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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 144901 times)

SaintofWar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1875 on: May 31, 2018, 03:59:07 am »

Once more, this is gonna be a first-try, no proof-reading, no clue as to how the story goes attempt. Hopefully, this will point out whether or not I've learned anything over the past two attempts. I know kicking habits is not that easy, but I am hoping I made some improvement at least. Mostly, I think this will be, in part, an attempt to also change my style, which is the main culprit behind the previous mistakes.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I gotta admit I am slowly becoming invested in this setting and story. It was a throwaway, but I feel like it could have some interesting potential. I am also slightly proud of this approach to 'lore dumps'. I think it's more natural this way, although I still dislike the idea. I think things like these should be taken slowly, especially because there is so much 'content'. However, maybe this is bias, I kind of like the way it was done there, though I don't think I could replicate it again. It was truly spur of the moment.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2018, 04:10:51 am by SaintofWar »
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Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1876 on: May 31, 2018, 09:55:02 am »

It occurred to me that what I said about considering what individual pieces of writing mean was vague. I meant that you should ask yourself the question What does this show? and make sure that the writing reveals something about the world, the characters, the plot—fundamental things in that vein. A description of a building only seen once that does not even set the tone would be one of the things you might remove or alter.




Quote
I think things like these should be taken slowly, especially because there is so much 'content'.

I agree, but was the point not to deliver relatively great amounts of information on the world in a short story? That was a success, and the advances here will translate to longer stories.

Quote
I kind of like the way it was done there

I am not sure where exactly you mean by “there.” Could you explain, please?
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SaintofWar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1877 on: May 31, 2018, 11:49:07 am »

I did want to go back and edit out most of the mistakes that you pointed out, before your reply, but I decided against. Especially that 'whether' that has no business being there. I have a terrible habit with hyphens and too many commas, I knew this already, but it's a difficult habit to kick. I think that if I really tried writing something with a plan I could avoid most of those mistakes. It is how you said, I am trying to improve my raw writing ability. I want my natural style to be closer to proper writing.

The gaseous flame was my attempt at describing it as plasma. I had the intention of mentioning this somewhere in the text but apparently I forgot.

I think one of my major issues is misjudging exactly where I use the passive voice. I think that is something that would eventually sneak in no matter how careful I was at avoiding it. It feels 'right' to me, although I understand your criticism on it.

I was also referring to the dialogue, and the way the lore is presented to another character, instead of the reader. It never occurred to me before but this way almost feels like both the reader and the protagonist 'know things'. That's what I meant by 'I like the way it was done there'.

Maybe I'll try a part 3 at some point to see if any improvements had been made but I doubt I'll be able to make major improvements other than hopefully getting the dialog tags right.
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Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1878 on: June 01, 2018, 02:26:21 am »

You have the right idea, SaintofWar, advances on this subject will be slower so it is a good idea to move on to areas where major improvements could be made. There is a high chance that a breakthrough on a different front will do more for a particular skill than continuing on said skill for diminishing minor gains.

In my experience, editing is a crucial element in refining your writing ability by examining your own writing and considering how else you might have done it, say, by turning the sentences around in your head to see a new angle as you would when visualizing a physical object. But unless there is an idea you want to explore in a specific narrative framework, it would be wise to move on or write anew after a few passes to avoid exhausting yourself by endlessly making tiny changes.

I advise occasionally revisiting a work a few months after it was made and rewriting it in order to measure progress. Progress often is greater than what is immediately apparent, by way of small details or stylistic shifts, and you might find that difficult parts are no longer so.
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Hanslanda

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1879 on: June 08, 2018, 04:49:37 pm »

Well, I'd like some critiquing. Tell me what I do wrong.

Spoiler: A Dark Night (click to show/hide)


That's the end for now.
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Well, we could put two and two together and write a book: "The Shit that Hans and Max Did: You Won't Believe This Shit."
He's fucking with us.

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1880 on: June 09, 2018, 08:41:59 am »

Well, I'd like some critiquing. Tell me what I do wrong.

Here is some critique:
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Hanslanda

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1881 on: June 09, 2018, 09:35:11 am »

No, I understand quite clearly. It was written in some haste but I see some basic mistakes I've been making explained. I could feel some things weren't quite right but I couldn't pin them down. I'll edit it later and maybe make some progress on relearning grammar and sentence structure. Thank you for the input.
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Well, we could put two and two together and write a book: "The Shit that Hans and Max Did: You Won't Believe This Shit."
He's fucking with us.

