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Author Topic: Dwarf Fortress Commercials  (Read 11219 times)

FearfulJesuit

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2011, 12:25:19 pm »

It might be fun to do a Dwarf Fortress series of movies.

DWARF FORTRESS I: BOATMURDERED
DWARF FORTRESS II: BATTLEFAILED
DWARF FORTRESS III: ARDENTDIKES

Preview for Boatmurdered:

[Epic voiceover, with accompanying clips of fairy-tales.]
We have heard the stories. Stories of greatness and conquest, of honour and chivalry. Stories of dragons and gold, of damsels in distress.

[Cut to a shot of a rampaging elephant chasing a small, bearded creature in silhouette.]

This is not one of these stories.

THIS SUMMER

"There's only one way to defend our alcohol."
"What?"
"Operation Fuck the World."

BE PREPARED

"I engraved your bedroom! There's a picture of that time when Shorast caught on fire."
"..."

FOR THE LITTLE GUY

"If I pump the magma to the outside, the water will evaporate! I see no flaw in this plan."

TO MAKE A BIG MISTAKE

"WELCOME TO FUCKING BOATMURDERED!"

SLAVES TO ARMOK: THE MOVIE
CHAPTER I: BOATMURDERED
IN THEATERS THIS SUMMER

« Last Edit: April 12, 2011, 08:06:41 pm by dhokarena56 »
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@Footjob, you can microwave most grains I've tried pretty easily through the microwave, even if they aren't packaged for it.

Karnewarrior

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2011, 01:43:51 pm »

Epic

This is what I made this thread for. Right here.
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Oliolli

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #17 on: April 12, 2011, 01:48:11 pm »

DWARF FORTRESS I: BOATMURDERED
DWARF FORTRESS II: BATTLEFAILED
DWARF FORTRESS III: ARDENTDIKES

You forgot...

DWARF FORTRESS IV: HEADSHOOTS
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Quote from: Girlinhat
When all you've got is an adjustable spanner and an entire freight warehouse of terrifying cogs and gears, everything looks like "just a prototype".
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UberNube

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2011, 01:48:51 pm »

epic

This made my day so much better :D
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Gatleos

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2011, 01:56:25 pm »

DWARF FORTRESS I: BOATMURDERED
DWARF FORTRESS II: HEADSHOOTS
DWARF FORTRESS III: BATTLEFAILED
DWARF FORTRESS IV: ARDENTDIKES
There we go.

Don't forget the gaiden series, DWARF FORTRESS ADVENTURES.

DWARF FORTRESS ADVENTURES I: OBOK MEATGOD
DWARF FORTRESS ADVENTURES II: CACAME AWEMEDINADE
DWARF FORTRESS ADVENTURES III: THOLTIG CRYPTBRAIN
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Chessrook44

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2011, 02:40:46 pm »

DWARF FORTRESS I: BOATMURDERED
DWARF FORTRESS II: HEADSHOOTS
DWARF FORTRESS III: SYRUPLEAF
DWARF FORTRESS IV: BATTLEFAILED
DWARF FORTRESS V: ARDENTDIKES
Fix'd

And I'm glad people liked the "This is not one of those stories" bits.  Yay!

In fact, here's one more to add that I just thought of...

[Again, a hawk is seen flying through the air, but from above, looking down at a wasteland, passing over the occasional scorched corpse and skeletal animal.  An accented voice speaks up.]  "The histories of the world are filled with stories and legends.  Of heroes slaying mighty beasts.  Of armies clashing against one another.  Of good triumphing against impossible odds.  This..."
[Camera pans up, to reveal a massive statue of a dwarven hammer sticking up out of the countryside, smoke trailing from a hole at the base where flaming beings fight against armor-clad dwarves.]
"...IS one of those stories."
[Title screen: DWARF FORTRESS VI: NIST AKATH]
[Coming Soon]
« Last Edit: April 12, 2011, 02:47:09 pm by Chessrook44 »
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FearfulJesuit

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2011, 09:41:56 pm »

Also, the dwarves should be voiced by Scots, the humans by Americans, the goblins by Germans, and the elves by valley girls.
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@Footjob, you can microwave most grains I've tried pretty easily through the microwave, even if they aren't packaged for it.

ragnarok97071

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2011, 09:54:53 pm »

Even the...

Especially the guys.
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Jeoshua

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2011, 10:02:39 pm »

"Oh my god guys, wood, is like, totally murder."

