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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 964653 times)

Mura

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4920 on: April 18, 2013, 09:51:06 am »

To: Cloud Blazepearls Assaultportent, legendary swordspony
From: Your Overseer

Yes, I am grateful for your saving the fortress from slavers on countless occasions. Yeah, it's great that you have a pages-long kill list. I acknowledge that you are basically god with a chainsword.

However, isn't parrying bullets taking it a bit too far?
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I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

EBannion

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4921 on: April 18, 2013, 10:23:42 am »

To: Cloud Blazepearls Assaultportent, legendary swordspony
From: Your Overseer

Yes, I am grateful for your saving the fortress from slavers on countless occasions. Yeah, it's great that you have a pages-long kill list. I acknowledge that you are basically god with a chainsword.

However, isn't parrying bullets taking it a bit too far?

You mean I can dodge bullets?

No. I'm telling you that when you're ready, you wo'n't need to.
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Torturing Dwarves to death since 2007

jaxler

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4922 on: April 18, 2013, 11:40:51 am »

I know i've said this before but...

Dear mountain homes. STAPH.SENDING.FISHER.DORFS.NAO.

We're in the middle of a bloody desert, there isn't a single murky pool for miles. Send something useful next time, I've already drafter the last 20 fishers into the army, I don't need any more recruits.
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I've decided to say "fuck it" and will just implode my fort.

“Ok, Neo ChosenUrist, before you is two levers. Pull the Kimberlite lever -- you wakeup in a random bed and have whatever thoughts you want to think. You pull the Bauxite lever -- you stay in the caverns and I show you how deep the adamantine hole goes.” - psalms

EBannion

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4923 on: April 18, 2013, 12:48:12 pm »

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Jenniretta

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4924 on: April 18, 2013, 02:08:15 pm »

I know i've said this before but...

Dear mountain homes. STAPH.SENDING.FISHER.DORFS.NAO.

We're in the middle of a bloody desert, there isn't a single murky pool for miles. Send something useful next time, I've already drafter the last 20 fishers into the army, I don't need any more recruits.

I set my excess fisherdwarves to useful tasks - smoothing the walls and floors, making blocks, manning the furnaces, tanning hides, weaving cloth from thread, cutting trees, etc. I've gotten about 35 of them from the mountainhome, some of them are now reaching the ranks of legendary engravers and masons, and have long since forgotten their love of fishing.
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ParadoxicalGallifreyan

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4925 on: April 18, 2013, 02:20:37 pm »

Dear Urist McWon'tClaimHisStupidPants,

Dude, seriously? We have LOADS of masterwork leather and cloth trousers in the stockpile, and you sit around being unhappy at your indecent exposure. You must be blind. I understand that you're mourning the loss of your wife and babychild, but you're not stark raving mad, so for Armok's sake PLEASE put on some pants. You're weirding the rest of us out here.

Sincerely,
The Population of Ironfate

Dear Urist McMayor,

Please. You have an artifact table made of gems, masterwork gem windows, your own personal statue garden, not one but TWO lay pewter chests as mandated, and you still think you're conducting your meetings in a poor setting? I have half a mind to send YOU down by the magma sea with a pick to bring up the adamantine.

Sincerely,
The Overlord

Dear Urist McHaulers and McCraftsdwarves,

That Dwarven Baby's rotten corpse has been lying in the craftsdwarves' workshop for THREE YEARS. That's highly disturbing, you know. Sure, his mom went berserk after being unable to complete her artifact, and her own husband the military commander had to strike her down, but that doesn't mean he has to see his only son's unburied skeleton every time he walks past. BURY THE CHILD ALREADY. There are plenty of coffins in the communal tomb designated for burial. 

Sincerely,
The Overlord
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tahujdt

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4926 on: April 18, 2013, 03:43:02 pm »

Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.

Capybaras swimming in weasels?

 :o
With enough serrated discs, it could happen.
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Greiger

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4927 on: April 18, 2013, 06:12:40 pm »

Forget the booze fountain idea.  We need a weasel fountain.  With enough serrated discs anything can become a liquid.
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BumbleMead

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4928 on: April 18, 2013, 07:21:52 pm »

Dear military,

I realize that the ten of you haven't had a lot to do lately, on account of invaders not wanting to cross the frozen tundra we live in. With that in mind, please kill cavern creatures in a timely manner. I mean geez, you've been punching that Cave Troll for two seasons already. You've been at it so long he's got scars from the beating. You have shiny new silver hammers and steel swords, so please use them.
 
