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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 295308 times)

bahihs

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1365 on: April 19, 2015, 12:45:32 am »

Spoiler: The Card Players (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 09:57:45 pm by bahihs »
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bahihs

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1366 on: April 19, 2015, 12:52:23 pm »

Cast doubts away and find the certainty
That hides within each mind,
You know just what I mean, life is a tapestry
That can reveal or blind.

Two things I found today, one sad the other glad
And I will truss them up in threads of gold
And keep them there, the good and bad,
Until I'm stooped and old.

Death came on wings of black and stole away
A piece of me, but gave me back
A piece of day.
But why?

I've tried to cast my doubts away, but hear the wings
The thud, thud thud of doom
Inside my head it is, it rings
And fills the darkened room.

I've tried to find my certainty within the tapestry,
But ropes of colour hold me there
And blind me to the good, show me the misery;
The evil that has robbed me of the fair.

Darkness creeps upon the stair
And whiteness creeps within my hair,
But is it youth or age or care
And should I be happy, or beware?

God damn Th4DwArfY1, this is great! I'd personally remove some words:

Cast doubts away and find the certainty
That hides within each mind,
You know just what I mean, life is a tapestry
That can reveal or blind.

Two things I found today, one sad the other glad
And I will truss them up in threads of gold
And keep them there, the good and bad,
Until I'm stooped and old.

Death came on wings of black and stole away
A piece of me, but gave me back
A piece of day.
But why?

I've tried to cast my doubts away, but hear the wings
The thud, thud thud of doom
Inside my head it is, it rings
And fills the darkened room.

I've tried to find my certainty within the tapestry,
But ropes of colour hold me there
And blind me to the good, show me the misery;
The evil that has robbed robs me of the fair.

Darkness creeps upon the stair
And whiteness creeps within my hair,
But is it youth or age or care
And should I be happy, or beware?

But these are just personal preference, pay them no heed. This poem is fantastic though, the rhyme and meter and especially the last stanza. Simply sublime. Keep it up!
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1367 on: April 19, 2015, 03:33:22 pm »

Thanks. I was trying to keep my mind off something when I wrote it in the reply section, so yea, I can understand why it would need some changes. I'll keep the changes to the second last stanza, but I personally like the "it is." All a matter of taste!
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adwarf

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1368 on: April 23, 2015, 12:53:17 am »

Spoiler: Dream of an End (click to show/hide)
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ggamer

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1369 on: May 04, 2015, 12:42:34 am »

wrote this on a whim, it's unfinished.

It's a Steven Universe vignette, I guess.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Fniff

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1370 on: May 07, 2015, 04:39:34 pm »

This just happened to me in a game. If you can guess which one it is, you win a cookie.

TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1371 on: May 12, 2015, 02:30:02 pm »

I hold within my hand a small thing made small
By love and magic and purpose.
Of love and hope and candid dreams-
It held a treasured surplus.

For ay, a small thing brought it forth
And it was small as tears,
But ah, the power wrought to make it so,
The glowing hopes, the battled fears!

A simple mind wrought it, small hands made it,
Big heart conceived and big love made
The furnace fires of passion brought it here
And in its form the best of Dark and Light were wed.

Why should the small not make a small thing great,
When larger men bring great works low?
A smaller hope may yet make greater things
Than fruitful dreams that wise men know.

A sliver of the self went into this thing's craft,
The world saw, bent its head, and wept-
For in it the poor and small had made a raft,
While those who moved the world all slept.

Edit: Eh, wrote another cause why not.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: May 21, 2015, 01:57:25 pm by Th4DwArfY1 »
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FallacyofUrist

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1372 on: May 16, 2015, 08:38:05 am »

Though I tend to focus on the forum games here, I'm also something of a writer, and some criticism would be nice for the short story I'm working on. Although I worry that I'm going to exceed the character limit, so I'll stick to the last page for now. (I wrote the last page as a stand-alone, now I'm building up to it with more sections.)

Spoiler: Nemeses (click to show/hide)
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1373 on: May 21, 2015, 02:26:28 am »

Warhammer 40k fanfic about the Administratum, written by a retired expedition captain.

Spoiler: Paperwork (click to show/hide)

Comments and critique are welcome! Mostly just wanted to get this down from mind to canvas.
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Sebastian2203

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1374 on: May 22, 2015, 02:55:01 pm »

This is my first entry to this kind of thread.

So I hope I wont screw up anything.
I wrote a 3K word story, it is unfinished, and I would like to get some honest criticism.

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3252777/1/Erebia-not-responding
Click NEXT for next chapter.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1375 on: May 22, 2015, 03:12:48 pm »

Warhammer 40k fanfic about the Administratum, written by a retired expedition captain.

Spoiler: Paperwork (click to show/hide)

Comments and critique are welcome! Mostly just wanted to get this down from mind to canvas.

Heh. I liked the end.
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Servant Corps

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1376 on: May 23, 2015, 06:13:46 pm »

I liked the end of "Paperwork" too, but I do think it dwelled too much on the military strategy of the platoon and too little about the absurdity of sending military troops down to retrieve paperwork. I also think there needs to be a better reason for why the mutants are down there too. That ruined the immersion for me.
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Urist McScoopbeard

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1377 on: May 23, 2015, 09:04:36 pm »

I liked the end of "Paperwork" too, but I do think it dwelled too much on the military strategy of the platoon and too little about the absurdity of sending military troops down to retrieve paperwork. I also think there needs to be a better reason for why the mutants are down there too. That ruined the immersion for me.

In the grim darkness of the far future their is only mutants and paperwork.

... and occasionally war.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1378 on: May 24, 2015, 05:42:29 am »

This just happened to me in a game. If you can guess which one it is, you win a cookie.
...I did not come here looking for agar fanfic. However, you have made me pleased that this is a thing.

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But there's laughter and oh there is love, just past the edge of our fears.
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1379 on: May 24, 2015, 05:45:38 am »

Dumping babies into the datacrypts was mentioned in one line, but yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, glad you guys liked it :)
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Dying of pure unbridled hatred, actually.
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