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Author Topic: FailCannon: No Rest for the Wicked (or anyone else) (Succession: Battlefailed 2)  (Read 885289 times)

SethCreiyd

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #210 on: October 01, 2010, 04:13:00 am »

Try not to sink the place, capp.  XD

Good luck, Lucus.  I hope everything works out.
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ArcaneSaint

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #211 on: October 01, 2010, 11:11:14 am »

Quote from: SethCreiyd
Try not to sink the place, capp.  XD
Ignore what he said, this'll be fun :D

Also, repeating my own request to get dorfed. Something medical or any job that doesn't include me running towards things that could hurt me.
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cappstv

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #212 on: October 01, 2010, 05:39:47 pm »

The Cappstv Letters
Prologue:
"Led, there is an old man who wants to see you."
"Can't you see that I planning the 'Fetus Head Smash Festival'! This is going to be the first one so it has to be perfect!"
"Led, this old man says he has info on what cause the, well the..."
"Spit it out!"
"The event."
"I AM PLANNING AN EVENT RIGHT NOW! AND THIS ONE INVOLVES DWARFVEN FETUS HEAD SMASHIN!"
"The one where everything flip."

The Queen steps back from the practice fetus as she puts down her hammer.

"Oh, that event. Bring him in."

The old man walked into the room grasping his hip. Led stared deep in the man's eyes.
"What do you know."
"I know everything about the events that are going on in our world. But I can only tell so much."
"THEN TELL IT!"
"FailCannon."
"The fort? What about it?"
"How many eyes do you have there?"
"Well, uhh, well. SERVANTS! FETCH ME THE DWARF THAT IS IN THE CELLS! TELL HER THAT SHE HAS A CHANCE AT FREEDOM! BRING ME CAPPSTV!"

The first letter:
Dear Queen Led,
Like oh my god FailCannon is so awesome! I found like a boyfriend and his name is Mekboy! Isn't that a cute name! Kigok Pokercooks (that's my deity just in case you didn't know!) probably bestow on me this super cool future husband! Also I got tons of friends here! They all seem to like me so much that they made me the overseer! Ain't that neat! Anyway I will tell you if I found out any stuff about what you wanted me to found out about!

From,
Cappstv

The Queen's reply:
Dear Cappstv,
You have been making friends and having sex instead of doing the task I assigned to you? Must I remind you of the cold dark cell that I free you from? I want information about the going ons in FailCannon. So supply them to me.

From,
Queen Led

PS.
The reason why the ink is red is because it was made from fetus blood. We have of lot of that stuff here now.


OCC:
Yes I know this update has nothing game related, but I like introductions.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 08:57:48 pm by cappstv »
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mrbobbyg

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #213 on: October 01, 2010, 08:19:19 pm »

The Cappstv Letters
Prologue:

The Queen step back from the practice fetus as she put down her hammer.


0.o

Okay, I want to play now.  Sign me up.
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cappstv

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #214 on: October 01, 2010, 09:29:28 pm »

The Cappstv Letters
Cappstv speaks of the Condition of the Fortress
Dear Queen Led,
Ewww! Fetus blood is gross silly goose! Whatcha you doing with that anyway! But back on to the topic on hand, I shall tell you about the condition of the fortress! Like woah, its pretty cool here! There are 64 dwarfs, coutin' myself of course, that live here and none of them are really suspicious! I know because I been looking for suspicious people since I got here! Anyway our current food stores is 2258! We dwarfs like to drink but our Ale grows low, oh my! So I am going to be the boss and order them to make some more ok! Another sad thing is that we don't have our own rooms! So I will fix that up right away! Oh yeah its now officially summer time! Isn't that great! Write you later alligator!

From,
Cappstv

Queen Led Replies to Cappstv's Last Message and Offers Some Helpful Advice

Dear Capptard,
I am this close to sending someone over there to impregnate you and take the fetus from your womb and add it to the "Fetus Smashing Festival".

From,
Queen Led

Cappstv Shall now speak out of character
I hate how this fort is lay out now. I shall be doing some redesigning. Next update will include images and a special surprise.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Also it will be way longer. Waaaaaaay longer.
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Urist Imiknorris

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #215 on: October 01, 2010, 09:35:02 pm »

If it involves raw adamantine, good.

If it involves adamantine, better.

