As I continue down Route 3, I am challenged by a school kid.
I studied at the Pokemon Academy in Striaton! Go, Blitzle!
It's like a zebra and a unicorn got into a three-way with Thor, God of Thunder
Not only is this the coolest looking Pokemon I've seen thus far (faint praise, but praise nonetheless) it is also a potent threat to my party. It's higher level than both Cletus and Timon, the electricity has type advantage against Marvin and Cletus, and Timon has crap defense. It takes some luck, a Super Potion, and a lot of Bites to take it down.
I was so overcome by your greatness I forgot everything I learned! [actual dialogue]
You would be surprised at how often that happens. You fought well though, and I'm a sucker for flattery, so after I'm Champion I'll give you a position of power in my new world order.
Not too much farther along I can see Cheren standing next to some tall grass.
Hey, didn't we just battle? Why am I seeing you again so soon?
No, not a battle, I just wanted to warn you about the tall grass here. See how its darker than the rest of it? Grass like this is special, and teeming with Pokemon- you may be attacked by two at once!
Sweet Mew! Go, Cletus!
Defend me, Snivy! ...Snivy?
***MEANWHILE, BENEATH WELLSPRING CAVE***
My parcel has arrived! Excellent! Soon, my device will be complete- once I install this last, crucial, irreplaceable part, the Confectionery Converter of Science
will begin turning everyday berries into Rare Candy! I will become all powerful!
Pizza Delivery! Did somebody order a pizza?
What!?! Of course not! Pizza is an entirely unsuitable food for villainy! How did you even get down here, we're under thirty feet of water!
Listen buddy, somebody here ordered a pizza and I'm not leaving until I get twenty bucks.
This is outrageous! I shall pay you, but only because I am in the midst of very important business that cannot be delayed any further- and don't expect a tip, either! Now where did I put my billfold, is it on my desk? No, no, when I came in I had my parcel, so I couldn't put it down until I dropped that, so I must have been over by the Shrink Ray...
Aha! It is I!
What!?! Secret Agent Snivy! You deliver pizzas now?
No, you cad, it was a clever ruse I perpetrated in order to gain entry to your secret base, and obtain this
NOOO! Not the crucial irreplaceable Confectionery Converter component! Do you have any idea how many box tops I had to save to get that? I ate so many Dugtri-O's...
of them, I'd wager.
Blast! I'll get you next time Secret Agent Snivy, just you wait and see!
***MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PLOT***
Well, that was good XP for Cletus and Timon, but you weren't kidding about how dangerous it is.
Your road is hard enough without unexpected double teams. Anyway, I'm heading on to Nacrene City- I'll see you there!
Nacrene City- a pearl of a place! For a run-down train stop, anyway
After beating up on some more school children, I arrive at Nacrene City. Nacrene appears to have once been an important stop on the Unova Railroad, but in recent times it seems the railroad has gone untended and the warehouses have been repurposed into homes. Places of interest include Nacrene City Gym (which I will ignore for now in lieu of further training) and Nacrene City Cafe.
But first, it's time for another round of breaking and entering! If only the residents weren't so annoying...
What do I do? I'm an artist- I'm doing some experimental stuff right now, you probably wouldn't understand it.
Yeah, that's nice, I'm just looking for some free stuff.
Burgh from Castelia City comes by here sometimes to check out my stuff. No big deal, I knew him before he was a Gym Leader.
Great, look, nothing here so I'm just gonna-
I wouldn't bother swinging by the cafe; it used to be a great place, but then it got really mainstream. There's always a crowd of people from out of town.
Sorry, don't care, leaving now.
Fortunately, not everyone in this town is a jerk.
Wow, you have a Pokedex? I'm a big Pokemon activist, so I want to help you on your journey. You have an Oshawott, right? Here, take this Mystic Water. It powers up water type moves!
Why thank you, special guest Zooey Deschanel
! How did you know my first Pokemon was Oshawott, though?
Your victory in Striaton was on TV the other night- sorry about your Pansear. Good luck taking on Lenora- she's the Gym Leader here, and she uses Normal types. Should be a good match!