*Gay looking elf checking out his reflection in a shiny wood compact, posing with his new wooden armor.  Dwarf looks on, camera is behind him, showing only a shadow, as the shadow reaches for a lever*

"You should stop cutting down all these herr trees, or, MAN is my Queen going to be Aaaaa-aang-Re-ee with you guys!" flipping his hand and batting his eyelashes."

*Sounds of gears turning in the distance.  Mechanisms in the background slide open, and a rushing noise starts to grow*

"So anyways, about these animals and stu---"

*!!MAGMA'd!!*

Announcer: "Dwarf Fortress.  Magma never tasted so good."
« Last Edit: April 12, 2011, 10:04:39 pm by Jeoshua »
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I like fortresses because they are still underground.

Byakugan01

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2011, 11:17:11 pm »

Ah, fantasy. We all know those stories from our childhoods from our childhoods.
Heroes saving a world from darkness (Cue dragon falling to the ground, slain by a mighty warrior who hoists his sword in triumph).

Mystical elves, creatures of wisdom and wonder (cue noble-looking elven court).


The great armies of knights on horseback, clashing with the forces of evil (cue helm's deep style calvalry chrage).

Treasures of untold wealth and value, with that one special trinket of yore waiting for a hero (cue sword with golden hilt and glowing blade within a dragon's hoard).


This (cue shot of a dwarf holding a small, adorable bird thing...then chucking it-with a squeak-at a nearby bronze collosi, shattering it's head) is (cue shot of elves elegantly dining-then zoom out to show they're eating the corpse of one of their own- sign saying Aweminande Household can be seen in the background) NOT (cue shot of a human army, urging their steeds onward and-zoom out to show them being chased by 2 dwarves as the horses run in fear) one of these stories.

(Cue shot of a dwarf  and a "hero" type walking down a hallway engraved with pictures of cheese, elephants and burning dogs) "And here be the wealth o' the dwarves", (door opens to fittingly dramatic music...as the "hero gazes in wonder...only to immediately get a "WTF?!" look on his face as the camera pans out. Inside the room is a vertiable mountain of rock mugs, rock instruments, and rock toys) "THIS is your wealth?!" "Well hey, you don;t barter as well for coins now do ye?"


(Cut back out) Not at all.
(Cut back to previous scene) "Well, is there anything useful in here?" *dwarf wades into the pile of mugs, throwing them casually over his shoulder. "Ah, here we are...this is Brockmock the Immortal Goblin Licker", the dwarf says, holding up an item of undescribable beauty and intricacy...except for the fact it's a mug."
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From Mr. Welch's 1350 things he is not allowed to do in a RPG:
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.

Lost Requiem

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #25 on: April 12, 2011, 11:31:15 pm »

I think for a game like this, you'd have a bunch of Meet the Team-esque videos, each about some particular piece of the dwarven culture. Relationship with elves, gobs, etc.
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Oliolli

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #26 on: April 12, 2011, 11:33:29 pm »

I think for a game like this, you'd have a bunch of Meet the Team-esque videos, each about some particular piece of the dwarven culture. Relationship with elves, gobs, etc.

Or all the major jobs.
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Quote from: Girlinhat
When all you've got is an adjustable spanner and an entire freight warehouse of terrifying cogs and gears, everything looks like "just a prototype".
Quote from: ThatAussieGuy
You all turned Swordthunders into a bastion of madness that seems to warp in on itself under its own hatred of sanity.  I'm so happy!
Quote from: Loud Whispers
drowning babies everywhere o-o

Lost Requiem

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #27 on: April 12, 2011, 11:42:59 pm »

Of course. I just didn't feel like going down the whole list.

I can already see a lot of people dropping half the job roster into the magma sea. I already have a script for the beekeeping video.
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Oliolli

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #28 on: April 12, 2011, 11:47:12 pm »

Where the "Meet the team" -videos show Red as superior, I somehow don't think "Meet the dwarves" would show them like that. More likely not one of them lives through the whole clip.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2011, 11:56:03 pm by Oliolli »
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Quote from: Girlinhat
When all you've got is an adjustable spanner and an entire freight warehouse of terrifying cogs and gears, everything looks like "just a prototype".
Quote from: ThatAussieGuy
You all turned Swordthunders into a bastion of madness that seems to warp in on itself under its own hatred of sanity.  I'm so happy!
Quote from: Loud Whispers
drowning babies everywhere o-o

Byakugan01

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #29 on: April 12, 2011, 11:50:23 pm »

What about Asax, Cacame, and Morul? How would commercials for THEIR movies go? Asax, obviously, would be done in the vei n of TTGL.
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From Mr. Welch's 1350 things he is not allowed to do in a RPG:
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
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