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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 966768 times)

Aristion

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5985 on: August 07, 2014, 06:02:27 pm »

Dear residents of The Joyful Land of Ghouls,
In an effort to prepare you for the future, please take a copy of the following bulletin:
Do not climb into the trees,
lest you fall and break your knees.
And please dont climb volcanic rocks,
just to path to surface +socks+.
Some undead limbs have zero mass,
so dont fight them, just build walls fast.
And please don't start a baby flood,
they'll die, and rise, and thirst for blood.
So keep this pamplet in your hands,
that you may live, in Joyful Lands.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Thanks but no thanks. We know what we are doing in this fort and we will be fine.

With love,
The dorfs

P.S.
We love the poem.
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I kept imagining this guy go "By Armok, not the dead roaches! Oh gods the hamsters oh the dwarfmanity!"
Devotes several hours a day making vampires an endangered species.

yugy

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5986 on: August 08, 2014, 08:01:14 am »

Dear Human civilization

Your caravan departed according the plan. Everybody was fine and alive. Nobody was dead nor slowly burned to ashes.

P. S. Your next caravan should arrive from east. There was a small accident and whole wester side of mountain is flooded with magma and we are not able to plug the leak.
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blazing glory

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5987 on: August 08, 2014, 08:27:22 am »

Dear Urist McImmigrant.

I am pleased to see that you decided to come to our fortress,I am also sorry for the unfortunate drowning of your 5 children,who were your sole companions,I am investigating these strange circumstances that led to your children being in a small underground burrow,which was then sealed and a miner channeled the ground causing the stream to flood in.

In the meanwhile you should send letters to the mountain home that large quantities of children who can't work and whose deaths wouldn't cause a tantrum spiral will not be suited to surviving in a fortress.

Kindest regards,the overseer who's planning to murder those 2 pesky children that escaped.
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Olith McHuman

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5988 on: August 12, 2014, 01:23:02 am »

Dear Urist McMoody,

I realize that my decree "Rock salt boils at 9901" may have come as a shock to you. Indeed, it had a rather cool reception in many places. But "My workshop just evaporated!!" is not a good reason to go kill your fellow dwarfs. (however, going stark raving mad would be a totally understandable response)


Dear Urists,

What do you mean you had to endure the decay of a friend? We have plenty of coffins...
They were made from rock salt weren't they? Oh my.
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ComatosePhoenix

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5989 on: August 12, 2014, 12:50:36 pm »

dear urist McClothier,

How the heck did you get on top of the wall? you were never part of the military, you were never anywhere near danger, yet there you lie, dead, on top of a 4 z level high wall.

at least your disapearance has not contributed to the tantrum spiral any, apparently your out of the line of sight for all the other dwarfs, and your friends are blissfully unaware of your demise.

I'll take it,

bemused overlord.
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Urist McShire

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5990 on: August 12, 2014, 10:27:30 pm »

Dear Urist McImmigrants,

I understand that we're at war with the Elves. I understand that we were at war before the great fortress of Autumnalbells the Armor of Angels was even founded deep in the jungles in the heart of elven lands at the foot of dwarf mountainhomes. However, please do not let these pesky tree-huggers and those annoying goblin bands deter you from coming to our humble colony, as there is wealth beneath the trees and we need every able-bodied dwarf who can raise an axe or pick to strike the earth.

Sincerely,

The Overseer who is still struggling to get by after over 2 years without a single immigrant to augment his starting seven.
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Baffler

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5991 on: August 12, 2014, 11:25:21 pm »

Dear Captain Uvash,

I'm sure you know why I'm writing to you, but I'd like to go through it again to make sure you understand the gravity of the situation. Your and your squad held the barricades admirably, wounding 3 goblins before forcing them to withdraw without a scratch on any of you. I was very pleased with your performance. You were truly a credit to the veteran sergeants program, I thought, taking on 9 unskilled recruits and molding them into capable soldiers and marksmen despite the scarcity of metal ammunition. Or so I thought.

I admit, this was partially my fault. You were untested in melee so far and your wooden crossbows, though very well made, are not ideal for close combat. That said, I don't think it was unreasonable to expect the ten of you to be able to dispatch a lone, unconscious, unarmed (in more ways than one,) crippled goblin. Explain to me, Uvash, how only you and the goblin survived the fight. Every last one of your men is dead, and frankly I'm at as much a loss as the goblins must be, who our spies report has been given the admittedly impressive name Snang Scorpionworry the Sinful Sects of Odor for his improbable victory.

