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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 296522 times)

Generally me

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1470 on: September 01, 2015, 10:31:12 am »

Was playing mount and blade napoleonic war and felt inspired to write something. It did not turn out as i intended but oh well.

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« Last Edit: September 01, 2015, 10:33:26 am by Generally me »
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1471 on: September 01, 2015, 03:45:06 pm »

Why wait til then? You have pen and paper, right? :P
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1472 on: September 02, 2015, 06:04:18 am »

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Miscellaneous thoughts: a regiment is a lot of men. If they're responding to a raid a infantry regiment probably isn't quick enough to respond quickly.

You could probably do with describing things more, as it isn't an action scene. What do people look like, their little mannerisms?

I forgot to do it yesterday so this on my phone.
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1473 on: September 02, 2015, 06:23:47 am »

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Yeah, I'd say spin it out. The only thing I'd add that hasn't been mentioned (I think. The thread's been busy) is that your flow could be a little better. As you write, read it aloud in your head (preferably in the accent of the character). If it feels rushed, work out how to slow it down - add commas or other punctuation. If it feels stilted, see where you can excise unnecessary pauses - usually commas. In this case, a lot of the dialog felt kind of rushed to me.

Consider a secondary title to Raid-Leader? Alternation between 'Raid-Leader' and 'Captain' or something would shake it up nicely. Just make it consistent - maybe the Raid-Leader is normally a captain*, and people slip back into that mode of address occasionally?

*Captain is just an example. Pick something that fits, or don't pick anything and find a different way to do it!



Dwarfy, I promise I'll get there. Probably this evening. Hopefully.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1474 on: September 02, 2015, 08:00:44 am »

Hmm. A minor thing is that Raid-Leader is a very unregimented term compared to something like Captain or Major, etc. So perhaps the group of men should have a less formal name than regiment? Warband, perhaps?

A minor thing, but it occurred to me.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1475 on: September 02, 2015, 11:59:50 am »

You could maybe call the Raid Leader "Capt'in," if you were looking for an alternate, informal mode of address.
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1476 on: September 02, 2015, 12:18:50 pm »

Thanks for the feedback! Is this any better?
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I've picked out a couple of things. That first sentence a) runs on a lot and b) gets a bit confused toward the end. I think it's technically correct grammar, but it doesn't appear so at first glance.

The second thing is also correct, and I can see what you're going for, but it doesn't quite seem to fit. The third is more that the tense isn't entirely obvious; maybe change 'in' to 'into' or a clarification of a different tense?

The third is just that I think that should be 'that', not 'who', but eh.



Sorry that these are all just nitpicky things. I'm way too busy and stressed to do a better kind, and any feedback is better than no feedback, right? :/
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1477 on: September 03, 2015, 01:21:04 pm »

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« Last Edit: September 03, 2015, 05:01:31 pm by Generally me »
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1478 on: September 03, 2015, 03:17:04 pm »

I don't really like the start at the moment. I also know i have made crap tonnes of mistakes, that i missed going over it. So i would appreciate suggestions on how to improve it. Also how to make things seem more human and less unnatural. Also also suggestions on how to make you feel more of a connection to Joseph.

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Then go over it again and fix the mistakes you find, then post it again.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1479 on: September 03, 2015, 03:27:39 pm »

I meant it at as these are the kind of mistakes that you really need an outside eye to spot. I'm not using you as a spell checker and I would rather have suggestions about how to improve it.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1480 on: September 03, 2015, 03:36:33 pm »

Quite frankly, basic mistakes like those are some of the most important. If something is riddled with typos and poor grammar it's unpleasant to read; the actual plot becomes secondary.

But of things:
You don't actually mention how old any of the children are.
How does someone's hair give them a friendly look?

Fix your punctuation. It's in odd places - the sentences don't feel natural.

Not much happens, really, so I can't comment much on the plot.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1481 on: September 03, 2015, 03:42:47 pm »

1. Why would I need to place an age on them?
2. I'll probably change that
3. I will look at that
4. ...if you don't want to suggest anything or be helpful, then don't post.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1482 on: September 03, 2015, 04:41:36 pm »

:I

Why do you think you might want to describe your characters rather than leaving everything completely vague? Age is pretty important when it comes to children. A five-year-old acts very differently to a ten-year-old. What you have is a bunch of mostly featureless people drive to a house and remember buying sweets. I'm not going to tell you what plot you should write.

For something focusing on characters it's pretty bland and content free.

But yeah, I won't bother to suggest stuff to you in future, if you're just going to tell me "don't post". Guess what? The basics are the basics because they're bloody important. Doesn't matter if a spellchecker might catch it if you don't use a spellchecker. You could write War and Peace, but if it was riddled with grammar errors on every line chances are it wouldn't be a bestseller.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1483 on: September 03, 2015, 04:46:47 pm »

You didn't suggest stuff. That is why I said what I did. All you did was say that I had made some punctuation mistakes and that it had no plot. You could have suggested something for each problem, but you didn't. And I'm fine with that. Just don't say I did something wrong without giving advice on how to fix it or at least an example of what kind of punctuation mistakes I did wrong so I can fix it myself.

Also I need to keep the whole thing below 1500 words. Which is why i don't go into detail of basically anything.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1484 on: September 03, 2015, 04:53:12 pm »

Quote
You could have suggested something for each problem, but you didn't.

He didn't have to post anything. What he posted was constructive. If you had grammar problems, fix them before asking someone to read through for bigger errors. Don't expect someone to read through something if it's not properly polished, and you know it.

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