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Author Topic: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416  (Read 39855 times)

Kagus

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All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« on: December 24, 2010, 04:28:55 pm »

Well, looks like it's that time again folks...  Time for me to take off to an exotic and exciting country to do something wonderful and tell you all how horrible it is.

The current delicious meal on my plate is the Norwegian military.  Some of you may remember my experiences with the Norwegian school system, and their fantastic student loan setup.  Well, in order for me to take advantage of all that, I had to be listed as a Norwegian citizen with a home address in Norway.

Well, it just so turns out that Norway requires a year of compulsory military service from all male citizens living in Norway aged 18 and over.

I'm aged 18 and over, I'm a citizen, and so far as the Norwegian government knows I'm living in the country.  Three for three!


I was volunteered for the signup time in January, which means I'm going to be enlisted into the army in the middle of winter.  Also, because I'm headed for the Communications Battalion, I'm going to a lovely little spot that's jammed so far north in Norway that nobody else wanted it, so the military took it.

Yessir, I'm going to the cold part of a cold country in the cold time of the year.  My 6'2" 157lb frame is practically shivering with excitement!


Since I'm going to be headed into Norway around that time anyways, I figured I might take Hatman up on his offer of spending New Year's Eve in proper Viking style.  Namely, completely plastered and trying to remember where you are.

However, the only reasonable flight I could take around this time was one that leaves at 8:00AM Christmas morning and will drop me off in Norway sometime on the 26th.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm dreaming of a High Christmas (not like the ones we used to blow).


Horrible jokes aside, I'm going to be spending Christmas Eve packing bags instead of opening them.  And, in the spirit of the season, my body decided that this would of course be the perfect time to catch some free-flying virus to get down and party with.  I've kicked most of it, but the wee bastard is probably going to still have its aftershock claws in me for the many-hour flight(s) I'll be taking very early in the morning.  Joyous times indeed.


It's been a while since I've had anything to blog about, and I figured that service in the Norwegian armed forces would probably be about as good an opportunity as I could hope for, with lots of secret maneuvers to describe in detail and hidden bases I can upload pictures of.  However, I will most likely not be allowed a personal computer for the first several weeks of duty, so this thing is going to die for a little while just when it's time to get interesting.


While I've never really been able to picture myself in a military position, I've been showered with great quantities of love and support from friends, relatives, friends of relatives, and people whose names and/or connections I can never remember.  Everyone says that it will be a wonderful experience for me, that I'll love it wholeheartedly, that it suits my personality (?!), and that I'll make lots and lots of dear friends. 

They also express their deep concern over 'The Hair'.

Spoiler: The Hair (click to show/hide)


As it turns out, the Norwegian military actually has a few brains stockpiled in strategic locations, so they had the sense to use the same hair length/style restrictions for males as for females.  Which means I get to keep The Hair, so long as I keep it tidy and under control.  Hopefully, this isn't just some sneaky recruiting tactic and I will indeed be allowed to save the many years of work that went into growing this thing (it's exhausting to let hair grow naturally).

For those of you who might be wondering, the answer is no; I will not be fighting in any wars.  Considering that there really aren't that many people who even know that Norway is a country, most of the warlike types have been busy throwing rocks at closer and warmer neighbors.  The only people who will ever see real action are those who volunteer to join the NATO peacekeeping forces.

Cozy as it is in Afghanistan, I'd rather be safe than warm.


Well, that's pretty much it for now, just figured I'd get this thing set up now so I'd know where to go when I start actually writing.  If you have any questions or comments, feel free to come at me with them.  I'm well-versed in the art of defending myself from hurled text.  Bananas, however, are to be kept at a safe distance until after I've completed boot camp and have learned how to combat them (obscure reference, go!).

Grakelin

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2010, 04:32:39 pm »

Is this thread all about you talking about your enlistment in the Norwegian draft? I think you'd be better off getting a blog.

Everybody knows Norway is a country, by the way, unless they haven't received the benefit of an education. It's just that Norway is so distant and embedded into the heart of Western civilization that nobody else is able to attack it, without carving through all of Europe first.
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olemars

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2010, 06:50:12 pm »

Nothing wrong with this kind of thread.

Norway shares a northern border with russia. Which is why most of the army is stuck up there. I was at a northern navy base myself for my year of service (coastal artillery/coastal rangers), although I managed to grab one of the cushy jobs there - IT tech assistant. It's a few years back now, but I still remember a few of the intricacies of being a norwegian conscript if you want some sage advice. Judging by what I take to be your expectations, you're in for a journey of discovery and surprises...

Someone sort of lied to you about the compulsory part though. Technically it is compulsory, but only a small percentage actually end up doing it. Too late now though, if you got the summons already, unless you catch religion.

Keeping your hair tidy and under control - if you have longish hair, that means in the norwegian military 1 (one) standard issue olive hair net. If you want to grow a beard you have to fill out a form (in triplicate, all forms are in triplicate) including a description and a sketch of the intended beard configuration.

Do you know which base you're going to yet?

As for traditional norwegian new years eve among the youth, it's quite easy. Drinking yourself blind and injuring yourself and others through unsafe handling of fireworks is pretty much it.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2010, 06:58:48 pm by olemars »
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Kagus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2010, 01:06:38 am »

Aye, this is indeed suited for the blog-type arena.  And maybe someday I will enter into the true blogosphere.  But for now, I still feel beholden to the few people who followed my old threads, and so I wanted to post it on the forum.