If it involves fire, webs, poison, 200 kg/L, and eerie light, bad.
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ArcaneSaint

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #216 on: October 02, 2010, 09:35:08 am »

If it involves fire, webs, poison, 200 kg/L, and eerie light, bad.
Unless it also involves 72 kittens, adamantine axes, the ocean and a lot of steam.
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SethCreiyd

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #217 on: October 03, 2010, 06:05:13 am »

   Meanwhile, some billion meters ana, a few hundred yards kata, in another dimension, another meeting is held.

   Someone is hiding something, the goddess Kigok Pokercooks thought to herself, which isn't redundant when all of your peers can hear all the thoughts that aren't specifically private.

    She sat at an ornate table in a hunched position, staring at her fellow deities through steepled fingers, as well as the deities who could never, by any leap of imagination, be considered her fellows; they were nemeses, but temporary allies for a common endeavor.

    A goddess spoke and interrupted her musings.  "The tremors are increasingly unpredictable over time."  Kigok eyed the speaker.  Limul was a crow-like woman, with long, clawed fingernails and a small, sharply pointed nose.  Her hair was tied up in an ornate adamantine clasp, and she carried an angry-looking war hammer made of something that looked like gold.

   She went on, saying, "The Seal weakens daily.  Lucus-of-the-Hand still lives, but a melancholy has taken him, and the tower remains unfinished.  There are new horrors tearing into the mortal planes from the abyssal veil with every passing moment."  She paused to pull out a map of the cosmos that looked vaguely like a human child with chicken pox, if an anthill looks vaguely like an asteroid belt.

   A human deity of fishing from some backwater dimension interrupted.  "None of my constituents have been arriving in Limbo unharmed," she said.  "Any who do make it are waylaid or injured by the ones who don't."

    "It's intolerable," chirped a bird-like goddess of rebirth from Aluonra.  "All the recent stillborns have caused unspeakable misery across the world.  Or, most of the world, anyway."

   "And Lur?" Sahed asked sheepishly, brushing some rainbow dust of his shoulders.  "I hope he isn't lost in transit after he perishes.  I wish to have words with him."  Sahed licked his lips in a way that implied these words would involve a great deal of pain and begging for mercy.

   "Lur is somehow alive," said Kigok, with some resentment in her voice.  "But if he can find the sorcerer before it's too late, we might have an easy solution to this mess."

   "That's quite an if," said Otik the Blueness of Flickers, as he rubbed his mountainous forehead with fingers like tree trunks.

   "Have faith," said Kigok in a strange, faraway voice.

   Thoth the godling, who would eventually become Watcher of Aluonra in Lur's stead, now held the All-Seeing Eye that the former god had kept in his All-Seeing Tree.  Thoth preferred to house the artifact in a stuffed peacock, which he had dubbed, appropriately enough, the All-Seeing Bird.  Peering into the dark passage beyond the bird's yawning mouth, the young god spoke out.  "There's a giant blue turtle eating some lizard people."

   "Not now, Thoth," said Kigok, shaking her head at him.

   Thoth frowned.  "But they're in pain.  They're asking for our help."

   Every god and goddess in the chamber groaned.  It was a question every godling would eventually ask:  "Why can't we help the sad mortals?"  Kigok knew it was time for Thoth to get "the talk" about the Rules, but it would have to wait until later.

   "They're bad lizard people," she lied soothingly.  "Very bad.  Now please, Thoth, no more eyeball until after the meeting."

   Thoth looked concerned, but nodded and tucked the bird under his seat.  Kigok noticed the discomfort in the minds of her fellow deities and tried to think of something motivational to say.

   "Forgive me," said a walrus with a top hat, "but what is the point of continuing this meeting if all we are to do is sit on our flippers?  I say to Hell with the Rules. Let's roll into town and make some noise."

   Kigok sighed.  She decided on saying, "There is a chance Lur will survive long enough to succeed.  He knows what he must do now that he is part of the mortal realm."  She paused, sighed.  "But there is someone else that resembles him an awful lot who is about to cause quite a stir in our world.  Claims to have intimate knowledge of recent events.  And I can't read him, none of us can.  His mind is a..."  She searched for the word, "... a whiteness."

    She stared hard at the walrus.  He looked so silly, so harmless.  Dangerous assumptions, she scolded herself.  She met eyes with him, and gave him her most urgent smile.  "The point is unity before this crisis," she said.  "And entering the worlds would mean disaster, especially now.  Probability won't withstand that kind of firepower."

   "You have enjoyed dominating this meeting," came a voice that chilled even the ichor of the gods.  "Yet I have not spoken.  Are we not all equals here?"

   Kigok knew all about this one.  Her name was Ura, and her name was Death.  Fleshless and robed, she sat on an obsidian throne that hovered upside down, giving the impression of a torso protruding from the ceiling.

