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[Il Palazzo]

In his fortress in Andrast, Tom Cruise was asleep. However, a peaceful sleep it was not, for terrible nightmares tormented him. Visions of strife, of the past long gone, of the evil presence looming over the world and of hellish flames consuming his people, of a fiery mountain in which thousands of suns shone and burned his very soul to cinders. He had those same dreams ever since the Pantokrator dissapeared, but this time, it was different.
For suddenly, the conflagration subdued, the flames flickered and went out with a hiss, and the burning suns faded. From the darkness, a voice spoke:
"Tom. It is I, L.Ron Hubbard, God of Suffering, Lord of the Healing Arts, the Mountain Lord, whom you shall call your only God and Master. I have chosen you, for your thetan is pure, and your name is widely known amongst your people.
What you have seen was both the past, and the possible future. Middle Earth is in danger. Evil Xenu is coming and brings eternal misery to every immortal thetan he can find. But fear not, for I shall guide you. Thou shalt go into the deepest jungle, beyond the hidden mountain range, where you'll find my Apostles awaiting your call.
Tell them that the time is ripe, and the Great War is afoot. They will help you prepare for my coming, as only I can stop Xenu and his many minions from destroying the world with his suns of fire.
The darkness shall be your friend, and my divine touch will protect you. Go and spread the word of my imminent arrival. Gather followers, collect tithes, and erect temples to my name. Specifically, seek out those with high thetan count, for they are the lifeblood of my plans.
Now, my prophet, awaken, and do as I have told you."

Tom Cruise opened his eyes, in which a new purpose shone.

ed: typos

[Ignus]

Meh, he SOUNDS faithful but a couple of drinks and your prophet will forget about boring old Hubbard and his demon monkeys and become more of a man's man (if you know what I mean) like he's always wanted.

He'll dance for The Horned Prince with the rest of them. :boogies:

[Il Palazzo]

Well, to be honest with you, he's actually an animal. It says so right there, in the unit description.
I suppose, the best he could do, is become a man's animal then.

[Ignus]

Nope, that won't do. I'm not in the market for pets, already up to my armpits in harpies. I'll just have to transmogrify him first then teach him how to be a man's man.

Blimey, the lengths a semi-divine being has to go to to get a celebrity dancer these days.

[Il Palazzo]

Tom was not amused.
-Aitareya, you fat ape, how could you fail me so? I gave you my personal markata and atavi household servants, and only asked to go the the Western White Mountains and spread the word. How hard is it to go from cottage to cottage and hand out leaflets?
-But... but the undead! They wouldn't listen, they told us to screw ourselves!
-Why must I do everything myself?

[Lorak]

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

This was what they used to say, at least.  However, with the mysterious appearance of The Bamboo Grove in this barren wasteland, monks and warriors had started travelling from far and wide, by foot, to Mordor.  Something called to them, to learn the secrets of this grove and master the Five Elements.

The first monk to arrive was a man by the name of Yen-lo-wang.  When he arrived he was surprised to find a giant cyclops meditating in the grove.  Not wanting to disturb the meditation, he sat along the edge of the grove and waited.  One month later, the Cyclops finally nodded and acknowleged the presence of Yen-lo-wang. 

"You know why you have come here, so why do you feel so confused?"  asked the cyclops.

"Well truthfully... when I arrived here, I expected to find something more... magical,"  said Yen-lo-wang.  "Maybe somebody with high levels in multiple magic paths so that they could put out some serious blessings on..."

"Enough!"  Interrupted the cyclops.  "I am vastly powerful in magics" he said, as he unleashed a storm of pebbles, launching them clear across the valley of Gorgoroth.  "But my personal magic skills are not why I am gathering people here.  I am sure you have noticed an emptiness in the world.  An emptiness that needs to be filled, and only I am capable of doing so.  However in order to achieve this we need to... convince the rest of the world that I am the one true God."