And I've met people who thought Norway was the capital of Sweden.  Yeah, they got an education...  Just not a particularly good one.


As a member of the Communications Battalion, I'm probably going to end up with the camping equivalent of a desk job.  With any luck, we'll learn how to jam the local TV signal.

Military service in Norway is at least more compulsory than it is here.  I mean, they do ask.  And I could've gotten out of it at any time by just informing the Norwegian government that I was not, in fact, living in the country (which I wasn't).  But that would've caused some complications with the school system, and spending a year making pocket change is better than a year spent making loan payments.

I haven't heard anything about a hairnet.  Everything I've seen and heard so far has just indicated a need for it to be kept in a neat ponytail.


I'm going to be heading up to Bardufoss for fun and profit.  Never been there, but I hear they have some lovely...  Uh...  Hell, I don't know.  What does Bardufoss have?


I've got a bit of a beard now, but with the difficulty of trying to maintain a military-standard beard I figured it would be easier for me to just shave it off before I get in.

Also, the phrase 'discovery and surprises' is incredibly disturbing.  I fear for my life now.  Thanks.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2010, 01:09:38 am by Kagus »
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RedKing

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2010, 07:37:10 am »

Oh, you think you've got it easy now. Just wail until Svalbard declares independence and invades Norway with its amphibious polar bear cavalry.
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Jackrabbit

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2010, 10:59:01 am »

Well sir, the best of luck to you. Maybe you'll learn something that'll open up a Punisher-Esq vigilante career somewhere down the line.

In, uh, Norway.
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RedKing

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2010, 11:01:07 am »

Worked for Roland the Thompson Gunner.
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Askot Bokbondeler

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2010, 11:10:54 am »

interesting thread is interesting

sonerohi

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2010, 12:07:20 pm »

*Sees Kagus*

Oh Yeeeaaaah.
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Kagus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2010, 04:17:52 pm »

Many, many hours later and I arrived in Norway.  I promptly got into the spirit of things by assuming I needed to pay import duties on duty-free alcohol, thus nearly doubling the cost of some whiskey I picked up for Hatman.  No customs official informed me of this, I was merely misled by the all-too-conveniently-placed automated customs machine for alcoholic beverages.  Not entirely sure why I thought I needed to do this, but I think it was probably the uncertainty of my first time buying duty-free combined with the mental state acquired from nearly 20 consecutive hours spent either in a plane or in an airport.


Hatman and To-be-named (Hatman's betrothed) have both been in full form and have welcomed me into their home with open arms and tales of what greatness they've managed to accomplish without my help.

Because they need to drive for 10-12 hours on January first, they've decided to abstain from drinking on New Year's Eve.  In order to maintain their alcohol intake, it has been decided that they're going to have a mini-New Year on Wednesday, inviting a few friends over.

While it is indeed always fun to have a bit of fun (and also to show off my miraculous ability to not wake up with a hangover), we're all quite curious and excited as well.  This is due to the fact that, apparently, quite an amount of thought and consideration has gone into planning for my visit, most of it without my knowledge.  This includes one very interesting and unexpected parcel:

Hatman and To-be-named have gone over their lists of contacts and picked out two of the most prospective ladytypes that they're going to try and set me up with.  This is a fact that Hatman told me very discreetly one day so that I would be let in on the hidden agenda, but which turned out not to be entirely so secret because To-be-named has been anything but subtle about the affair (I do love a bit of honesty now and again...).

I asked Hatman what exactly the rationale was behind introducing me to potential mates in the period directly preceding my enrollment in the Norwegian military.  I was awarded with a noncommittal answer that essentially amounted to "We're curious.  It's an experiment".


I've brought along a vast cargo of Inka Corn this time around, so the corny goodness has been flowing freely.  Chances are, it should be quite popular with the various drunken partygoers.  I've also been taking advantage of the centerpiece of the main room here, which happens to be an Xbox.  Already, a great many hours have been thrown away on this senseless attraction.

As an aside, Red Dead Redemption is a remarkably effective timesink.


Currently I don't have any real plans for after New Year's.  This needs to be remedied rather quickly.  I might consider taking a quick hop out to John Smith so we can philosophize on the Philistine songs and artists that had the audacity to start their careers after 1977 (a select few from the 90's are spared contempt), but with matters as they currently are I don't really know if that all is going to fit together.


Not a huge update, no, but it's what I've got for now and I felt like writing something.  Tomorrow should yield some entertaining tidbits, at the very least.

sonerohi

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2010, 06:24:48 pm »

You are going to be part of their human centipede. They set you up on a date out in nowhere, ambush you, take you to the lab, and no one ever finds you.
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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2010, 10:03:12 pm »

Norway shares a northern border with russia.

Don't mean to derail but not even close.
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Sowelu

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2010, 10:11:29 pm »

My god.  That hair...is glorious.
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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2010, 10:15:49 pm »

Norway shares a northern border with russia.
Don't mean to derail but not even close.
Don't mean to derail but you're spreading blatant lies.

More on topic, I find the details of this thread hilarious.
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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2010, 10:22:04 pm »

I was wrong not lying.

And I got me a new signature.
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