   "Do not distract from this topic, Ura," said Kigok in warning.  "Or do you have reasons for doing so?"

   "The old man is my prophet," Ura said through her ever-grinning teeth.

   There was an uproar.  Gods simply did not send prophets without securing the proper authorization.  It was forbidden, and just plain rude.

   "You're too much like your father, Ura!" screamed Harod the God of Sod over a concert of shouting.  "The same hubris.  And even more impetuous!"

    "Not everyone in Mother Kigok's order are meek enough to wait out this catastrophe," was Ura's reply, and her skeletal grin miraculously widened.

   I Thirst, said a voice so hideous, so awfully vile, that horror took the entire room in such a way that only gods may feel: a preternaturally villainous voice as vicious as the biting abyss beyond time, a voice that dripped with utter hatred for existence, older than it, greater than it, the fatherless skin of evil itself.

   A phantasmal shadow manifested in the chamber, surrounding Ura's skeletal frame, embracing it, adding eyes of etheric slime to empty sockets.  It enveloped her limbs which presently throbbed like an exposed and yet beating heart, and a darkness congealed around her as the tiles of the chamber ceiling peeled away into nothingness.

   Thoth cried out and fled from the chamber with a flash of light.  The worry of the remaining gods echoed in their collective minds, and their thoughts were as One as instantly as they'd thought they should so be.

   'The Foul One?  Here!  How?'

   I Thirst, said the unfathomable voice that crept around the room like the hungry tendrils of a colossal squid.  The unified mind of the gods focused on their most ancient enemy, a golden light filling the room and clashing with the spread of darkness bleeding into their sanctum.  Their physical forms flickered and faded as their concentration narrowed in on the battle of wills.

   "You will not disturb this Sanctum, Old One," said the gods.  'Ura, what have you done?'

    Ura said nothing.  The voice behind her did not speak, but hissed with the rattling sound of millions dying in pools of their own life.  The light in the chamber flared as fire and lightning rained from above.  An arc of frenzied energy shot out and struck the wall, and the entire structure around them shimmered and vanished, replaced by an utter, yawning cavern of chaotic proto-reality and pre-shapes, without meaning or any discernible form.

   The gods were troubled.  This was all very new to most of them.

   They had to abandon the Sanctum, they realized.  The Foul One had taken them by surprise and they hadn't reacted soon enough to win this battle.  The best they could manage was an infinite stalemate.  They knew it, and couldn't afford it.  Retreat was the only option they could take.

   Hells and damnations, they thought.

   And then they were gone.  Pitch, fetid tendrils of protoplasm crawled into countless realities like the blood of gods dripping down the walls of space itself.  Ura grinned, and her grin grew to fill the entirety of the Sanctum. 

*    *    *

   Far away on Aluonra, Lur panicked.  He was drowning.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 06:15:21 am by SethCreiyd »
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ArcaneSaint

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #218 on: October 03, 2010, 12:50:08 pm »

Quote from: SethCreiyd
Epic story revealing a new unexpected twist and finally revealing the feared "threat to existence"
That was... Beautiful. An awe-inspiring piece of work SethCreiyd, I really hope more will come.

My biggest fear is that this fort will somehow not stand up to it's predecessor's greatness and be overshadowed by the storyline, instead of being a part of it.
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cappstv

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #219 on: October 03, 2010, 02:50:32 pm »

That was beautifuls
Anyway, I will update sometime tonight. I will try to make it so the story doesn't overshadow the fortress too much.
Also, I think its very lucky that my god is one of the main gods.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 03:13:09 pm by cappstv »
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cappstv

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #220 on: October 03, 2010, 10:10:31 pm »

The Cappstv Letters
The Fetus Head Smash Festival
"Your highness, a letter from the dwarven spy Cappstv!"
"I will read it later, don't you know its time for the opening ceremony of the 'Fetus Head Smash' you worthless piece of trash!"
"Sorry my Queen."
The servant quickly scatter away as Led raise up her golden hammer as if to hit him. Led smiled after he left the room.

Fanfare played as Led ascended the stairs to the platform. There was a masterfully crafted table with a single fetus placed on top of it. The Queen stood facing the crowd and gave the signal to stop the music. She waited until every eye was on her and then she began her speech, "The title of this even is 'Fetus Head Smash Festival'. Just to inform everyone who might be offended, we shall only be smashing the fetuses of lesser species. That is all." The gold hammer swung down.