FallacyofUrist

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1882 on: June 13, 2018, 05:59:47 pm »

Spoiler: The Farmers' Revolt (click to show/hide)
Over one thousand five hundred words of fantastic peasant revolt.
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I'm giving out free hypnosis sessions on Discord. DM for details! I'm always looking for talented and/or bizarre subjects! You'll never know how talented you are until you try!

On another note, Standoff is a game I'm running. Ever want to kill someone with your very own Stand? You've come to the right place.

Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1883 on: June 15, 2018, 08:42:40 am »

An estimated (haphazardly) five hundred words of critique and over a thousand words of peasant revolt–related remarks:



If I made a mistake I welcome any corrections, and if you want me to clarify or elaborate a point I would be glad to.
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Rowanas

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1884 on: June 22, 2018, 01:56:59 pm »

I'm finally going to post however many hundreds of words this is, but sadly I can't write without inspiration whether it's a nightmare or a daydream or whatever, so none of these are full stories - just whatever I can scrape together.  Once upon a time I got bursaries to nice schools for my writing, but I haven't received any feedback in a decade, so I'm not hoping for much (though 500  words of critique would be appreciated, Aylokat :P)

Each different topic is spoilered to prevent it from taking up all the space, and to make working out what goes where a bit easier. P.S. As they are based on whatever inspiration happened to strike, the tone and nature of these vary wildly. Don't read Jakob's Interview if you're in a good mood. Hell, definitely don't read it if you're in a bad mood.



Spoiler: A Quest Denied (click to show/hide)



Spoiler: Pascal defends himself (click to show/hide)



Spoiler: Jakob's Interview (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: June 25, 2018, 08:37:53 am by Rowanas »
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I agree with Urist. Steampunk is like Darth Vader winning Holland's Next Top Model. It would be awesome but not something I'd like in this game.
Unfortunately dying involves the amputation of the entire body from the dwarf.

Dark One

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1885 on: June 24, 2018, 02:14:16 pm »

The first story from a series that I'm writing right now. I'm planning to write several short stories that share one main character. This one has approximately over one thousand and two hundred words. It's a story that introduces the main character of Tales of a crow knight. Written over the course of two evenings, it's bound to have something that should be fixed or completely changed.

Spoiler: The silver crow (click to show/hide)

GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1886 on: June 24, 2018, 04:41:11 pm »

Speech is not done like - this -.

It uses, well, speech marks like "this" or sometimes people use 'this'.

There's a lot of grammatical errors, in addition, but I don't have time to go through all of them now.
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You fool. Don't you understand?
No one wishes to go on...

Dark One

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1887 on: June 25, 2018, 02:29:41 am »

The fun thing is that I'm never making any mistakes like these when writing my assignments. I'm studying english philology at a university and all of them have to be written in english. During this examination session I had a writing exam that checked vocabulary, grammar and ability to write coherent texts. I passed this one with flying colours, getting a 100% score. But when it comes to writing something in my leisure time, I'm making lots of mistakes. I guess that I don't really care that much when the work is not graded. There's also the thing that my writing quality drops considerably when I don't write for a long time in my native language.

Using - for dialogs is my bad habit, I write them like that in concept versions of my texts and replace them when editing later on.

This text wasn't checked for any mistakes at all. I just slapped a concept here and called it a day. I'm more concerned with the story and if it's a good introduction to the character (giving the most basic information as the rest is going to be revealed in next stories) as I was going to rewrite it in my native language from the beginning.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2018, 02:40:20 am by Dark One »
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Aylokat

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1888 on: June 25, 2018, 09:39:58 am »

I'm finally going to post however many hundreds of words this is

And here is the critique of at least a thousand words. This critique was a lot more effort than I had first imagined, and it was a lot harder to read through the works as well. On account of the difficulty I did not read through it all again, but I reckon that the fragmentary nature limits the negatives of potentially missing a line.

Spoiler: Rowanas, various (click to show/hide)


This text wasn't checked for any mistakes at all. I just slapped a concept here and called it a day. I'm more concerned with the story and if it's a good introduction to the character (giving the most basic information as the rest is going to be revealed in next stories)

It would be helpful for anyone giving critique on your story if it was prefaced with the request to only look at the story, that way it would focus the efforts of the one giving critique on what you want and make the task easier. You could also fix the mistakes and make it easier still. That would be quite welcome.
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Dark One

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1889 on: June 25, 2018, 09:52:35 am »

I'm sorry, didn't wanted to sound like a d****. I'm going to rewrite it and post an updated version once I'll have enough time.
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