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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 985078 times)

Jorn Stones

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5940 on: July 23, 2014, 11:49:09 am »

Dear Urist McHunter with child.

I had my hopes put into you, made you both a hunter and Captain of the first Militia Marksdwarves. However, you dissapointed me dearly. You were allowed to pack as much as 100 bolts with you, yet you run out of the fortress with a tiny fraction of that to hunt this two-humped Camel. Now the most important thing in cases like this, which I've made sure to inform the squadron you previously commanded as well as the others, is that in the event that you do run out of all the bolts you had on you, YOU DO NOT PANIC AND GET STRUCK BY SHEER TERROR AND RUN INTO THE NEAREST POND TOGETHER WITH YOUR BABY AND DROWN BOTH YOURSELF AND YOUR POOR GIRL TO DEATH WHILE SAID CAMEL IS LAYING UNCONSCIOUS IN THE GRASS.

sincerely, the Overseer.

P.S: If you come across Urist McFisherdwarf in Hell or wherever you went, sincerely tell him not to run into a tree and try to hide there when a cyclops is attacking the fortress. Although I'm sure he regretted that decision greatly when the Cyclops punched him and he went flying of the tree and crashing into the ground.
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escondida

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5941 on: July 24, 2014, 11:09:14 am »

Dear whatever jackass decided to bring the yak to the middle of a frozen wasteland that regularly gets rain of abhorrent filth,

Please read the following frequently asked questions regarding animal care in dwarf fortress:

Q: What happens when a yak has no grass to eat?
A: It starves to death.

Q: What happens when a creature starves to death in the middle of an evil biome?
A: It turns undead before anyone has a chance to move.

[Snip]

Do we understand each other? Oh well, too late. I am quite confident that whoever's yak it was will be regretting the decision very quickly.

R/OS

Dear Overseer Arost (that is how you pronounce that, right?),

The original plan was to build rails from the Mountainhomes to our new home and ride in comfort to this benighted wastescape, but noooo, the king wouldn't hear of it. "It is tradition," he whispered, red-faced and apoplectic with rage. "Minecarts are for quantum stockpiles, moving magma, throwing objects at high velocity, and unfortunate accidents. Wagons are for settling new fortresses." And so it was settled! When the king stops shouting and starts talking like that, you listen.

When we arrived at our awful, disgusting, freezing new home, we sort of lost control of ourselves and fell under the sway of some maleficent force. I know it was evil and wanted its to die, because otherwise, I suppose it would've had us dig a pit to dump the poor beasts in before they could starve and rise again. So don't blame me!

Yours sincerely,
Skzul Datanreg (deceased)
Former expedition leader and crown-appointed yak wrangler

(Edit: "magma," not "mama")
« Last Edit: July 24, 2014, 11:33:50 am by escondida »
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TV4Fun

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5942 on: July 24, 2014, 06:46:29 pm »

Dear Urist McWhatever,

I am very sorry you were stung by a bee. I am sure it was very painful, and thank you for informing me about it. In future though, please reserve the message feed for more important matters, like splinters, stubbed toes, misplaced, socks, vomiting from exposure to the sun, and not having a fluffy enough pillow to go with the silk sheets on your feather bed.

R/OS
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TV4Fun

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5943 on: July 25, 2014, 11:01:46 pm »

Dear Atu NgokGoblin,

Hey, could we have a word about this siege thing? I mean, normally I don't mind so much, you know, you come in with a bunch of trolls and dragons and stuff, we close the gates, fire a few bolts at you, you hang around outside and do some military exercises or whatever, it's good fun all around. Normally I'm not that perturbed by it, but this is the third siege this year. Really, we have been able to get very little done cause we've been locked inside. We ran out of wood months ago and are even running out of bituminous coal to run our furnaces. I know you want our wealth and all that, but really, how are we supposed to generate any wealth when we can't trade with any caravans? I was thinking maybe we could make a deal to limit sieges to one a year, preferably in the spring when the elf caravans come. How about this, you limit it to one a year, and when you come I'll send out a squad of a couple inexperienced dwarves with steel armor for your militia to practice on, and then you can take the armor when you're done. Sound fair? I think so. You do this, everybody wins, you get some loot and your militia gets to have some fun, and I don't have to spend a bunch of dwarf-hours building a goblin meat grinder and a bunch of siege engines to get rid of you. Really, neither of us wants that. Think it over.

V/R
Overseer of Laboredfrenzies

P.S. I'm sorry if we've been a little inattentive during this last siege, only we've had a few forgotten beasts with deadly dust come through and kill most of our population. We've gone down from 156 to 8, so if you could at the very least let through a few migrant groups, I would appreciate it. If you must kill someone, try to limit yourself to fishery workers and cheese makers and the like. Thanks.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2014, 11:04:41 pm by TV4Fun »
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Solon64

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5944 on: July 26, 2014, 06:04:04 pm »

Dear Atu NgokGoblin,

...been locked inside.

That's the point of a siege silly, to stop trade and starve you out.  Go dump magma on them, cmon, dorf up!  Grow a beard man!
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PS: Seriously, you must have, like, super-getting-lost skills. You could go missing in a straight corridor and impale yourself on flat ground if I don't tell you where to go.

