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Author Topic: My Novel- Icehaven  (Read 738 times)

Kestrel_6

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My Novel- Icehaven
« on: November 29, 2011, 08:29:31 pm »

Ever since about... March, I have been working on a Sci-Fi novel, Icehaven. Set in 2595.

Check out the Prologue.

Prologue

In the year 2031, four new technologies were discovered aboard an unknown starship that will shape the future of humanity and warfare. These four were portable laser weaponry, nano-bot construction, mass level cloning, and quantum teleporters. The first three technologies were quickly adopted by the major superpowers of Earth, and war after war after war was fought using new techniques of battle developed from the technologies. In the three dozen years of war, hundreds of billions of cloned soldiers and civilians died fighting over territories, water, hydrocarbon compounds, metals, any excuse was a good excuse for a war.

Into this time of carnage that it was then a man known today as Harold proposed peace, and within hours, soldiers threw down their weapons and refused to fight for a cause they didn’t believe in. It was then that the fourth technology was used.  Using the nano-bot Technology and a modified large robotic unit that was heavily armed known as a Bipedal Assault Unit, a large robotic unit that was heavily armed, had constructed a large, airtight colony on Mars. Within a few years, the new technology was expanded to travel light-years in seconds. Humanity could now be considered an interstellar Empire, and they were no longer just Terrans.   They were named from after the final letter in the ancient Greek Alphabet, symbolism as the last incarnation of humanity; they became Omega Terrans.

Technological advancement after advancement had been achieved, and the ever expanding Omega Terran Empire met two new races. The first was the tribal, cunning and barbaric Zubarans, humanoid amphibians who live in the swamps of their homeworld, the megalithic Zubara Prime. After several months, the Omega Terran Army withdrew from the planet due to overwhelming numbers and survivability in hostile conditions, and they accidentally left behind multiple Teleporters and units. The Zubarans scavenged the discarded technology and used it to spread throughout the Sector. The other species were a noble, wise and ancient race known as the Pycarans; they were the apparent creators of the Milky Way galaxy and all its races and worlds, whose homeworld has only been seen by a privileged few of any other race. Omega Terrans had achieved a time of great peace and prosperity.

Yet even in the Garden of Eden the snake worked in the shadows. A power-mongering few formed a group called the Alpha Terrans, worked in secret to overthrow Harold, whose brain resided in a cybernetic body; they hoped to take power for themselves. In 2286 the Alpha Terrans’ military coup d'état violently revealed itself, and within hours, they had fought their way to the palace of the benevolent Harold. Even the cyborg Omega Terran Legions and their Bipedal Armour Units and tanks couldn’t stop the aggressive masses of the Alpha Terran units and fanatical soldiers. With Harold captured alive and made to announce the new government, Once this was done they executed him, and also the only chance humanity had for continued peace. Small splinter groups of resistance formed within the Empire, but they are still yet to form fully…

For every new act that the Alpha Terran Empire enacted, the more followers the splinter groups gained. The final act of violence which consolidated these groups happened when a group calling themselves the Hand of Freedom rose up from hiding, and attempted to overthrow the Alpha Terrans in Starport City, the only city on Mars and the main starship factory of the Empire.  Within an hour, a Supernova Bomb was detonated on Mars that permanently vaporised the city-state and lit up the night sky on earth and blinded those on the Moon. Within the day, their power base destroyed, flotilla upon flotilla of ships left from any Alpha Terran planet, including Earth itself. To name all of them would be too large for the scope of this story. The three largest were the Nova Terrans, departing on an old Omega Terran Supercarrier, the Sigma Terrans, who had privately constructed their fleet, and the Theta Terrans, who departed on a flotilla of stealth ships from wars decades ago.

The Nova Terrans had secretly scouted out a system in the yet-unexplored Sanctuary Nebula. They named it Terra Nova, or New Earth. It had maroon seas, azure blue skies and green and blue fauna. They quickly made two large city-states: Prime and Secundus. The Sigma Terrans had made their homeworld the warm and lush Meditos. Its excellent climate was so close to Earth’s, few mutations occurred. The Theta Terrans took over the harsh and inhospitable Arctus, living under the surface, closer to the molten core, to escape the unrelenting cold.

Some mutations occurred between the different sides’ genetics. The Terra Nova star gave off little UV radiation, but other, more exotic radiations. This resulted in a larger variation in hair and eye colour and, average height was taller than the old earth average.   The Nova Terrans also had an almost permanent pale complexion. The Sigma Terrans had golden skin, and a generally stronger muscle and skeletal structure. The Theta Terrans had only one deviation; pale blue skin.