Despite your failure and my own misgivings I've decided to give you a new squad to command, as you are now the only dwarf in the fortress with any military experience. So... don't let it happen again.

Yours,
The Management


And those deaths kick off a tantrum spiral, and he's dead. As well as most everyone else.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2014, 12:47:54 am by Baffler »
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Quote from: Helgoland
Even if you found a suitable opening, I doubt it would prove all too satisfying. And it might leave some nasty wounds, depending on the moral high ground's geology.
Location subject to periodic change.
Baffler likes silver, walnut trees, the color green, tanzanite, and dogs for their loyalty. When possible he prefers to consume beef, iced tea, and cornbread. He absolutely detests ticks.

escondida

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5992 on: August 13, 2014, 04:24:34 pm »

Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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UltraMagnus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5993 on: August 13, 2014, 09:05:59 pm »

Dear Urist McRebeldwarf,
It is forbidden. Asking why is irrelevant.
DO NOT GO INTO THAT CANYON DURING YOUR BREAK.
Sincerely, an overseerer who wishes that you had a better respect for authority.

IronTomato

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5994 on: August 14, 2014, 01:20:59 am »

Dear Questionably Loyal Party Member,

Do you remember why you came with me? No? I'll tell you then. I can't travel alone at night, or the bogeymen will get me. It's not because I need you for fighting, I'm too good for that. I need you to just stay with me, so the bogeymen stay away.

That does not mean that you should stop following me at the river without saying so. Y'see, I didn't notice you were gone, and I went to sleep. Now I'm being eaten by bogeymen as I write this. Tell my carrier pigeon he's a real bro.

You had one job,
Your fellow adventurer
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Baffler

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5995 on: August 14, 2014, 11:04:24 am »

Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I'd sig it, if only it weren't so long.
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Quote from: Helgoland
Even if you found a suitable opening, I doubt it would prove all too satisfying. And it might leave some nasty wounds, depending on the moral high ground's geology.
Location subject to periodic change.
Baffler likes silver, walnut trees, the color green, tanzanite, and dogs for their loyalty. When possible he prefers to consume beef, iced tea, and cornbread. He absolutely detests ticks.

escondida

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5996 on: August 15, 2014, 12:20:39 pm »

I'm honored! Alas, I can't take credit for most of the words, just some creative substitutions. (-:
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da_nang

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5997 on: August 16, 2014, 11:18:36 am »

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader,

Please explain to me, how in Armok's name you are able to teleport in and out of the fully sealed fortress and subsequently get mauled by Giant Tortoise corpses.

Sincerely, Flabbergasted Overseer.
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"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
Ceterum censeo Unionem Europaeam esse delendam.
Future supplanter of humanity.

thefish1992

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5998 on: August 16, 2014, 12:15:24 pm »

Dear fey weapon smith

I'm sorry. i truly am. i knew i should have brought an anvil with me, i knew it but didn't to save points, and i fully take blame for you not getting that forge in time. but did you have to go insane right when the humans came into the trade depot with a anvil? I was so hopeful for you, i even had some steel rushed for you... so close, so close.

Regretfully yours
Thefish1992


Dear brewer

Bug off. i know you rig last mayor election. i want the butcher back as mayor,  all he wanted was doors, but you? spears and catapult parts!
i can live with the spears, but catapults? i would launch you off a bridgeapult if you were not such a skilled brewer. now stop briding and blackmailing people with booze, and let my doorman have his mayor position he has earned.

Sinisterly
Thefish1992

Dear Fey Mason

Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question....
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Whats it's other name?

Ever Curious
Thefish1992
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Dwarven science. A logical solution, to a illogical problem.

Torrenal

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5999 on: August 16, 2014, 04:10:28 pm »

Dear Candidate Moody,

Please, when you are considering having a mood:
Please steer clear of Masons shops, craftdwarf shops, and above all else, avoid possessing spirits.

One artifact armor stand is more than plenty, and the king adores it.
Two artifact doors are one more than I have use for.
One artifact hatch has remarkably found use.  The other remains in the stockpile.
The artifact casket is adored by our king.
The artifact leather robe is nice in that it broke from tradition and produced a Legendary dwarf...but I've now got a surplus in leather clothes, quivers, and backpacks.
The matched set of figurines are.... cute.  Would have been better if they depicted dwarves.
I'm thankful for the spare Legendary Mechanic after Urist McVampire ate the first one, but seriously I've now got a glut in masterwork mechanisms.

Eleven  moods total, and eight of them posessions?!  None of them for weapons or armor?

Why do you think I've been training half of you to forge weapons?  For more doors?!

Annoyed, your overseer.
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