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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 223216 times)

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1845 on: June 30, 2018, 02:49:33 am »

A review with emphasis on the plot would be welcome, but focusing on any aspect of the text would be greatly appreciated.

Spoiler: Review (click to show/hide)


I'll try and write a bit next week without inspiration, post it up here and see how much the quality drops.

I am curious to see what it will be.
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Dark One

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1846 on: June 30, 2018, 03:32:15 am »

The text was pretty rough and rushed even for a concept outline. It's always good to get a review of the first, rough and ready version.

My writing is still full of those quirks that come from writing simple concepts. I'll have to work it out.

Rowanas

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1847 on: July 22, 2018, 05:29:06 am »

So, I was going to write without inspiration but I ended up having a dream.  To my credit, the dream wasn't very long and so most of what follows is proper writing, rather than inspiration-led.

I didn't have a name for the character, but after a few thoughts, I settled on Ide (pronounced EED), which happens to be the name of a little village nearby. I liked it, so I used it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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I agree with Urist. Steampunk is like Darth Vader winning Holland's Next Top Model. It would be awesome but not something I'd like in this game.
Unfortunately dying involves the amputation of the entire body from the dwarf.

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1848 on: July 25, 2018, 03:27:11 am »

So, I was going to write without inspiration but I ended up having a dream.  To my credit, the dream wasn't very long and so most of what follows is proper writing, rather than inspiration-led.

The paragraphs being next to each other makes it difficult to differentiate them, and there are some minor grammatical errors (like one “i’m” not being capitalized) but they are not consistently made—did you proofread or edit this?

The only major problem is that it is too condensed. Things being detailed as they are referred to, such as the bandanna and helmet, make reading awkward and distract from both the action and the object. The progressive tense is constantly used to stack several actions and events onto a sentence which muddles the purpose and erodes any sense of time.

It makes little sense for Ide to recount the history of vehicles to herself. Those parts work better as objective narration (the conversational interjections make it less believable) and as their own paragraphs. The same goes for any other world-building. The ideas are interesting and would be done justice by detailing them separately.
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Rowanas

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1849 on: July 25, 2018, 04:54:06 am »

I rarely go back through what I write because I catch most spelling and grammatical errors while writing, though reading back through it now I can already spot some clumsy sentences and small errors.

I don't have an issue with dense text, so I think I have a tendency to ignore paragraph spacing, which I know you complained about with the previous posts as well.  Density in general seems to be an issue, both in format and in description - I know I overuse the progressive, though I don't know how to fix that.  Separate descriptive paragraphs bother me, which is why I try to weave descriptions into the fabric of another active sentence, though I acknowledge that that might be detracting from the action.

It's interesting that you consider Ide's musings unbelievable, because they're taken from the manner in which I detail things in my head.  I will consider your feedback for another draft.

Cheers.

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I agree with Urist. Steampunk is like Darth Vader winning Holland's Next Top Model. It would be awesome but not something I'd like in this game.
Unfortunately dying involves the amputation of the entire body from the dwarf.

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1850 on: July 25, 2018, 09:45:34 am »

I rarely go back through what I write

Writing as all art is made great by refining and polishing. Quite a few interesting findings lie that way, in my experience. I recommend it.

Quote
I know I overuse the progressive, though I don't know how to fix that.

It sounds like the problem is too much information and not enough sentences to spread it over. I will state the obvious and say that more sentences to attach the descriptions to is a solution.

Quote
It's interesting that you consider Ide's musings unbelievable

The conspicuous notes that what Ide is thinking might not be true is what makes the information unbelievable. If all but a few parts of the narration are in absolutes of truth, then logically those parts must be false to a degree.

But yes, it is odd that Ide is distracted from the pirates chasing her by a review of engineering. And is that not also a separate paragraph of description?
Say, if Ide had an opportunity to use a Burner Bike then her thinking about its construction and its dangers would be pertinent. You would at least have a direction to go if you were to go forward conceiving situations to incorporate things like that.


By the way, the quality did not drop. I think it is safe to say that you do fine without much inspiration from a dream.
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Rowanas

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1851 on: July 25, 2018, 01:42:05 pm »

I read things through over the course of months, like when I came to post up my previous works, I reread them.  I just don't reread them immediately.