Yet, even then, they must still fight for survival, for the Alpha Terrans still possessed most of the sector’s Omega Terran Technology. A desperate assault on Earth by the other three clans of humanity to maintain their own survival led to a nuclear firestorm, the biggest in history ever before or after, leaving Earth scarred and irradiated. By now, only scattered remnants of Omega Terran Technology exist, and fully functioning pieces are hoarded jealously.

Even in this diverse future, humanity has had a phobia for others not belonging to their group or culture, and naturally, cultural war broke out between groups again and again over land, metallic substances, water or any one of many fuels…

For 298 years after this event, in the year 2598, humanity existed this way, until a great metal crisis had surfaced in the war machines of all four factions. Many times, entire battles would result with no winner, with no-one left alive to report victory or loss. Once plentiful metal reserves are now beginning to splutter and fail under the demands continued depletion for wartime production…


++ SUBSECTOR COMMANDER JACK CARTHOVIS’ OFFICE, SPACE STATION EMPYREAAN, IN ORBIT OF TERRA NOVA++

Sub-sector Commander Jack Carthovis’ personal terminal pinged. It was informing him that he’d received a message in quantum packets from another person with a Personal Computer, sent via data relays to a transceiver that went to the Empyreaan’s Transceiver.  His personal terminal, used a specialised crystal compound that transmitted the quantum data as light, through relays, data monitors, backup data-crystals, and finally to his computer. At the time, he was looking out his large, rectangular window when he received the message. It had a view of outer space and the cosmos beyond. The star, Attilus, had just broken the large, sphere that was what he was paying attention to.

It was Terra Nova itself.

He could see the two large cities, even from orbit. He could see the maroon seas, the blue-and-green plants, the Hyperion Line, the large mountain way that was the bridge between the two cities of Prime and Secundus. Secundus was still wreathed in darkness, the lights twinkling, which were to the west of Prime. He sighed and decided to turn around, to examine his message. His computer was of standard design, with the small box that was the internal components whirring into life, decoding the message. It was a large, angular U-shape with a glass screen reaching over the top of the lip of the metal. It had a laser projection keyboard and a black, partially shiny mouse; the screen switched itself on showing a light blue glow, with a large window dominating the screen saying proudly

YOU HAVE RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM: TRAINING COMMANDER ALLIESHA KAIN

He clicked on the ‘Open’ option. A small screen, which displayed an empty bar, quickly filling up, showing him how close it was to decoding the 8 million bit encryption. The bar filled, and showed a message which read

++FROM: TRAINING COMMANDER ALLIESHA KAIN++
++TO: SUBSECTOR COMMANDER JACK CARTHOVIS++
++SUBJECT: NEW COMMANDERS++

+++MESSAGE BEGIN+++

+Jack, first of all, congratulations on your victory on Aridis, which was one tough fight from what I heard, but I also heard of the “Great Metal Crisis” and the need for raw resources, so I have decided to help out. We got about 20 or so new Commanders, and I decided it would be a good idea to show you the cream of the crop. Also, how is the Subsector?+

+++MESSAGE END+++

Jack saw an enclosed file, which provided the personal details of all the best commanders. They were good, he didn’t doubt for a second, but with his assignment, he couldn’t use greenies straight from the Royal Academy for Commanders, located on Acados, a neutral planet. He had heard there were 10,000 applicants, and only 20 made the very strict cut. That was good and all, but he needed experienced, blooded troopers. He clicked on the ‘Reply’ button, and typed

+++MESSAGE BEGIN+++

+I saw the list, and I liked the results, you really got a good crop. However, for my classified assignment I can’t use plant-green graduates, I need experienced soldiers. Antarctus II is holding, Teradyne has been retaken, Citadel got hit badly, but they’re still standing, and no new news+

+++MESSAGE END+++

It lacked the brilliance of what he would normally write; because he had been surviving on tea and coffee for 73 straight hours now, because the worlds under his watch were a hot zone for continued war. He had to watch Antarctus I and II, Aridis, Space Platforms Citadel and Olympus, Tegadin Prime, Teradyne, and Kor Epsilon. Each world was meeting opposition from enemy regiments of BAU’s, wings of aircraft, fleets of starships and anything else they could throw at him. He had to remain available to hear developments and make decisions. At that moment Captain Anders walked in with more coffee. The captain was his assistant, and she was as tired as he was. She had just 3 years experience in the military, 1as his assistant, and two on the front. She wore the chest plate, shoulder guards and leggings of Tactical armour, usually used by planetary security and soldiers on Terran condition planets. Her eyes were steel grey, her hair light green, a pointed nose, and a heart shaped face finished her appearance.

