I get most of my images off of sites with explicit content. That's nothing compared to the horrors I've seen.
Cure for brain bleach: B'AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
That, however, is something. 
Anyway, link to my story for suggestions/revisions/unwarranted praise/etc.:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w2lF1bySlCiItqqi4eGvmm7XSyEYpLUDDS2UY6LRjm0/edit?hl=en_US
It's shipping/grimdark with a few OCs.
If anyone's an artist, feel free to draw a picture since it would help the guys at EqD.
There really aren't any serious problems with spelling and grammar, but I do have one suggestion. As is, it feels more like a short story, and you could probably dispense with chapters altogether, particularly since you've concluded this in a single document. IMO you only need to break a fic into chapters if you plan on writing and releasing it as such. If you still wanted to keep the format you have, I would suggest compressing the first four chapters into one or two, as they appear to be there mainly to establish Cherry's character and the tone. You could also probably work on your pacing, as it felt as if you were rushing to arrive at the minor and major climaxes (the first was just for pun
), which doesn't feel entirely natural and ends up leaving the reader wondering what it was for when the finale goes by so quickly.
So yeah, basically slow things down and take your time unfolding the story, and consider reformatting it as a short story, because IMHO you don't really need 8 chapters for 14 pages. If you do want to keep it as chapters, I'd recommend compressing them to maybe four or five, and probably go ahead and move to a new page when starting a chapter, for the sake of clarity.
One last note: One of the major things I would expand on is the characterization, both of the OCs and of the canon characters, to help them feel more like real
people ponies, which is by far the most important thing in any fiction, as readers have a hard time enjoying reading about characters if they feel like cardboard cutouts of actual people. I'm not exactly an expert, but you could do this through internal monologues, increased dialogue, or simple third person explanation of motivations and emotions. For the canon characters, draw from the show. Think about what the characters feel like when you watch them, and then try to replicate that in your writing. If actions and conversations involving canon characters don't feel like something you could see them doing or saying, rework it. For the OC characters, develop your conception of their personalities and motivations, and base their actions off of that.
Hope I helped a litte...
(and I really wouldn't call that grimdark. Maybe light dark. Won't spoil the story for anyone, but this is really light compared to, say the 40K/FiM crossover, which was also classified as grimdark.)
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Topic: When did ponies become awesome? What else have I missed? (take 2) (Read 415918 times)