Naturally, I have Marvin hold the Mystic Water. It precludes him holding a berry of any kind, but the added boost to his already formidable Special Attack makes him something of a cannon. Heading on next door...
Hello, hello, welcome to my shop!
Well hello, my surprisingly ethnic friend! This is a shop?
Yes, yes, I've started my own business here! I've got plenty of battle items for purchase by wealthy Trainers like yourself- X Defend, for defending your loved ones! Dire Hit, for when you really need a crit! Guard Spec., to protect your stats!
Battle items? Haven't you heard that unauthorized selling of battle items is now illegal?
But of course! And with an important Gym right in town, there is high demand, yes? It is the perfect business!
I cannot condone such a thing! I bid good day to you, sir!
Goodbye, and remember, when you need Battle Items I am only a warehouse away!
To wash the taste of that sordid affair from my mouth, I head up to the Cafe Warehouse- if that hipster didn't like it, it must be a nice place to be.
Welcome to the Cafe Warehouse- on Wednesdays we offer a Trainer special!
So it is! Have a Soda Pop!
Soda Pop is like Fresh Water, but fancier- it restores 60 hp instead of 50. It'll also rot your teeth. But hey, free is free! The only place left to check out in town is the Gym, but I'd like to train Cletus and Timon up some more, so I decide to see how far up the path I can advance.
A bit to the west of Nacrene City is Pinwheel Forest. After beating on a Trainer or two, I am helpfully given Rock Smash
. I am also advised that sticking to the path is safe and the easy way through the forest, while going off road is something of a maze.
Unfortunately, staying on the road means I run into the back of a Team Plasma Rally. In order to eliminate the old-fashioned way of looking at things, we will steal Pokemon! You will never play together again! If their Pokemon are liberated, Trainers will no longer be Trainers! We are in the right! Everyone else is in the wrong! If you don't think the same way we think, we'll use all of our power to eliminate you! [actual dialogue]
Their PR guy needs work. Guess I'll take the long way around.
The first trainer on the "long way" is a nurse (using another
Munna- I've now seen more Munnas than Blitzles) who says she will heal my Pokemon whenever I ask. Apparently she went to the same tech-free med school Cheren attended, but I won't ask questions since it saves me a walk back to town. The next few trainers, however, appear to be more Spartan preschoolers.
ROGGENROLA! PREPARE FOR GLORY!
[A BEAUTIFUL DEATH AWAITS!]
Gah, it's hideous! Cletus, remove it from my sight!
[Sho thing, boss!] *CONFUSION* *CONFUSION* *CONFUSION* *TACKLE*
*TACKLE* *ROCK BLAST*
Ouch, rock type moves. Looks like Cletus will make it tho- *ROCK BLAST* *ROCK BLAST*
MERCIFUL MEW, WHY DOES IT HIT MULTIPLE TIMES!?!
[Aw, dang] *K-O*
NOOOOO! Not Cletus, he was useful! *sigh* Finish the job, Marvin.
[Everyone I meet dies.] *Water Gun*
Bollocks, its going to be tricky to replace Cletus.
...Well, at least it isn't this game's Weedle.
Yeah, it's a Pidgey. The retarded Unovan Pidgey.
I don't even feel like trying. Your new name is Heinrich.
Heinrich: Relaxed, and thoroughly cunning (as cunning as a creature that has trouble remembering multiple steps can be, I suppose.) Ability: Big Pecks
- Protects the Pokemon from defense lowering attacks.
Despite being a lamer, more cuddly version of Pidgey, Heinrich does have a nice learnset (at this part of the game, anyway.) After some training, he learns Air Cutter
, a move with moderate power that hits both opponents in a double battle AND has a higher critical hit ratio than other moves. He also learns Roost
, a move that restores an amount of hp = half the user's maximum. Unfortunately, that training is against some UGLY ass Pokemon.
The scar makes him cool, right?
This three fingered monstrosity is Sawk. If his name is a pun, I don't get it. Despite his coloration leading me to believe he was part grass or bug, this guy is pure Fighting type. I have NO IDEA what he is supposed to be- I thought the uncomfortably hominid Pokemon went out of fashion after Mr. Mime gave kids nightmares in Gen I. What he is
, is lame. Quite apart from being utterly useless in combat, this guy appears to be composed of several interlocking pieces, as opposed to, y'know, body parts. Apparently the wild Sawk has evolved complete with a bathrobe and poorly patched pajamas. And this is the least
ridiculous Pokemon here, apart from Pidove.