“Here you go sir. Anything new?” she asked inquisitively. He replied wearily “nothing new yet Tanya. Alliesha Though sent me a message about the 20 or so new commanders getting promoted” Tanya put the plate down on his gray desk, and said, surprisingly flatly “looks like the Council is getting desperate. This Metal Crisis is hitting them hard. Did you hear about the new ceramic armour they’re putting out to alleviate demand?”  “Yes I did.” She then asked “anything else, Commander?” “That’ll be all” she saluted by bringing her right hand up to her left breastplate. She then about turned, and prepared to march off when Jack quickly interrupted her movement asking “wait. Where are Raptor and Osprey taskforces?” It took a second, but she remembered “Osprey is on Aridis, helping to rebuild infrastructure. Raptor is defending the command center on Antarctus II; the Theta Terrans are trying something big.” She walked out of the room, half asleep. Jack thought of the two perfect candidates to help out the council. The Osprey unit would be easy to get, but the Raptor that was a different story. He grabbed his headpiece, fitting it over his right ear, pulling the microphone to the corner of his mouth, and the glass screen at the end of a metal band over his right eye. He flipped the headpiece on, and transmitted to a frigate in the docks “Sky Searcher this is Carthovis, I need to ask a favour…”

An old frigate detached from the docks, and powered to a large tube, in red-and-black colours, as it began to power up. As the frigate entered, a pulse of light could be observed, and the frigate was gone. It was on a mission to retrieve someone. Thankfully, its mission wouldn’t be hindered.




Take TWO


ICEHAVEN- By Adam Cockram

Prologue

It was the year 2031 that the future of Humanity, technology, and warfare were changed forever. An unknown starship crashed into the surface of the Earth, in Germany. This ship unlocked the secrets of Portable laser weaponry, Rapid cloning, Teleportation, and Nanotechnology, mainly in the field of construction, as well as allowing Humanity to finish their Bipedal Assault Units. All were quickly adapted by the Superpowers of Earth, and new World Wars were fought using these new technologies. Billions of soldiers, and civilians, died in the bloody conflicts. For the world leaders, any excuse was a good enough excuse to consign more to death.


Into this time of carnage, death and war that it was then a man known today as Harold rose up  proposed peace, and within hours of the proposition, cloned soldiers threw down their weapons and refused to fight for a cause they didn’t believe in. It was then that the teleportation was used to its true extent.  Using the nano-bot Technology and a modified Bipedal Assault Unit, Humanity had constructed a large, airtight colony on Mars. Within a few years, the new technology was expanded to travel light-years in seconds. Humanity could now be considered an interstellar Empire, and they were no longer just Humans or Terrans.   They were named from after the final letter in the ancient Greek Alphabet, symbolism as the last incarnation of humanity; they became known as the Omega Terrans.

Technological advancement after advancement had been achieved, and the ever expanding Omega Terran Empire met two new races. The first was the tribal, cunning and barbaric Zubarans, humanoid amphibians who live in the swamps of their homeworld, the megalithic Zubara Prime. After a long war lasting several months, the Omega Terran Army withdrew from the planet due to overwhelming numbers and the enemies’ survivability in hostile conditions, and they left behind multiple Teleporters and units in their hasty retreat. The Zubarans scavenged the discarded technology and used it to spread throughout the Sector. The other species were a noble, wise and ancient race known as the Pycarans; they were the apparent creators of the Milky Way galaxy and all its races and worlds, whose homeworld has only been seen by a privileged few of any other race. Omega Terrans had achieved a time of great peace and prosperity amongst the stars.

Yet even in the Garden of Eden the snake worked its schemes in the shadows. A power-mongering few formed a group called the Alpha Terrans, worked in secret to overthrow Harold, whose brain resided in a cybernetic body; they hoped to take power for themselves. In 2286 the Alpha Terrans’ military coup d'état violently revealed itself, and within hours, they had fought their way to the palace of the benevolent Harold. Even the cyborg Omega Terran Legions and their Bipedal Armour Units and tanks couldn’t stop the aggressive masses of the Alpha Terran units and fanatical soldiers. With Harold captured alive and made to announce the new government, Once this was done they executed him, and also the only chance humanity had for continued peace. Small splinter groups of resistance formed within the Empire, but they are still yet to form fully…

For every new act that the Alpha Terran Empire enacted, the more followers the splinter groups gained. The final act of violence which consolidated these groups happened when a group calling themselves the Hand of Freedom rose up from hiding, and attempted to overthrow the Alpha Terrans in Starport City, the only city on Mars and the main starship factory of the Empire.  Within an hour, a Supernova Bomb was detonated on Mars that permanently vaporised the city-state and lit up the night sky on earth and blinded those on the Moon. Within the day, their power base destroyed, flotilla upon flotilla of ships left from any Alpha Terran planet, including Earth itself. To name all of them would be too large for the scope of this story. The three largest were the Nova Terrans, departing on an old Omega Terran Supercarrier, the Sigma Terrans, who had privately constructed their fleet, and the Theta Terrans, who departed on a flotilla of stealth ships from wars decades ago.

