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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 966420 times)

Jake

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3495 on: May 04, 2012, 08:14:15 am »

Dear local fey spirits,

I'm always glad of a legendary mason or stonecrafter, but is there any chance that next time, you could inspire my lads to create something a bit fancier than a rock salt door and a rock salt puzzlebox, both of which menace with spikes of rock salt and nothing else? We've got piles of red zircon waiting to be shaped and polished, we've got plenty of iron and copper, I can soon scrounge up some sand for glass; we even have some silk kicking around, though I'm sure I don't remember buying any.

At least get them to use some of the microcline I mined out specially, eh?

Yours,

Designated Avatar of Armok to HeavensHall.
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Never used Dwarf Therapist, mods or tilesets in all the years I've been playing.
I think Toady's confusing interface better simulates the experience of a bunch of disorganised drunken dwarves running a fort.

Black Powder Firearms - Superior firepower, realistic manufacturing and rocket launchers!

Greiger

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3496 on: May 04, 2012, 09:20:24 am »

Dear Elves,

I try to be less homicidal than those dwarves in those other fortresses you may have visited.  I allow you to visit, I don't do horrible things to you or your animals, and I generally avoid unnecessary chopping of trees.  (After all, most trees are outside, it's dangerous out there.  There are bears. inside is safe and air conditioned)

I instead choose to buy wood from you and the humans (if you want me to not buy from the humans bring a larger supply, cloth is an EXPORT here, not an import) only chopping down the trees and large mushrooms that encroach inside the walls of the fortress.  Which I'm sure is perfectly reasonable.  And the war beasts you bring are a nice bonus.

However, I think I may have figured out why the other underground dwelling races despise you so much.

I see you brought a breeding pair too.  Please come back with big cats or I'll have to redesign my depot to be more up to Dwarven Occupational Safety and Health Administration standards.

Thank you for your time,

The Administration of Greenbeach.
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Disclaimer: Not responsible for dwarven deaths from the use or misuse of this post.
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I don't need friends!! I've got knives!!!

Keldor

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3497 on: May 04, 2012, 11:13:10 am »

Dear Urist McMoody,

So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess...  :-\

Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.

- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer

That end's the handle, ye dolt!  Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.

-Urist McMoody

...might want to consider putting all these menacing spikes on the head of the mace, then. I mean, sure, they improve the grip, but having a three-inch-long shard of aventurine jutting through your palm is kind of inconvenient.

That's th' safety system, so's if it ever falls into th' hands of goblins or elves, they cannae be usin' it.  There be a hidden mechanism at th' base te shift th' spikes so's ye can hold it.  Also, until ye engage the safety, the spikes will slide into the handle if ye push on 'em, so they be completely harmless if ye swing th' club from th' wrong end.  Great fer th' lads to practice with, actually.

Yer hand should then fit in the space between the spikes like a glove, so it be's protected from slicin' and smashin'.  They also wrap around yer hand so ye can't drop it without disengaging the second mechanism.  Finally, there be a third mechanism that extends th' hidden spikes on th' business end.  Ye can't be seein' 'em now 'cause they be hidden.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2012, 11:16:11 am by Keldor »
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If ignorance is bliss, why are my dwarves all tantruming?

Sus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3498 on: May 04, 2012, 01:25:06 pm »

Dear Engravers,

We have trashed multiple goblin sieges, a goddamn dragon and half a dozen Forgotten Beasts.
Yet you adamantly refuse to engrave any of our epic battles, instead preferring subject matter like flies, tall crosses or approximately eleventy thousand and one piss-poor imitations of that one epic picture of a plump helmet?

Well, looks like they're getting better. Subtle, even: they made an engraving of Ostri Diamondsilvers the Wealths of Heat the dragon (who was later killed by my militia) killing some elf dude. A clever little "take that" towards the elves?

(They still keep engraving pictures of elves tearing off some poor dwarf's eye or lip in some ancient battle with disturbing frequency, though.,,)
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Certainly you could argue that DF is a lot like The Sims, only... you know... with more vomit and decapitation.
If you launch a wooden mine cart towards the ocean at a sufficient speed, you can have your entire dwarf sail away in an ark.

jaxler

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3499 on: May 04, 2012, 04:02:28 pm »

Dear Urist McPumpSlave,

You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.

This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Dear Boss,

Can't hear you, On Break

so, up yours.

-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.

:P

Dear Overseer,

I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......

Love, shifty Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I'll do it for free.

Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage

Dear Overseer,

I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....

Love, Jack the Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I will solve ALL problems.

Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,

I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer

enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.

-the goblins
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I've decided to say "fuck it" and will just implode my fort.

“Ok, Neo ChosenUrist, before you is two levers. Pull the Kimberlite lever -- you wakeup in a random bed and have whatever thoughts you want to think. You pull the Bauxite lever -- you stay in the caverns and I show you how deep the adamantine hole goes.” - psalms

Garath

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3500 on: May 05, 2012, 05:40:45 am »

Dear Kadol Alathurol and Zon Nogkol,

You are both legendary fighters, shield users and miners. I understand you don't see a pick as a weapon, but the other two should compensate that. Still you get enraged about long patroll duty, while the rest of your squad is not complaining. For the benefit of you two, the whole squad is going off duty untill you two feel better. Therefor, I did not expect you to do what you did. You are sparring. In your free time. After complaining about having to spar all the time. Go throw a party! theres a dining hall, a statue garden, whatever you like, but this?! If you were not such an excellent example of dwarven weapon skills you'd find yourself demoted to hauler duties. Otherwise, keep up the training. Your dodge and armor use skill could use some work. I don't know why you feel inclined to biting and punching, but yes, the next military squad will definately practice that before going to weapons, your suggestion has been noted.