Hah, yes, the solution to overcrowding -is- more sentences. Prepare for my next piece to be a little bloated, as I overstep :D

You make a good point there.  Ide's probably not as given to floating off mid-thought, and yes, as I intend to show if I write up some more, a great deal of what she "knows" is incorrect.  It should also be a separate paragraph.
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I agree with Urist. Steampunk is like Darth Vader winning Holland's Next Top Model. It would be awesome but not something I'd like in this game.
Unfortunately dying involves the amputation of the entire body from the dwarf.

Rowanas

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1852 on: July 30, 2018, 07:50:55 am »

Damnit, footnotes from word don't carry over to forum posts, so the bit explaining about generator fans and the sad tales of rail-guards, of burner bikes and icestriders are all missing.  i'll come when i've got more time and put them back in. Here's another version, although formatting was also lost and I'm short on time (lunchbreak is over) so I put in paragraph breaks where I saw them - sorry if I missed one.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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I agree with Urist. Steampunk is like Darth Vader winning Holland's Next Top Model. It would be awesome but not something I'd like in this game.
Unfortunately dying involves the amputation of the entire body from the dwarf.

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1853 on: August 03, 2018, 06:30:11 am »

Spoiler: Rowanas (click to show/hide)
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roseheart

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1854 on: April 20, 2019, 03:26:53 pm »

There are lots of numbers, the greatest one is 6.
A Short Story

How many stars are in the sky, Grandpa? 6. Really? There must be more. Count them yourself! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ... there, another star! No, you counted that one already. There--- 6, just like I said, don't frown at me child. The truth is often simple.

But Grandpa! Yes child? I have more than 6 fingers! Show me. See! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and on this hand ... Ah, ah ah. That's a different hand. But. You have 5 here. And 5 here. And 2 hands. But, if I count them together. You can't! Left fingers are different than right fingers, that would make no sense! Now Grandpa is tired.

But Grandpa! I have more than 6 hairs! Really? Count them. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ... and another! No, you already counted it. Child I grow weary of your nonsense. But Grandpa! What? Nothing.

I have all these hairs. And there are more on my head. Those are pulled hairs, and those are hairs on my head.
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1855 on: April 20, 2019, 04:26:53 pm »

Nice to see this thread used again!
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1856 on: May 09, 2019, 09:26:04 am »

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 05:25:49 pm by Th4DwArfY1 »
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itisnotlogical

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1857 on: May 18, 2019, 02:54:10 am »

I wrote some. Trying to combine ideas that have been rattling around in my head for many, many years in the hopes that they add up to a complete, interesting story.

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Levity

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1858 on: May 22, 2019, 08:53:35 am »

That's really cool logical! I love the mixed-media/prose posing as internet at the beginning. Never seen that before, it's an awesome idea!

I would say there's a lot going on in the next section though! It's actually all really solid, but just overwhelming. The idea of news being so impersonal in reality is super interesting and could probably warrant an entire book on it's own! I would suggest practicing slowing down your writing and focusing on one thing at a time, because you clearly have some great ideas.

Here's a chapter from something I'm working on. I know it needs a bit of extending because there's some pacing problems:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I posted a little bit on here as SirFinbar in the past.
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itisnotlogical

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1859 on: May 26, 2019, 02:30:28 am »

I'm not sure who Hylen is in the context of the story, but he seems to speak in a pretty flowery manner for a former slave. It seems like he's speaking with the same voice as the narrator.

That's really cool logical! I love the mixed-media/prose posing as internet at the beginning. Never seen that before, it's an awesome idea!

I would say there's a lot going on in the next section though! It's actually all really solid, but just overwhelming. The idea of news being so impersonal in reality is super interesting and could probably warrant an entire book on it's own! I would suggest practicing slowing down your writing and focusing on one thing at a time, because you clearly have some great ideas.

I tend to write what the characters are thinking about and forget to have them actually do anything. :-X I guess that's what second and third passes are for though. I just feel like I'm boring the reader when I start on descriptions and exposition.
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