The Nova Terrans had secretly scouted out a system in the yet-unexplored Sanctuary Nebula. They named it Terra Nova, or New Earth. It had maroon seas, azure blue skies and green and blue fauna. They quickly made two large city-states: Prime and Secundus. The Sigma Terrans had made their homeworld the warm and lush Meditos. Its excellent climate was so close to Earth’s, few mutations occurred. The Theta Terrans took over the harsh and inhospitable Arctus, living under the surface, closer to the molten core, to escape the unrelenting cold.

Some mutations occurred between the different sides’ genetics. The Terra Nova star gave off little UV radiation, but other, more exotic radiations. This resulted in a larger variation in hair and eye colour and, average height was taller than the old earth average.   The Nova Terrans also had an almost permanent pale complexion. The Sigma Terrans had golden skin, and a generally stronger muscle and skeletal structure. The Theta Terrans had only one deviation; pale blue skin.

Yet, even then, they must still fight for survival, for the Alpha Terrans still possessed most of the sector’s Omega Terran Technology. A desperate assault on Earth by the other three clans of humanity to maintain their own survival led to a nuclear firestorm, the biggest in history ever before or after, leaving Earth scarred and irradiated. By now, only scattered remnants of Omega Terran Technology exist, and fully functioning pieces are hoarded jealously.

Even in this diverse future, humanity has had a phobia for others not belonging to their group or culture, and naturally, cultural war broke out between groups again and again over land, metallic substances, water or any one of many fuels…

For 298 years after this event, in the year 2598, humanity existed this way, until a great metal crisis had surfaced in the war machines of all four factions. Many times, entire battles would result with no winner, with no-one left alive to report victory or loss. Once plentiful metal reserves are now beginning to splutter and fail under the demands continued depletion for wartime production…



++ SUBSECTOR COMMANDER JACK CARTHOVIS’ OFFICE, SPACE STATION EMPYREAAN, IN ORBIT OF TERRA NOVA++

Sub-sector Commander Jack Carthovis’ personal terminal pinged. It was informing him that he’d received a message in quantum packets from another person with a Personal Computer, sent via data relays to a transceiver that went to the Empyreaan’s Transceiver.  His personal terminal, used a specialised crystal compound that transmitted the quantum data as light, through relays, data monitors, backup data-crystals, and finally to his computer. At the time, he was looking out his large, rectangular window when he received the message. It had a view of outer space and the cosmos beyond. The star, Attilus, had just broken the large, sphere that was what he was paying attention to.

It was Terra Nova itself.

He could see the two large cities, even from orbit. He could see the maroon seas, the blue-and-green plants, the Hyperion Line, the large mountain way that was the bridge between the two cities of Prime and Secundus. Secundus was still wreathed in darkness, the lights twinkling, which were to the west of Prime. He sighed and decided to turn around, to examine his message. His computer was of standard design, with the small box that was the internal components whirring into life, decoding the message. It was a large, angular U-shape with a glass screen reaching over the top of the lip of the metal. It had a laser projection keyboard and a black, partially shiny mouse; the screen switched itself on showing a light blue glow, with a large window dominating the screen saying proudly

YOU HAVE RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM: TRAINING COMMANDER ALLIESHA KAIN

He clicked on the ‘Open’ option. A small screen, which displayed an empty bar, quickly filling up, showing him how close it was to decoding the 8 million bit encryption. The bar filled, and showed a message which read

++FROM: TRAINING COMMANDER ALLIESHA KAIN++
++TO: SUBSECTOR COMMANDER JACK CARTHOVIS++
++SUBJECT: NEW COMMANDERS++

+++MESSAGE BEGIN+++

+Jack, first of all, congratulations on your victory on Aridis, which was one tough fight from what I heard, but I also heard of the “Great Metal Crisis” and the need for raw resources, so I have decided to help out. We got about 20 or so new Commanders, and I decided it would be a good idea to show you the cream of the crop. Also, how is the Subsector?+

+++MESSAGE END+++

Jack saw an enclosed file, which provided the personal details of all the best commanders. They were good, he didn’t doubt for a second, but with his assignment, he couldn’t use greenies straight from the Royal Academy for Commanders, located on Acados, a neutral planet. He had heard there were 10,000 applicants, and only 20 made the very strict cut. That was good and all, but he needed experienced, blooded troopers. He clicked on the ‘Reply’ button, and typed

