Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

Author Topic: A story for you to tear apart.  (Read 1148 times)

Spaghetti7

  • Bay Watcher
  • Steam ID: wavy shapes dude
    • View Profile
A story for you to tear apart.
« on: November 27, 2011, 12:30:29 pm »

Alrighty, I got bored and decided to write a story. This made me feel better about doing nothing else with my life.
HOWEVER, is it good? Because good is all that matters. So, read the introduction, and feel free to be as honest as is neccessary.


"Long live the king! Long live the king!"
The shouts ring out, echo in the vaulted hall and layer over and over to create a collage of noise. The sound rolls over the crowds gathered at the tables, doubling their cheers and overlapping them into a glorious harmony, and the man finally smiles for the first time that evening. With a wave of his hand, the hall immediately falls silent and all focus turns to him with an audible rustle of clothing.
A man just past his prime, King Shi'Kor is beginning to show grey hairs amongst his mop of blonde hair, above a handsome face that has become an idol to many in the land.
He stands, scarlet robe trailing behind him as he takes to a podium, and began to speak.
"People of Meicia, hear me now..."
With everyone captivated by the speech, nobody sees a small door open behind the pacing monarch. A shape appears, standing in the shadows and fumbling with something on its shoulder and in a bag. Finally assembling something, the figure draws a string then seems to hesitate for a moment.
In front of this unnoticed spectacle, the king has stopped walking and is fixing his audience with an intense gaze. So much depended on this end of the speech; the peace of the known world rested on this man's shoulders. The world could take so many different paths in this moment, and the decision was made by a soft twang from the shadows.
The king stopped mid-sentence, a puzzled expression on his face. Then, with a grunt, he slowly falls forwards on to the stone floor with a crack, revealing the thin, black arrow in his back.
And so, with cries of horror and disgust, running feet and a door quietly closing, a new age begins.

- In my opinion the below is far worse than the above. What do you think? -

There is a moment of shocked silence before anybody moves. Then, people stampede out of the hall, leaving no thought to anything but saving themselves. Guards spring out from the shadows, surround the king and muscle his daughter out of the room and to safety.
To me, it is obvious as I run towards the fallen monarch; he is dead. As soon as he is taken away we scour the shadows for the assassin.
Looking in the darkness behind the kings platform, I spot something glinting in my candlelight. Picking it up, I go to examine it into the light.
The object appears to be a fraction of a wax seal, less than half of the original. The symbol, however, is very clear.
A five-pointed star.

I run down corridors, slide round corners and knock people down in my haste to get to the royal chambers. The seal firmly in my grip, I finally arrive at the huge wooden doors. Barred, bolted and crossed with metal bars on every available inch of wood, the designer must have been big on intimidation. Ignoring the guards on the door, I barge in to the main chamber to look for the queen.
This news can't wait.
I find the queen sitting on her father's bed, puffy eyes and red faced, tears drying on her cheeks. When she sees me, her expression changes to anger.
"You had better have a very good reason for disturbing me now." She rises off the bed and comes right up to me, and whispers in my ear.
"I'm really in the mood for an execution. Someone will pay for my father's death, regardless of their innocence."
I struggle to find words.
"Well?!"
"Err. Well ma'am, I found this on the floor in the hall, and believe it may be connected to the assassin. If you will, ma'am, I believe this symbol is the five-pointed star..."
Five minutes later I am packing.

The small island continent of Meicia is on the verge of civil war. Before the incident, the mountainous, snowy north was at peace with the tropical south, and trade was prosperous. Unknown to the rest of the world, and oblivious to everything, Meicia was an untroubled land. However, a few months before the current events, things started to go wrong. The Northern lord Tukil was assassinated, and the south was blamed. Words were exchanged, councils met to discuss, but nothing was decided. Both sides began to frantically arm their men in anticipation of war, and it seemed inevitable the land would fall. Then the king, Shi'Kor, called a council on the eve of war, hoping to settle matters between the two provinces with an appeasement plan.
However, with the kings murder by a mysterious assassin before the crucial moment in his speech, the land is once again plunged again into uncertainty. Amongst this, I must help bring order and find this killer.
"I" am Steem, a recruit in the city guard, and the newly assigned Sheriff of the Imperial City.
I will bring the killer to justice.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2011, 11:40:30 am by Spaghetti7 »
Logged
That's nothing. I had something mate with a pile of dead meat.

Heron TSG

  • Bay Watcher
  • The Seal Goddess
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2011, 12:51:52 pm »

