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Author Topic: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.  (Read 50302 times)

scourge728

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #135 on: July 10, 2017, 08:06:14 am »

We'll be back in 2 years when the next update happens

Remalle

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #136 on: July 12, 2017, 01:07:30 am »

See you all in 2019!
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Ubiq

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #138 on: September 14, 2017, 02:41:42 am »

"Hark ye, all and so
 to this great tale
 true and full of woe.
 Of an elephant hale
 hearty and full of life
 who endlessly fell
 into a valley of strife.
Seven years to the day
he happened in his
own very humble way
a trap he did sorely miss.
One would think,
for it all it mattered,
a digbeard mirror
had he shattered.
His luck never improves
his story never moves
For all that time has he spent
not knowing last whence he went.
Little thought he had gave
and forgot the time to save.
How long these things could take
if he should ever forsake
to check in on time
or to make a rhyme,
which can take a hour or two
past the point when it was due.
Reciting is its own reward
(sorry if you're getting bored)
Humblest thanks to you,
grand ladies and gents,
that's stuck clean through
all this rambling nonsense
puns atrocious and plots worse
and all without recompense.
And that's my verse."

So, Reggie old doll, what do you think?"

"I think," so I said, "dear Eustace, that Great Uncle Milton would roll around the graveyard if he could hear your treasonous foray on all that is good and decent in poetry."

Eustace's response was, as ever, appalling and not worth repeating here.
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Immortal-D

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #139 on: September 16, 2017, 11:36:48 pm »

"Hark ye, all and so
 to this great tale
 true and full of woe.
 Of an elephant hale
 hearty and full of life
 who endlessly fell
 into a valley of strife.
Seven years to the day
he happened in his
own very humble way
a trap he did sorely miss.
One would think,
for it all it mattered,
a digbeard mirror
had he shattered.
His luck never improves
his story never moves
For all that time has he spent
not knowing last whence he went.
Little thought he had gave
and forgot the time to save.
How long these things could take
if he should ever forsake
to check in on time
or to make a rhyme,
which can take a hour or two
past the point when it was due.
Reciting is its own reward
(sorry if you're getting bored)
Humblest thanks to you,
grand ladies and gents,
that's stuck clean through
all this rambling nonsense
puns atrocious and plots worse
and all without recompense.
And that's my verse."

So, Reggie old doll, what do you think?"

"I think," so I said, "dear Eustace, that Great Uncle Milton would roll around the graveyard if he could hear your treasonous foray on all that is good and decent in poetry."

Eustace's response was, as ever, appalling and not worth repeating here.
Armok-speed, you magnificent elephant.

Ubiq

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #140 on: May 09, 2019, 09:34:56 pm »

I ventured close to the cage and was greeted with a nasally cry. "I'LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD". Ever polite and willing to give a new... let's go with... acquaintance the benefit of the doubt, I replied, "I beg your pardon?" "I'LL. GRIND. YOUR. BONES. TO. MAKE. MY. BREAD." "Indeed. I thought that was what you said. Unleavened or have you some powder in that cage?" "What?" "The bread. Are you intending on hard biscuits or something more sophisticated?"
This left the beast flummoxed since I doubt it had much in the way of a refined palate. Bread was something that I had no real personal experience with before the footrest but all civilized beings are familiar with it through birds who are great fans of that particular foodstuff. They were always praising it to the heavens that they descend from; I once knew a sparrow who had claimed to have sampled wide varieties of it from across the entire world. Counterinituitively, she often insisted that rockclads, of all things, were the best bakers and attributed it to them not having much else to look forward to in life. Though, to be fully honest, I've never yet met a bird who didn't considered him-or-herself to be the world's greatest living authority on baked goods.
Since arriving at this mixing pot of venality, vanity, and violence though, I have sampled a bit of those wares myself. Digbeards make it in the oddest fashion; they start with flour, which I understand is the customary and universal ingredient. The flour is made by taking something and grinding it into a dust; usually some straggly weed or another. The next process is to add something to the flour and then baking it to make biscuits. Something here can be taken to mean almost anything so long as it is roughly edible and some things that probably should not be. Cheeses, fruits, milk, fermented beverages, small vermin, medium vermin, larger vermin, meats, fats, undocumented sundries; the world's is a digbeard baker's oyster when it comes to bread ingredients and it is not impossible that the shell will be tossed in itself for flavor. At the very least, ground up for lightly dusting the top of said biscuits. I witnessed this first hand when my blueclad was apparently temporarily press-ganged into working in that field because of a footrest shortage of qualified laborers.
These biscuits are, on the whole, surprisingly edible and I am not above sneaking one from time to time. They'd never notice anyway since the digbeards often make them in ridiculously large quantities. Do watch those biscuits made with fermented beverages though as too many of those will give you the hobblegobbles as Great Aunt Matilda was wont to say.
The pointed-ear folk bread, medo I think it is called, is one that much is made of, particularly by smaller varieties of birds, but I cannot say much for it myself. It seems to barely make an impression especially when set next to the digbeard variety; I should not be surprised if the latter dent a stone slab in large enough quantities by sheer weight. I suppose the taller folk almost make some attempt or another at it but I've never encountered any of it to say.