+++MESSAGE BEGIN+++

+I saw the list, and I liked the results, you really got a good crop. However, for my classified assignment I can’t use plant-green graduates, I need experienced soldiers. Antarctus II is holding, Teradyne has been retaken, Citadel got hit badly, but they’re still standing, and no new news+

+++MESSAGE END+++

It lacked the brilliance of what he would normally write; because he had been surviving on tea and coffee for 73 straight hours now, because the worlds under his watch were a hot zone for continued war. He had to watch Antarctus I and II, Aridis, Space Platforms Citadel and Olympus, Tegadin Prime, Teradyne, and Kor Epsilon. Each world was meeting opposition from enemy regiments of BAU’s, wings of aircraft, fleets of starships and anything else they could throw at him. He had to remain available to hear developments and make decisions. At that moment Captain Anders walked in with more coffee. The captain was his assistant, and she was as tired as he was. She had just 3 years experience in the military, 1as his assistant, and two on the front. She wore the chest plate, shoulder guards and leggings of Tactical armour, usually used by planetary security and soldiers on Terran condition planets. Her eyes were steel grey, her hair light green, a pointed nose, and a heart shaped face finished her appearance.

“Here you go sir. Anything new?” she asked. He replied wearily “nothing new yet Tanya. Alliesha though sent me a message about the 20 or so new commanders getting promoted” Tanya put the plate down on his gray desk, and said, flatly “looks like the Council is getting desperate. This Metal Crisis is hitting them hard. Did you hear about the new ceramic armour they’re putting out to alleviate demand? It can’t possibly replace all the metal armor on tanks and BAUs.”  “Yes I did.” She then asked “anything else, Commander?” “That’ll be all” she saluted by bringing her right hand up to her left breastplate. She then about turned, and prepared to march off when Jack quickly interrupted her movement asking “wait. Where are Raptor and Osprey taskforces?” she remembered after a second of thought. “Osprey is on Aridis, helping to rebuild infrastructure. Raptor is defending the command center on Antarctus II; the Theta Terrans are trying something big.” She walked out of the room, half asleep as well. Jack thought of the two perfect candidates to help out the Council. The Osprey unit would be easy to get, but the Raptor that was a different story. He grabbed his headpiece, fitting it over his right ear, pulling the microphone to the corner of his mouth, and the glass screen at the end of a metal band over his right eye. He flipped the headpiece on, and transmitted to a frigate in the docks “Sky Searcher this is Carthovis, I need to ask a favour…”

An old frigate detached from the docks, and powered to a large tube, in red-and-black colours, as it began to power up. As the frigate entered, a pulse of light could be observed, and the frigate was gone. It was on a mission to retrieve someone. Thankfully, its mission wouldn’t be hindered.

Please Provide an opinion.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2011, 09:58:51 pm by Kestrel_6 »
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Caz

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Re: My Novel- Icehaven
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2011, 03:56:27 pm »

The prologue was a massive info-dump, and most of the first paragraphs failed to hold my attention, sorry. You'll do better if you explain things in the context of the story rather than giving everyone a textbook of information on your world before anything interesting happens.

The story had a few punctuation mistakes and could benefit from a proofread, mostly I noticed it was dialogue that hadn't been capitalised.

Quote
“Here you go sir. Anything new?” she asked inquisitively.

Don't do that. Adverbs are bad. Try to show, not tell. How they're talking can be explained in the words they use, and the actions they make.

Try to not change the POV mid-paragraph. I was confused to whether Tanya or Jack's thoughts were being followed in the last paragraphs, though re-reading it, "It took a second, but she remembered" was what threw me off. Maybe change that.

I dunno... it didn't grab me. The first pages of a book are your only chance to hook the reader and keep them interested. It doesn't matter how interesting the rest of the story is if the reader already put your book back on the shelf.

Hope this helps, I didn't mean to be harsh.
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huh?

Kestrel_6

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Re: My Novel- Icehaven
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2011, 09:57:15 pm »

Caz: I've changed the first two paragraphs, the first one was a bit too rigid, looking at it. When I want to do an intro, I Think 'How would a writer for EpicMovies INC or ExcellentGames handle it?'

I have had someone proofread a copy, taking the role of a Grammar-Soviet, but somehow, it dissapeared.

I Will put both of the Prologues up, for others to compare

--Stay Classy
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Kestrel, ITS A TRAP! It's luring you into false security! DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
Tomb of Horrors can pretty much be summarized by "ackbar.jpg"