The old man was in the crowd, grasping his hip. He was smiling. He spoke to himself in a low whisper, "Led, when all of this is over It won't matter if you are a dwarf or a human." As he walk away from the crowd he stop grasping his hip. There was no point in pretending when out of sight. He walked right through a shadow and arrived outside the ruins of Battlefailed. Staring around at his surroundings he sat cross legged on the ground and began to whistle. 

Cappstv writes to Led about stuff
Dear Queen Led,
Have you ever wonder where the gods came from? If they were created, then what created them? And if a god could be created, does that mean a god could be destroyed? I don't know why I bother myself with such silly thoughts, but if Kigok Pokercooks were to suddenly be destroyed I wouldn't know what to do. But this is all just silly talk! Running a fortress is very stressful, and when I get get stress out my mind likes to think of silly things. Anyway like things are going fine over at the fort even though I am very stress out! Like so great some kid threw a party! It was kinda lame being a kid party but it still was a party!

Also I made an art galley for engravings and stuff!

Once again cappstv goes OCC
My surprise didnt work out as plan, but I am just going to pretend my art galley is a surprise. Also this doesn't really include any game play stuff cause NOTHING HAPPEN, besides a bunch of cows giving birth.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2010, 05:43:46 pm by cappstv »
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SethCreiyd

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #221 on: October 04, 2010, 02:36:17 am »

Nice storytelling cappstv, let's hope for some fun in the near future.

@ArcaneSaint, I'm happy you liked it :)  It's great fun to write these vignettes, but I don't want to hog the story or the thread, so I'll do my best to keep a more discreet pace.  I wouldn't want the story to overshadow the fort, the story is because of the fort.  It also helps that Aluonra is such a quirky place ^_^

I took a look around the save with 31.15.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

edits for content and spoilers and stuff
« Last Edit: October 04, 2010, 02:57:44 am by SethCreiyd »
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cappstv

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #222 on: October 04, 2010, 11:43:51 pm »

The Cappstv Letters
The Child and the Old Man
"What are you doing here mister?"
"Thinking. And you?"
The old man didn't had to ask, he already knew the reason. He knew the child would come, and he knew why the child had come, and he knows what they will do next. He was just doing it for conversation.
"Playing chess. Want to play with me?"
The boy produce a board and sat it down on the ground before the old man could even say yes. The old man slowly got up and walk over. He sat back down and stare at the board. The boy never lost a chess game in his life. That is why he came here, no one back home would play with him. And the old man knew the boy would beat him. Because the old man would let him.

Led Replies to Cappstv's last letter
Dear Cappstv,
Wow, what wonderfully profound thoughts! Maybe you should publish a book! NOW STOP THINKING ABOUT STUPID THINGS AND GET BACK TO SPYING!

From,
Queen Led

Cappstv gets back to spying, well kinda
Dear led,
I took your excellent advice and decided to try to get my journal publish! Oh and the saddest thing happen the other day! It turns out some guy die of thirst cause we had no buckets! We actually 3 dwarfs died. Actually I think that was 5 dwarfs. Maybe 6. The good news is that no more people will die cause the carpenter is making buckets! Oh wait, while writing this letter I was inform another one died. Good grief. This is rather sad.

Oh and then there is Vafe! Its a giant 3 eyed lobster beast thing. Everyone is afraid its going to kill us, but I think he looks cute! Besides how would it even get in? Also on a far more pleasant note, Lupusater has given birth! Well my golly another one has died of thirst! Now this just doesn't make sense! Its making me really sad. And what do you know another one has died! Oh my god every time I write a new sentence another person dies of thirst! I don't see why they keep on saying they can't use the buckets! Oh my god another person died! I don't know whats wrong! I am the worst overseer ever! I somehow spent the whole month writing this letter to you!
From,
Crying Cappstv

Led says something comforting
Dear Cappstv,
This is the best new I heard out of FailCannon yet. Thanks for telling me about it.
From Led

A Quick Intermission
So yeah, about the buckets. Well I somehow got buckets confuse with barrels in my head. Twice. So yeah. Luckly it was just a bunch of nobodies who died.

The Aftermath of the Chess Game
"Checkmate!"
"How does it feel to win a game fairly?"
The boy's expression of glee crawled back into oblivion. No one ever knew his secret.
"How do you know?"
"I know a lot of things. So much, if you were able to read my mind, your little head would probably explode."
"Is that why your mind is like...a whiteness? So you can stop my head from exploding?"
"No."
The old man's eyes turn wild and he pounce on top the boy. His bony hands began to grasp around the boys neck. A few moments latter the boy was dead. He got back on his feet and stare at the dead body.
"Well kid, at least you died proud to win a game without reading someone's mind. Even though I had to let you win." He glance back at the chess board. "Only a few more left to dispose of. Next stop shall be in FailCannon."
The old man sat back down.
"Now isn't the time. But soon it will be."