Next time: Bread? Seriously? After almost two ye-
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Superdorf

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #141 on: May 10, 2019, 10:47:52 am »

I... I am so very happy right now. Thank you.
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Falling angel met the rising ape, and the sound it made was

klonk
tormenting the player is important
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Steedat

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #142 on: May 30, 2019, 07:53:35 am »

Is this based on a fort you're still playing? I can't keep my dwarves alive and interesting for a full month, let alone 8 1/2 years!

Anyway, really glad the stories are still being updated, they are quite entertaining. PLus, this means I can PTW without resorting to the Dark Arts.
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Immortal-D

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #143 on: May 30, 2019, 03:21:24 pm »

Next time: Bread? Seriously? After almost two ye-
That is not dead which can eternal pontificate.

nezclaw

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #144 on: June 10, 2019, 06:26:27 pm »

I have acquired a companion, so to speak. More a follower or hanger-on to be precise. He is another of the benighted batmen that wander these caverns though of a much, much more friendly variety. He is reputedly a bit of an outcast amongst his own kind and has been ever since felling a rampaging creature that was threatening his tribe. From what I can understand, it was a great black and white bird of steam that promptly dissolved when gently tapped with the shaft of his trusty nightcap spear. Since then, he's been an outsider from his clan. No gratitude amongst the deep classes, it seems.

I pondered for a moment what kind of mocking gods would create so many fragile monsters to throw at the world, but then I recalled that the selfsame gods also created digbeards. This is a malicious world created by malicious beings. At any rate, he seems intent on following me around though he is theoretically supposed to be showing me the way out. If nothing else, at least I have something else to talk to. My rapier wit and scintillating conversational skills are wasted on myself alone and, once you get past the "My Old Chum" every other sentence, he is an interesting fellow to talk to.
is. is that an Adam West's Batman reference.
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Dawnthunder: It menaces with spikes of tetanus
After the fire had burned down all of the wooden next boxes on the surface, Mottled Petrel was reluctant to replace them with more wooden nest boxes. Instead, he placed the remaining store of wooden nest boxes in the dormitory for any aspiring koopa mothers.

The nest boxes were immediately overrun by helmet snakes.

Ubiq

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #145 on: September 14, 2021, 12:11:40 am »

