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Author Topic: Dwarven... "Child Care"  (Read 147297 times)

Girlinhat

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Dwarven... "Child Care"
« on: August 13, 2011, 09:15:56 pm »

It's like regular childcare, except with more dogs, and less care.  The idea is simple, but will take some finesse to perform.
1) Construct a box.  It should be 3x3, leaving a 1 tile center free.  The walls should be wall grates and the corners should be actual wall.  Alternatively, perhaps ideally, the center tile could be a floor grate (not a hatch).  The roof should be either a floor grate or a hatch.
2) Place a child into the box.  Creative abuse of levers, wall deconstructions, and hatches can be used.
3) Place 12 years worth of ☼Dwarven Syrup Roast☼ and assorted booze into the box, by "dumping" it onto the roof and then opening the roof via lever, causing the items to fall down.  For this reason, the floor would need to be solid to accommodate a food stockpile.
4) Place a female dog in the box.
5) Wait 12 years to unleash disaster.

The premise is fairly simple.  Animals enclosed in a tight space will lash out randomly, often attacking a dwarf in the same tile.  This extends over time to create a biological danger room, where the dwarven children are subjected to 12 years of consistent dog biting, scratching, and watching the dogs kill each other, quickly leveling up the child to legendary dodger, perhaps wrestler/kicker/biter/etc if the dwarf manages to counterattack.  Not sure if a dwarf will counterattack an animal.  The child will eat the food from the floor that he's been staring at for the past 12 years, and will ideally be comforted by some lovely mist falling right beside him.  Once the years have passed, and the child grows into a scarred, hardened, tough-as-steel dwarf (don't forget agility, endurance, etc) who doesn't care about anything.  Or, keep the lid closed, and throw in a weapon and shield, and replace the dogs with goblins.

The only issue is trying to get the child to survive without going berzerk.  But then again, that might just turn into training for the other caged children, right?

Design ideas or implementation, anyone?

Berserkenstein

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2011, 09:33:16 pm »

"Mommy, I'm scared!"

"..."

"Mommy?"

"Mommy?!?!"

"*Woof, woof!*" translation: "I'm your mommy now!"
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mushroom_ff

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2011, 09:37:02 pm »

 :o
This is so wrong in so many ways.... and so Dwarfy.
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Sting_Auer

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2011, 09:41:21 pm »

*finishes reading*


*silence*


Oh **** yeah.


It's like a danger room for babies :D
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Thank you everyone for the help! I've since flooded the fortress I was working on and now have a new one going up.

ISGC

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2011, 09:42:18 pm »

1) kill parents
2) rename batman
3) if the child survives until maturity, make him a militia captain
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Urist Imiknorris

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2011, 09:43:11 pm »

Build the entry hatch like so:

+++++
+++++
++¢O+
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+++++

Occupy all adults and order the wall deconstructed (for bonus effectiveness, burrow the child of your choice in an area including the hatch and pillar). The child will naïvely stand on the hatch to remove the wall. Then pull the hatch lever and unburrow the child. The hatch can be left open and food dumped in, followed by the animal, or the animal can be restrained in the box before the child "drops by." You may wish to make the walls of the box fortifications and have a waterfall running down one side with the mist blowing into the room. Good meals will make happy thoughts. Using smaller animals instead of dogs will lessen the lethality of such a device - a hen and a nest box would work well. The child can drink water for all I care, so long as they don't drown - putting a flooded channel in one corner will probably accomplish this.

Also, this is a horrible inhumane idea and why didn't I think of it.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2011, 09:45:48 pm by Urist Imiknorris »
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Excedion

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2011, 09:45:24 pm »

Wait, wont the dogs kill the children? Also quick question, does it work with babies and wont they die from infection?
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Urist Imiknorris

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2011, 09:46:14 pm »

Babies would starve to death because no mother to leech nutrients off of.