The last Letter of Summer
Dear Led,
I fix the problem I think. It turns out that I said buckets instead of barrels when I told the carpenters what to build. Opps. And even after I fix that people are still dying of thirst! I am a terrible overseer. But I can't be that bad if I have the best art gallery ever! I hear that every engraving that Oglo and Mac make are masterpieces, so this is going have to be good! Oh, a human caravan has just arrived! Write you later!

From,
Cappstv

The Old Man Arrives in FailCannon
It was raining when he arrived. The old man watch as Sithe Nifihrith slowly made his way across the land and suddenly stop as if he was a stature. Sithe was a human merchant, there to trade goods. But now he appear to be nothing more then a stature. He stood there in the rain, for days. And the old man stood there, watching him and the fortress.

Then it happen. An ambush.
A goblin ambush. 3 Dwarfs were outside heading to meet the merchant to see what was wrong. In a matter of seconds one of them was already dead and the other 2 were injury and on the run. Their screams could be heard inside the fortress. Now it was time to test The Gilded Lances. Meanwhile Lordslowpoke and dragonshadez decided to get married. The old man shook his head at the wonder of the dwarfs, and with perfect timing brought his head up to see the arrival of the another second ambush. Maybe it is not the time to test The Gilded Lances. The second dwarf was struck down. But wait, where are The Gilded Lances? As it turns out there is a bridge blocking there pathway so they couldn't exactly kick anyone butt. That is until they ordered someone to bring it down.
"The bridge is brought down.
The weather clears.
And they all rush out."
Said the Old man.
When I say they all rush out, I just don't mean The Gilded Lances. I mean the majority of the fort decided to rush outside. The old man shakes his head in wonderment, of course he already saw this coming, but it still somehow shock him. Normal civilians with no military training just rushing outside for what during a goblin ambush for what?

Somehow kobold thieves even enter the fray now. "Oglokoog must be taking a break from his engravings and throwing a tantrum now." Whisper the old man to himself. The old man turn back to the fighting. And then it was suddenly over. Blood of all types mix in the ground. Goblin, human, and dwarf. Corpses litter the grounds.

The old man walk through a shadow and arrived some place else.

The mystery!
Everything that has happen to me so far in this update was a result of that stupid bridge. The reason behind all the people dying of thirst wasn't buckets, it was because they were outside the fortress and they COULDN'T GET PAST THIS BRIDGE! I wish I figure out this whole bridge ordeal earlier, or I could have avoided the massacre that just happen (everyone rush outside, because they were going to finally give some water to their thirsty brethren!) I feel kinda stupid, but then again if someone hadn't build a bridge that strands about 15 dwarfs outside maybe the events would have not gone down as they had. The aftermath of everything that just happen is going to be fun trying to explain in the story, and now I also have to avoid a tantrum spiral, or survive one.
I will make a list of the dead tomorrow. Well those who had been dwarfed.

Oh god, what have I done.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2010, 11:47:01 pm by cappstv »
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Andreus

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #223 on: October 05, 2010, 02:55:33 am »

Scrawled Journal Entry, Undated

The stars.

The stars are fading, dying like the last one remaining in Lur's constellation. A blackness is seeping across the sky, visible to my eyes even during the light of day. All but twelve stars. Ura's stars now burn bright with the most vile and unwholesome candesence. Something truly cataclysmic has taken place in the land of the gods, and while the dwarves here toil in meaningless obscurity at the behest of an insane, genocidal human queen trying to recreate what was lost at Battlefailed, the entire multiverse is collapsing around us.

I think I've finally found a problem that is truly, utterly beyond my power to fix. We're all going to never have existed.

That being said, while I still do exist, I'm going to have a drink. A very, very strong drink.
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Urist Imiknorris

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #224 on: October 05, 2010, 07:55:43 am »

fucking bridges, how do they work
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Quote from: LordSlowpoke
I don't know how it works. It does.
Quote from: Jim Groovester
YOU CANT NOT HAVE SUSPECTS IN A GAME OF MAFIA

ITS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GAME
Quote from: Cheeetar
If Tiruin redirected the lynch, then this means that, and... the Illuminati! Of course!
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