and is bleeding from the liver, (a very important organ for dwarves) I do not care whether or not you are an armorsmith, making that artifact iron shield can wait!

I nicknamed that doctor "House". It sort of fits, since his only good medical skill is Diagnosticism... Now I just need to injure his leg somehow... ::)
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Greiger

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #168 on: August 31, 2010, 08:17:19 pm »

Dear military (in particular Kirsij),

That was absolutely pathetic.  I have never seen such blatant disregard for orders.  Yes for the first half of the battle you were all doing admirably especially considering the fact that we were facing 2 different armies at once.  And then you, Kirsij Weightmartered the Skewered Screams got greedy.  You already had 16 kills to your name, yet you charge out of the low LOS hall to pursue a fleeing orc.

Yes, you slaughtered many.  However you also cost the lives of three of your fellow military.  And not the raw recruits.  Shrek, your COMMANDER dodged into the spikepit during the battle to support you and was stabbed to death by a goblin while unconscious.  Oothar died rescuing you from a hammergoblin that was about to finish you off after you fell into your own spikepit.  And Ghor, the only legendary soldier in the entire fortress, the first ever migrant to the fortress, who spent SEVEN YEARS training and has stories of his valor engraved upon the walls of YOUR ROOM.  Died to a bolt from a troll hunter.

Yes, you gained a whopping 10 kills during your charge, and subsequent martial trance.  But you should also add the deaths of your fellows to your list.  Murderer.  Further channeling of Leeroy Jenkins will not be looked kindly upon.  Fortunately for you, you are now the most experienced soldier in the fortress, so you get to avoid the drowning chamber of dishonor for now.   

No we will not be re-engraving the walls of your room.  Deal with it.

Sincerely,
Armok

P.S. I'm keeping an eye on you marksmen, next time pick up the ammo at your feet, and keep shooting, the only reason I don't make an example of you is because your squad was the only one that actually stayed at their station.

P.P.S Fortress Guard: Excellent work.  You will see your rooms upgraded to accommodate your heroics holding off the trolls that got through the scattered lines during the debacle.  You are to each receive a platinum bar floor tile in your rooms.  The highest military honor of the fortress, be proud.

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Disclaimer: Not responsible for dwarven deaths from the use or misuse of this post.
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Wolock

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #169 on: August 31, 2010, 10:26:35 pm »

To whom it may concern... yes, you marksdwarves.

When I order you to use wooden bolts for training and metal bolts for combat it's not code for doing the opposite. You are putting yourself and comrades at risk when some goblins show up with armor.

Yrs,
Urist McBoss

P.S.: You are not entitled to a military funeral and your widows and children won't received any help from the administration, you should have think it twice.
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lolghurt

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #170 on: August 31, 2010, 10:53:23 pm »

Dear Urist McFireproof
      PLEASE STOP SURVIVING YOUR MAGMA BATH.
      YOU ARE WASTING VALUABLE BEDS
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Quote from: acetech09 date=1343968486
It's probably made from baby bone, with a handle of baby leather. Probably uses the leg bones wound together for the handle, the pelvis for the handle/pick joint, and the pick is the spine.

But that's all in theory, of course. Not like I've made a pick out of my own 5 month old baby before.

Psychobones

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #171 on: August 31, 2010, 11:31:20 pm »

Dear Military,
While your service is commendable, in the future you should consider timing on things. I understand that sometimes, issues do need to be brought up to management, but choosing to drop all of your weapons and say that you cannot follow orders WHILE A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON IS APPROACHING is not proper timing. Also, I understand you like your new steel weapons, but please, in the future for minor offenses like refusing to construct slade items, use the dull part of your axe instead of the sharp edge, specifically you, Urist McRecruit with an axe who managed to kill your wife for not creating an iron chain, and did so in one swing.

Yours,
God
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nucleus222

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #172 on: September 01, 2010, 03:21:08 am »

Dear Urist Mining Clan

Please refrain from channeling all the tiles around ur feet. this causes unhappiness in the work place.

Mining Foreman

P.S. The next time this happens i will fill the pit with water as dwarves that stupid dont deserve the honor of a magma shower
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jerank

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #173 on: September 01, 2010, 07:03:15 am »

Dear Urist McBurntArse

Please stop channeling out magma squares in such a way you get stuck on the last one, then channel it out under your feet. An amusing feat it may be, but your friends are now all upset about you and I now need to train another legendary miner, you idiot.
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lolghurt

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #174 on: September 01, 2010, 09:42:52 am »

Dear Urist McPumpers

FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU WORSHIP, PLEASE STOP DODGING FROM THE PUMP INTO THE RIVER WHERE I CANNOT RESCUE YOU. YOU WERE A LEGENDARY MINER/ENGRAVER/SMITH. YOUR CORPSE WILL NOW BECOME FROZEN SOLID WHEN WINTER ROLLS AROUND AGAIN.

P.S. Urist McInsane: please stop throwing yourself into my ten z-level artificial waterfall. I have no means to get your entirely broken remains back out, and your miasma puts off the dorfs that want to enjoy the mist and statues.
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Quote from: acetech09 date=1343968486
It's probably made from baby bone, with a handle of baby leather. Probably uses the leg bones wound together for the handle, the pelvis for the handle/pick joint, and the pick is the spine.

But that's all in theory, of course. Not like I've made a pick out of my own 5 month old baby before.

claer_runway

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #175 on: September 01, 2010, 10:16:02 am »

dear incubus mcbabydemon

i understand that you are new to this world and all, but since you don't drink alcohol you have too drink water. none of the adult demons seem to have this problem. right now you are literally five squares from a well and you have a "dehydrated" tag. if this keeps up i just may remove your [can_speak] tag,so you don't need to drink, and none of us want that.

I realize it's a mod, but still, this incubus exhibits dwarven stupidity.
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You can't program common sense.

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Knick

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #176 on: September 02, 2010, 08:57:44 am »

Dear Squad members.

While I appreciate your devotion, please stop hovering around my bed when I am trying to sleep.  You are creeping me out.

Yours, etc.
Urist McSquadleader
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Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day.  Light a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
The great Dwarfen Philosopher Urist McConfused said it best:  "Light a kitten on fire and it will run screaming into the booze stockpile and catch the whole fort up.  I know, we tested it in twelve different forts and it always happened."

Medicine Man

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #177 on: September 02, 2010, 09:05:47 am »

Dear !!Urist!!

Fire is very hot and painful it isn't something to go waltzing through as a shortcut.

Signed !!Player!!
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lolghurt

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #178 on: September 02, 2010, 09:13:38 am »

Dear Urist McMoltenZombie

We apologize on behalf of management for your unprecedented magma bath. We didn't, however, expect you to survive the ordeal We didn't however expect that you would be capable of moving without any body parts, but would like you and your three two similarly afflicted friends to stop complaining about being unable to pick up gear to work and focus more on being happy that you are somehow alive.
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Quote from: acetech09 date=1343968486
It's probably made from baby bone, with a handle of baby leather. Probably uses the leg bones wound together for the handle, the pelvis for the handle/pick joint, and the pick is the spine.

But that's all in theory, of course. Not like I've made a pick out of my own 5 month old baby before.

KillerClowns

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #179 on: September 03, 2010, 07:03:44 pm »

Attention Urist: yes, I know your buddy had some really nice shoes, and now that he's dead, he won't be needing them.  So yes, you can have them, as soon as I'm done dealing with the goddamn dragon that tore him to shreds and is presently standing on his corpse.
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"A rational enemy is better than a foolish friend." -Arab proverb
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