Quote from: Spaghetti7
"Long live the king! Long live the king!"
The shouts ring out, echo in the vaulted hall and layer over and over to create a collage of noise. The sound rolls over the crowds gathered at the tables, doubling their cheers and overlapping them into a glorious harmony, and the man finally smiles for the first time that evening. With a wave of his hand, the hall immediately falls silent and all focus turns to him with an audible rustle of clothing.
A man just past his prime, King Shi'Kor is beginning to show grey hairs amongst his mop of blonde hair, above a handsome face that has become an idol to many in the land.
He stands, scarlet robe trailing behind him as he takes to a podium, and began to speak.
"People of Meicia, hear me now..."
With everyone captivated by the speech, nobody sees a small door open behind the pacing monarch. A shape appears, standing in the shadows and fumbling with something on its shoulder and in a bag. Finally assembling something, the figure draws a string then seems to hesitate for a moment.
In front of this unnoticed spectacle, the king has stopped walking and is fixing his audience with an intense gaze. So much depended on this end of the speech; the peace of the known world rested on this man's shoulders. The world could take so many different paths in this moment, and the decision was made by a soft twang from the shadows.
The king stopped mid-sentence, a puzzled expression on his face. Then, with a grunt, he slowly falls forwards on to the stone floor with a crack, revealing the thin, black arrow in his back.
And so, with cries of horror and disgust, running feet and a door quietly closing, a new age begins.
Zo, in zis dream of yours, zis kink ruled your chosen people, yes? And thees people, zey were on the brink of war? Yet zomeone in ze dark shot zis kink before he could make a choice, no? Ze shadows represent fear of the unknown, which ze mother naturally protects from. Your dream muzt be about how your muzzer protects you, vezzer you vant her to or not. It iz clear to me zat you wish to possess your muzzer.
Logged

Est Sularus Oth Mithas
The Artist Formerly Known as Barbarossa TSG

Kestrel_6

  • Bay Watcher
  • The goddamn Moderator
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2011, 08:44:26 pm »

Rather Good.

Is it a fantasy style story?
Logged
Kestrel, ITS A TRAP! It's luring you into false security! DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
Tomb of Horrors can pretty much be summarized by "ackbar.jpg"

Spaghetti7

  • Bay Watcher
  • Steam ID: wavy shapes dude
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2011, 11:11:57 am »

Rather Good.

Is it a fantasy style story?
Yeah, it's going to be a sort of medival-style fantasy world. Maybe with
monsters. Skyrim world, sorta thing.
Logged
That's nothing. I had something mate with a pile of dead meat.

Digital Hellhound

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2011, 11:23:09 am »

You slip between present and past tense in the beginning and the end. Otherwise, seems alright, but it's hard to say with such a short text.
Logged
Russia is simply taking an anti-Fascist stance against European Nazi products, they should be applauded. ¡No parmesan!

G-Flex

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2011, 11:28:20 am »

It's kind of impossible to judge something that clearly only functions as a part of something larger. Where do you intend to go with this?
Logged
There are 2 types of people in the world: Those who understand hexadecimal, and those who don't.
Visit the #Bay12Games IRC channel on NewNet
== Human Renovation: My Deus Ex mod/fan patch (v1.30, updated 5/31/2012) ==

Spaghetti7

  • Bay Watcher
  • Steam ID: wavy shapes dude
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2011, 11:37:55 am »

About the tenses; I am terrible with them. You'll just have to put up with it, sorry.

As for the length, I can add in some more I have written, but I think the standard decreases a lot. See the original post to judge for yourselves.
Logged
That's nothing. I had something mate with a pile of dead meat.

G-Flex

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2011, 11:45:26 am »

About the tenses; I am terrible with them. You'll just have to put up with it, sorry.

Er... you could just proofread your story, you know. "Put up with it" isn't a very good response to people pointing out a very fundamental problem in your writing.

Quote
As for the length, I can add in some more I have written, but I think the standard decreases a lot. See the original post to judge for yourselves.

It's less about length and more about things seeming to end at fairly arbitrary points in what seems like a larger story.


Also, the second part you posted makes a shift from a third-person omniscient perspective to first-person basically out of nowhere. This is confusing and doesn't really make any sense.
Logged
There are 2 types of people in the world: Those who understand hexadecimal, and those who don't.
Visit the #Bay12Games IRC channel on NewNet
== Human Renovation: My Deus Ex mod/fan patch (v1.30, updated 5/31/2012) ==

Digital Hellhound

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2011, 12:00:09 pm »

Yeah, that isn't a very good response, I'm afraid. Mistakes like that just make your story look bad and amateurish. The POV-change, while okay, is a bit abrupt, and you move way too fast after it. In my opinion, if you want it to be a short prologue/starting bit before the real story, drop the running-down-corridors-talk-with-queen part, it doesn't really fit there.

EDIT: Also dear god, they need to get better security in that place. If the narrator had been another assassin, they'd have both the king and his daughter dead in a single day.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2011, 12:04:00 pm by Digital Hellhound »
Logged
Russia is simply taking an anti-Fascist stance against European Nazi products, they should be applauded. ¡No parmesan!

Spaghetti7

  • Bay Watcher
  • Steam ID: wavy shapes dude
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2011, 12:48:23 pm »

Okay, sorry about all this.
I guess I should've read it over a few times, and gotten rid of the bits I didnt like rather than leaving em. 
Thanks for all the responses and help, and I guess I'll go edit this.
Thanks again!
Logged
That's nothing. I had something mate with a pile of dead meat.

Digital Hellhound

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: A story for you to tear apart.
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2011, 01:07:18 pm »

It's a good start, just with some 'technical' problems. Keep working on it and you'll do fine.
Logged
Russia is simply taking an anti-Fascist stance against European Nazi products, they should be applauded. ¡No parmesan!