Whatever it is, it doesn't have any balls
Meet Timburr. As you may be able to tell from the facial expression, this Pokemon is like that one kid you knew in high school who thought he was hot shit, but really wasn't. I figure this is supposed to be a Poke-Beaver, which is amusing considering it loves hanging around with big pieces of wood. I'm not sure what the protrusion atop its head is supposed to be- maybe its hair, or maybe it uses it to ram other Pokemon to death. The truly baffling thing about Timburr is the pink... well, that's just it. Are they veins? Swimmies? Power armor? Mew only knows- I just hope that his tail is behind his head, because otherwise he's got a flipper or something growing out of his neck. Like Sawk, Timburr is a Fighting type Pokemon. This is probably to make the Normal Type Gym a little easier, but since I got the Normal/Flyer it's gonna suck to be me.
That face keeps me from sleeping at night
Which brings us to Tympole. Tympole continues the theme of remaking Pokemon from Generation I, but stupider. In this case, Tympole is like a Poliwag that has evolved one of those helmets special needs kids wear to prevent head trauma when they walk into walls, doubtlessly for similar reasons. You will notice Tympole has no arms or legs, or really any appendages other than its tail. Quite apart from making it difficult to move around, it also has the unfortunate effect of emphasizing Tympole's face. As you can see, Tympole's face was designed by Fisher Price, and seems wholly unrelated to the rest of the character design. Sawk might be uncomfortably humanoid, but Tympole looks like it crawled out of the Uncanny Valley after murdering a small child for their face.
It's a Tympole family reunion!
Perhaps worst of all, these things are EVERYWHERE. They seem to be the most common type of Pokemon around here, and unlike Sawk and Timburr I don't have type advantage. Worse, they all know Supersonic, a move that can make a Pokemon confused. For those not in the know, a confused Pokemon has a fair chance to punch itself in the face instead of doing what you want every round. But wait, it gets more annoying! Tympole also knows Bubblebeam
and a move called Round, both of which are fairly powerful this stage of the game. This means that every half dozen steps, a Tympole flops out of the bushes, confuses my Pokemon and then starts blasting away while my Pokemon does its damnedest to choke itself to death. Round is apparently a Normal type move, because Oshawott doesn't resist it- if he did, these fights would be less dangerous if not any faster. Tympole's not threatening enough to actually kill one of my Pokemon, but after an encounter or two I need to walk back to the nurse for healing, or waste a Super Potion. I HATE
Deep in the heart of Pinwheel Forest, people keep talking about Challenge Rock. This is apparently something I'm supposed to smash (with that helpful Rock Smash
TM I got on arrival) to get a prize of some sort, or maybe open up a new area or Pokemon or something. I don't know- Oshawott is the only one who can learn Rock Smash
, and I don't want to clutter up his moves list any further. What I DO know about Challenge Rock is that it is surrounded by NINJAS!
Let's do it, Timburr!
Timon, dispose of this spiky haired cretin! *Rock Throw* *Bite* *ROCK THROW*
...I can't believe it.
For those keeping score at home, the only two Pokemon I have left are Heinrich and Marvin- I'm currently maintaining that 66% mortality rate in the party, and I have no prospect of getting another Pokemon before taking on the Normal Type Gym. I don't have type advantage. The odds against my success are terrible. Cue
the Theme Music Power-Up
NEXT TIME: Nacrene City Gym
Comments, Criticism, Suggestions welcome as always
Nuvema Town- "Marvin", Oshawott
Route 1- XXX
Accumula Town- ??
Route 2- "Pompey", Lillipup 6-12
Striaton City- ??
Dreamyard- "Mojo Jojo", Pansear lvls 10-12
Route 3- Timon, Patrat 8-15
Wellspring Cave- Cletus, Woobat 11-14
Nacrene City- ??
Pinwheel Forest- Heinrich, Pidove