Th4DwArfY1

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5945 on: July 26, 2014, 06:15:01 pm »

Wait. Solon? Heh.
You gotta read this.
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Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination
  Th4DwArfY1 has claimed the title of Penblessed the Endless Fountain of Epics!
Sigtext!
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Jorn Stones

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5946 on: July 26, 2014, 06:22:49 pm »

staph running away! It was just a cyclops child, you killed its daddy last year remember? Not to mention, you had weapons this time! Geez. Your incompetence today has caused three brave dwarfs to die, I hope you are proud of yourselves, I'm sure as hell your dead friends aren't.


-Overseer

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MeMyselfAndI

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5947 on: July 26, 2014, 07:25:25 pm »

Dear Urists,

When I say "dig a 50 z-level vertical shaft for my main driveshaft", I don't mean "have one dwarf climb all the way to the top and start digging down dropping rocks on the head of everyone digging up."

Rocks hitting dwarves makes their bodies fall in turn. Can you say "cascade effect"?

I have four dwarves dead and one in hospital who is unable to stand now. And they were all legendary miners too!

-Your overseer who wishes to show you firsthand what gravity does. Now go stand over there on that hatch over the volcano...
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Meneth

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5948 on: July 27, 2014, 03:55:03 am »

Dear Urists,

When I say "dig a 50 z-level vertical shaft for my main driveshaft", I don't mean "have one dwarf climb all the way to the top and start digging down dropping rocks on the head of everyone digging up."
The safe way to dig multi-level channels is to (d)ig out every level normally first, haul the stone away, and then dig the c(h)annels. And even then you have to be careful about miners digging out the floor that another miner stands on. You might want to restrict mining to a single dorf for the duration of the channeling, or set up individual, separate burrows for each miner.
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TV4Fun

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5949 on: July 27, 2014, 04:30:57 am »

Dear Armok,

*crash, new version dowloaded*
Let's try that again.

Dear Armok,

Explain to me why you build a time bomb into every animal. This is the only explanation I have for why, on the first day of spring, I always have three or four animals die of "old age" at the exact same time. I can only assume that each one must have a little device implanted in their heads that kills them at a precisely predetermined time, and that each one must have been born at the same instant for them all to reach their ends simultaneously. Now I am not opposed to a little random death, but this seems quite amusing to me.

Your humble and devoted servant,
An Overseer
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Solon64

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5950 on: July 27, 2014, 07:27:05 am »

Wait. Solon? Heh.
You gotta read this.

Epic read sir!  Truly epic.

Admittedly, my forum name is not based on any dwarf fortress names.  Imagine my surprise when I first started playing this game that Solon was a dorf name.  My tag is actually based on the Ishap priest from Return to Krondor, I always felt that character was a badass and never got the attention he deserved in that game.

Alternately, Solon was the name of an ancient Athenian statesman back in the day, so there's that too.

NecroThreat's Solon is equally as badass it seems, and is ironically also pitted against the undead.  Perhaps your Solon is channeling the spirit of my Solon? :D
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PS: Seriously, you must have, like, super-getting-lost skills. You could go missing in a straight corridor and impale yourself on flat ground if I don't tell you where to go.

Th4DwArfY1

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5951 on: July 27, 2014, 11:04:12 am »

Glad you liked it! I'm afraid to say Solon is dead, though, so she isn't channeling anything at the moment :P
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Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination
  Th4DwArfY1 has claimed the title of Penblessed the Endless Fountain of Epics!
Sigtext!
Poetry Thread

UltraMagnus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5952 on: July 27, 2014, 12:23:01 pm »

Dear Urist McHaulers,

I commend your bravery, but please refrain from rushing in large groups into the filling moat for a bag of clay.

Sincerely,
the Overseer

yugy

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5953 on: July 27, 2014, 02:30:18 pm »

Dear Urist

I know I've been very busy lately. But could you explain where rather large amount of FBs meat came from? No security breach was reported.

Sincerely
Your actually little impressed Overseer
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Akura

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5954 on: July 28, 2014, 10:25:41 am »

Dear Werebeast dwarf,

When I say pull the lever to open your isolation chamber, the lever that only you can access, the lever that is specifically assigned to you, that does not mean to disintegrate the nearby, unlocked and unlevered lead door. I still don't know how you did that, you weren't even transformed. Plus, I canceled the order and you went over to pick up some more of your clothes, and then went back to disintegrating the door after I re-added the lever pull order. Now please proceed to that room with the spikes.

Sincerely,
Overseer


Dear Werebeast dwarf,

When I assign you to a one-dwarf squad and station you inside the room, please go into the room, and not stand outside the unlocked door. That room is for your own good, and more importantly, much, much more importantly, for the good of everyone else.

Sincerely,
Overseer


Dear Werebeast's wife,
I didn't realize you were in the squad that was sent retrieve your husband's corpse. I apologize for your emotional shock. I will say he died in one of the most dignified ways a dwarf can die: repeatedly impaled by multiple iron spikes, screaming in agony as his legs are shattered multiply times, eventually taking seperate spikes to the heart and lungs before choking to death on his own blood, alone and seperated from his loved ones.

Sincerely
Overseer
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