EDIT: I would recommend a 5x5 area, with 3x3 interior, allowing for a food stockpile, nest box, restraint, and water channel.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2011, 09:48:21 pm by Urist Imiknorris »
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Girlinhat

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2011, 09:53:19 pm »

The biggest issue seems to be size.  A 1x1 room would allow for maximum child desecration (waiting on someone to sig that) but a larger room allows for more utilities, like a well or a next box.  Some chickens would allow for light damage and maximum dodge, but a good dog would allow for maximum damage and heavy scarring, so whichever works.  The animal of choice will need some fine-tuning.

Dwarves cannot stand on a well, right?  If no, then one wall of the cage can be replaced by a well, dangling the entire cage over a water pit (not a wimpy cistern, this is a PIT!), with water flowing over the top of the cage to cascade around it in glorious mist.  Access out of the box could be performed by a pair of bridges on one side that would diver water and allow a walking path.  Using this, a 1x1 box is possible.  If you wanted to get fancier, you could do something like a 2x2 to include a nest box, well, quantum food stockpile, and bed/chair (for mood).

Also, a certain amount of damage to the child is not only expected, but encouraged.  If the child survives the dog bites, it will be very quick to heal and super-dwarvenly tough.  If it's getting bat by chicken feathers, then it will just develop a deep-seated comfort.  Screw that.  Release the dogs!  Breed some cheetah!  Ferry in the carp!  Mod the carp to be flying magma-carp that spit out badgers!

Oh, and children don't respect burrows.  They only pay attention to a military all-dwarf alert, not individual burrows.

EDIT: A water channel is VERY bad.  Dodge related drowning would hurt training time.  Hence the well, or booze.

Excedion

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2011, 09:56:09 pm »

Definitely going to try this out on one of the kids with no family.

I was thinking a raccoon or a cat would do the job perfectly. Or even a lion cub. Perhaps if you put both the cub and the child in there they will fight to the death and the strongest with emerge.
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If adamantine is perfectly rigid, as shown by having 0 strain at fracture in the raw files, then the speed of sound in the metal approaches the speed of light. Adamantine musical instruments would produce ultrasonic vibrations, and cut off the fingers of the musician.

Urist Imiknorris

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2011, 10:15:24 pm »

Also, a certain amount of damage to the child is not only expected, but encouraged.  If the child survives the dog bites, it will be very quick to heal and super-dwarvenly tough.

...


EDIT: A water channel is VERY bad.  Dodge related drowning would hurt training time.  Hence the well, or booze.

a) Healing speed is not affected by anything IIRC. What you've got is what you get.

b) Not if there's a ramp, and it has the bonus of training swimming.
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DoctorMonch

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2011, 10:20:48 pm »

Dwarf Fortress.
The only game where throwing babies into a pit with crazed dogs will be considered a beneficial concept.


...

Seriously, though. This is an awesome idea.
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Silly Theory

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2011, 10:37:48 pm »

Dude, you are one evil Dorflord.

...

...

Has anyone gotten around to do this successfully? I wonder if I did this en mass and then made my military out of the little buggers.

"The Mogli Guard", maybe?
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Excedion

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2011, 10:41:54 pm »

"The Mogli Guard", maybe?

Nah, Roughnecks, Rico's Roughnecks.


I just hope one of these kids doesnt pull a full metal jacket. Perhaps a mist generator is exactly whats needed to stop em going insane.
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If adamantine is perfectly rigid, as shown by having 0 strain at fracture in the raw files, then the speed of sound in the metal approaches the speed of light. Adamantine musical instruments would produce ultrasonic vibrations, and cut off the fingers of the musician.

malimbar04

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Re: Dwarven... "Child Care"
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2011, 10:54:06 pm »

Everyone so far has said this is evil. Personally, I think it is very good for the child. Not only do they get exercise and a huge supply of legendary meals, but they actually get safety, which is far more than they get up top. Half of my children have been killed or kidnapped. They also get the added benefit of not caring about anyone that dies - this is potentially fortress saving.

Dogs will definitely be able to kill the child though. Does the same concept work with... say... tame vermin? a few dozen tame rats and toads might be a lot more fun.
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No! No! I will not massacre my children. Instead, I'll make them corpulent on crappy mass-produced quarry bush biscuits and questionably grown mushroom alcohol, and then send them into the military when they turn 12...
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