Yours perplexed,
The Overseer
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Quote from: Urist Imiknorris
Jam a door with its corpse and let all the goblins in. Hey, nobody said it had to be a weapon against your enemies.
Quote from: Frogwarrior
And then everyone melted.

bukitodinos

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3501 on: May 05, 2012, 09:18:01 am »

Dear Urist McPumpSlave,

You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.

This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Dear Boss,

Can't hear you, On Break

so, up yours.

-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.

:P

Dear Overseer,

I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......

Love, shifty Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I'll do it for free.

Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage

Dear Overseer,

I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....

Love, Jack the Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I will solve ALL problems.

Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,

I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer

enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.

-the goblins

TO THE SIG HORDE IT GOES
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I mean for the love of god! There's hair trying to kill a dog!
back to professional martinis with bukitodinos!
---
Put the flag in the martini and were done!
siggy!

Ria Hawk

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3502 on: May 05, 2012, 10:13:43 am »

Dear Recent Casualties-

That burrow command? Yeah, that wasn't a suggestion. If you haunt me because of your own stupidity, your slabs will be going straight into the magmaworks.

- Overseer
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Greasemunky

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3503 on: May 05, 2012, 10:27:55 am »

Dear Urist McPumpSlave,

You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.

This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Dear Boss,

Can't hear you, On Break

so, up yours.

-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.

:P

Dear Overseer,

I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......

Love, shifty Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I'll do it for free.

Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage

Dear Overseer,

I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....

Love, Jack the Kobold.

Dear Overseer,

I will solve ALL problems.

Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,

I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer

enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.

-the goblins

Send him to fetch some of ALL the Cotton Candy

-The Clowns
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And hey, fps rose from 4 to 12 from all the death.  That's good, right?

bukitodinos

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3504 on: May 05, 2012, 12:23:38 pm »

Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.

for the annoying rich kid that got ALL the new game systems. if you did not have one in your class you were not a child.(unless you were homeschooled)
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I mean for the love of god! There's hair trying to kill a dog!
back to professional martinis with bukitodinos!
---
Put the flag in the martini and were done!
siggy!

Callista

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3505 on: May 05, 2012, 12:31:35 pm »

Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.

for the annoying rich kid that got ALL the new game systems. if you did not have one in your class you were not a child.(unless you were homeschooled)
I was home-schooled and I still had that. My parents seriously had a favorite child, and it wasn't me. I was too much of a rebel, y'see. Read books under the covers with a flashlight at night, and hated to do the dishes.  ::)

Dear Urist McStarving,
Well... look at it this way: At least we know now that trees growing in the hallways can block your access to food.

Sorry I didn't notice it in time. Hey, at least we have a big cemetery with masterwork coffins, right?

Your apologetic overseer.

PS. The mason crew has been taken off the megaproject to pave the hallways. You're welcome.
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Urist_McGamer

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3506 on: May 06, 2012, 08:06:23 am »

Dear bearded midgets of Reksasineth (SinCity):

As we near our fourth year in the desert we've made great progress on the soon-to-be gambling and vice capitol of the world. The steel block perimeter wall is done except for the entrance and the grid of dacite block streets is coming along nicely. You're all pretty happy to live in an open air pavilion in a desert eating replicated food while working constant overtime hours laying out the roads. Soon enough we'll have the first permanent buildings up and actually start looking like a city.

However, the levels of unauthorized reproduction are alarming. While we can always use more laborers, we have migrants who work today, not in twelve years for that. Children only eat and drink up our, albeit infinite, food supplies while doing nothing to contribute to the fort. Please stop popping out useless babies until the city is more developed.

Yours,
Vegas Vic, Overseer of Reksasineth
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But others might prefer to have the mess contained behind windows to avoid tracking blood all over the their nice, color coordinated floor patterns. Kind of the Ozzy Osborne vs. Martha Stewart debate.

Iapetus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3507 on: May 06, 2012, 09:00:26 am »

Dear engravers and craft dwarves,

I know Urist McWimpy is terrified of oysters.
I know this is a particularly silly phobia.
I know you find it amusing.
But can you please stop engraving all our walls and decorating all our goods with images of him cowering in fear at a load of oysters.
It's really not a nice thing to do to him.
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Engraved on the floor is a well-designed image of a kobold and a carp.  The kobold is making a plaintive gesture.  The carp is laughing.

Morpha

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3508 on: May 06, 2012, 09:22:11 am »

Dear Urist McChild

When I removed the meeting designation to set a better location, I'm curious as to why you relocated to the food stockpile I made 10 seconds later. Considering we have no food, could you be suggesting an overabundant food source?

Considering modding,

The overseer.
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Quote from: Gerottomo on May 03, 2012, 04:34:11 pm
That should be a new type of project, making a rug design in dwarf fortress (With accurate coloring)
"And so, after many deaths and much sacrifice, someone turned their fortress into a fully functioning self aware carpet that actively sought after sources of fresh blood."

The Giant Bat who decided an axe made a better weapon than claws:
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=108229.30

nymall

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #3509 on: May 06, 2012, 09:43:52 am »

Dear Urist McHauler,

As is the will of Amok, our people have recently been blessed with a new found appreciation of clothes, of which we all have begun to enjoy. What I'd like to speak to you about is this, and more specifically, priorities.

You remember The Brass Kings? The main squad of our defense force? I know you remember the socks. The one you stripped off of Kosoth Stakudothil's dismembered leg? Remember how you took it, ran to the meeting hall, and then just dropped it? That was nice. And how you went back and retrieved his leg? That was thoughtful. Problem, though...

He's still sitting out there. Legless and unconscious. Bleeding. While you admire your new sock. If we loose him, it's the magma pits for you.

Kindest Regards,
The Management.
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