"Well yeah, but couldn't you have picked a better area to start?"  Asked Yen-lo-wang.  "I mean, these neighboring provinces have like 6 and 4 income.  We'd be better off in the long run if we -didn't- conquer them because they'll never make up for the price of soldiers we'll have to sacrifice to gain control of them."

"What can I say?   I thought Mordor would be cool.  Deal with it."

[slMagnvox]

Maginrad. Mag the Rad, prophet of Cassette. God of all things awesome and magnetically recordable.

"This is why we've brought the tribes together! Rich lands, plunder. Driving women elsewhere and someone making lamentations regarding something. The things that are best in life! Our day has come!"

Grom, an inconsequential chief, spoke up. "Which one is the Shire?" he asked, waving at a immense hide stretched and inked in the style of a map.

The chiefs looked around at one another in anxious confusion until Maginrad laughed and then all but Grom joined in.

"Why," Mag boomed "It is surely there somewhere!" Only a noob couldn't find The Shire on a map of Middle Earth! Surely!

"Now a cheer for Mag and Cassette!" Shouts rang out and greatswords clattered. "We march on the morrow and let the lamenting be great!"

[Il Palazzo]

What a merry company.

[HLBeta]

I think I'm gonna enjoy spectating this round.

[Il Palazzo]

Davidesh Miscavigesh reported to Tom Cruise:
-Sir, we've found coupious amounts of gold in the West White Mountains.
-Gold? We must acquire this valuable resource to further our cause! Put the miners on 24 hour shifts and tax the bejesus out of the populace.
-There will be complaints. They might try and take a legal action.
-Let them. Our lawyers' skill and cruelty is legendary. Dismissed!
-Sir, one more thing.
-What is it now?
-Shouldn't we be saying "behubbard" instead of "bejesus"?
-Good point, I'll get our PR apes to work on this.

[Lorak]

According to Llamaserver, there is now a new version of Dominions 3.  Will this affect our game any?  Should we get the new version?

[Il Palazzo]

I think we need to stay on the old copies.

[E. Albright]

The new version is not yet in fact released. I'll be annoyed if all Llamaserver's talk of being shut down 'til it gets patched up-to-date means it's just gonna sit in limbo until release does finally happen...

[e] Nope. 

[Il Palazzo]

Jonash Travolta triumphed.
He knew his name was widely respected, but the scale of his victory was surprising all the same.
Once he was announced as a contender for the title of Arena Champion, all the other contestants quickly scurried away, so that when he appeared on the stage to dance his trademark dance from Pulp Fiction, nobody rose to challenge his skill.
As he started on a way home, he caressed his newly acquired prize trident, which sparkled in the moonlight.
"I knew I was good, but now, I'm fabulous!"


Tom looked upon the hills gently rolling before him.
-"Yes, this is good, this land is fertile. And we will thrive. And we'll call this land... "This Land", and...
-"Excuse me, are you Tom Cruise?" a voice behind startled him, and broke his line of thought.
-"Why, yes..." He said as he was turning to face the speaker.
-"Good, good. Can I have your autoghraph..." The voice suddenly became cold as ice, "in your own blood?"

R.I.P. Tom Cruise. Some local militia didn't like your movies.


Let it be known among all the nations of Middle Earth, that the glorious nation of Lanka claims the lands of Gondor in the name of Scientology. Let none dare to enter the plains and forests of Ithilien, especially not those dirty little asian guys, who reside in Mordor. Any further influx of immigrants past the bulwarks of Minas Morgul will be regarded as a show of bad taste, lack of manners, intolerance of legally registered religion, and politically incorrect behaviour.
In other words - don't you go into Gondor, or we'll sue you!

ed: Mother effin' Lorak, 19 gems income on turn 6? How do you even do that?

[E. Albright]

I'm gonna guess Lorak has a tender, juicy, sleep-deprived rainbow pretender, plus an unwholesome amount of luck. Not Luck, mind you: luck.