"I have to admit that you have me at a bit of a loss." The voice snapped me out of my extended internal monologue; it was still nasal but the difference between the initial yammering and the last was remarkable. "I'm not usually at a loss... well, unless it's that whole handshake deal. I always fall for that" said the demon, wringing its hands dramatically. "I'm supposed to seal a deal without one since that way, we're not bound to it on our end, but I just can't help myself. I make an offer, they take it, they automatically stick out their hand, and there I go. I really shouldn't have told you that I suppose."
"Well, as I do not have a hand, I cannot see the worry about it on your end.""Indeed, now that you mention it, is there anything you would trade your soul for? Any ungranted desire or secret longing?" "Have you looked around to see where we are? I have grown accustomed to disappointment. At any rate, you have already admitted that, without a handshake, you fully intend to cheat anybody you make a deal with. So I shall pass... for the foreseeable future."
"I'm not surprised. I'm bad at this but it was a safety school deal and a guaranteed job, see. There's a 2700 year wait for a spot in the Incubus program and the less said about the things you have to do to get into that school, the better. Muck or Gristle would have been options but I'm not at all convinced that those are really grow- "At this point, I began to wonder whether Woozles in general could talk Solon into a stupor or if it was just the current individual.  "Of course, there's Steam, but nobody actually really likes Steam so much as they're obligated to-" 
I cleared my throat, which is of impressive size and therefore of a great affect in a conversation. "How did you come to be in this... splendorous accommodation anyway?" "Excuse me?" "How'd you wind up in the clink?" I do apologize for the vulgarity of the language but I was beginning to accumulate the level of stress rarely encountered outside of an evening with Eustace.

"Well", said the creature, "it all started when... are you ready for a long story?" "You have no idea."

Next time: It would have been a tenth anniversary post but Reginald refused to have any part of 2020.
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fatcat__25

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #146 on: September 14, 2021, 01:13:32 pm »

This is legendary indeed. Reading through the story led to numerous outbursts of mirth on my part.
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Fort is running at 21 FPS, the ground is having a panic attack in places, and what looks like a conga line of zombified Hungry Heads has formed on (I think) Z-level 32 of the caverns.
I love dwarven status reports.

Ubiq

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #147 on: September 14, 2023, 12:11:35 am »

"Well", said the demon, wringing, as always its hands in dismay, "well, it started just like any other day. Same as any other day since time before time began. Which may sound odd, but believe m-" "I'm not sure I can in general" I said "but, on that one particular point, I have heard similar accounts from others. Please continue."

"Oh, there are others here from the land before time?" More wringing. The only thing put through more wringers than those hands is my own weary soul. "I should like to me-" "If you please, I think the land before time stopped being relevant after its first time around." Unforgivably brusque on my part to be sure but the whammy of whinging with wringing were working on me.  "Let's focus on the here and now if you could be so kind."

"Ah, well, myself and some of my frien... well, colleagu-... work acquaintances were going through the daily motions and we suddenly had the oldest feeling of time slowing to a crawl. Then one of them, I think it was Airk, said that the bearded fools had opened a path to the surface." Well, this certainly sounded like a digbeard thing to do. "So we made a rush for it. It was smooth oozing at first but then we ran into a bunch of giant spider. Not the usual demon types but the hairy, webby kind. Next thing I know they start spraying webs everywhere. I tripped and fell into this cage. Could be worse though; old Fraid took a web to his face and blundered into a giant sawblade. Kinda exploded. Just went "Pop" and then he was nowhere and everywhere if you get my drift." I nodded politely though, be frank, the only drift I was getting from this creature was his foul odor. That said, his retelling did indeed match prior observations of my own, which is a remarkable feat of honesty for a creature such as itself. And here I was hoping for some brief respite of ennui by being able to laugh at obvious falsehoods; this creature must lack the imagination even for that. "That does indeed clear things up though I'm not sure why you said it was a long story." "Oh, my, no, no, no. That was six months ago so that's just the intro for my story." 

Next time: Whinland Saga or The Lord of the Wrings.
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sodafoutain

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #148 on: September 14, 2023, 09:26:33 am »

No way, a new elephant at large post. Webbed demons are great.
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I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
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fatcat__25

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Re: The Life and Times of Reginald Goblinstomper, Elephant at Large.
« Reply #149 on: September 16, 2023, 11:36:07 am »

Keeping right on schedule this time, too. Every two years, almost down to the second.
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Fort is running at 21 FPS, the ground is having a panic attack in places, and what looks like a conga line of zombified Hungry Heads has formed on (I think) Z-level 32 of the caverns.
I love dwarven status reports.
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