Dear Urist McBurial Squad

If any of you could possibly consider maybe removing the corpses from the legendary dining hall, that'd be peachy. Preferably before you start tantruming about the miasma again. Only we're just now cleaning up the wreckage of the tantrum spiral started when Ducim Kedasob decided to randomly fling himself into the volcano.

-Sincerly, The Overseer.
 
 PS- Who ever owns the cat that keeps leading Trolls and Cave Dragons into the fort is about to get their very own private cell.
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Olith McHuman

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4929 on: April 18, 2013, 09:12:53 pm »

Dear Urist McICanFly,

Standing on the bridge that your mother is disassembling is a very bad idea.

Dear Urist McMother,

Disassembling the bridge that YOU are standing on is a terminally stupid idea. But a very very amusing one.
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KroganElite

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4930 on: April 18, 2013, 09:16:21 pm »

Dear Urist Migrants,

Please come with a skilled armorsmith or don't bother coming at all.

Thanks!

---
The rage when you have 3x furnace+blacksmith+weaponsmiths and not one armorsmith.
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doublestrafe

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4931 on: April 19, 2013, 02:41:56 am »

Dear entire military force,

It is with somewhat subdued pride that I call out the actions of 27th Granite. Your actions were in large part impeccable; when I called you to the field of battle, you dropped everything and answered the summons in force. You completely obliterated the goblin siege with their troll cohorts and voracious cave crawler mounts. Marksdwarves behaved perfectly, hanging back and providing covering fire while the axe and hammerdwarves jammed things through brains with disturbing accuracy. On that day there was not a single dwarven casualty--not even a single injury. I salute your overwhelming skill.

However. I mentioned that you dropped everything. I include in this, and I counted, 131 separate articles of leather clothing, some damaged, some brand new masterwork. You left it exactly where you were when the call to arms came.

In the danger room.

For everybody else to pick up.

Please take a moment to think about this action, and the consequences that ensued. I'm not going to come down on you at this time; you did destroy the siege, and they were just haulers. But really. Think about it.

Thanks,

The Management
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vanatteveldt

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4932 on: April 19, 2013, 07:06:06 am »

Dear Urist and Arist McMiner, (c/o Armok, dept. of Darwinism)

We had a nice little tight-knit colony of 12 hardworking dwarves about to survive their first winter on the slopes of the vulcano. I had every thought for your safety by deciding to not breach the vulcano from the side, but rather breach it at the caldera and then guide the magma downwards. You were working nicely on creating the 4x4 channel down, going level by level like a good dwarf. How on earth did you manage to create a cave in on the last level, caused both of you to die in sight of the harbor???

At least you were nice enough to leave your picks where I could get them by removing a constructed wall so I could actually assign a new miner to train. I hope he learns from what he sees when he goes in there to collect his pick!

O your wife was not amused, maybe you should have considered that before channeling that tile???

Thanks.
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Calech

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4933 on: April 19, 2013, 08:45:18 am »

Dear Urist Migrants,

Please come with a skilled armorsmith or don't bother coming at all.

Thanks!

---
The rage when you have 3x furnace+blacksmith+weaponsmiths and not one armorsmith.

Dear Overseer,

With the efficiency of Dwarven metalworking, it should be feasible to train one up from scratch - simply forge an item of armour with a 100% or greater return rate and then melt down all the products. This will also help train your furnace operators to Legendary status. Just be careful to not melt any masterwork pieces (they can however be sold if they aren't of a useful type) and to choose a dwarf with appropriate preferences in case of moods.

Yours sincerely,

Urist McTrainee, novice Weaponsmith with preferences for adamantine, war hammers, and styrofoam war hammers
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MrSparky

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #4934 on: April 23, 2013, 04:43:43 pm »

Dear Dwarves,
There is a bridge over the river, the bridge is marked high traffic, the riverbed is marked restricted, and the shore at the downstream end is marked low traffic. Stop trying to wade across the river.
Sincerely, Overseer.
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